Monday, March 31, 2008

WIFE

Three friends, one Bengali, one Punjabi and one Tamil were travelling intrain. After discussing many more things - one of the friends asked, " Nowplease let us discuss - What is the meaning of WIFE ?"
First turn to tell the meaning of wife was Bengali. The Bengali started,"Wife is like a book. Read it, read it; when you fed up keep aside it."
Next turn was of Tamilian. The Tamilian started, "Wife is like a rose. Smellit, smell it; when you fed up. through it".
Third and last turn was of Punjabi, "Wife is like a casette. Listen it, listenit; when you fed up, reverse it".

Get Even, Not Angry

A Repentant Husband apologized to wife, "Honey, I got mad at you a lot,but you a Goddess of Calm, never returned my verbal blows.How do you control your rage towards me?"

Wife replied, "I start cleaning the toilet when you get mad. It helps mesoothe down."

Overwhelmed husband asked, "Perhaps flowing cold water, Is it?"

Wife replied, "No, cleaning the toilet with your toothbrush."

Beggars of today

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him Rs.10 and that Continues for a year. Then suddenly thedaily donation changes to Rs. 7.5
"Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better thannothing."
A year passes in this way until the man's dailydonation suddenly becomes Rs. 5.
"What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor."First you give me Rs. 10 every day, then Rs. 7,50 andnow only Rs. 5. What's the problem?"
"Well," the man says, "last year my eldest son went touniversity. It's very expensive, so I had to cutcosts. This year my eldest daughter also went touniversity, so I had to cut my expenses even further."
"And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks.
"Four," the man replies.
"Well," says the beggar, "I hope you don't plan toeducate them all at my expense."

THE BAT

Avampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood, andparkedhimself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and startedhassling him aboutwhere he got it. He told them to leave him alone andlet him get some sleep.However, they persisted until he finallygave in. "Okay, follow me," he said ashe flapped out of the cave withhundreds of bats behind him.Down through a valley they went,across a river and into a forest of trees.Finally he slowed and allthe other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!" all theother bats screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," shouted the blood soaked bat, "because I didn't!"

Smart Investing

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought adonkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmeragreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorryson, but I have some bad news, the donkey died lastnight."
Kenny replied: "Well then, just give me my moneyback."
The farmer said: "Can't do that. I went and spent italready."
Kenny said: "OK then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked: "What you gonna to do with him?"Kenny: "

I'm going to raffle him off." (Note: Toraffle is to sell a thing by lottery - draw lot -! toa group of people each paying the same amount for aticket)
Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tellanybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked,"
What happened with that dead donkey?"Kenny: "
I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at twodollars apiece and made a profit of $998.00."
Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"Kenny: "
Just the guy who won. So I gave him back histwo dollars."

Sunday, March 30, 2008

roses

One day the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her cleavage.
She asked, "Can anyone tell me what roses drink? How about you, Johnny?
""Milk!" answered Little Johnny.
"No, I'm sorry. That's the wrong answer.
Roses drink water," explained theteacher.
"Wow!" Johnny exclaimed. "I didn't know the stem was that long!"

HOW OLD AM I?

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Iwant you to give me 12-year scotch, and don`t try tofool me because I can tell the difference."
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trickthe man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip,scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-yearscotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."
The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. Theman takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, Idon`t want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me12-year scotch!"
Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, theman takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that`s the realthing."
A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watchingall this with great interest. He stumbles over andsets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey,I think that`s really far out what you can do. Trythis one."
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out theliquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes likepiss!"
The drunk`s eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now howold am I?"

Grass Sandwich

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden todance.
While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America,we call this a hug".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we callthis a kiss".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on thecampus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we callthis a grass sandwich".
She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually putmore meat in it."

Preacher`s Salary

The Preacher explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that willpay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him toleave.
oe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City, stands up andproclaims, "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac everyyear and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If thePreacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish afoundation to guarantee the college education of his children!"
More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with asmile, "If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex."
There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whateverpossessed you to say that?"
Sadie's 90 year old husband, Jake, is now trying to hide, holding his foreheadwith the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wifereplies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screwthe Preacher'."

hostages

A man robs a bank and takes hostages.
He asks the first hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank".
The hostage answers "yes". The robber, promptly, shoots him in the head.
Then he asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank.
The hostage answers, "no, but my wife did".

Why Wedding Dress is always WHITE...?

Son asked his mother:"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies,"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that yourbride is pure.
"The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-checkthis with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
"Son, all household appliances come in white."

Guess Who?

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding manstanding at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pinkenvelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle andstarts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and askshim what he's doing.
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."

The Magician and the Parrot

A young magician started to work on a cruise ship with his pet parrot. Theparrot would always ruin his act by saying things like, “He has a card up hissleeve” or “He has a dove in his pocket.”
One day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot found themselves alone ona lifeboat.
For a couple of days, they just sat there looking at each other. Finally, theparrot broke the silence and said, “Okay, I give up. What did you do with theship?”

