Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Waterproof towel ---
Book on how to read ----
Pedal powered wheel chair.
Why did the blonde cut the sides of the capsule before taking it?
To avoid side effects.
A blonde man proposed to a girl. The girl said, "I'm a year older than you."
Blonde man said, "OK, no problem, I'll marry you next year."
Why was the blonde writing the exam near the door? Because it was an
A blonde's son: Dad, there is some one at the door collecting
donations for a swimming pool.
Blonde dad: Give him a glass of water.
Blonde:I am a proud father, my son is in medical college.
Redhead: Really, what is he studying?
Blonde: He is not studying, they are studying him.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and
said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied,
"No, but Grandma is!
Santa's Jigsaw sex toy shop 'Twas the night before Christmas--
Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH
A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.
Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't
want to pay for it."
But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining,
he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house.
Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas
tree. "How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks.
"I didn't cut it down," the father replies.
"I got it at a tree lot."
"Then why did you bring an axe?"
"Because I didn't want to pay."
Monday, December 22, 2008
1. We are always late; we would have missed all 4 flights.
2. We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves.
3. With free food & drinks on the plane, we would forget why we're There
4. We talk with our hands;therefore we would have to put our weapons down.
5. We would ALL want to fly the plane.
6. We would argue and start a fight in the plane.
7. We can't keep a secret; we would have told everyone a week before doing it.
8. We would have put our country's flag on the windshield.
9. We would have postponed the mission because a cricket match was going on that day
10. We would all have fallen over each other to be in the photograph being taken with one of the hostages.
When there's something happy and memorable happened in your new life, put some money in. Write down what it's about next to the line. The more memorable the event is, the more money you can put in. I've done the first one for you today. Do the others with Hitesh.
When you look back after years, you can know how much happiness you've had.'
Monica shared this with Hitesh when getting home.
They both thought it was a great idea and were anxious to know when the second deposit can be made. This was what they did after certain time:
- 7 Feb: Rs.100, first birthday celebration for Hitesh after marriage
- 1 Mar: Rs.300, salary raise for Monica
- 20 Mar: Rs.200, vacation trip to Bali
- 15 Apr: Rs.2000, Monica got pregnant - 1 Jun: Rs.1000, Hitesh got promoted
..... and so on...
However, after years, they started fighting and arguing for trivial things. They didn't talk much. They regretted that they had married the most nasty people in the world.... no more love...
Kind of typical nowadays, huh?
One day Monica talked to her Mother:
'Mom, we can't stand it anymore. We agree to divorce. I can't imagine how I decided to marry this guy!!!'
Mother: 'Sure, girl, that's no big deal. Just do whatever you want if you really can't stand it.
But before that, do one thing first. Remember the saving passbook I gave you on your wedding day? Take out all money and spend it first. You shouldn't keep any record of such a poor marriage.'
Monica thought it was true. So she went to the bank, waiting at the queue and planning to cancel the account. While she was waiting, she took a look at the passbook record. She looked, and looked, and looked.
Then the memory of all the previous joy and happiness just came up her mind. Her eyes were then filled with tears. She left and went home. When she was home, she handed the passbook to Hitesh, asked him to spend the money before getting divorce. The next day, Hitesh gave the passbook back to Monica. She found a new deposit of Rs.5000.
And a line next to the record:
'This is the day I notice how much I've loved you thru out all these years. How much happiness you've brought me.'
They hugged and cried, putting the passbook back to the safe. Do you know how much money they had saved when they retired?
I did not ask.I believe the money did not matter any more after they had gone thru all the good years in their life. "When you fall, in any way, Don't see the place where you fell, Instead see the place from where you slipped. Life is about correcting mistakes."
Saturday, December 20, 2008
disconsolately around the house.
"Good old Gloria," lamented one. "She could handle twenty men
a night, drink a fifth of whiskey and still have the strength
to roll five drunks."
Hearing this, one of the others burst into tears.
"Why is it," she sobbed, "that a girl has to die before
anyone says anything nice about her?"
Friday, December 19, 2008
Astrologer: Qudrat Ne Teri Qismat Mai Dukh Nai Likhe To Mai Kiya Kar Sakta Hun" Sardar, Divorce & Divide A sardar and his wife go for divorce. Judge asks, "You have 3 kids; how will you divide them?" Sardar thinks and says, "Ok, we'll come next year!" Sardar's Kidney Failing In Skool? DOCTOR: Ur Kidney Has Failed!
