Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Three contractors

Three contractors are at a theme park to bid for a job repairing fences – one is from New York, one from Texas and the third from Florida.
First to bid is the Florida contractor. He measures up and says, "Well, I reckon we'll do the job for $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for the men, and $100 for me."
Next is the Texan, who measures up and says, "I'll do the job for $700, that's $300 for materials, $300 for my men, and $100 for me."
The man from New York doesn't even stand up. He says, "$2700."
The park owner, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure the job! How did you arrive at that price?"
"Easy," says the New Yorker. "$1000 for you, $1000 for me, and we hire the Texan."

Monday, May 25, 2009

Santa Singh's wife

Santa Singh's wife was expecting and the baby was due any day. Santa was very confident it would be a boy and was looking forward to the D-day. As fate would have it, he was transferred to another city and had to join office immediately. Before going, he asked his father-in-law to send a telegram confirming birth of his son.

But in order to avoid giving party to his office colleagues, he asks his father-in-law to write "the watch has arrived" and he will understand that the son is born.

The D-day arrived. His wife delivered a cute little baby girl. Now Santa's father-in-law didn't know what to do.. If he writes "the watch has arrived" Santa will think he has got a Son. If he writes " watch has not arrived" Santa will get worried that something serious has happened. But being a very intelligent person,he finds a solution and sends the telegram.

Santa received the telegram, opened it eagerly and reads "The watch has arrived, but the pendulum is missing".

WARREN BUFFET

Here are some very interesting aspects of WARREN BUFFET life:

1. He bought his first share at age 11 and he now regrets that he started too late!

2. He bought a small farm at age 14 with savings from delivering newspapers.

3. He still lives in the same small 3-bedroom house in mid-town Omaha ,that he bought after he got married 50 years ago. He says that he has everything he needs in that house. His house does not have a wall or a fence.

4. He drives his own car everywhere and does not have a driver or security people around him.

5. He never travels by private jet, although he owns the world's largest private jet company.

6. His company, Berkshire Hathaway, owns 63 companies.

He writes only one letter each year to the CEOs of these companies, giving them goals for the year. He never holds meetings or calls them
Prove yourself
Prove yourself
on a regular basis.

He has given his CEO's only two rules.
Rule number 1: do not lose any of your share holder's money.
Rule number 2: Do not forget rule number 1.

7. He does not socialize with the high society crowd. His past time after he gets home is to make himself some pop corn and watch Television.

8. Bill Gates, the world's richest man met him for the first time only 5 years ago. Bill Gates did not think he had anything in common with Warren Buffet. So he had scheduled his meeting only for half hour. But when Gates met him, the meeting lasted for ten hours and Bill Gates
became a devotee of Warren Buffet.

9. Warren Buffet does not carry a cell phone, nor has a computer on his desk.

His advice to young people: "Stay away from credit cards and invest in yourself and

Remember: A. Money doesn't create man but it is the man who created money.

B. Live your life as simple as you are.

C. Don't do what others say, just listen them, but do what you feel good.

D. Don't go on brand name; just wear those things in which u feel comfortable.

E. Don't waste your money on unnecessary things; just spend on them who really in need rather.
F. After all it's your life then why give chance to others to rule our life

One liners -- Hidden meanings in Company talk

Today's Professional Management FUNDAS
1."We will do it" means "You will do it"
2."You have done a great job" means "More work to be given to you"
3."We are working on it" means "We have not yet started working on the same"
4."Tomorrow first thing in the morning" means "Its not getting done "At least not tomorrow!"
5."After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views" means "I have already decided, I will tell you what to do"
6."There was a slight miscommunication" means "We had actually lied"
7."Lets call a meeting and discuss" means "I have no time now, will talk later"
8."We can always do it" means "We actually cannot do the same on time"
9."We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline" means "The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time."
10."We had slight differences of opinion "means "We had actually fought"
11."Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you" means "Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me"
12."You should have told me earlier" means "Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!"
13."We need to find out the real reason" means "Well I will tell you where your fault is"
14."Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected," means, "Well you know..."
15."We are a team," means, "I am not the only one to be blamed"
16."That's actually a good question" means "I do not know anything about it"
17."All the Best" means "You are in trouble"

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Please tell me "WHY"

Please tell me "WHY"

WHY >(can anyone give the answers)

1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

2. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

4. Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

5. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

6. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

8. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

9. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lips"?

10. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

11. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

12. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

13. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

14. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

15 Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

16. How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

17. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

18. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

19. In Winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in Summer, when we complained about the heat in Summer?

20. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Saturday, May 23, 2009

India in the 90s

You Know You Grew Up in India in the 90s if :

1) You know the words to 'In-pin-safety-pin' and 'akkad-bakkad' by heart
2) Cricket is almost a religion for you, and you idolize at least one of Kapil Dev/Rahul Dravid/Sachin Tendulkar/Saurav Ganguly
3) You have read at least some Chacha Chaudhary or Tinkle comics
4) You've watched Shaktimaan on TV at least once in your life. And you can immediately recognize the character when you see him.
5) You have some 'NRI' relatives.
6) You couldn't wait for it to be December so you could have the Toblerone chocolates your NRI relatives brought you
7) You watched Cartoon Network, and then the late night movies on TNT that came after Cartoon Network ended.
8) You watched corny dubbed versions of Small Wonder, Silver Spoon, and I Dream of Jeanie
9) You were THRILLED when McDonald's opened in your neighborhood (or even eight kilometers away)
10) Your first burgers were at Wimpy's or Nirula's.
11) A visit to Pizza Hut used to mean a special treat
12) You have seen Kuch Kuch Hota Hai and Hum Aapke Hain Kaun at least 5 times each
13) You still remember the theme song to Hum Paanch.
14) You have played hours upon hour of Pukdam-pakdai, oonch-neech, kho-kho, 'Doctor, doctor, help us!', 'Lock and key'
15) You have played 'Uma Joshi' more times than you can remember.
16) Dog 'in' the bone was your favorite co-ed game.
17) Much of your free time in school was spent playing UNO.
18) You collected trump cards of wrestlers, cricketers, and airplanes, and did not quite understand why your younger siblings were obsessed with Pokemon and the other Japanese trends that followed.
19) Your summer vacations were often synonymous with visiting your grandparents
20) Your parents, at some point, told you 'Dark Room' was a bad game to play. But you still loved playing it.
21) Bole mere lips, I love uncle Chips!
22) You know the song 'Made in India ' by Alisha Chinoi
23) You have seen many many many episodes of 'Antakshri' on Zee TV and know the only thing constant in the show is Anu Kapoor.
24) Amy evenings have been spent watching little kids gyrate vulgarly on Boogie Woogie on Sony.
25) You were the coolest thing in class if you had a computer in your house while it was still the 90s.
26) You learnt LOGO in school!
27) You couldn't wait to start 4th/6th standard so you could start writing with PENS instead of with pencils!
28) You often used terms and phrases like 'kutti', 'batti', 'same to you, back to you, with no returns', and 'shame shame, puppy shame, all the donkeys know your name.'
29) You most probably saw Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge at the cinema at least once. You also fantasized singing songs in mustard fields like in the movie.
30) You have seen David Dhawan and Govinda movies and laughed at them.
31) You have said 'haw' when you saw people kissing in English movies
31) You have seen Titanic at least 12 times.
32) You thought seeing English movies and speaking English made you the coolest thing ever.
33) You remember the Orissa cyclone, even though you didn't know what a cyclone was.
34) You remember the Gujarat earthquake very clearly and could possibly tell everyone EXACTLY what you were doing when the earthquake occurred.
35) Barbies for girls, and GI Joes for boys were the ultimate status symbols. You just wanted more more more and more. And how can I forget Hot Wheels, for both boys and girls? I personally have a collection of over 200 little Hot Wheels cars.
36) You have worn Osh-Kosh B'gosh and United Colours of Benetton clothes while growing up. And you thought 'imported' clothes were definitely way better than 'made in India' clothes (never mind that a lot of clothes brought from overseas by NRI relatives were actually made in India, before 'Made in China' started appearing on EVERY existing thing)
37) You know the words to 'Posham Paa', and like it better than ' Oranges and Lemons' even though you'd sing the latter to sound cool (see 32 above).
38) At some point or other, cool was your favourite, and therefore, most overused word.
39) Captain Planet was your first introduction to environmental consciousness.
40) You have tried to convince people around you to not burst crackers on Diwali, and then gone straight back home and burst them yourself.