Marriage...

A man and a woman, who had never met before, foundthemselves assigned to the same sleeping room on atranscontinental train. Though initially embarrassedand uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired andfell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she inthe lower.
At 2:00 AM, he leaned over and gently wakes the woman,saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would yoube kind enough to reach into the closet to get me asecond blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just fortonight, why don't we pretend that we're married?"
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he is excited.
And she said
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Then get up and take it yourself"!!

Saturday, March 29, 2008

A Kamonologist from India

A Great Kamologist from India thus said, "So that you know well my son those70 ways to make a woman happy for sex, I will reiterate, 1 is to take herout for shopping and the rest is 69."

Good bye, Mom ...

It looks like a sad story...but do continue reading to theend!.....It?s a lesson to learn..................
I was walking through the supermarket to pick up a few things when Inoticed an old lady following me around. Thinking nothing of it, Iignored her and continued on. Finally I went to the checkout line, butshe got in front of me.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feeluncomfortable. It's just that you look like my son, who just diedrecently."
"I'm very sorry," I said to her, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mom?' It wouldmake me feel so much better."
"Sure," I said. An odd request, but no harm would come of it.
As the old woman was leaving, I called out, "Good Bye, Mom!"
As I stepped up to the checkout counter, I saw that my total was$1027.50.
"How can that be?"
I asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

A Rabbi, A Hindu and A Lawyer

A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the countrywhen their car suddenly expired. They set out to find help, and came to afarmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he hadonly two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with theanimals. The three quickly agreed.
The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have thebeds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroomdoor. The Rabbi entered exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is apig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with apig!"
The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problemwith pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through thebedroom door saying, "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the sameroom as a cow! It's against my religion!"The lawyer, anxious to get tosleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals.

In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cowentered...

Sexual Moaning

Shane comes home and finds his wife Rita crying.
She says, "I found out from Mrs. Smith that you're having an affair with yoursecretary. Why would you do that to me? I've always been a good wife...I'vecooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side fortwenty years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"
Shane says, "It's true, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You makeme happy in all ways but one. You never moan when we have sex.
"Rita says, "If I moaned when we have sex, you'd stop running around? All right,come to the bedroom so I can show you that I can moan during sex.
"They go to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb in bed. As they start kissing,she says, "Now, Shane? Should I moan now?"
He says, "No, not yet.
"He starts fondling her, and she says, "What about now? Should I moan now?
"He says, "No, I'll tell you when.
"He climbs on top of her and starts banging her.
She says, "Is it time for me to moan now,?" He says, "Wait, wait...I'll tell you when.
"A few minutes later, just seconds before he's going to climax, he says, "Now,Moan. Moan...
"She says, "Oye, you wouldn't believe what a day I had..."

Naughty SMS

Girl to another: Kal sapne me mujhe koi chakku se mar raha tha
.2nd Girl: Tu dar mat agar sapne sach hote to mujhe roj ABBORTION karana padta...
*.*.*.•
If your boss says: Nothing is impossible, ask him to wear a condom after sex.
*.*.*.*•
Fact of life: When a girl attains maturity, she wants to wear a bra... When aboy attains maturity, he wants to remove that bra.....
*.*.*.*•
Teacher: Jimmedari kya hoti hai ?
Student: Madam agar apke blouse k 4 batton me se 3 tut jaye to 4th pe jo aatihai, usko jimmedari kehte hai.
*.*.*.*.*•
Luv is not measured by Hugging, Kissing & sex. It's all about TrustingRespecting & Accepting a person with open legs, closed eyes & wet lips sayingPush it more.
*.*.*.*.•
Lady: What is a good time for Sex?
Doctor: In the afternon between 2 to 4.
Lady: Why ?Dr: The compounder will not be here...
*.*.*.*.*•
Mother found a condom in daughter's cupboard. She went straight to her nasked:
What is this?
Girl: To aap kya chahti hain, main is umar mein Maa ban jaaun?!
*.*.*.*.*•
Playboy has started a special edition for Married men. The same woman is featured every month.
*.*.*.*.*•
Sex is evilEvil is sinSin is forgivenSo let's begin.
*.*.*.*•
Boy: How much Calcium is there in women's BREAST?
Gril: Enough to help a Man's boneless thing stand up.

Old AGE !.....

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling a sleep, butthe wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.
She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting.
"Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back tosleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me.
"Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settleddown to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said. "Then you use to bite my neck.
"Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going ?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"

Pet Shop

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a monkey.
The shop owner points to 3 identical looking monkeys on a perch and says the monkey on the left cost $ 500.00,
Why does that one cost so much? asked the shopper.
The owner says well the monkey knows how to use a computer.
The man then asks about the next monkey and was told that this one cost $1000.00 because it can do everything the other monkey can do plus he knows the Unix operating system.
Naturally the increasingly startled man asks about the third monkey to be told that it costs $ 2000.00 .
Needles to say this begs the question.
What can it do?
To which the owner replies:"To be honest I have never seen him do a thing but the other two call him BOSS"

Friday, March 28, 2008

saving up for 75 years

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon weddingwhere the groom was 95 years old and the bride was 23. The groomlooked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding nightmight kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious youngwoman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the mainstaircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop inthe hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happenedto you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,"Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and Ithought he meant his money!!"

hey're finally together

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.

