Tuesday, June 24, 2008

HOW TO BREAK THE BAD NEWS

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo your country house caretaker"

"Ah yes, Mr.Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition? "

"That's the one." "Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.

Oh well...what did he die from?" "From eating rotten meat."

"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"

"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."

"Dead horse? What dead horse Mr.Arnaldo?"

"Why, those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire."

"What the.....!!!But there is electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for???"

"For the funeral."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!! !!!"

"Your mother's! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her."

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Banker Jokes

A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account"

To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."

"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Teacher & Student

Teacher : Hame in machron ko paida hone se rokna chahiye.
Student : Wo to ho hi nahin sakta.
Teacher : Kyon?
Student : Kyon ki itna chota condom ban hi nahi sakta.

BHUMI PUJAN

LADKIYAN SHADI KE BAD MANG ME SINDUR KYU LAGATI HAI?

ISSE LADKO KO PATA CHALE KI JIS PLOT PE UNKI NAZAR HAI US PLOT KA BHUMI PUJAN HO CHUKA HAI.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Men always have better friends....

A wife was not at home for a whole night.
So she tells her husband the very next morning,
that she stayed at her (girl) friend's apartment overnight.
So the husband calls 10 of her best (girl) friends and
none of them confirmed that she was with them.


Friends of Men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night.
So he tells his wife the very next morning,
that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night
So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirmed that
he stayed at their apartments that night and
another 5 claimed that he is still with them!!

Free Hair Cut....

There was a good old barber in Hyderabad. One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you, I am doing a Community Service.

Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a "Thank You" Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A Confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber he again refuses to take the money. The Confectioner is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is another "Thank you" Card and a dozen Cakes waiting at his door.

A Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber again refuses the money saying that it was a community service. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there

Scroll down for answer
......
.........
.... ...
... ... ... ..
. ... ... ... ...
... ... ... ...
A Dozen Software engineers waiting for a free haircut...
With Printouts of the Forwarded mail mentioning about free haircut!

Where is God?

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

"Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time.

GOD is missing, and they think we did it!

Income Tax Department

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000.00 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time(weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000.00, and asked the little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the Income Tax Department."

Female Software Programming ! ...... ...!!!!!

struct female_professional s
{double styles;
short skirts;
long time_to_understand_ problems;
float mind;
void knowledge;
char non_co-operative; }

struct married_females{
double weight;
short tempered
;long gossip;
float hopes;
void word;
char unstable;}

struct engaged_females{
double time_on_phone;
short attention_on_ work;
long boast;float on_cloud_nine;
void understanding;
char edgy;}

struct newly_married_ females{
double dinner_invitation;
short time_at_work;
long lunch_break;
void bank_balance;
char hen_pecked;}

struct husband_wife_ professionals{
double income;
short tempered;
long time_no_see_ each_other;
void love_life;
char money_making; }

struct beautiful_city_ girl{
double boyfriends;
short affairs;long stories;
void greymatter;
char flirt;}

struct old_lady{
double chin;
short memory;
long sighs ;
void attention_from_ men;
char chatterbox;}

Gym- lose your weight

One guy - goes to a popular GYM in Bangalore sees an ad fora new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg.

They lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute.He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying If you catch me, I'm yours.

He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door.

In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him.

Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.

He's back on the street and starts to think. God, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little moretime...

So he races back to the gym and says, I want to lose 20 more. No problem,says the manager.

Again he is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign.

If I catch you, you're mine.--

Friday, June 13, 2008

Generation Gap

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one !", the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.

"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, BPS, light-speed processing .... and..."

...pausing to take another drink of beer.... The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young, so we invented them. Now, you - arrogant little - what are you doing for the next generation?"

Does Heart Have Legs?

One fine day at school, the teacher was teaching about the heart. After she had finished she said, "If any one has any doubts about what I have taught please ask."

Little Bobby stands up and asks,"Teacher, does the heart have legs?"

She replies, "no it doesn't. What makes you ask such a question?"

He says "Last night when I went into my parents bedroom.

I over heard my dad saying SWEET HEART spread your LEGS"

A Results-Oriented Man

Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe... ""Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset?

I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc. She's awfully cold." "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay." He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee.

Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..." His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as

he replies, "Me too

The list

A man is having problems with his Johnson which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out; you only have 30 erections left in your penis."

The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him.

She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that; we should make a list!"

He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."

all-night duty

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, darling," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? OfficerFenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the FireChief?"

