Sunday, April 27, 2008
*Texas bought abrand new convertible Porsche. *
*He took off down the road and pushed it up to 160 MPH and was enjoying thewind blowing through his (thinning) hair."This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. Butwhen he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Ford CrownVictoria Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 mph to escape being stopped.
Then he thought, what the hell am I doing? "I'm too old for this kind ofthing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver'sside.
"Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Wednesday 22 November a daybefore Thanksgiving "If you can give me a good reason that I've never heardbefore as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go.
"The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife, who isfrom Kerala ran off with an American Policeman and I thought you werebringing her back.
"The Policeman said, "Have a nice day, sir"*
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want aspectacular job -- a job that no man has eversucceeded at or has ever even dared try."
"Poof!" said the genie.
"You're a housewife."
"Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, butnot necessary that you show it........"
"Why complain ?" said the counselor, "You re still getting the same service!"
Friday, April 25, 2008
*James quickly replied, "My wife loves this beard, Jocelyn. I couldn'tpossibly do it. She would kill me!"*
*"Oh, please?" Jocelyn asked again, in a sexy little voice.
**"Oh really, I can't," he replied. "She loves it … I just can't!"*
*But Jocelyn was seductively persistent, and he sighed and finally gave in.*
*That night, a worried James crawled into bed with his wife while she wassleeping. The wife woke up and sleepily felt his face.*
*Suddenly she was wide awake and sitting bolt upright in the bed. She saidtersely, "Jesus Christ, Michael! What the hell are you doing here? Myhusband will be home any minute!" *
"What are you here for?"
Banta says, "I am here for blood test and these idiotsare going to puncture my finger.
"Santa started crying, "Oh my God, I am here for urine test and I am too youngyet, what will happened to me?"
Rocket to Moon
On the first night of honeymoon the wife crazyhusband says, "My sweet darling, I am going to take youto moon tonight."
The impatient wife says, "Sure, but first at least let's seethe rocket to get there."
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.
He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for awhile in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her toget dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don'thave any milk. "
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
Thursday, April 24, 2008
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than gettingangry, you should imagine this:
somewhere, there is a funeral taking placetoday, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your newlocation!'"
"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid myfare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." Hecarried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating. theshrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.
The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he wastrying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After awhile, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can'tyou see I'm trying to sleep?"
"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fareand I'll do what I want on this train."
At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window.The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burstout laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined £200 for that!"
To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the policesmell your fingers."
The groom says "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind thedrapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally, he says,"AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He getshis Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them andthe disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds"How was your room? How was the service? How was your stayat the Watergate Hotel?"
The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager says, "Well, the room under yours complained of thechandelier falling on them."
One morning I noticed Manish, the husband, with a look of frustration,holding the cell phone to the dog's ear.
Suddenly the large husky dog leaped into the vehicle.
He wouldn't move, explained Manish to me, So I phoned my wife to give him the same command. Damn Son of a bitch always obeys her. I don't know what's sexy about her!
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong withyou? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to showyou what it feels like when I'm driving".
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.
So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.
Next he moves intothe dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what'sfor dinner?" Again he gets no response so he walks up to the kitchen door,
about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" * * *
"James, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN!" Moral of the story:
The problem may not be with the other one as we always think, could be very muchwithin us..!
MOM: "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
SON: "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
MOM: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
SON: "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."
MOM: "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."
SON: "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"
MOM: "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It'sonly £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year isback on the market. They're asking £450,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £400,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really apretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him inastonishment, mouths agape.....
Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know's who this phone belongs to?"
ten black men and one white man.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all,
so they decided that one had to leave,
because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They were not able to name that person,
until the white man gave a very touching speech.
He said that he would voluntarily let go of the rope,
because, as a white man,
the white men had enslaved the blacks, persecuted the blacks,
discriminated against the blacks,
and held the black men back.
As soon as he finished his speech,
all the black men started clapping their hands....... ..
"You know what you did?" she screams.
"You gave me a man's ears."
"Well," says the surgeon, "an ear is an ear.
What's wrong? Can't you hear?"
"I hear everything," she says.
"The problem is I don't understandanything I'm told."
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns andchildren. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this!It is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABCinterview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove, who was aboutto sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boyswhen they visit your base?
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teachingchildren?
GENERAL COSGROVE:I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline beforethey even touch a firearm.
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, areyou?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
Later they heard a knock on the door...."Who is it???",
The man who knocked replied, "I'm the blind man".
So, the nuns decided to let him in since he would not be able to seethem.The man then looked around the room, then looked at them and said,
"Nicebodies sisters, where do you want the blinds to be put??"
You dialed God's number."Hi! Thank you for calling God. Please select one of the following:
If you are Christian, dial 1
All Hindus, dial 2
All Muslims, dial 3
All others, dial 0.
"So, lets say you are a Hindu and you dialed 2. Here is what you hear:
Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thank you messages for God
Press 3 for Complaints about unfulfilled promises
Press 4 for All other inquiries.