A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years hasanother 22 children with her second husband.After the last child is born her second husband also dies.Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time.

Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies inher coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,"At least, they're finally together.

"A man standing next to the priest asks,"Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband,or Maria and her second husband?

"The priest says, "I mean her legs."

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School.Usually she slept through the class. One day theteacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tellme, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn'tstir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in thechair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in therear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teachersaid, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is ourLord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from herslumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue andstuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary andthe teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back tosleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question,''What did Eve say to Adam after she had hertwenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed herwith the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted,''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time,I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

Smart Boy

Maths Teacher: If you have 12 Chocolates and you give
2 to Priya
5 to Geeta
4 to Neetu

Then what will you get?
Scroll down to see the answer !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Student: 3 Girlfriends Mam !!!!!

American

There were 4 men, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appears.
Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, 'Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jumped, you must shout what you want the pool of water to become, the your wish will come true.'

The French wanted to start. He run towards the pool, jumped and shouted 'WINE'. The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, 'VODKA' and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, 'BEER'. He was so contented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and cursed, 'SHIT!'

Police Emergency

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

pop of flop

Sexually dysfunctional Sam and unsupportive Sharmi a middle aged disgruntledcouple were playing all spousal trickeries to command submissiveness ofeach other. So Sam took a suitcase and started packing it.
Angry Sharmi asked, "Where the hell you think you are going?"
Sam said, "I am flying to Fiji Island. My close to heart friends tell mesexy women on the Beach there will allure me with their nudity and then theywill give hundred dollars for a POP with my ROCK. I will be Satisfied andRich."
Sharmi started quickly packing herself. Sam asked, "And where do you thinkyou are going. I can't have you with me when I am with other women."
Sam said, "Ya.., I want to see which bitch gives you hundred dollars a Popof Flop and feed you there too."

how can ?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take "coffee breaks?"

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

NEVER LIE TO A WOMAN!!

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishingup in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get thatPromotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a weekand set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swingby the house to pick my things up"
"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, didexactly what her husband asked.The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But whydidn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"
You'll love the answer....
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The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."

'Stock' Market

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs10.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at Rs10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He further announced that he would now buy at Rs20.
This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.
The offer rate increased to Rs25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs50!
However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected.
I will sell them to you at Rs35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs50.
' The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!! !

Welcome to the 'Stock' Market!!!!!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Amazing 51 Facts

Amazing 51 Facts -

People who ride on roller coaters have a higher chance of having a blood clot in the brain.

Black bears are not always black they can be brown, cinnamon, yellow and sometimes white.

People with blue eyes see better in dark.
Each year 30,000 people are seriously injured by exercise equipment.

The placement of a donkey's eyes in its head enables it to see all four feet.

The sun is 330330 times larger than the earth.

The cow gives nearly 200000 glass of milk in her lifetime.

There are more female than male millionaires in the U.S.A. A male baboon can kill a leopard.

When a person dies, hearing is usually the first sense to go.
Bill gates house was designed using Macintosh computer.

Nearly 22,000 cheques will be deducted from the wrong account over the next hour.

Almost all varieties of breakfast cereals are made from grass.

Some lions mates over 50 times a day.

American did not commonly use forks until after the civil war.

The most productive day of the week is Tuesday.

In the 1930's America track star Jesse Owens used to race against horses and dogs to earn a living.

There's a great mushroom in Oregon that is 2,400 years old. Covers 3.4 square miles of land and is still growing.

Jimmy Carter is the first U.S.A. president to have born in hospital.

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

Cleopatra married two of her brothers.

Human birth control pill work on gorillas.

The right lung takes in more air than the left.

It is illegal to own a red car in shanghai china.

A hard-boiled egg will spin. An uncooked or soft-boiled egg will not.

Astronauts cannot burp in space.

The snowiest city in the U.S.A. is blue canyon, California Lake Nicaragua in Nicaragua is the only fresh water lake in the world that has sharks.

Kite flying is a professional sport in Thailand.

The great warrior Genghis khan died in bed while having $ex.

No matter how cold it gets gasoline will not freeze.

SNAILS have 14175 teeth laid along 135 rows on their tongue. A BUTTERFLY has 12,000 eyes.

DOLPHINS sleep with 1 eye open.

A BLUE WHALE can eat as much as 3 tones of food everyday, but at the same time can live without food for 6 months.

The EARTH has over 12,00,000 species of animals, 3,00,000 species of plants & 1,00,000 other species.