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Backwards Compliment

A wife was getting pretty upset about her husband's lack of attention and decided to come on a little stronger to him. After dinner, she put on her sexy, backless night-gown backwards so her tits were showing and sauntered into the living room.

"Notice anything?" she asked slyly.

"Yes, you've got your night-gown on backwards." her husband answered simply.

"How could you tell?" she cooed. "Because the shit stains are in the front." he said.

Car Operating System..................

Bill was taking a test ride of the car. Suddenly a truck came from opposite side.
Bill pressed ctrl+b to apply brakes.
A pop-up window appeared asking, "Are you sure you really want to stop?"
Before Bill could enter "Yes", there was a crash and the car caught fire.
In panic Bill forgot the password to open the door.
He started shouting "F1! F1!" but there was no computer professional present there to understand his screams.
Then he tried to come out through the car window-pane.
A message appeared on the screen, "An illegal function is performed.
All the window-panes of the car will be closed."
Poor Bill died.
Messengers of death took away his soul and said to him, "You have never ever performed any good deeds in your life. You always stole the code from others. We are going to send you to hell."
Bill pleaded, "I am ready to go to hell but do provide me a computer, please."
Messengers of death smiled inwardly and permitted him a computer, but with no Alt, Ctrl and Delete keys on the keyboard.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Jokes Time