If your prayers are still not answered, dial '0' and ask for Naradmuni."Or, if all Gods were busy, you might hear this:
"We are sorry, all Gods are busy helping other Bhaktas and Sinners. However, your prayer is important to us and your prayer will be answered in the order it was received. Please stay on line. One of the Gods will be with you soon." Or, it could even go this way when you start praying: "If you know your God's extension, dial it now...." Or, you might hear this:
"If you would like to speak to Ganeshji,
Press 1. For Lord Hanuman,
Press 2.For Lord Krishna,
Press 3. To confess your sins,
press 4.To ask for favors, Press
5." Or, you might even hear this: "You have reached Lord Krishna's extension.. I am going to be away to conduct a special yuddha to save the humanity and will be away until the year 2012. If this is something urgent and cannot wait until then, call Shankara at GB +44 779000020000 Call. If you want to speak to someone else, for other gods' directory,
Press 6 now." Or you might even hear something like this if you call toward the end of your life cycle:
"If you think you have reservations at our Heavenly Resort, please provide your name, social security number and be ready to provide the proof of your eligibility. If you do not have the proof of eligibility, please dial 420-HELL and ask for General Manager Ravana, who will be happy to help you." Or, depending on the purpose of your call, you might hear this:
"If you are calling to find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven,
Press 5, enter his or her 'mantra' number, then press the 0 key. If you get a negative response, try area code 420-HELL." For all you know in this day and age of quotas and all, you might even get a response like this: "Our computer records show that you have already prayed once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow..." Or you might even here this if you call on the wrong day: "This Main Office of Heaven is closed for DIWALI holidays.
If this is an emergency, you may try our Himalayan Retreat in the mean time by dialing 6000-31,000. " So, let us hope and pray that God never learns about computers And IVR systems - because if he does, we are in BIG trouble!
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Wednesday, April 23, 2008
"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks.
"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day," he answers back.
"That's not so much," says the doctor. "Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day Ihave sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.
"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, but that's notall. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man.
"Well, that's definitely too much," says the doctor. "You've got to learn totake yourself in hand." "I do," says the man. "Twice a day!"
It is also warned to keep my patient away from any kind of shocking news such as " Come over weekend..", " Let's work on holiday..", " Leave cannot be granted. ." etc. which can directly lead to heart strokes.
In view of the above, it is strongly recommended to adjust your deadlines in accordance with the convenience of my patient.
By this time both get excited.When she asks him to speed further on he bluntly asks her to hold on to hisorgan which she promptly does.
By now the bike is so fast that it goes out of control and crashes into abullock cart carrying hay stack.the bike goes flying the girl goes flying too but sardaar manages to fall onthe pile of the hay stack.He miraculously escapes.
The bullock cart owner says " Sardaarji aap to baal baal bachh gaye.
"Sardaar goes wild and says " Maatherch*d baal hi baal bache hain Lou*A touske haath me reh gaya. "
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.
When She Noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on Account ofher condition.
She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing...................She had him arrested.
Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.
His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant..She sat under an advertisement,
which read: 'Coming Soon: The GoldDust Twins'. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement,
which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement,
which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.
'The case was dismissed.........!!!!!!!!
--I luv u!...........wrong!
--That was great!..........wrong again!
--I luv it!........wrong again!
--the answer is :" mera kacha kithe?"
Bhagwaan (god) sabse zyada kab khush hote hain?...When a girl is getting raped &
she screams."MUJHE BHAGWAANKE LIYE CHODE DO PLEASE!!!!
Woh raat Diwali wali thi,
woh piya se chudne wali thi,
Koi aur hi aake chod gaya
,Lund ko lehnge se ponch gaya,
Uski Maa ne kiya VIRODH,
Tune choda bina NIRODH.
A man used to have sex with his wife using milk as lubricant.
Later she was rushed to hospital, when the Doctar came Out of O.T. said,
no baby or baba, just 1kg MAWA.
A man to his wife: How u pregnant without me?
Wife: I am praying ur ID photo daily.
Man: Chutiya banati hai, photo to passport size hai,samaan kaha hai?
Laakh rupye ki baatein:
Gadi aur Biwi dusro ko do to thok ke hi wapas Aati hai.
Garib aur Boobs hamesha hi dabte rehate hai,
Musibat aur land kabhi bhi khade ho jate hai
kismat aur bra kisi bhi waqt khul sakti hai.
Land aur pani Apna rasta Swayam hi dhund lete hai.
Dudh aur Gand jab fat ti hi To Aawaz nahi hoti.
Bhajan Bhojan auur Chodan hamesha Ekaant me hi Karna chahiye.
Chut aur RangRup Ko Jitna Bhi ragdo uutni chamak aayegi.
Saap Aur Chut Jhabhi mile maar Do.
Mamme Aur jajbat Jitna dabao uutne hi Uubharte hai.
Zaante Aur Koyla hamesh Sulagte hai.
Zindagi Aur Zaate uulze huwe hai, Ienhe sulzaaneki Koshish mat karna.
Chut Aaur roti Jaise bhi mile Iestemaal kar leni chahiye.
Maango Uusi se jo de khushi se aur kahe na Kisi se.
Uparokt upadeshon ka koie kaat nahi hai, kaat karne wale ko
Mume maanga ienam diya jaayega..
They asked him whether there are any sharks in the lake.
He said No.
They jumped in the lake but after few minutes they got supicious.
They came back and asked the boy "Are you sure thereare no sharks ?"
He replied "Believe me, Sharks don't come where thereare Crocodiles".
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.When we die, our widows get the life insurance.What do women want to be liberated from?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------------------ --------- --------Thought 2
The average man's life consists of :Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;and at the end, the mourners wondering too.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------------------ --------- --------Thought 3
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "Ifyou take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man wasastonished.He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once againthe voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car willrun over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just asa car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.The man asked. "Who are you?""I am your guardian angel," the voice answered."Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I gotmarried?"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------------------ ----
This is the best!!!*
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as herfather escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed herfather and placed some thing in his hand.Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by thebride.The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of mylife." Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him andcontinued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."The whole audience including priest started laughing.... ...... but not ***the poor groom!*
2) I had enjoyed my life enough.