The fierce DINOSAUR was TYRANNOSAURS which has sixty long & sharp teeth, used to attack & eat other dinosaurs.

DEMETRIO was a mammal like REPTILE with a snail on its back. This acted as a radiator to cool the body of the animal.

CASSOWARY is one of the dangerous BIRD, that can kill a man or animal by tearing off with its dagger like claw.

The SWAN has over 25,000 feathers in its body.

OSTRICH eats pebbles to help digestion by grinding up the ingested food.

POLAR BEAR can look clumsy & slow but during chase on ice, can reach 25 miles / hr of speed.

KIWIS are the only birds, which hunt by sense of smell.

ELEPHANT teeth can weigh as much as 9 pounds.

OWL is the only bird, which can rotate its head to 270 degrees.

In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

The c!garette lighter was invented before the match.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

Tapeworms range in size from about 0.04 inch to more than 50 feet in length.

German Shepherds bite humans more than any other breed of dog.

A female mackerel lays about 500,000 eggs at one time.

Read the last line........ sweet letter

Hi,
This is a love letter from a boy to a girl. However the girl'sfather does not like him and want to stop their relationship. So the boy wrote the letter to the girl. He knows that the girl's father will definitely read this letter.

"The great love that I have for you is gone and I find my dislike for yougrows everyday. When I see you,I do not even like your face; the one thing that I want to do is tolook at other girls. I never wanted tomarry you. Our last conversationwas very boring and has notmade me look forward to seeing you again.You only think of yourself. If we were married, I know I would findlife very difficult and I would have nopleasure in living with you. I have a heartto give, but it is not something thatI want to give to you. No one is morefoolish and selfish than you, and you are notable to care for me and help me.I sincerely want you to understand thatI speak the truth. You will do me a favorif you think this is the end. Do not tryto answer this. Your letters are full ofthings that do not interest me. You have notrue love for me. Good-bye! Believe me,I do not care for you. Please do not think thatI am still your boyfriend."

So bad!! But before handing over the letter to his sweetheart,
the guy called the girl to read only the ODD no. lines
i.e. 1,3,5,7,......,25.
So go through it again and you will find it smart
and sweet …….

Why India is in trouble?

Why INDIA is in trouble?

Population: 100 crore

9 crore retired

30 crore in state Govt

17 crore in central Govt (Both Category don't work)

1 crore IT professional (don't work for India)

25 crore in school

1 crore r under 5 years

15 crore unemployed

1.2 crore u can find anytime in hospitals Statistics says u find 79,99,998 people anytime in jail The Balance two are U & Me. U are busy " checking Mails /sending fwds.. "..!!


HOW CAN I HANDLE INDIA alone?

JUST IT life


















Gujarati Funeral ...

Funeral ...

A family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother (Ba) arrived from the US . It was sent by one of the daughters.
The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters:
Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Smitaben and Varsha,
I am sending Ba's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT .
Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.
You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, cans of cheese,
10 packets of Tobler chocolates and 8 packets of Badam (peanuts) please divide these among all of you.
On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.
Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan.
Just distribute the rest among yourselves.
The 2 new Jeans that Ba is wearing are for the boys.
The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba's left wrist.
Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her.
The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my nephews.
Please distribute all these fairly.
PS : If anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well now a days..

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Women are dangerous

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. 'I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce .'
The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph .
The husband speaks again. 'I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,' he says , ' because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are .'
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. 'I want the house,' he says insistently .
Up to 80 kmph.
' I want the car, too,' he continues .
Kmph 85.
'And,' he says, 'I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat !'
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her , ' Isn't there anything you want ?
'The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
' No, I've got everything I need,' she says .
' Oh, really,' he inquires, 'so what have you got ?
Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, The wife turns to him and smiles. 'The airbag .'

Moral of the Story : Women are dangerous !!!! Don't mess with them !!!!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

just one

Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman,"Isn'tthat Bush and Vajpayee?"
The barman says "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Hello,what are you guys doing?"
Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."
And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"
Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you no-one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!"

******************************************************************

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and
saving the girl's life.A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".

The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker!"
Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning:
"Brave American saves life of little girl" the policeman answers.
"But I am not an American!" - says the man. Oh, what are you then?"
The man says: "I am a Pakistani!"
The next day the newspapers say: "Extremist kills innocent American dog".

funny love letter!

Dearest,
You are my TVS SCOOTY (First Love) and also my AIWA(PURE PASSION). I always BPL (Believe in best) and you are SANSUI (Better than best). You are MC DOWEL'S (Mera number one) love LA O PALA(Made for one). I believe in FRESHIYA (Gorepan se jyade khoobsurti ka wada) and you are one of the most Beautiful in this world ! think of you day and night when you give me one and only ! Smile you are DOMINO'S PIZZA (Delivering a Million of smile per day) for me. This is COLGATE ENERGY GEL (Seriously fresh) feeling for me.