English Teacher: Make a sentence using "Neither-Nor"
Naughty boy Student: When girls wear tight fitting dresses,"NEiTHER" are they comfortable, "NOR" are we!
~~~~~~~~~
A sardar learning English introduces his family in the party:
Hi! I am sardar, This is my sardarni, He is my kid,& she is my kidney.
~~~~~~~~~
"FRIENDS STAND BEHIND U DURING UR BAD TIMES"Do u want a documentary proof ??Ok,In future check out ur marriage album..U'll find al frns behind u !!!
~~~~~~~~~

Kissing a woman at her FOREHEAD is Respect
At her LIPS is Love
CHEEKis Heroism
NECK is Lust
BUT KISSING HER IN FRONT OF HER HUSBAND IS BRAVERY

bakri

kash tum bakri hote,
hum tumhe ghas khilate aur Pyar se tumhare sing hilate aur
puchte 'msg bhejne me kanjus kaun?
tum ya mai'to tum Pyar se bolte
....MEIN MEIN__._,_.___

confessional

At church, Joe was in charge of taking up the offerings.One Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than anticipated. So he questioned Joe. He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation. Joe said that he did not take any of the offering. The priest again quest- ioned him and again he said that he did not take any of the offering. So the priest said "get in the confessional"which Joe did.
Then the priest asked Joe, "Did you take any of the offering?" and this time Joe said, "I can't hear you."
Again the priest asked, "Joe, did you take any of the offering?" Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you."
This time the priest yelled "JOE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?!?"
Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you."
By this time the priest was getting a little angry so he came out of the confessional and said, "Joe, trade places with me and you can ask me a question."
So they traded places and Joe asked. "I hear that you and my wife are having an affair. Is that true?"
To which the priest answered, "By golly, you can't hear in here!"

Black Eye

Three women are talking about their boyfriends.

"It's funny," says Samantha, "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when I'm giving him a blow job!"

"You know what?" replies Jenny, "It's exactly the same with my Richard!"

They turn to the third girl."That's disgusting! I never put his thing in my mouth!"

"You're crazy," one of the girls pipes up. "A good blow job is the best wayto keep a guy! You should try it!"She says she'll think about it.

The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the blow job novice is sporting a wicked shiner."Whoa!" the first girl asks, "How did you get that black eye?!"

"Chris hit me when I was blowing him," she said.

"What on earth for?!" the second girl asks.

"I don't know," she replied. "All I did was tell him how strange it was thathis balls were so warm, seeing as Pete and Richard's are so cold!"

But I have . . . . . .

Two teenaged brothers were arguing with each other very strongly. The issue was who knows better and more about the sex. The elder brother of seventeen gives a challenge to his fourteen year old younger brother. He says that I will ask you a basic question about sex and if you reply it correctly, then only I will admit that you know better and more about sex than me.

“O.K. Done.” Please ask." said the younger of fourteen.

Elder brother asks his younger brother, “Tell me, how many testicles we have, taken both of us together?”

Younger replies instantly, “It’s so easy, Four”.

The elder one says, “Wrong. I have only one.”

Younger one replies, “But I have three, what about that.”

Madam. My . . . . . . . .

A handsome blind person was allowed to stay as a paying guest by a lonely land lady. Being blind, he was considered as harmless creature free to move any where in the house. Once he comes back to house from out side. The moment he enters the house he starts shouting happily and searching the land lady in the house.

He is asks impatiently. “Madam where are you I am very happy today. I want to give very good news to you. Where are you madam? Please tell me.”

The madam replies, “Just wait. I am in the bathroom. I will come with in five minutes”He was anxious.

He says, “No. No. Madam. I can not wait. The news is so good and I want to share it with you instantly. Please come out immediately”.

Madam thinks, “Let me honour his wish. Any how the poor fellow is blind. “So she comes out of the bathroom naked and asks the blind person, come here tell me what the good news is?

He replies, “Madam, do you know? My vision is back”

A little Rubbing

Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts..... ..

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him......"Take me.... young man... Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!!"...And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!

Monday, June 9, 2008

back to Surat!!

At Heathrow airport, an announcement goes out over the Public AddressSystem: 'Mr.Rand Chod Kar Sandaas ! Mr. Rand Chod Kar Sandaas - please report to Reception'.

Ranchhodbhai Karsandas, who has just arrived ex Surat, goes red with anger.He goes to the reception, and shouts loudly to the English receptionist.The following conversation must go into history books of cock-ups:

Ranchhodbhai: 'Madar Chod ! I am Ranchhod.... .... '

Receptionist: 'Mr. Madar Chod Rand Chod ? Sir, that is not the name I have here.. I have Mr. Rand Chod Kar Sandaas..... ....'

Ranchhodbhai: 'Arrey Bhenchod, I am NOT Madar chod !!!'

Receptionist: 'So are you Mr. R.A. Ben or Mr. R.A. Chod ? Is your surname Ben or Chod ?'

Ranchhodbhai: (now really really pissed) 'Chootia taari ! I am Ranchhod.... ....'

Receptionist: 'Excellent sir, so who is Chootia Tari then ???'When upon a Chinese guy turns up at the Reception and says: 'Were you calling me ?'

Receptionist: 'Who are you?'

Chinese Guy: 'I am Choo Tia.....'Where upon Ranchhodbhai decides to fly back to Surat!!!*

Pepsi VS Coke

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, the Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief said, "Yeah." When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi."The Rescue crew were shocked.