3) I couldn't live without tension.
4) I wanted to pay for my sins.
5) I believed in the Bhagwad Geeta principle : karm karo , phal ki ichha na karo.
6) Everything in life has a reason; i wanted to prove it wrong.
7) I wanted to take revenge on myself.
He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.
At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"
She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. "Where the hell have you been?" "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!"
Moral of the story : Always tell your wife the truth. She won't believe you anyway.
2)Subah-2 jab khirki kholay, fruitwala zore se bole: 8 rupay ke 12kelay, kum paray to mera lelay.
3)Sex life of a couple according to ages:--
58+ JAJBAAT AUR GAL BAAT.
4)Iss jahan main aae ho to ,kuch aaisa kar jaao kadardaan,Jiss gali se guzro, aawaaz aae --"ABBAJAAN - ABBAJAAN"
5)Rail ki patri par mat hagaa karo,train aayegi gaand kat jaayegi.abhi haath se gaand dhotay ho,baad mein gaand se haath dhobaithogay!!!!!!!!!!
6)A woman gave birth to six babies & on seeing this,she goes outoff her hospital bed &slapped her husband & shouted, " I told you not to go doggy style ".
7)A 25 year boy married a 65 year woman.after two days boy died,because he drank expired milk.
8)Ek Sardar car ke piche pesab kar raha tha. A Foreigner said to him "AAPKE YAHAN POLICE NAHIN PAKADHTI ?"He replied,"NAHIN HAMAARE YAHAN KHUD PAKADHNA PADHTA HAI !"
9)A girl selling SANDWICH on the beach in goa, asked asardar:"sardar ji ,sandwich loge? "sardar ji replied,"o,kamliye sand wich kyon?, room wich kyonnahi?
10)A good friend is like a good bra. hard to find, very comfortable,supportive, holds u up when r down & always close to the heart.good day, dear bra..
At her LIPS is Love
NECK is Lust
BUT KISSING HER IN FRONT OF HER HUSBAND IS BRAVERY.
Woman: If you were my husband I'd poison your coffee.
Man: And if you were my wife, I'd drink it.
A sardar learning English introduces his family in the party:
Hi! I am sardar,
This is my sardarni,
He is my kid,&
she is my kidney.
English Teacher: Make a sentence using "Neither-Nor"
Naughty boy Student: When girls wear tight fitting dresses,"NEiTHER" are they comfortable, "NOR" are we!
Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market. One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table and fell in the river. Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his childhood.
( the woodcutter and the axe )
He started praying to the River Goddess. The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers. The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river.
As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a match box and asked, "
Is this your computer ?
" Disappointed by the Goddess' lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, " No."
She next showed him a pocket-sized calculator and asked if that was his. Annoyed, the engineer said " No, not at all !!" Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his.The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said "Yes."
The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was about to give him all three items, but before she could make the offer, the engineer asked her, "Don't you know that you're supposed to show me some better computers before bringing up my own ?"
The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, "I know that, you stupid donkey! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the Billennium, the latest computers from IBM !". So saying, she disappeared with the Pentium!! ********
Moral: If you're not up-to-date with technology trends, it's better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you're a genius than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
The Indian man said to the American," You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homelygirl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arrangedmarriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them thatopenly and now I have a hell lot of family problems."
The American said, "Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story.
I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years."After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.
The American continued,My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred whenI had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situationsturned worse when my father had a son.
Now my father's son i.e. my brother is mygrandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my owngrandson.
And you say you have family problems.... Give me a break!!"
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example First, "My dad is a farmerand we have chickens. One Day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basketOn the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump In the road; the basketfell off the seat and all the Eggs broke.
"The moral of the story is not to put all Your eggs in one basket.."Very good," said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty Eggs waiting to hatch, butwhen they did we only got Ten chicks."
"The moral of this story is not to count Your chickens before they're hatched.."
"Very good ," said the teacher again, very pleased with The response so far.
Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad Told me this story about myAunt Karen…. Aunt Karen Was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got Hit.She had to bail out over enemy territory and all She had was a bottle ofwhiskey, a machine gun and a Machete."
"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.
"Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to Prepare herself; then shelanded right in the middle Of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy ofThem with the machine gun until she ran out of Bullets. Then she killed twentymore with the machete Till the blade broke. And then she killed the last tenWith her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did Your father say was themoral of that frightening Story?"
The child said "Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been Drinking..."
"Good morning," a young man said sheepishly."This is your wake up call."Annoyed, I let the hotel worker have it.
"You were supposed to call me at 6:00 AM!" I complained."What if I had a million dollar deal to close this morningand your oversight made me miss out on it?"
"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied,"If you had a million dollar deal to close, you probably wouldn't bestaying in this motel!"
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six monthsor so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on hisdoor. He opens it and there is a huge, bearded man tanding there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road...Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00..."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready tomeet some local folks. Thank you."As Lars is leaving, he stops.
"Gotta warn you... There'sgonna be some drinkin'.
"Not a problem," says Sam. "After 25 years in business,I can drink with the best of em."Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops.
"More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.
"Sam says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright.I'll be there. Thanks again."Once again Lars turns from the door.
"More'n likely besome wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam, warming tothe idea."I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.By the way, what should I wear?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want.Just gonna be the two of us."
