Friday, July 20, 2012

Endearing terms

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Darling, etc…

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, “I think it's wonderful that after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names”.
The old man hung his head, sighed and said “I have to tell you the truth, her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is...”

Joke of the month

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He
removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.


  She gasped...
  Then, he spoke...
  'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'

he ever wants is sex

A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband.
"Don't you love him anymore?" asked the lawyer.
"Oh, I still love him," she replied, "but all he ever wants is sex, I can't take it anymore."
"Instead of divorcing him, why don't you try charging him every time he wants to make love?" the lawyer suggested.

The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try.

As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the move on her.
"Not so fast," she replied. "From now on it'll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom."

"Well, then," he said. "Here's $50."

The wife began walking to the bedroom.
"Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand. "That'll be five times in the kitchen!"

Best SMS Joke

Marriage is like a public toilet Those waiting outside are desperate to
get in & Those inside are desperate to come out.

20 Years Ago

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
`What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, `Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, `I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating.
You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
`Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
`Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
`Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. `Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, `Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
`I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, `Had I gone with second option, I would have been released today.`

                                                                                  

 

ORGANIC WIFE

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market.

I went and looked around and couldn't find any.
So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to
do that yourself.

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would
be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
________________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico .

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the
next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.


He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's
testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'


The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one
bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this
delicacy.'


The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and
only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and
said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,

'Si, Senor.
Sometimes the bull wins !

TOP of 2012 joke


Doctor to a ghayal patient,

" Jab car ek AURAT chala rahi thi to tumhe sadak se thodi dur chalana chahiye tha.
Patient :-  kaisi SADAK , Kaun si SADAK,
Main to KHET main Lota leke Baitha tha...........
                                                                           

Wife :- Main SUICIDE karungi........

Husband :- To ye lo, (  He just gives her a DAIRY MILK. )
Wife :- Q ?????
Husband :- Mammi kehati hai , BETA Koi SUBH kaam Karne se pe pehale KUCH MEETHA ho jaye .....!!!!!!

Adult joke Overdue

Mr.Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we  can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs.Sharma receives a telephone call  from  Electric Company because the  electricity bill has not been paid.

" Am I speaking to Mrs.Sharma ? "  "Yes...... speaking"  
guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman. 
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the  guy . 
"What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW  ?????"  
"Yes ........... We have a system of finding out who's overdue "
"GOD !!!!!!...... ... this is too much........ .." 
"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"
"I know that ........ let me talk to my husband about this tonight. ..... he will speak to your company tomorrow " 

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to Electric Company's office the next day morning.

"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What  business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Elecric Company ,  "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

SEXY Definitions


THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female definition: Any part under a car's bonnet.
Male definition: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

LESBIAN (lez-bee-an) n.
Female: A woman who makes love to other women.
Male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing soccer without shin pads.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

COMMUNICATION (ko-muu-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's Partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with The lads.

BUM (bum) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger.
Male: The organ for mooning (and farting).

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's Girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Sex!!

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can Achieve.
Male: What women do while the man is shagging.

Maid Of Honor

A man returned home from the night shift at 8 am, went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, feigning sleep.

Not to be denied, the horny fellow pulled up the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.
Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How'd you get down here so fast?", he asked, "we were just making love."

"Oh my God", his wife gasped, "that's my mother up there! She came over with a headache. I told her to lie down for a while."

Rushing upstairs, the woman ran into the bedroom.

"Why didn't you say something!", she asked her mother. "I haven't spoken to that jerk in fifteen years", she huffed,"and I wasn't about to start now!"

Top number one hindi aaj ka quota

Delivery ke waqt,

BIWI,   O God ! BETA HO,
PATI,   O GOD  !  BETI HO.

GOD  Shut up, ABE confusion Me aisa item ban jayega  Ki tum dono Rote rahoge , Aur wo TALIYA bajata rahega .

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Trouble

 

Interviewer: Just imagine u r in third floor, it caught fire. How will u escape?

Man: It's very simple i will stop my imagination

............ ......... ..................... ......... .......


There was a garland in the operation theater. Seeing this, the confused patient asked the nurse about it.

The nurse replied calmly,"This is first case to our doctor.. If he succeeds, it is for him, otherwise... ..."

............ ......... ..................... ......... .......

Help a girl, when she is in trouble.
And she will surley remember you
Only when she is in truble again.