One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi"

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."After looking totally perplexed for a minute,

a third asked, "Did you,you know, eat their 'things'?"The chief says,"No.""No?"

asked the rescuer"No," replied the Chief, ... "Things go better with Coke."

Saturday, June 7, 2008

software engineer and beggar

A beggar meets another beggar.
A software engineer meets another software engineer,
Both them ask the same question to each other,
What is the question???.
Ans; So Which platform are you working on???...

How to identify cities in India ???

Scenario 1
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth and they start arguing about who's right.
You are in Kolkata

Scenario 2
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on.
That's Mumbai

Scenario 3
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along & tries to make peace.The first two get together & beat him up.
That's Delhi

Scenario 4
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along And quietly opens a chai-stall
That's Ahmedabad.

Scenario 5
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes he writes a software Program to stop the fight. But the fight doesn't stop b'cos of a bug in the program.
That's Bangalore

Scenario 6
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along And quietly says that "AMMA" doesn't like all this nonsense. Peace comes in.
That's Chennai.

Scenario 7
Two guys are fighting. Third guy comes along with a carton of beer. All sit together drinking beer and abusing each other and all go home being friends.
You are in Goa

Scenario 8
Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call their Friends on mobile. Now 50 guys are fighting.. .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
You are DEFINITELY IN Gurgaon-Haryana

Off Your Cell Phone

Iwent to the movies the other night and sat in an last seat, as I usually do, because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got upand started working her way out.

"Excuse me. Sorry! Oops. Excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry. Oops! Excuse me."

By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was alittle impatient, so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"

"No!" she said in a loud whisper. "The 'Turn Off Your Cell Phone,Please' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."

Show him your card

A farmer and his friend were leaning on a fence chatting.

Suddenly, the local Game Warden showed up and insisted on checking the farmer's property and, in particular, a certain field. The farmer refused to allow him access to the field but the Warden insisted he had the right, saying, "I'm the Game Warden and I have a card! This card allows me to go in." Before the farmer could stop him, the Warden was off into the field.

Soon, a horrifying scream pierced the air and the Warden, being chased by a massive bull, reappeared running for his life. "Help, help!" he cried.

The farmer shouted back, "Show him your card! Show him your card!"

Why three rates?

A boy goes in a red light area and goes on watching the girls there. On many houses mirrors are on display with three notes of different denominations pasted on the mirrors.
Boy mobilised some courage and asked one girl, “ Are these notes indicatives of the rates?”
Girl replies, “Yes.”
Boy asks “What are they for?
Girl replies”Rates are only for kissing.”Boy is surprised.
He asks “How it is that just for a kiss there can be three different rates? Are they for three different girls?
Girl replies, “NO. The rates are equal for all the girls”
Boy further asks, “How come it is possible? Then why at all there are three rates?”
Girl quietly replies, “There are three rates because they depend upon three factors.
First is for Time to be elongated for one kiss,
second is for the pressure with which the kiss is to be taken and
third is for the organ of the girl which is to be kissed.”

Friday, June 6, 2008

Nugget of Gold

In a South American mining district, Mrs. Brown presented her husband with a 12 pound baby boy. Mr. Brown was so delighted that he went to the News office and told that he had found a 12 pound nugget of gold as good as any to be found in South America. The paper, naturally, sent a reporter to get particulars. This is what happened:

Reporter-Does Mr. Brown live here?
Mrs.Brown-he does.

Reporter-Is he in?
Mrs.Brown-No he isn`t.

Reporter-I understand he found a nugget of gold weighing 12 pounds.
Mrs.Brown--(Seeing the joke) Yes.

Reporter-Can you show me the exact location where it was found?
Mrs.Brown-I`m afraid Mr. Brown would object, as it is private.

Reporter-Is the hole far from here?
Mrs.Brown-No, it is quite handy.

Reporter-Has Mr. Brown been working the claim long?
Mrs.Brown-Almost ten months.

Reporter-Was Mr. Brown the first to work it?
Mrs.Brown-He thought he was.

Reporter-Was the work difficult?
Mrs.Brown-It was at first, but easier after the shaft opened.

Reporter-Is the water plentiful?
Mrs.Brown-Yes, sufficient to carry on the work.

Reporter-Has he gotten to the bottom yet?
Mrs.Brown-No, but quite near it.

Reporter-Do you think there are any more nuggets?
Mrs.Brown-Yes, if the claim is properly worked.

Reporter-Has he worked it since he found the nugget?
Mrs.Brown-No, but I told him it was time to start.

Reporter-Do you help him?
Mrs.Brown-I do my level best.

Reporter-Do you think he will sell the claim?
Mrs.Brown-No, he finds too much pleasure in working it himself.

Reporter-Can I see the nugget?
Mrs.Brown-Certainly.She brought the baby in for inspection. The embarrassed reporter departed veryfast.

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?'

Bearded Bed Wetter

This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed. The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her.He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed.