" How areyou grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?""Just couldn't be better. The young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all -- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clockthey bring me a cup of hot chocolate & a Viagra tablet .. and that'sit. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a littlealarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
"What are you people doing?" he says, "I am told you are giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replied the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give hima cup of hot chocolate & a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well.The chocolate makes him sleep...and the Viagra stops him from rollingout of bed."
Now tell me what is the similarity between a Bank and a Bra?
Student: Well, the more in it, better the interest you get.
A Hole in the Body
A lalu was teaching his wife the swimming in a swimming pool.After couple hours of painful floating on back, face up lessons the wife finally ventured, and asked,Dear, If you take your finger out, will I really leak water inside me and drown?
Medicine take with
A lady requested the doctor, I really do not want children for a while to enjoy the life. What should I do? Doctor said, Well then take this condom.?"Lady asked again, Should I take this with milk or water? Doctor said, No, take it with Banana!
Santu was curious, he asked his friend Bantu: "Was your wife a virgin when you married her?Puzzled
Bantu replied, "I really don't know. Some say yes. Some say no."
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sexbefore, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to getsome condoms. He tells the pharmacist it 's his first time andthe pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms andsex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how manycondoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or familypack. The boy insists on the family pack because hethinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parentshouse and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'mso excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner tablewhere the girl's parents are seated. The boy quicklyoffers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, thegirlfriend leans over and whispers to theboyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
*The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea yourfather was a pharmacist."
Dhoni "Thanks Ravi, the match was pretty close encounter between two great teams and our guys held the nerve to win the game and cup."
Shastri, "Who was the main reason for this thrilling victory?"
Dhoni, "All of us played well but I would say the main reason and man behindthis great victory is Ajit Agarkar"Shocked
Shastri..., "Agarkar ? ? .. how come Agarkar... he didn't play inthe final"..
Dhoni, "Yeaph.. that's the reason we won this low scoring match.. if hecould have bowled in final, Pakistan would have scored the winning runsfrom his 4 overs...."
Shastri, "ok.. fine, To whom you want to thank for winning this final..."
Dhoni, "The team doctor deserves the credit... he really helped us toprepare for the final..."
Shastri, "Is it? ?.... how the doctor helped to prepare for the final...he is not the coach or physical trainer...Dhoni.. I am getting confused!"
Dhoni, "Ravi... nothing to get confused... he has failed Sehwag in thefitnesstest and so we managed to pick a good playing team..thus we weigh the doctor's contribution as very high... infact itsbetter than our team effort in the field.. our game tactic worked well"
Shastri, "To whom you want to dedicate this World Cup?"
Dhoni, "The entire team including myself wants to dedicate this cup toSachin, Dravid and Ganguly..."
Shastri, "I really really appreciate you... its good that you have so much respect for the seniors....and you ...."
Dhoni interrupts.... "Ravi.. let me complete... India would have exited inthe Group matches ifthey decided to play in the series... thank god they opted out and wemanaged to play cricket and won the cup.."
Shastri, "The match was thrilling encounter and was concluded by a singlemistake of Misbah.. Isn't it? "
Dhoni, "Yes you are right, after lofting the ball Misbah told me that he has send the ball to where there was no one....but he didn't know thatthere is a malayali in every corner of the world.... This single mistakehas costed the game and won the cup..."
Shastri faints and Dhoni receives the CUP and that's the end of the greatTwenty-20 world cup...
a woman and she loves you...Love a woman and she fu*ks you..!! :-)
2) Banta: I'm organising group sex @ my home. Will u join?
Santa: Yes, yes! How many people r there?
Banta: Just 3 -Me, U & Ur Wife!
3) Santa was pissing wen a gal saw his huge penis & said naughtily:
Wow I wud luv 2 hav dat.
Santa: Go & get a cup, I'm about 2 finish!
4) Next 20-20 KA CAPTAIN kaun?
GUJ : PATHAN
Sardar -SANIYA MIRZA.
SRDR : Jeet k baad DHONI KI TARAH T-SHIRT NIKALEGI TO BALLE BALLE!!!
5) Newtons 3 sexlaws
1-A hole always attracts a pole
2-Length of pole is equal 2 depth of hole
3-Up&down motion,releases a lotion,which increases population.
For pre-wedding settlement on finances, cost contribution, memories ofprior spouses etc. they went to candle light dinner in a fine restaurant.
Topic now was on their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' old dirty man had to ask.
'Well,' she said, responding thoughtfully not to turn away the opportunity,'I'd have to say - I would like it infrequently.
'The puzzled old man looked her in the eye and asked"I'd have to ask - Is that 'in-frequently' one word or two?'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed andrather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hearme over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your Trazy-poo,so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princessand I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrankyou. *Tray-up,Bitch*."
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ARSED ANSWER 5*
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'
SMART ARSED ANSWER 4*
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a supermarket but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
SMART ARSED ANSWER 3*
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket*.
SMART ARSED ANSWER 2 *
A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'
The truck driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!'
SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR*
A teacher at a TAFE college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-arse at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving License The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too, didn't he?....
Don't Mess With Old Ladies
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I havethis huge house all to myself, but I'm recentlywidowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighborswill talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleepin the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll begone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way tothe barn and settled in for the night. Come morning,the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpectedletter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes tofigure it out, but he finally determined that it wasfrom the attorney of that attractive widow he had meton the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, doyou remember that good-looking widow from the farm westayed at on our ski holiday up north ab out 9 monthsago ?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of thenight, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed aboutbeing found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead oftelling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look,I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
In a party a lady wanted to go to the toilet badly. So she approached thehost Santa and asked, Where is your SUSU place, Please show me.