I would like, you should be my life partner I think you are worry abut your Father who is KAWASAKI BAJAJ CALIBER (The unshakeable) and also think of my Father who is CEAT (Born tough) but don't worry I am also FORD ICON (The Josh Machine) and rest of our family
members are KELVINATOR (The coolest one) If they will say no we will run away and marry and PHILIPS(Lets make think better) They will feel MIRINDA (Jor ka jatka dhire se laghe) and we Coca Cola (Jo chahe ho Jaye Coca cola enjoy)

Trust in God who's always NOKIA (Connecting people) those who love each other. And we are Wills (Made for each Other). After some time our love will be SAMSUNG DIGITALL (Invited by all) We are HERO HONDA (Leading the way) of our love life. Then our life is BOLERO (Beak free).

Now HUNDAI (we are listening) the song of love you must know that love is DAIRY MILK (The real test of life) SATYAM ON LINE (Fun fast easy) , PARX (always comfortable) and also AMUL (The real taste of India) for me life is HOME TRADE (Life means more) So never forget me.

OK bye! I wrote little but PEPSI (Ye dil mange More)

LG
[Digitally yours]

Ramayana by Bill Gates

When Bill Gates was in India , he had a chance 2 listen
Ramayana from Atal Behari Vajpayee. After returning 2
US he wrote it in his personal Diary. A Tabloid in US
got a copy of his writings.These are excerpts from his
diary.

Ramayana by Bill Gates.

LAN, LAN ago, in the SYSTEM of I/O-dhya,there ruled a PROCESSOR named DOS-rat. Once he EXECUTED a great sacrifice PROGRAM after which his queens gave an OUTPUT of four SUNs--RAM, LSIman,BUG-rat and SED-rughana. RAM the eldest was a MICROCHIP with excellent MEMORY. His brothers,however, were only PERIPHERAL ICs. Once when RAM was only 16MB, he married princess 'C'ta. 12years passed and DOS-rat decided to INSTAL RAM as his successor. However, Queen CIE/CAE (Kayegayee), who was once offered a boon by DOS-rat for a life saving HELP COMMAND, took this opportunity at the instigation of her BIOSed maid (a real plotter), and insisted that her son Bug-rat be INSTALLED and that RAM be BOOTED to the forest for 14
years. At this cruel and unexpected demand, a SURGE passed thru DOS-rat and, he collapsed,power-less. RAM
agreed to LOG INTO forest and 'C'ta insisted to LOGIN with him. LSI-man was also resolved on LOGGING IN with his brother.
The forest was the dwelling of
SPARCnakha, the TRANSISTOR of RAW-van, PROCESSOR of LAN- ka. Attracted by RAM's stature, she proposed that he marry her. RAM, politely declined. Perceiving 'C'ta to be the SOURCE CODE of her distress, she hastened to kill her. Weeping,SPARC-nakha fled to LAN-ka, where RAW-van, moved by TRANSISTOR's plight,approached his uncle MAR-icha. MAR-icha REPROGRAMED himself into the form of a golden stag and drew RAM deep into forest.

Finally, tired of chase, RAM shot the deer, who,with
his last breath, cried out desperately for LSI-man in RAM's voice.Fooled by this VIRTUAL RAM SOUND,'C'ta urged LSI-man to his brother's aid. Catching the opportunity,RAW-van DELINKED 'C'ta from her LIBRAR and changed her ROOT DIRECTORY to LAN-ka.

-----------------------------------------------------
INTERVAL

-----------------------------------------------------
RAM and LSI-man started SEARCHING for the missing 'C'ta all over the forest. They made friendship with the forest SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR SU-greev and his powerful co-processor Ha-NEUMAN. SU-greev agreed to help RAM.SU-greev ordered his PROGRAMMERS to use powerful

Read it & enjoy a lot.....


January to December
Sunday to Saturday
Am to Pm
My feelings for u have never changed.......
u....
R....
always....
a HEADACHE to me !!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

When u feel lonely and alone & cannot see any one around you, the world
seems to be fading away,
come along with me i'll take u an eye specialist !!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

If marriages are made in heaven , then what are made in Hell?
Ans : the days after marriage

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


During Marriage ceremony why are you made to sit on the horse ?
You are given your last chance to run away.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


Just close ur eyes and think of urself for 10 seconds......
Open ur eyes !
Now you will realize that u have wasted 10 sec in thinking of a
fool............

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


I wrote ur name on the sands.............
it got washed away,
I wrote ur name in air..........................
it got blown away,
So i wrote ur name in my heart.............

i got a HEART ATTACK

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


LOVE is like a CIGAR
It starts with a fire..... continues with smoke.....and ends in ashes...
But dont worry - we are chain smokers

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


ur smile can be compared to a flower
ur voice can be compared to a cuckoo
ur inocence to a child
but in stupidity
u have no comparison
u r the best

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

True love is like a pillow
u can hug when u r in trouble
u can cry on when u r in pain & u can embrace when u r happy
so when u need true love
spend Rs.50/-Buy a pillow

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Dear Friend,

when i ask u flower,
u give me bouquet
when i ask u a stone
u give me a statue
when i ask u a feather
u give me peacock

ARE U REALLY DEAF ?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I had VODKA with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I had WHISKY with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I had RUM with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I SWEAR I'LL NEVER DRINK water....!!!