The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.

He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."

Who help them.........

A father with his curious son of seven years was walking on a calm road. Boy observed the sex of two dogs which had finally culminated in to locking and dragging them forward.

Boy being curious asks father, “Dad. What both the dogs are doing?

Dad is in trouble. He tells the boy, “My dear son, the dog who is on the top has fractured both his front legs. Hence the dog that is below him is helping him to take him to his home. Come-on do not look at them. Hurry up”

Boy replies, “Dad is it not surprising. That simply means like men, dogs also are ungrateful and fuck to the same, who try to help them out.”

In Line for Revenge (read still end)

This young lad is walking down the side walk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the young fella and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do.

"The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no.

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want!"

Since the young lad was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond me.

She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter' s bones, and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter' s, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"

No doubt about it!!!

Who enjoys sex more, the man or the woman?
The woman, of course.

Look at it this way.
When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it
and wiggle it around, what feels better -

your finger or your ear?

You can't

Boy is making fun of his girl friend and says to her in a poem, " Six plus three is nine, I can enter in you but you cant enter in mine".

Girl instantly replies, " Five plus four is also nine, I can measure your length but you can't depth of mine"

how 2 fool a boy

ladki- mom aaj mane apne friend ko khub ullu banaya bataun kaise ?
mom kaise ?
ladki- maine rupye sandel me chupaye the or wo 2 ghante tak meri bra me dundta raha

Qutub Minar

College me 1 ladaki ki pent ki chain khuli thi.
1 ladka jake bola, medamapake TAJMAHAL ka darvaja bandh kijiye....
kyoki hamara KUTUB MINAR hil raha hai......... .....

superman.....

Superman was feeling bored after a longday of crime fighting and wanted to go out and party, so he called Batman toask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls.

Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him.A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers.

Spiderman told him he had a date with Cat woman.As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman' s apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs open.

Superman thought to himself: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was happening". So Superman did his Super Thing in a split-second and flew off happily.

Mean while on the bed, Wonderwoman said: "Did you hear something?

"No" said the InvisibleMan, "but my a*s hurts like hell!!"

teacher:::-- -- make this sentence in this word '''hand'''
student ::--- my penis in your hand..
teacher ""-- slap him""
student ::-- sorry teacher pen ke bad space dena bhul gaya tha....

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

The Diff

Description of prostitute, wife & girlfriend in mobile language?
First one is prepaid, second is postpaid and the last one is democard.

Pure Hindustani

Suno gaur se pepsi walo,
Buri nazar na coke pe dalo,
Chahe jitna dew pila lo,
Sabse aage hoga NIMBU PANI!!
Hai na hum pure hindustani.. .

Nigah

Nasha jaruri hai zindagi k liye,
sirf sharab hi nahi hai bekhudi k liye,
kisi ki mast nigahon me doob ja ae dost,
bada hasi samundar hai khudkushi ke liye.

She should not ........

A boy is telling proudly to his close friend as to what he did with his girlfriend whom he took to a hotel room for three consequtive nights.

Boy to his friend "First day I took out her cloths waited for some time and we came back."

Friend asks him "Only this much? Why?

Boy Reples, " Because, She should not feel that I do not have courage to undress her.

Boy further tells his friend, " Second day, I undressed her and also undressed my self, and then we came back."

Friend again asked him, " Reallly? That's all?

Boy Replies. " Ya. Because, she should not feel that I can not control myself".

Boy further reports to his friend, "On third and last day, I undressed her, then I undressed myself, then I masterbetted myself and we came back immeditely."

Friend shockingly asks him " No sex with her at all? Why?"

Boy replies, "Ya. Because she should not feel that I can not manage with out her"

World's Smallest resignation letter

Respected sir,
I luv ur wife.
Yours sincerely.

Come let us ............

A ten year old girl rushes to her grandmother and asks her, “Can I be pregnant?"

Grandmother, "Are you fooling. You can not be pregnant. Go and play out side."

The girl then goes to grandfather and asks him the same question and the reply also is the same.The girl goes to her father with the same question and gets a slap on her face with a same reply.

Finally she goes to her mother and asks her, “Mama, Can I be pregnant?"Mama shouts at her “You madcap. You fool. You can not. Don't even think like that."

Girl comes out of her building to meet her twelve year old boy-friend and shouts at him, “See every body has confirmed that I can not be pregnant. There is nothing to worry. You always worry unnecessarily. Come let us ......."

Getting Divorced

Little Johnny was playing in his room when his dad walked in and explained that he and his mom were getting a divorce.

"Why Daddy?" asked a confused Little Johnny.

"Well, son" he explained, "Your mother and I are no longer in love."

Now more confused, Little Johnny asked, "What does being in love mean?"

"Let me give you an example, son. Love is when a husband rushes home from along day at work to embrace and kiss his wife at the door. Your mom and I have lost that love."

"But Daddy, I see Mommy getting excited lots of times right when you come home, so she must still be in love with you."