Santa winked at the lady and said. Yea, naughty girl, First you show meyour SUSU place and then I will show you mine.
Child Like Mom
Bantu: Did you have a chance to sleep with my wife.?
Santu: Watch it man. What are you saying? I would never even think about such a thing.?
Bantu: Well you should. She is much better than yours.
A gossiping girl student asked another about the hot story, Do you know whyt he Lady English Teacher slapped Santa left and right today?
The other replied, Ya, Lady English Teacher insisted that students should ask question no matter how dumb it is.
She continued, So Santa stood up, pointed his two fingers at the teacherand asked Why Bras is singular when it holds two in it and then pointingone finger at the teacher he asked again And Panties is plural when it holdsonly one.
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies: "Margie referred me to a hypnotist He told me tostand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not havea headache, I do not have a headache."I do not have a headache.' Itworked! The headaches are all gone.
"The husband replies: "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says: "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see thehypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?
"The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husbandcomes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries herinto the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says: "Don't move. I'llbe right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minuteslater and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife likenever before.
His wife says: "Boy that was wonderful!"
The husband says: "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes backinto the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than thefirst time.The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husbandagain says: "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes backin the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, inthe bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror saying:
"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
• The doctor was surprised to find old man Jones sitting on the bedholding up his middle finger and sticking out his tongue. He walked over to thenurse who was taking his vitals."Excuse me," said the doctor, "but why is Mr. Jones sitting like that?"The nurse replied, "I told him you were going to examine his sexual organs."
• A college professor in an art class asked his students to sketch a nakedman.As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches, he noticed that one of the young ladies had sketched the man with an erection.The professor said, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way."She replied, "What other way???"
• "In my case," said the student to the sex researcher, "when I get it part of the way in, my vision blurs. And when it's all the way in, I can't see athing.""Now, that's an most interesting optical reaction," said the researcher. "It maywell have anatomical as well as physiological basis. If you don't mind, youngman, I'd like to have a look at it."So, the student shrugged and stuck out his tongue.
Q: What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as theyare leaving?
A: Thanks for coming.
• How can you tell if a girl is a redneck?
She can suck a dick and chew tobacco at the same time, and know what to spit andwhat to swallow.
• Without the rubber tree the whole world would have AIDS
.• Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.
• A nymphomaniac is a women as obsessed with sex as the average man.
• Do you know that you would look great with two pounds less ... in myopinion those clothes weigh exactly two pounds!
• There's no business like show business, but there's no job like ablowjob.
• If men had periods, they'd brag about the size of their tampons.
• Having a good boyfriend is like having a good bra, its all aboutsupport!
• For complete control of your computer...grab the mouse by it's ball.
Smoking is pulmonary rape.•
Love is a complicated machinery. But sometimes all you need is a goodscrew to fix it.
• Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
• Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
• Don't laugh...it could be YOUR girlfriend that's making this car shake!• One of us is thinking about sex.......O.K., now it's two.
• As confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market.• If you go around acting like an asshole, sooner or later, you will becovered in crap
.• My first sexual experience took place in my girlfriend's living room.Then she came downstairs and ruined it.
When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after heroperation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be beforeshe could resume her sex life."Uh, I hadn't really thought about it," replied the stunned surgeon. "You're thefirst one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy."
• As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer, "Have you justgotten out of prison?"
"Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess?
Is it because I wanted to have analsex?"
"Partly." She said. "But more because when we finished, you ran around in frontof me, bent over, and shouted, 'Your turn'"•
In interview, Santa was asked: Who's Monica Seles?
A tennis player.Ok, who's Monica Lewinski?
Q: Why does a blond need a triangle coffin?
A: Because everytime their head hits a pillow, their legs spread.
• Banta: Did you have a chance to sleep with my wife yet?
Santa: What are you saying. I would never even think about such things.
Banta: Well. You might want to. She is much better, then yours.
• A man kills a deer & cooks it but doesn't tell kids what it is.He gives a clue: It's what mom calls me.
Boy cries out: Don’t eat it. It's a fucking asshole.
• Doctor: Do you watch your husband's face during sex?
Preeto: I did once & saw anger.
Doctor: WhyPreeto: Because he was watching from the window.
• A doctor saw a nurse with one of her boobs hanging out of dress. He questioned her, Nurse said, "Oh these medical students never keep things inplace after use!"
• Santa: If I sleep with your best friend what will be the first thoughtto cross your mind?
Wife: That you are a homosexual.
• Q: What do you call it when a person with multiple personality disordermasturbates?
A: An orgy.Did you ever notice that everyone in favor of birth control has already beenborn?
Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.
• Unborn twins in the mother’s stomach saw a penis.
1st Baby: Dekh Papa aa rahe hai.
2nd: Abe stupid, ye pados wale uncle hai, papa kabhi raincoat nahi pehante.
• Remeber: If u need a FUCK, u can always count on me bcoz FUCK stands forFRIENDS U CAN KEEP. Fuck 4ever & promise me that we FUCK till eternity!
• A botany student has brought to our attention the fact that Penis is theonly thing that has to be grown before it is planted!
• Bio teacher: Girls, the size of a penis should be 6 inches for successful penetration.
Girl: Mam, how about 9 inches?
Teacher: I was talking of necessity not luxury.
• The young couple were holding hands in the Sunshine Gardens nudist camp.