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

when i call u;
1 ring means i'm thinking of u;
2 ring means i like u;
3 means i miss u;
4 means .........pick d phone idiot

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


Teacher : four beautiful ladies r walking on the road. change it to
exclamatory sentence ...
Student : WOW !

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


The human brain is most outstanding thing.......
it functions 24hrs 365 days.....
it functions right from the time u r Born.... until you fall in love

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


SMILE - is a language of love
SMILE - is a source to win hearts...
SMILE - creates greatness in ur personality
SO....
Brush ur Teeth today onwards

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


A cigarette shortens your life by 2 min..
A beer shortens your life by 4 min..
A working day shortens your life by 8 hours!!!!..

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


History Teacher : From where to where did the mughals rule ?
Student : sir, i am not sure but think from page 15 to 26 sir....


Teacher : U failure ! @ ur age Bill gates stood first in the class
Student : Mind u, Sir, but @ ur age hitler had commited suicide

Future husbands..

Where is the money?


Show me ur Pockets


I ll not give the money...... She spends all of my salary.....Booohoooo!!!




Give me way..... I am going for shopping.



Thanks Sweetheart...........bye :)





sardarji jokes

Interviewer: what is your birth date?

Sardar: 13th October
Which year?
Sardar: Oye ullu ke pathe _ _ _ EVERY YEAR
Manager asked to sardar at an interview
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Sardar replyed: -P-O-S-T-B-O- X.

Teacher to Sardar: Write your best friend's name in English.
Sardar wrote: ' Beautiful Red Underware'
Teacher: What?
Sardar: His name is Sundar Lal Chaddi
After returning back from a foreign trip, sardar asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Sardar: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?
One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Sardar: Any great man born in this village???
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!
Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi
So Sardar writes, "Gandi was a great man, but I don't know who is Jayanthi.
Sardar was doing experiment with cockroach, first he cut it's one leg and told WALK. WALK. Cockroach walked.
Then he cut it's second leg and told the same. Cockroach walked. Then cut the third leg and did the same. At last he
cut it's fourth leg and ordered it walk! But cockroach didn't walk. Suddenly sardar said loudly, "I found it. If we cut
cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf.
When sardar was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver adjusted mirror. Sardar shouted, "You are trying to see
my wife? Sit back. I will drive.
Sardar went in a hotel. To wash hands he went to the washbasin. There he started washing the basin. Seeing this, the
manager asked what was he doing. Sardar pointed towards the board "WASH BASIN"
Interviewer: just imagine your in 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape?
Sardar: its simple. I will stop my imagination! !!

T-Shirts for Software people

T-Shirts for Software people







Value of parents...

An 80 year old man was sitting on the sofa in his house along with his 45 years old highly educated son. Suddenly a crow perched on their window. The Father asked his Son, "What is this?" The Son replied "It is a crow". After a few minutes, the Father asked his Son the 2nd time, "What is this?" The Son said "Father, I have just now told you "It's a crow". After a little while, the old Father again asked his Son the 3rd time, What is this?" At this time some ex-pression of irritation was felt in the Son's tone when he said to his Father with a rebuff. "It's a crow, a crow". A little after, the Father again asked his Son t he 4th time, "What is this?" This time the Son shouted at his Father, "Why do you keep asking me the same question again and again, although I have told you so many times 'IT IS A CROW'. Are you not able to understand this?" A little later the Father went to his room and came back with an old tattered diary, which he had maintained since his Son was born. On opening a page, he asked his Son to read that page. When the son read it, the following words were written in the diary :- "Today my little son aged three was sitting with me on the sofa, when a crow was sitting on the window. My Son asked me 23 times what it was, and I replied to him all 23 times that it was a Crow. I hugged him lovingly each time h e asked me the same question again and again for 23 times. I did not at all feel irritated I rather felt affection for my innocent child". While the little child asked him 23 times "What is this", the Father had felt no irritation in replying to the same question all 23 times and when today the Father asked his Son the same question just 4 times, the Son felt irritated and annoyed.
So.. If your parents attain old age, do not repulse them or look at them as a burden, but speak to them a gracious word, be cool, obedient, humble and kind to them. Be considerate to your parents.From today say this aloud, "I want to see my parentshappy forever. They have cared for me ever since I was a little child. They have always showered their selfless love on me.
They crossed all mountains and valleys without seeing the storm and heat to make me a person presentable in the society today". Say a prayer to God, "I will serve my old parents in the BEST way. I will say all good and kind words to my dear parents, no matter how they behave.