"I don't understand, son. When has your mother recently been excited whenI arrive home from work?"

"Well, sometimes when Mommy is still sleeping in bed with the neighbour and you pull into the driveway, she shouts at the top of her lungs, 'Myhusband's home! My husband's home!"

COMPLETE and FINISHED ?

Q: What is the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED ?
A: When You Marry a right Girl you You are Complete and when you Marry a wrong Girl You are Finished.

Dosti-Pyaar

Bolti hai dosti chup rehta hai pyaar.

Hasati hai dosti Rulata hai pyaar.

Milati hai dosti juda karta hai pyar.

Phir bhi kyon dosti chod kar log karte hain PYAAR.

A Woman and A Condom

Q: What is the resemblance between a woman and a condom?
A: They both fit around your dick and are present in your wallet.

Q: Why does a woman have two pair of lips?
A: One is for fighting and one is to make up..

Suhagrat ke time darvaze pe dastak hoti hai toh dulhan bhag k parde ke peeche chup jati hai.
Husband: Kya hua?
Dulhan: Mujhe laga police ki raid par gai.

Son kills a butterfly.
Dad: No butter for 2 weeks.
Son kills a honeybee.
Dad: No honey for 2 weeks.
Mom kills a cockroach.
Son: Dad u tell her or should I?

Man: Bless me God!
My son is drug addict,
my daughter is a call girl,
my wife is a gambler.
God: Is anything +ve in ur family?
Man: I’m HIV positive.

Unborn twins in the mother’s stomach saw a penis.
1st Baby: Dekh Papa aa rahe hai.
2nd: Abe stupid, ye pados wale uncle hai, papa kabhi raincoat nahi pehante.

Husband: Jee karta hai ki tumhari zulfon mein kho jaaon, tumhare aankhon mein bas jaaon, tumhari bahon mein jhool jaon.
Wife: Neeche kya mohalle wale ghusengey?

Send Men Immediately

A Lady Rector of a Ladies hostel was fond of using English language though she was not good in English.

She was also fond of using very small sentenses to communicate. Always in hurry she used to creat lots if funny situations.

Once the electricity of her ladies hostel went off at midnight that too during the examination season. She immediately contacted electricity board's complaints office over phone and placed instant demand saying. " Lights gone in our ladies hostel. Send Men immediately. Girls using candles."

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Stupid Redneck and Blonde jokes

There were 3 rednecks in New York City. One day while sightseeing they found a whorehouse. Excited, they entered the whorehouse like kids entering a toy store. The first redneck had $5.00, the second redneck had $10.00, and the third redneck had $15.00.

The first redneck approached the lady behind the desk and said " I got $5.00! What do I get for $5.00?"

The lady spoke over the intercom and said "Ginger-- take this gentleman upstairs and give him $5.00 worth!"

The first redneck came back downstairs grinning from ear to ear.

The other two rednecks said "Man, what did you get for $5.00?"

The first redneck explained that she took it out of his pants she put whipped cream all over it, then licked it all off.

This exited the 2nd redneck and he quickly approached the lady at the desk. He said "Okay, I have $10.00!What do I get for $10.00?"

The lady spoke over the intercom and said" Tasha, take this gentleman upstairs and give him $10.00 worth!"

The 2nd redneck came downstairs, grinning from ear to ear, as if he was on Cloud Nine.

The other two rednecks met him and asked" Man, what did you get for $10.00?"

The 2nd redneck explained she took it out of his pants, put whipped cream on it, nuts and chocolate topping and she licked it all off.

This excited the 3rd redneck, so he nervously approached the lady at the desk and said, "I have $15.00. What can I get for $15.00?"

The lady turned on the intercom again and said" Melissa, take this gentleman upstairs and give him $15.00 worth!"

The 3rd redneck came downstairs with a huge frown on his face, and on the brink of tears.

Curious, the other 2 rednecks asked, "Man, why are you so sad. What could've went wrong? You had $15.00?"

The 3rd redneck said, "Boys, she took it out of my pants, put whipped cream all over it. Then she put strawberries, pineapple topping, chocolate syrup,nuts and a big cherry on top! It looked so good I ate it myself."

This is Ultimate

Hi This is Ultimate.................I bet u can't stop laughing.
These are Girls profiles taken from shaadi.com These are actual ads on a matrimony site. Grammar and spelling errors have no place in a profile description as everything is straight from the heart!
Disclaimer : I am not responsible if you forget your basic grammar after reading this mail...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello To Viewers My Name is Sowmya , I am single i dont have male, If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good education but i working all field in bangalore .. if u ike me u welcome to my heart... when ever u whant to meet pls visit my residentor send u letter..
Thanks yours Regards
Sowmya ~*~(Truly yours)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i want very simple boy. from brahmin educated family from Orissa state she is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework (Wut Homework?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love. I am looking for my dream boy who will love me more than i. Because i love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on..........hold my hand forever !!!(The dilwale dulhaniya effect)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i am simple girl. I have lot of problem in my life because of my lucknow i am looking one boy he care me and love me lot lot lot(I don't know why but this is one of my favorites)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i want a boy with no drinks if he wants he can wear jeans in house but while steping out of house he should give recpect to our cast(by not wearing his jeans? Wat the hell...)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING GIRL,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A BOYTHEY ARE1. THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION3. THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH. (all of us are loughing {laughing})