"When I tell you I love you," he asked, "why do you always lower your eyes?"
"To see if it's true," she answered shyly.
• Q: What is the definition of "burning love"?
A: It's when at night you reach out for the Vaseline gel and pick up Vicks Vaporub by mistake.•
Q: What is the height of shock?
A: When you are having sex with a pregnant woman & suddenly a hand grabs your dick from inside!
• A gal with his boyfriend opened her legs inviting him 2 fuck n asked:Hamare baby ka naam kya hoga?He wears a condom n says: Iske baad bhi hogaya to ‘Jadugar’.
• Q: Why women wear bra & panty with flowers printed on them?
A: To pay tribute to men who got burrid at these two places.
Monday, April 21, 2008
• Confucious say Man have more hair on chest than woman - but on the(w)hole woman have more.Behind every successful woman, there is a satisfied man, but behind asatisfied woman there is an exhausted man.
• Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood.
• There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
• Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letterwords to convey its full meaning.
• The angle of the dangle is equally proportional to the heat of the meatprovided that the urge to surge remains constant
.• Obscenity is whatever gives the Judge an erection.
• God gave us all a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one ata time.•
Sex relieves tension - love causes it
• Friends are like BRAs...close to your heart, and full of support.Take away the right to say "fuck" and you take away the right to say "fuck the government.
• Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until yourealize you are only fucking yourself.•
"An erection at will is the moral equivalent of a valid credit card."-Alex comfort•
"It's the good girls that keep the diaries; the bad girls never have thetime." -Tallulah Bankhead
• Give a man free hands, and you'll know where to find them." -Mae West
• For me, love is very deep, but sex only has to go a few inches." -StacyNelkin
.Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach isaiming just a little too high.
• Height of dehydration: Man ejaculating white powder.
• If I wanted to listen to an asshole I would have farted.Are mice giving you trouble?No?Than you must have a good pussy!
• I'm a bit shy...I'd like to have sex with you; you do not have to sayyes, just smile to me!
• Q: Whats the definitoin of suspicion?
A: A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field
.• Do you know that you would look great with two pounds less ... in myopinion those clothes weigh exactly two pounds !
• A kiss is called humanity if its on cheek, love if on lips, passion ifon breast, humor if on navel, sex if on vagina and called bravery if its on asshole.
• A Guy picks up a girl for the date. Why are u wearing ur belt around urknee.?
Girl: I promised my mom that I wouldn't let you touch me below my belt.
• Thought for the day: In terms of sex satisfaction, woman is like a roadand a man is like a traveller. The traveller gets tired but the road never ends!
• A teacher: What part of the body goes to heaven first?A child replies: Feet- coz every nite I see my mum with her feet in the airscreamin GOD I'M COMIN!
• A blonde has a car crash & an ambulance arrives.The paramedic asks, "How many fingers have I got up?" Blonde replies, "Oh no, Ithink I'm paralyzed too.
• Q: What do you call Afghan virgin?
A: Never Bin LaDen.
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
• If size doesn't matter, why I am so popular?•
.Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
• Definition of an orgasm: Gland Finale.
• Sex is my religion.. let us pray!
• Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?
• Philosopy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex.
• I read so many bad things about sex that I had to give up reading.
• Assassins do it from behind.
• Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer!S
ex is nobody's business except the three people involved.
• Any piece of clothing can be sexy with a quietly passionate woman insideit.
• Good manners are the lubricant of social intercourse
• A penis is the lightest thing in the world...even a thought can raiseit.
• An unfortunate person is one tries to fart but shits instead.
• Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
• Avoid mailmen. They're carriers!•
All medicines have Side effects, only VIAGARA has Front effect.
• On wall, women's loo on the Enterprise: "Where no man has gone before"
A Greek n Italian were arguing over who is superior.Greek: We gave sex to the world.
Italians: Yes you did, but we introduced it to women!
• A mother taught to her son to go to bathroom by the numbers. 1 open urfly, 2 take out ur equipment, 3 pull back the skin, 4 do ur business, 5 let theskin forward, 6 stow ur equipment, 7 close ur fly. She used to check him often nshe was pleased to listen 1,2,3,4,5,6,7 until one day when she heard, 3-5, 3-5,3-5, 3-5,3-5.
• At a Gynecologist convention in two gynecologists were talking. One from France says, "There was a woman in my office yesterday with a clitoris like awatermelon."One from England says, "That's impossible, if she had a clitoris the size of awatermelon she couldn't walk.The first one responded, "You English, always thinking about size. I was talking about taste."
• Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with the dentist.She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her dentist and she was going to propose to him.Her friend said, "You're beautiful, you have dozens of men that adore you. Why is this dentist THE man for you?"
"Because," explained Marsha, "he is the first man that ever said to me 'SPIT,don't SWALLOW'
• "It was just a simple mis understanding, your honor," testified the man charged with indecent exposure."Explain that statement!" demanded the judge."Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman, so I showed her."
• The boss went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?""Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender.The boss replied, "Good, then you fire her!"
• An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the barmaid, "Give me a double Scotch on the rocks.""What do you want to do, get me in trouble?" the barmaid asked."Maybe later," the kid said. "Right now, I just want the Scotch."•
Q: If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squashknees, what do gynecologists get?A: Tunnel vision.
• Sex is good, sex is fine. Doggy style or 69.
Just 4 fun or getting paid,everyone loves getting laid. So if u want me in the sack, lick ur lips n text meback.