§ARDAR: Doctor! Wat da hell R U Talking,
My Kidney Never Went 2 School
Then How It Failed.? Kid: Once a he-goat was being taken to butcher's hop. So the goat was crying loudly. The school boy asked his mom about the reason for this. Mom cleared his doubt. Then the boy said with deep breathe," oh ! that's OK, I was worried that he is being taken to school." Busy youth 1 Hand On Horn
1 Hand On Gear
1 Ear Listening to Songz
1 Ear On the Mobile
1 Foot On Accelerator
Other On Clutch
& both Eyes On Girlz
Welcome to INDIA
with our hardworking youth... Arz kiya hai Shayer: Arz kia hai.
Sardar: Irshad irshad.
Shayer: Arz kia hai.
Sardar: Irshad irshad.
Shayer: Abay kamine bolne to de .
Sardar: Wah wah wah ;-)
Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.
Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.
Wife - but I told you about it in morning.
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.
Wife - Ya ALLAH! forget it where's yoursalar.
Husband - fine in use, read only, try after some time.
Wife - at least give me your credit cart, I can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.
Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you..
Husband - date type mismatch.
Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.
Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.
Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.
Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.
Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.
Wife - I will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.
Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.
Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.
Wife - I m going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer.
English - I love you
Afrikaans - Ek het jou lief
Albanian - Te dua
Arabic - Ana behibak (to male)
Arabic - Ana behibek (to female)
Armenian - Yes kez sirumem
Bambara - M'bi fe
Bengali - Ami tomake bhalobashi (pronounced: Amee toe-ma-kee bhalo-bashee)
Belarusian - Ya tabe kahayu
Bisaya - Nahigugma ako kanimo
Bulgarian - Obicham te
Cambodian - Soro lahn nhee ah
Catalan - T'estimo
Cherokee - Tsi ge yu i
Cheyenne - Ne mohotatse
Chichewa - Ndimakukonda
Cantonese - Ngo oiy ney a
Mandarin - Wo ai ni
Comanche - U kamakutu nu
(pronounced oo----ka-ma- koo-too-- ---nu) -- Thx Tony
Corsican - Ti tengu caru (to male)
Cree - Kisakihitin
Creol - Mi aime jou
Croatian - Volim te
Czech - Miluji te
Danish - Jeg Elsker Dig
Dutch - Ik hou van jou
Elvish - Amin mela lle (from The Lord of The Rings, by J.R.R. Tolkien)
Esperanto - Mi amas vin
Estonian - Ma armastan sind
Ethiopian - Afgreki'
Faroese - Eg elski teg
Farsi - Doset daram
Filipino - Mahal kita
Finnish - Mina rakastan sinua
French - Je t'aime, Je t'adore
Frisian - Ik hald fan dy
Gaelic - Ta gra agam ort
Georgian - Mikvarhar
German - Ich liebe dich
Greek - S'agapo
Gujarati - Hoo thunay prem karoo choo
Hiligaynon - Palangga ko ikaw
Hawaiian - Aloha Au Ia `oe
To female - "ani ohev otach" (said by male) "ohevet Otach" (said by female)
To male - "ani ohev otcha" (said by male) "Ohevet ot'cha" (said by female)
Hiligaynon - Guina higugma ko ikaw
Hindi - Main Tumhe Pyar Karta hu
Hmong - Kuv hlub koj
Hopi - Nu' umi unangwa'ta
Hungarian - Szeretlek
Icelandic - Eg elska tig
Ilonggo - Palangga ko ikaw
Indonesian - Saya cinta padamu
Inuit - Negligevapse
Irish - Taim i' ngra leat
Italian - Ti amo
Japanese - Aishiteru or Anata ga daisuki desu
Kannada - Naanu ninna preetisuttene
Kapampangan - Kaluguran daka
Kiswahili - Nakupenda
Konkani - Tu magel moga cho
Korean - Sarang Heyo or Nanun tangshinul sarang hamnida
Latin - Te amo
Latvian - Es tevi miilu
Lebanese - Bahibak
Lithuanian - Tave myliu
Luxembourgeois - Ech hun dech gaer
Macedonian - Te Sakam
Malay - Saya cintakan mu / Aku cinta padamu
Malayalam - Njan Ninne Premikunnu
Maltese - Inhobbok
Marathi - Me tula prem karto
Mohawk - Kanbhik
Moroccan - Ana moajaba bik
Nahuatl - Ni mits neki
Navaho - Ayor anosh'ni
Ndebele - Niyakutanda
Bokmaal - Jeg elsker deg
Nyonrsk - Eg elskar deg
Pandacan - Syota na kita!!