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
whatever he may be but he should feel that he is going to be someonegroom and he must think of the future life if he is toolike this he would be called the man of the lamp(I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this girl wants)Infact she doesn ?t know wat she wants ?.. ? A LAMP ? ?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and Ilove the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok(I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person issuffering from "Ok-syndrome")
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
iam pranati my family histoy my two brother two sister and father &mother sister completely married(somebody please explain in comments section how to get married 'completely'?)( Confused ????? )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
my name is farhanbegum and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige mepleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes (height of desperation! J )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
iam kanandevi. i do owo businas.one sistar.he was marred.(No comments)(Plz ? for gods sake ask somebody ?s help in framing sentence )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
hello i am a good charactarised woman. i want to run my life happily.i divorced my first husband. his charactor is not good'. i expect thegood minded and clean habits boy who may be in the same caste or othercaste accepted ...(but credit cards not accepted..???)(Perhaps Debit Cards accepted ?.. Clean Habit s??????? Is thereanything like that.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am Sharmila my colour is black, but my heart is white. i like socialservice.(Zebra..???)(Gosh!!!!!!!! she knows her heart color)

Things you may not be knowing

1. Money isn't made out of paper, it is made out of cotton.


2. The 57 on a Heinz ketchup bottle represents the variety of pickles the Company once had.


3. Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.


4. The dot over the letter ' i' is called the title.


5. A duck's quack doesn't echo, no one knows why.


6. Fo rty percent of McDonald's profit comes from the sales of 'happy meals'.


7. Every person has a unique tongue print.


8. 315 entries in Websters 1996 dictionary were misspelled.


9. On an average, 12 newborns will be given to wrong parents daily.


10.During the famous chariot scene in "Ben Hur", a small red car can be seen at a distance.


11.Warren Beatty and Shirley Maclaine are brother and sister.


12.Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system. A few ounces will kill a small sized dog.


13.Most lipsticks contain fish scales.


14.Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.


15.Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as a medicine.


16.Leonardo Da vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.


17.There are no clocks in the Las Vegas gambling casinos.


18.There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.


19.A t iny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it go mad instantly and sting itself to death.


20.By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.


21.American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class.


22.Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.


23.The glue on Israeli postage stamp is certified kosher(ha lal) .


24.Guiness Book Of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.


25.Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages them

33 Facts about Guys...

33 Facts about Guyz *really very true...................


*Belive it or not.......
1. Guys don't actually look after good-looking girls. they prefer neat and presentable girls.

2. Guys hate flirts.

3.When a guy says he doesn't understand you, it simply means you're not thinking the way he is.

4. Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about
.

5. When a guy really likes you, he'll disregard all your bad characteristics.

6. Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.

7. Guys will do anything just to get the girl's attention.

8. When you touch a guy's heart, there's no turning back.

9. When a girl says "no", a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow". .... so true.

10. You have to tell a guy what you really want before he gets the message clearly.

11. Guys love their moms.

12. A guy would sacrifice his money for lunch just to get you a couple of roses.

13. A guy often thinks about the girl who likes him. But this doesn't mean that the guy likes her.

14. You can never understand him unless you listen to him.

15. If a guy tells you he loves you once in a lifetime. He does.

16. Beware. Guys can make gossips scatter through half of the face of the earth faster than girls can.

17. Like Eve, girls are guys' weaknesses.

18. Guys are very open about themselves.

19. It's good to test a guy first before you believe him. But don't let him wait that long.

20. Guys hate it when their clothes get dirty. Even a small dot.

21. Guys really admire girls that they like even if they're not that much pretty.

22. If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to
listen to him. You don't need to give advice ... very true.

23. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.

24. Guys cannot keep secrets that girls tell them.

25. Guys think too much.

26. Guys fantasies are unlimited.

27. Girls' height doesn't really matter to a guy but her weight does! ... very true.

28. Guys tend to get serious with their relationship and become too possessive.

29. Guys are more talkative than girls are especially when the topic is about girls.

30. You can truly say that a guy has good intentions if you see him praying sometimes.

