wife may

An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber.

There are a few moments of silence...then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says: 'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse ....'

man's will

A lawyer was reading a wealthy man's will to the people mentioned in it.

"To my wife Claire, who stood by me through the rough times as well as the good, I leave you the house, the cars and $5 million."

The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Sarah, who took care of me during my illness and kept my company going, I leave you the yacht, the business and $2 million."

The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Phil, who always hated me, argued with me, was envious of me, and thought I would never mention him in my will ... well, you're wrong. 'Hi, Phil!'"

How to say I love you in 100 languages

HOW TO SAY? I LOVE U

English - I love you
Afrikaans - Ek het jou lief
Albanian - Te dua
Arabic - Ana behibak (to male)
Arabic - Ana behibek (to female)
Armenian - Yes kez sirumem
Bambara - M'bi fe
Bengali - Ami tomake bhalobashi (pronounced: Amee toe-ma-kee bhalo-bashee)
Belarusian - Ya tabe kahayu
Bisaya - Nahigugma ako kanimo
Bulgarian - Obicham te
Cambodian - Soro lahn nhee ah
Catalan - T'estimo
Cherokee - Tsi ge yu i
Cheyenne - Ne mohotatse
Chichewa - Ndimakukonda
Chinese
Cantonese - Ngo oiy ney a
Mandarin - Wo ai ni
Comanche - U kamakutu nu
(pronounced oo----ka-ma- koo-too-- ---nu) -- Thx Tony
Corsican - Ti tengu caru (to male)
Cree - Kisakihitin
Creol - Mi aime jou
Croatian - Volim te
Czech - Miluji te
Danish - Jeg Elsker Dig
Dutch - Ik hou van jou
Elvish - Amin mela lle (from The Lord of The Rings, by J.R.R. Tolkien)
Esperanto - Mi amas vin
Estonian - Ma armastan sind
Ethiopian - Afgreki'
Faroese - Eg elski teg
Farsi - Doset daram
Filipino - Mahal kita
Finnish - Mina rakastan sinua
French - Je t'aime, Je t'adore
Frisian - Ik hald fan dy
Gaelic - Ta gra agam ort
Georgian - Mikvarhar
German - Ich liebe dich
Greek - S'agapo
Gujarati - Hoo thunay prem karoo choo
Hiligaynon - Palangga ko ikaw
Hawaiian - Aloha Au Ia `oe
Hebrew
To female - "ani ohev otach" (said by male) "ohevet Otach" (said by female)
To male - "ani ohev otcha" (said by male) "Ohevet ot'cha" (said by female)
Hiligaynon - Guina higugma ko ikaw
Hindi - Main Tumhe Pyar Karta hu
Hmong - Kuv hlub koj
Hopi - Nu' umi unangwa'ta
Hungarian - Szeretlek
Icelandic - Eg elska tig
Ilonggo - Palangga ko ikaw
Indonesian - Saya cinta padamu
Inuit - Negligevapse
Irish - Taim i' ngra leat
Italian - Ti amo
Japanese - Aishiteru or Anata ga daisuki desu
Kannada - Naanu ninna preetisuttene
Kapampangan - Kaluguran daka
Kiswahili - Nakupenda
Konkani - Tu magel moga cho
Korean - Sarang Heyo or Nanun tangshinul sarang hamnida
Latin - Te amo
Latvian - Es tevi miilu
Lebanese - Bahibak
Lithuanian - Tave myliu
Luxembourgeois - Ech hun dech gaer
Macedonian - Te Sakam
Malay - Saya cintakan mu / Aku cinta padamu
Malayalam - Njan Ninne Premikunnu
Maltese - Inhobbok
Marathi - Me tula prem karto
Mohawk - Kanbhik
Moroccan - Ana moajaba bik
Nahuatl - Ni mits neki
Navaho - Ayor anosh'ni
Ndebele - Niyakutanda
Norwegian
Bokmaal - Jeg elsker deg
Nyonrsk - Eg elskar deg
Pandacan - Syota na kita!!
Pangasinan - Inaru Taka
Papiamento - Mi ta stimabo
Persian - Doo-set daaram
Pig Latin - Iay ovlay ouyay
Polish - Kocham Ciebie
Portuguese - Eu te amo
Romanian - Te iubesc
Russian - Ya tebya liubliu
Scot Gaelic - Tha gra\dh agam ort
Serbian - Volim te
Setswana - Ke a go rata
Sign Language - ,\,,/ (represents position of fingers when signing 'I Love You')
Sindhi - Maa tokhe pyar kendo ahyan
Sioux - Techihhila
Slovak - Lu`bim ta
Slovenian - Ljubim te
Spanish - Te quiero / Te amo
Swahili - Ninapenda wewe
Swedish - Jag alskar dig
Swiss-German - Ich lieb Di
Surinam - Mi lobi joe
Tagalog - Mahal kita
Taiwanese - Wa ga ei li
Tahitian - Ua Here Vau Ia Oe
Tamil - Nan unnai kathalikaraen
Telugu - Nenu ninnu premistunnanu
Thai
To female - Phom rak khun
To male - Chan rak khun
Informal - Rak te
Tunisian - Ha eh bak
Turkish - Seni Seviyorum
Ukrainian - Ya tebe kahayu
Urdu - mai aap say pyaar karta hoo
Vietnamese
To female - Anh ye^u em
To male - Em ye^u anh
Welsh - 'Rwy'n dy garu di
Yiddish - Ikh hob dikh
Yoruba - Mo ni fe
Zazi - Ezhele hezdege
Zuni - Tom ho' ichema