Smart.. good one.. Ultimate !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too
many people and not enough refreshments. She was sure that not all of
these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones
were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea....


He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the
brides side of the family stand up please?" about twenty people stood.


Then he asked " Will those who are from the groom side of the family
stand up as well?" about twenty five people stood up.


The He smiled and said


-


-


-



"Will all those who stood please leave, This is a birthday party.

Gals are impossible to please

If you are well dressed,
She thinks you are play boy.
If you are not,
She thinks you are a begger.

If you kiss her,
She thinks you are not a gentleman.
If you dont,
She thinks you are not a man.

If you praise her,
She thinks you are a lier.
If you dont she thinks,
You are good for nothing.

If you visit her often,
She thinks you are boring.
If you dont she accuses,
You for double crossing.

If you visit another girl,
She accuses you for being cheat.
If she is visited by another guy,
She says oh..! its natural! we are girls..!

If you propose love within a brief time,
You are a freash guy.
If you propose love later,
She wonders why

If you are jealous,
She says its bad.
If your not she doubts,
Your love and is not glad.

If you attempt romance,.
She thinks you dont respect her.
If you dont,
She thinks you dont like her.

If you listen,
She wants to talk .
If you wanna talk,
She also wants to talk.

Oh women..! you are soo simple, Yet soo complex.
You are soo weak,
Yet soo powerful..
Your soo confusing,
Yet soo desirable..

Men and Women




TIT FOR TAT

A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone.
After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her, "Er... Excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"
She responds in a loud voice : " NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them.
The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table. After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
The young man responds loudly with, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIVE THOUSAND RUPEES. THATS TOO MUCH

Bihar Driving License

DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
NOTE: Please do not shoot the person at the applikason kounter. He will give you the licen. For phurthar instructions, see bottom applikason.

1. Last name:
(_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dot no (Check karet box)

2. First name:
(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dot no (Check karet box)

3. Age:
(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dot no (Check karet box)

4. Sex:
____ M _____ P(F) _____ not sure _____not applicable

5. Chappal Size:
____ Lepht ____ Right

6.Occupason:
(_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_) Pehelwaan (_) House wife (_)Un-employed (Check karet box)

7. Number of children libing in the household: ___
8. Number that are yours: ___
9. Mather name: ____________ _________ __
10. Phather Name: ____________ ________ (If not no,leave blank)
11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

12. Dental rekard:
(_) Ellow (_) Berownish-ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other __________Give egjhakt color (Check karet box)

13.Your thumb imparesson : ____________ _________ _______(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy thumb impression also. Please provide your own thumb impression.)
PELEASE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you dont have lepht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE.
WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS

Customer CARE IN 2020

Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."
Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold..........on......889861356102049998-45-54610"
Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"
Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99"
Customer: "Can I pay by! credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"
Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records,you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."
Customer: " What!"
Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,...registration number 1123..."
Customer: " ????"
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 freebottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... "
Customer: #$$^%&$@$%
Operator "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?"
Customer: [Faints]

Situation of a Developer.

life of a Developer

Smart programmer

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit exceptfor two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.
Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without sayinga word.
1. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."
2. TheProject manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young techwas brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!"
3. The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me,but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
4. The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time?"

Be a Smart Programmer!!!!!!

Some Good jokes

Exams are like GIRL FRIENDS
1 Too Many Question
2 Difficult to Understand.
3 More Explanation is Needed.
4 Result is always FAIL!

Liar:
A man is dying of Cancer. His son asked him, Dad, why do u keep telling people you're dying of AIDS?
Answer: So when Im dead no one will dare touch ur mom!

Tourists at Niagra falls.
Guide: "I welcome you all to the Niagra Falls . These are the world's largest WaterFalls and the sound intesity of the WaterFall is so high, sound of even 20 supersonic planes passing can't be heard! Now may I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the Niagra falls??..."

Three Feelings:
Whats the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant.

The Equation:
7 Glance = 1 Smile
7 Smile = 1 Meeting
7 Meeting = 1 Kiss
7 Kisses = 1 Proposal
7 Proposal = 1 Marriage
And that 1 Bloody marriage has 777777777777 Problems. So beware of the glance!

Plan For Future:
Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?
Ram: I want 2 b a pilot.
Vinod: I want 2 b a doctor.
sudha : I want 2 b a good mother.
Ravi : I want 2 help sudha .

Chinese Adam & Eve:
If adam and Eve were Chinese we would still be in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake.

The Faithful Dog
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession. Behind the coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that coffin is for my wife." The inquisitive man asked, "What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied "Please join the queue."