31. If a guy says you're beautiful, that guy likes you.

32. Guys hate girls who overreact.

33. Guys love you more than you love them IF they are serious in your relationships.
Doesn't this all make sense?




Marriage quotes and facts - worth reading

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates


Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Henry Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

James Holt McGavran


"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."

Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Spoken English

In Tamilnadu, there is a well known person by name , Mr. Jeppier ,Chairman of Sathyabama deemed university and some more self financing colleges , always speaks in English. That college students have collected & published a book by name "Jappier's Spoken English"
.. Njoy ............ .with his......... . .....English. ......... .......
Now , here are some classic English sentences from the great "Jappier's Spoken English"

# At the ground:
------------ -----
All of you stand in a straight circle.
There is no wind in the balloon.
The girl with the mirror please comes her....{Means: girl with specs please come here).

# To a boy , angrily:
------------ ---------
I talk , he talk , why you middle middle talk?

# While punishing students:
------------ --------- --
You , rotate the ground four times...
You , go and understand the tree...
You three of you stand together separately.
Why are you late - say YES or NO .....(?)

# While addressing students about Dress Code: (he is very strict abt this )
------------ --------- --
Every body should wear dress to college
Boys no proplum
Girls are pig proplum . (pig=big)
Girls should wear only slawar no nitee.
Girls should not wear T sirt , U shirt , V shirt.. but if you want to wear .... remove it when inside the campus and put it oout side the campus

# Sir at his best:
------------ ---
Sir had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance , he happened to see one of our boys at the theatre , though the boy did no t see them.
So the next day at s school... (to that boy) - "Yesterday I saw you WITH MY WIFE at the Cinema Theatre"

# Sir at his best inside the Class room:
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force come in.
Cut an apple into two halves - I will take the bigger half.
Shhh...Quiet , boys...the principal JUST PASSED AWAY in the corridor
You , meet me behind the class. (Meaning AFTER the class..)
This one is cool >> "Both of u three get out of the class."
Close the doors of the windows please. I have winter in my nose today...
Take Copper Wire of any metal especially of Silver.....
Take 5 cm wire of any length....
Last but not the least some Jeppiar experiences ...

Once Sir had come late to a college function , by the time he reached ,the function had begun , so he went to the dais , and said , sorry I am late , because on the way my car hit 2 muttons (Meaning goats).

At Sathyabama college day 2002:
"This college strict u the worry no .... U get good marks , I the happy ,tomorrow u get good job , jpr the happy , tomorrow u marry I the enjoy"

At St. Josephs college of engineering fresh years day 2003:
"No ragging this college. Anybody rag we arrest the police "

VERY IMPORTANT: Enjoy this English, but don't forget your English!

Now enjoy this

1. What is the difference between cheating u r wife and cheating on the taxman?
If u get caught, the taxman still want to screw you.

2.One lady delivered twins, surprisingly one is boy & other is dog... How is it possible?
Her hubby is a hutch user... Wherever he goes his Network follows.

3.Dentist didn’t get erection on wedding night so he used finger.
Wife: What's this?
Nothing honey, just a temporary filling

4. Wife n Mobile:
1) Dono hi dusro ke achche lagte hai.
2) Dono hi naye achche lagte hai.
3) Dono ko hi raat bhar charge karna padta hai.

Mother: Do u know the meaning of Mangalsutra?
Daughter: Yes, it is the license to enjoy Kamasutra.

Muze mat maaro...

Wife : Ek baat bolu??

Husband : Bolo

Wife : Maaroge to nahi?

Husbund : Nahi to, kya baat hai?

Wife : mai pregnant hun

Husband : Hurray!!! Its gud news, dar kyu rahi thi??

Wife : College ke dino mai papa ko bataya tha to badi maar padi thi

Monday, June 2, 2008

Boys never change...

Girls Collage mai Strike ho gai,
Sabhi girls Nare Laga rahi hai,
Girls k satth Boys bhi unka satth de rahe hai,
Girls ne Nare lagate huye "HAMARI MANGE....,
Piche se Awaz aye,"SINDUR SE BHARO....".

Plane crash

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and Master Card this month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

Painful break up

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had dated two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."

Why she undergo a operation instead ???

A 45 -yr. old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital to have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God : "didn't recognize you at that time"

All Out of Anaesthetic

A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction forthe day was scheduled.

He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hardinto the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.

It all happened in an instant.

The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given,and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.

Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"

The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man those roots were really deep!"

A polish girl

A polish girl reports for her university final exam. The exam consists mainly of true or false questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares atthe question paper for five minutes and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin. She marks the answer sheet 'true' for heads and 'false' for tails.

With in thirty minutes she is all done, where as therest of the class is still working furiously.

During the next few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."