Incredible Manmohan singh Believe me it is not vulgar

Bush, Manmohan, Aishwarya and Sonia are travelling in a train. The
train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there
is a kissing sound and then a slap!

The train comes out of the tunnel.

The women and Manmohan are sitting there looking perplexed. Bush is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap.

All of them
remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.

Sonia is thinking: These Americans are all crazy after Aishwarya. Bush must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.

Aishwarya is thinking: Bush must have tried to kiss me but kissed Sonia instead and got slapped.

Bush is thinking: Damn it. Manmohan must have tried to kiss
Aishwarya. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.

Manmohan is thinking: if this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap Bush again....

million dollar deal

One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6 am wake-up call.
The next morning, I awoke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30.

"Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call." Annoyed,

I let the hotel worker have it! "You were supposed to call me at 6 am! What if I had a million dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"

"Well, Sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million dollar deal to close, you probably wouldn't be staying in *this* motel."

raffle off

A Cajun named Paul Singh moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well then, just give me my money back."

"I can't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK then, just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with em."

"I'm gonna raffle him off."

"Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 apiece and made a profit of $898."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back.

Nations Assembly

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly that made the world community smile.

A representative from India began: 'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Rishi Kashyap of Kashmir, after whom Kashmir is named.

When he struck a rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath.'

He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.

When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Pakistani had stolen them.'

The Pakistani representative jumped up furiously and shouted, 'What are you talking about? The Pakistanis weren't there then.'

The Indian representative smiled and said, 'And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.'

And they say Kashmir belongs to them...............................................

Chicken story (mind blowing climax)

SUSPECT ULTIMATE

A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.

Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.

Young cock : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.

Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?

Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.

Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.

Young cock :O.K. What kind of competition?

Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.

Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.

Suddenly, Bang! ...... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !"

Generation Gap

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one !", the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.

"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, BPS, light-speed processing .... and..."

...pausing to take another drink of beer.... The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young, so we invented them. Now, you - arrogant little - what are you doing for the next generation?"

Sir! Can I help you

On our last venture out for Christmas shopping, we had bought a few gadgets for the younguns and then realized we didn't have any batteries.

I stepped over to the counter to get the batteries, but I couldn't attract any clerk's attention. I waited a while then said to son, "I'll get someone's attention. Stay right here." With that, I pulled out a tape measured.

I just happened to have with me, and started to "measure" one of those large screen plasma television sets. You know, the ones that go for about $4000.