Pangasinan - Inaru Taka
Papiamento - Mi ta stimabo
Persian - Doo-set daaram
Pig Latin - Iay ovlay ouyay
Polish - Kocham Ciebie
Portuguese - Eu te amo
Romanian - Te iubesc
Russian - Ya tebya liubliu
Scot Gaelic - Tha gra\dh agam ort
Serbian - Volim te
Setswana - Ke a go rata
Sign Language - ,\,,/ (represents position of fingers when signing 'I Love You')
Sindhi - Maa tokhe pyar kendo ahyan
Sioux - Techihhila
Slovak - Lu`bim ta
Slovenian - Ljubim te
Spanish - Te quiero / Te amo
Swahili - Ninapenda wewe
Swedish - Jag alskar dig
Swiss-German - Ich lieb Di
Surinam - Mi lobi joe
Tagalog - Mahal kita
Taiwanese - Wa ga ei li
Tahitian - Ua Here Vau Ia Oe
Tamil - Nan unnai kathalikaraen
Telugu - Nenu ninnu premistunnanu
To female - Phom rak khun
To male - Chan rak khun
Informal - Rak te
Tunisian - Ha eh bak
Turkish - Seni Seviyorum
Ukrainian - Ya tebe kahayu
Urdu - mai aap say pyaar karta hoo
To female - Anh ye^u em
To male - Em ye^u anh
Welsh - 'Rwy'n dy garu di
Yiddish - Ikh hob dikh
Yoruba - Mo ni fe
Zazi - Ezhele hezdege
Zuni - Tom ho' ichema
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
partner asked "sardar, there is no century or half century or wining
moment why you rasied your bat." You don't know the value of 35
scores. I know it from my school time.
Its the Pass Marks :)
Parvinder and Habib are beggars in UK. They beg in different areas of London.
Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes,
lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do
you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'
Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work. I have a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3
Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?
Parvinder shows his sign....
It reads, 'I only need another £100 to move back to Pakistan '.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead:
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week." The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:
"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . .
he replied laughing,"Coz . . ." "I just love hearing it. . . ."
Waqt har manzil dikha deta hai.
Marta nahi ko kisi se juda hoke,
Waqt sabko jina sikha deta hai.
Yaad karte hai tumhe tanhayee main,
Dil duba hai gum ki gahraye main,
Tum dhoondti ho humein apne dil mein,
Hum milenge tumhe tumhari parchayee main.
Tu chandramukhi main suryamukhi,
Tu bhi dukhi main bhi dukhi,
Tu chatt se neeche kud ja,
Tu bhi sukhi main bhi sukhi.
Behind ur smile I know there r sorrows,
Behind ur laughter I know there r tears,
And I want u 2 know that behind u I am always there 4 u.
Deewane hai tere naam ke is baat se inkaar nahi,
Kaise kahe ki humain aapse pyar nahi.
Kuch to kasoor hai aapki nigaho ka,
Hum akele to gunehegaar nahi.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she
said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her
fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy's gonna eat your fingers!"
pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at
her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong honey?"
She replied "Mommy, where's my boogie?"
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices the floor is covered in $100 bills.
Next, there's a knock at the door, so he answers it!
Standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb, and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies!
One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first wish--having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."
A Blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her. She goes out
and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, and, sure enough,
when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
She becomes extremely angry. She opens her purse and pulls out the gun
to shoot him, but she's suddenly overcome with grief.
She puts the gun up to the side her head. Her boyfriend yells "Honey,
don't do it." She replies "Shut up, you're next."
A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt.
"Why are you wearing a Thank God it's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?"
"Oh shit!" the blonde says,
"I thought it meant Tits Go In Front."
WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN, HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO
STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!!
HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN
APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY
JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES
HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.
THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A
TREE. "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."
THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'S A WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD FEET
OF LUMBER IN 'ER."
THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT
A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER
WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A
"THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET."
THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK
AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!!
ONE MORE TEST. THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE
FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"
BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE OAK, 242
BOARD FEET AT BEST."
THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE
TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS. AS THEY
NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP
HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVER
THERE?" "I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!"
THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE
FRONT OF THE TREE?"
WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING
AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.
HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "THAT THAR'S THE
FRONT," THE REDNECK SAYS.
THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL
DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"
THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS
LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A POOP BEHIND IT!"
HE GOT THE JOB AND IS NOW THE FOREMAN!!!!!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
They were having lunch and Gujjuopened his lunch box said, "Dhokla ! If I get dhokla one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Madrasi opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Idli Sambhar again! If I get idli sambhar one more time I'm going to jump off too."
The sardaar opened his lunch and said, "Parontha again! If I get a parontha one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Gujju opened his lunch box, saw dhokla, and jumped to his death.
The Madrasi opened his lunch, saw idli sambhar, and jumped, too. The sardaar opened his lunch, saw the parontha and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, Gujju's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of dhokla, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Madrasi's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him dossa! I didn't realize he hated idli sambhar so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the sardaar's wife. .. ..
The sardaar's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off,
Monday, December 8, 2008
A place where Papa Pays and Son Plays.
A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
A person who works up to give you sleeping tablets so that you thank the doctors that treatment is going in right direction
Something like the game of Cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test match.
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Future tense of Marriage.
An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
A place where success comes before work.
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Books, which people praise, but do not read.
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
A place where you can relax after from your family troubles.
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
The name men give to their mistakes.
An invention to end all inventions.
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
A credit card provided by GOD.
A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills
Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress
upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curbbackward,
pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, 'Now you
stay. Do you hear m e?' 'Stay! Stay!'
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a
strange look and said,
'Why don't you just put it in park?
ones, one of them bought a few of the latest toy gadgets.
Unfortunately, they all read, "Batteries Not Included."
So they headed over to the electronics department for batteries, but
they were all behind the counter. Try as she might, the woman with the
gadgets could not get the attention of one of the harried sales
"I know how to get a clerk's attention," her friend said. "Watch this, April."
She opened her purse, pulled out a tape measure and began measuring
the dimensions of one of those $4,000 plasma TVs.
Instantly, a sales clerk practically leap-frogged over several
displays to reach the woman. "Can I help you?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, pointing to the display behind the counter. "We need
batteries. Four AA's, two size D's and two nine-volts!"
A collector of rare books and a bookstore owner were having lunch one
afternoon when the topic of discussion turned to old Bibles. The
bookstore owner had mentioned he'd given away an old worn-out Bible
"Who printed it?" the book collector asked.
"Hmmm, Guten-somebody-or-other, I think," said the store owner.
"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!" the store owner replied.
"You gave it away? Where?" the book collector asked, almost choking on
a mouthful of food.
"Goodwill, I think," said the store owner. "I'm not sure. There are
several organizations that come to my store to pick up donations."
"I can't believe it!" the book collector exclaimed. "You gave away one
of the first books ever printed! Do you realize the historical
significance of this? A copy recently sold at auction for half a
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to
that much," replied the store owner. "It was scribbled all over in the
margins with notes by some guy named Martin Luther."
One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some
extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a
little extra in the offering plate. He added that whoever gave the
most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed and collected, the pastor saw
that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited
that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation. "Someone has
blessed us with a $1,000 donation!" he announced. "Please let me know
who you are. I want to personally thank you."
A woman in the back of the church who looked to be in her late 40's
raised her hand.
"Please come up front," the pastor said. The woman made her way up front.
"Thank you for your wonderfully generous gift to the church," the
pastor said. "Please, I would like you to pick out three hymns."
The woman's eyes brightened. She looked over the congregation, pointed
to the three handsomest men in the church and said, "I'll take him and
him and him!"
Sunday, December 7, 2008
The DJ asked the transexual "What sort of pain did you experience
during the operation?"
The transexual replied, "Well, when they cut my penis off, that really
didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. Then they implanted the
breasts in my chest, well, that really didn't hurt too much either..."
"Then you didn't experience any real physical pain at all then?"
"You're joking! What really hurt was when they removed half my brain
and doubled the size of my mouth!
place far off, to meet this friend. She reached there in a few hours.
After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up
her mother to expect her in the evening. But she didn't reach home in
the evening and not the next day either.
When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother
ran and asked her "What Happened?"
She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said,
"Oy, ye these car designers, these people are crazy! They have four
gears for going forward, but only one for going back!"
After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five
different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fell into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the
bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers
on and off, though it was a fine, dry summer's night, flicked the
blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then
switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and
then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other
patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled
out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having
waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on
the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a
breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no
evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me
to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly. "Tonight I'm the
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