• One day the PENIS tells the balls: Tonight v r goin for a party!The balls reply: U bloody fuckin liar, u always get inside while v r left outside!
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and onlyenough blood to run one at a time."
• Sex appeal is fifty percent what you've got and fifty percent whatpeople think you've got.
• Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love
• Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.
• They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.
• Homosexuality is god's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren'tburdened with children.
• Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won'teither.
• Avoid rape - say yes!
• Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until yourealize you are only fucking yourself.
• Give a man free hands, and you'll know where to find them.Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!
• Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.•
A man must be potent and orgasmic to ensure the future of the race. Awoman only needs to be available.
Confucius say......man who puts hand in bush is not always a gardener!
• A botany student has brought to our attention the fact that Penis is theonly thing that has to be grown before it is planted!
• Playboy has started a special edition 4 married men. The same woman is featured every month.
• As a man goes older, it is harder and harder for him to grow harder.
• An erection is like the Theory of Relativity - the more you think aboutit, the harder it gets.
• Virgin Airline ad: "We are more experienced than our name suggests!
'Great, just what I need,' she moaned as he brought home a new microwaveoven. 'One more thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds.'
• Q: If a married woman is called Polo... The mint with a hole, thenwhat's an unmarried woman called?A: Center Fresh.
• To avoid condom related accident use 2 condoms with chilli powder inbetween them if outer breaks she will know and if inner one breaks you willknow!
• Mother: Do u know the meaning of Mangalsutra?Daughter: Yes, it is the license to enjoy Kamasutra.
• A Survey Report: 65% of all women carry condoms. The other 35% carrybabies.
• Q: What is the difference between a woman and a fridge?A: A fridge does not moan when there is meat inside.
• Q: Why does a woman have two pair of lips?A: One is for fighting and one is to make up.
• Q: What is the resemblance between a woman and a condom?A: They both fit around your dick and are present in your wallet.
• Q: Why does a stupid blond girl never swim on her belly?A: When she feels something wet she turn on her back.
• When I was born I got the choice: a major dick or a fine memory. I amnot able to remember what I did choose.Constipation is the thief of time
• Whoever said talk is cheap hasn't seen phone sex bills.
• Sex is like snow... You never know how many inches you're going to getor how long it will last.
• An erection is like the Theory of Relativity - the more you think aboutit, the harder it gets.
• The best contraceptive is a glass of cold water: not before or after,but instead.
• I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes.
• Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
• Viagra now available in eye drops, you don't get an erection but youlook hard!
• Sex: the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expensedamnable.Tarzan and Jane came to New York and were being interviewed.
A reporter said: Tarzan, what is your wife's name?
Tarzan replied: Jane.
The reporter then said: No, what is her whole name?
Tarzan answered: Pussy.
• Name the 5 great kings that have brought happiness in peoples lives?
• Women are like a pair of rubber boots. When they are dry, you cannot enter them, when they are wet, they smell and when you walk on the street withthem, people laugh at you.
• A man meets a lady at a bar and says: Hi, what' ur name?
She replies: Carman, coz I like cars & I like men, what's urs?
Man replies: Beer cunt!
• Banana and a vibrator sitting on a bedside table. Banana turns 2vibrator I don't know why you are fuckin shaking, she's goin 2 eat me!
• Customer: Excuse me, but how can this tiny little hand bag cost so much?
Cashier: It`s made of foreskin madam, when u lick it, it becomes a suit case!
• After great sex, she lies there stroking his penis.
He asks: Do you want more sex?
She says: No. Just admiring your penis. I used to have one just like it.
• A gal tells her Doctor: I've got a bad discharge.He fingers her & says how’s it feel?
Gal: Very nice, but the discharge is in my ear.
• The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating, but only10% enters the female, and you wondered why the sea tasted so Fu*kin salty!
• A lady walks into the dentist's office, takes off her underwear, sitsdown on the chair and spreads her legs wide open.
"You must have made a mistake," says the shocked dentist, "The gynecologist's office is one level higher.
"To that the lady replies, "No mistake, you installed my husband's dentures lastweek, now you'll be the one getting them out.
"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex formoney usually costs a lot less.
• The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.
• The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even remember her first husband.
• Here is the definition of divorce.......She gets the ring and the mangets the finger!
• Too much sex is not good for one, but rather nice for two!
• There's a fire at the whorehouse - some come out running and others runout coming!
• I wonder how long it's gonna be before a feminist pilot refuses to enterthe cockpit.
• Philosopy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex.
• Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man'sgenitals through his wallet. -Robbin Williams
• Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raisessome pretty good questions.
These two fags were doing what comes unnaturally when they were disturbedby a policeman.They ran and hid in an alley. The policeman searched and eventually found one of them.He told him, "when I catch your boyfriend I'm going to shove this nightstickright up his ass."Just then a voice from a nearby dustbin called, "I'm over here officer!"
• A man walked briskly into the drug store, went over to the pharmacistand said: I would like a box of Sex-Lax.The pharmacist smiled and replied: You must mean Ex-Lax."No," the man responded: I don't have any trouble going.
• A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had tobring in a permission slip in order to take it.A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework."
• What's the diff between hook in circket and hook of bra.One sends ball out of boundary and other keeps balls within the boundary.
Wife: No, I might go deaf!
Husband: I have been cumin in ur mouth for 15 years & ur still fuckin talking.
• Little gypsy girl: Which way do my knickers go?
Her Mom: How many fucking more times do I have to tell you yellow to the front &brown to the back!There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
• Everyday, 200 million couples around the world have sex, which is about over 2000 couples at any given moment.