Why Mahatma walked?????????????just joke

God asked Lal Bahadur Shastri how many children hehad during his time on earth. He replied saying he hadthree! Happy with the relatively good family planning adopted, God gave Shastri a Mercedes!
Subhash Chandra Bose is asked the same question.When he replies he had 10 children, God is a bitupset and gives him a cheaper car, the Ford.
Jawaharlal is next.He decides to see what happens if he says he had 15children, God is pretty angry and gives him aninexpensive Maruti.
Sometime later the three see Mahatma Gandhi returningon foot.They ask why God hadn't given him anything.Gandhiji replied with anger, "Some idiot told God thatI was the FATHER OF THE NATION!"

Always allow the bosses to speak first

A junior Software engineer, a senior Software engineer and their Bossare on their way to a meeting.
On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rubthe lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is grantedthree wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each".
So the eager Junior Software engineer shouted, I want the first wish. Iwant to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries."Pfufffff,and he was gone.
Now the Senior Software engineer could not keep quiet and shouted " Iwant to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food andcocktails."Pfufffff , and he was also gone.
The Boss calmly said," I want these two idiots back in the office,"

Moral of the story is: Always allow the bosses to speak first"

Please read all versions

Forgiving or punishing the terroristsis left to God.
But,fixing their appointmentwith God is our responsibility- Indian Army.

Updated statement for this in S/w industry..
Forgiving or punishing the Developeris left to Manager.
But,fixing their appointment with Manageris our responsibility -Tester

Forgiving or punishing the Manageris left to Client.
But,fixing their appointmentwith Clientis our responsibility - Developer

Haryanvi at d last.. good one

Bengali
One Bengali = poet.
Two Bengalis = a film society.
Three Bengalis = political party.
Four Bengalis = two political parties.
More than four Bengali's = Countrywide agitation to bring Ganguli into Team .
Bihari
One Bihari = Laloo Prasad Yadav.
Two Biharis = booth-capturing squad.
Three Biharis = caste killing.
Four Biharis = entire literate population of Patna .
Punjabi
One Punjabi =100 kg hulk named Pinky.
Two Punjabis = Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky.
Three Punjabis = assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds.
Four Punjabis = combined IQ equal to one.
Mallu
One Mallu = coconut stall.
Two Mallus = a boat race.
Three Mallus = Gulf job racket.
Four Mallus = oil slick.
UP Bhaiyya
One UP bhaiyya = a milkman.
Two UP bhaiyyas = halwai shop.
Three UP bhaiyyas = a fist-fight in the UP assembly.
Four UP bhaiyyas = mosque-destruction squad.
Gujju
One Gujju = share-broker in a Bombay train.
Two Gujjus = rummy game in a Bombay train.
Three Gujjus = Bombay 's noisiest restaurant.
Four Gujjus = stock market scam.
Andhraite
One Andhraite = chili farmer.
Two Andhraites = software company in New Jersey .
Three Andhraites = Naxalite outfit.
Four Andhraites = song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie.
Kashmiri
One Kashmiri = carpet salesman.
Two Kashmiris = carpet factory.
Three Kashmiris = terrorist outfit.
Four Kashmiris = shoot-at-sight order.
Tamil-Brahmin
One Tam-Brahm = priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple.
Two Tam-Brahms = Maths tuition class.
Three Tam-Brahms = Queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m.
Four Tam-Brahms = Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara
Mumbaikar
One Mumbaikar = footpath vada-pav stall.
Two Mumbaikars= film studio.
Three Mumbaikars = slum.
Four Mumbaikars = The number of people standing on your foot in the train at rush hour.
Sindhi
One Sindhi = currency racket.
Two Sindhis = papad factory.
Three Sindhis = duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar .
Four Sindhis = Hong Kong Retail Traders Association.
Marwari
One Marwari = The neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator.
Two Marwaris = 50% of Calcutta
Three Marwaris = Finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis.
Four Marwaris = Threaten the Jews as a community.
Haryanvi
One Haryanavi = tube light
Two Haryanavi = agriculture
Three Haryannavi= Lathi squad
Four Haryanavi = actually just one was enough

URGENT! Trainee required

Please apply before or ON 14th Feb.
Applications are invited for the following post. The package and incentives are mentioned below.
Designation : junior girl friend ( trainee )
Experience : FRESHER (experienced candidate strictly prohibited)


Perks and incentives.
Total gross ( Monthly ) : 3 gifts worth 300/-
30 bike rides each duration 2 hours
20 trips to Eat Street/Tank bund
5 Trips to Birla temple / Sanghi Temple
10 Kulfis / Chocobars at a regular gap of 3 days
Daily Provision of Vada / Samosa / Pakoda / Pani puri/ PAV Baji/ Chat worth of 5 /-
4 movies ( Hindi Family movie only ) per month
on every weekend Visits to Fashion Street , Shopper's Stop, Central every Weekend Pair of Jeans or T-shirts according to Demand Net Deductions ( Monthly ) : Provident Fund and Service taxes to be informed on joining
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---- REFERRAL BONUS WILL BE GIVEN AS PER THE POLICY ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- - Pls note


Thanks & Have a Wonderful Day