Amazingly, a clerk almost leap-frogged over several pieces of furniture to reach my side.

"Sir! Can I help you?" he exclaimed.

"Yeah, you can. I'll take 8 of those batteries over there."

NASA verses USSR

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius.

The Russians used a pencil.

A BIG PROBLEM

Two guys were talking at work.

"I've got a problem," said the first one.

"What is it?""My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in- law apresent for her birthday, from the two of us. And, I am fresh out of ideas. I mean, it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?"

"What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked.

"Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot."

"Hmmmm, hard to top that one," said the other.The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday.When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, Thank you all for the wonderful gifts.

Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!"

Who Done it?

This is the story of three men buddies namely:
'Anybody' ,'Somebody' and 'Everybody'

their woman friend with pretty body called 'Nobody'.

Once all the three buddies entered her apartment. Nobody was lying on a bed in a nude condition.
Everybody raped her.
Somebody called the Police.
The Police thought that somebody must have raped her.
Everybody blamed Anybody.

To this, the woman cried," How can you name Anybody when the fact is that I was raped by Everybody?"

So Everybody was put into jail for raping nobody.

THE CURE

Finally, worried to death, he went to a psychiatrist.

"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.

"Come talk tome three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears. "

How much will that cost me?"

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.""I'll sleep on it," said Jerry.

Six months later the doctor met Cliff on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well.... Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! I found a bartender who cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And How, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!"

Explorers

Three explorers were in the deepest darkest jungles of Africa And were captured by a pigmy tribe. The tribe brings them Before the chief, who declares that the explorers were Tracking across secret hunting grounds, and the penalty was death.

One explorer asks the chief if they are to die.Could they chose the way they wanted to go. After much consideration, the chief agreed.

The first explorer loved to eat And wanted to eat himself to death.The tribe puts him in a hut with 10,000 lbs of food And two guards outside the door to make sure he doesn't escape.

The second explorer loved to drink And wanted to drink himself to death. Again, the tribe puts him in a hut with10,000 gals of booze, and two guards outside The door to make sure he doesn't escape.

The third explored loved to screw women. This took a little time, as the tribe had To construct a large hut and collect 10,000Naked women. They finally got it all together Placed the explorer in the hut with 10,000 naked women And two guards outside the hut to make sure he didn't escape.

Time rolled by, and about 3 months later the chief Remembered that he had to see how the punishment Of the three explorers turned out.

He went to the first hut, and found the man had Ate so much he exploded. He had the two guards Clean up the mess and dismissed them.

In the second hut, the explorer drank so much He puked his guts out. The chief had the two guards Clean up the mess, and dismissed them.

You'd never guess what the chief found in the third hut...

10,000 pregnant women two guards outside the door with red asses And the explorer jacking off in the corner!

HOW WAS YOUR STAY?

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington.The bride is concerned, "What if the place is still bugged?"

The groom says "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind thedrapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally, he says,"AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He getshis Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them andthe disc out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds"How was your room? How was the service? How was your stayat the Watergate Hotel?"

The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"

The hotel manager says, "Well, the room under yours complained of thechandelier falling on them."

Honesty

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest besideher, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive! Electronic hair dryer that is well over theCustoms limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you couldcarry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The officialasked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have todeclare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but whichis, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father - - Next!"

Grandma's birth control pills:

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman formost of her life finally retired.

At her next check up, the new doctor told her to bring a listof all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grewwide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills."Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"

"Yes, they help me to sleep at night.""Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING inthese that could possibly help you sleep!

"She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee."Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks...... .And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

"You gotta love Grandmas!"

Parent style

After 48 years of marriage, an elderly Gujrati man in Bombay calls his sonin New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell youthat your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of misery is enough!"
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We'resick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call yoursister in Hong Kong and tell her!"
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heckthey're getting divorced," she shouts, I'll take care of this."
She calls Bombay immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are notgetting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling mybrother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do athing, DO YOU HEAR??" and she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "It'sall set. They're both coming for Diwali and paying their own airfare!!"