• In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband’s lover, on theother hand, may be killed in any manner desired.•
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal ar epunishable by death.
• The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
.The Roman emperor Nero used to dress up young boys in his dead wife'sclothes and make love to them.
• A man's testicles increase in size by 50% when he is aroused.
• Many species of bird copulate in the air. In general, a couple will flyto a very high altitude, and then drop. During their descent, the birds mate.Sometimes the couple gets too involved and SPLAT!
• Ancient Greeks admired the small firm penis, and considered the largemember aesthetically unappealing.
The difference between Niagara and Viagra is that Niagara Falls.•
Instant sex will never be better than the kind you have to peel and cook.
• Condoms should have perferations; They'd be easier to get off then.
• No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all.
• A blowjob is the only job in the world that can't be included in your resume despite years of experience and a number of refrences!
• An erection is like the Theory of Relativity - the more you think aboutit, the harder it gets.
• Q: What do you call it when a person with multiple personality disordermasturbates?
A: An orgy.
• Text msgs are like a blow job from an amateur prostitute......shortsweet and cheap!
• I think I've reached my sexpiration date.
• Men are like bagpipes... you won’t get anywhere unless you blow themfirst!
• My pregnant girlfriend reminds me of a burned cake. I wish I had removedit a minute earlier.
• I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes.
Do a mouse a favour... Eat a Pussy!
• When I was a baby, I played with toys. Now I'm a lady and I play withboys!
Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?
A: Because she threw out all the bent ones.
• The Five Sizes of Penises: 1. Small, 2. Medium, 3. Large, 4. Oh My God!,and 5. Is that available in white?
• Man gives blood to save his girlfriends life. Later on they split up and man wants blood back. She throws a used tampon at him and says: Pay you monthly,you bastard!
• Ladies Hostel Caught Fire... It took 1 hour to bring the fire undercontrol...and 3 hours to bring the firemen under control.
• One car salesmen complained to the other, "Business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass."Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language."That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'mgoing to lose my fucking car."
• Q: Which boy has the permission to get into a girls' bathroom and touchher anywhere he likes?A: Lifebuoy.•
Q: How do we know men invented maps?
A: Who else would turn an inch into a mile!
• 3 men sitting in a cafe, all wanking.
Waitress: What the fuck are you all doing?One points to a sign that reads: FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!
• Happiness is like penis; always looks small if you hold it in your handsbut when you learn to share it, you'll realize how big & precious it is!
• Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.
• A girl who opens her hands receives gifts. Who opens her heart receiveslove. Who opens her legs receives HAPPENIS.
• Wives are funny creatures... They don't have sex with their husbands forweeks and then they want to kill the woman who does!
• Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack.
• New AIDS awareness slogan: Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.
• Guys are like roses, just watch out for the pricks.
• Go on. Add some variety to your sex life...Use the other hand!
• I'm so horny, I get aroused when I squeeze into a tight parking place.Dentist didn’t get erection on wedding night so he used finger.
Wife:What's this?Nothing honey, just a temporary filling.
• I've invented a fly spray that doesn't kill flies; it makes them so sexually active, you can swat two at a time.
• If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?
Tit-Bits.And if it bursts in a man's underwear?Banana split.
• Old Chinese proverb says: Man with erection walking through doorsideways is always going to Bangkok.
• Doctor: Ur knees all blistered?
Lady: Coz of doggy style!
Doctor: Cant u do it any other style?
Lady: Oh, I can, but the dog can't!
• Wife, stark naked, stands on her head in bed.Husband: What the hell are you doing?
Wife: I figured if you can't get it up, you could surely drop it in.
• What's the diff between a bomb n a condom?
In a bomb blast population decreases & if a condom blasts population increases.
• Sometimes I call my husband 'Q'," the wife told her friend.
Her friend asked: Why's that? Is he some kinda super guy like that man on StarTrek?
No, he's a big fat zero with a little dick hanging' down.
• Two women were having lunch together and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.The first woman: I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job.
The second woman: Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!
To which the first replies: Wow! I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!
• A woman with 14 children, ranging in age from 1-14, went to court to sue her husband for divorce on grounds of desertion.
"When did he leave you?" the judge asked."Thirteen years ago," the tired mother replied.The judge was confused. "Well, if he left thirteen years ago, where did all these children come from?"
"Well," said the woman, "he kept coming back to say he was sorry."
College is like a woman; you work so hard to get in and nine months later you wish you'd never come.
I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out that it's good only forremoving toilet stains.
I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infectedwith AIDS I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.
I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me todial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with callsto Uganda , Singapore and Tokyo.
I also stopped drinking water outside for fear that I will get sick from the rat shit and urine.
When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot sheis, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me, then take mykidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girlthat was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. (Poor girl!she's been 7 since 1993)
My free Nokia phone never arrived and neither did the free passes for apaid vacation to Disneyland.
Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Dalai Lama, GaneshVandana, Tirupathi Balaji pics etc..Now most of those "Wishes" are already married (to someone else)!
You can add your own notes based on your similar experience and sendthem to your friends.
If ORKUT deletes my account, it doesn't matter BUT PLEASE DON'T SEND me"Orkut is deleting accounts: Due to sudden rush..." Otherwise I WILLDELETE MY ORKUT account!
IMPORTANT NOTE: If you do not send this e-mail to at least 913760people in the next 10 seconds, a bird will shit on your head today.
Give me a break!!
This was forwaded to me. Nice one and You should send this to as much people you can.[:)]
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