41) You have had endless packets of Parle Gluco G biscuits, and of Brittania Little Hearts biscuits.
42) You loved licking off the cream from the centre of Bourbon biscuits.
43) There were no Nike, Reebok, Adidas, Puma- Bata and Liberty was the way to go for your sports shoes.
44) You have probably consumed more Frooti in your lifetime than there is oil in Iraq .
45) You watched Baywatch on Star World even though (or because) your parents said you shouldn't watch it.
46) You bought packets of potato chips for the specific purpose of collecting Tazoa. And you had Tazos depicting everyone from Confucius to Daffy Duck to Daffy Duck dressed as Confucius.
47) For the longest time, the Maruti 800, the Premier Padmini, THE Fiat, and THE Ambassador were the only cars you saw on the road, and the Contessa was cool because it was bigger.
48) You would literally jump up in excitement if you ever chanced upon an imported car (Oh my gosh, is that really a MERCEDES?)!
49) You spent a good part of 1998 drooling over the Hyundai Santro and the Daewoo Matiz , debating which one was better.
50) You used to Fuzen gum. You also chewed Big (big) Babool and/or Boom Boom Boomer chewing gum.. They were bright pink and disgusting tasting, but you loved them for the temporary tattoos.
51) Talking of temporary tattoos, you sometimes had contests with your classmates about who had more tattoos on their arm, leg, knee, hand, forehead, wherever.
52) You thought Mario and Tetris were the coolest things ever invented, especially if you were a boy..
53) You knew that having the latest Hero or Atlas bicycle would make you the coolest kid on the block.
54) You can imitate Sushmita Sen's winning gasp to perfection.
55) You have, at some point of time, worn GAP clothes (real or fake) like SRK in KKHH.
56) Seemingly senseless acronyms like SRK, DDLJ, KKHH actually make sense to you.
57) You have at some point debated who was more beautiful- Aishwarya or Sushmita.
58) If you lived in Delhi , you went bowling at Essex Farms, or Go-Karting at 32nd Milestone and couldn't think how you could get any cooler than that.
59) Baskin Robbins ice-cream was THE thing to have!
60) You know what Campa Cola is. And you also knew that Coca Cola was THE drink.
61) When you would watch WWF keenly every evening/afternoon and really think that Undertaker had 7 lives and he made an "actual" appearance in the Akshay Kumar- starrer Khiladiyon ka Khiladi.
62) When all backpacks (or 'schoolbags') and water bottles and tiffin boxes had strange cartoon characters that were hybrid versions of seven or eight different characters, and you still bought them, because a green man wih a water pistol, boots, a jet-pack, Johnny bravo hair, a rajasthani mustache, gloves, and underwear (long johns) over his pants, called 'Mr. X' was OBVIOUSLY a status symbol.
63) You remember the Nirma tikia jingle.
64) You remember the Nirma girl.
65) You remember the 'doodh doodh' ad and also the 'roz khao andey' ads.
66) You grew up reading, if you read at all, some or all of Nancy Drews, Enid Blyton books, Hardy Boys, Babysitters Club, Animorphs, Goosebumps, Sweet Valley series, Judy Blumes, and Tintin, or Archie comics. Because naturally, reading foreign authors made you much coller than reading Tinkle.
67) Towards the late 90s (1998-99) at least some of us started our Harry Potter obsessions!
68) You absolutely HAD to go to Essel World if you wnet to Mumbai! "Essel World mein rahoonga main, ghar nahin nahin jaaonga main!"
69) You watched the Bournvita Quiz contest on TV pretty religiously. The smarter ones amongst you actually took part in it and had your entire school and your entire extended families watch you on it!
70) "Jungle jungle baat chali hai, pata chala hai. Chaddi pehen ke phool khila hai, phool khila!"
71) Maggi 2 Minute Noodles = ultimate snack (and tiffin, lunch, dinner)!
72) If you grew up in the early 90s, you recall the nation's obsession with Mahabharata on TV
73) In the later 90s, you religiously followed Hip Hip Hooray on Zee. Maybe Just Mohabbat on Sony too.
74) You eagerly awaited Friendship Day, so you could give friendship bands to all your friends, and get bands from them in return. Then, of course, those with the most bands loved to show them off (and on Rakhi, boys with the most Rakhis loved showing those off too!)

75) This list made you smile J

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Smart MOM...

A  Mom comes to visit her son Kunal for dinner.....who lives with a girl roommate Sunita.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kunal's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kunal and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Kunal volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Sunita came to Kunal saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver chutney jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Kunal said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the chutney jar. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
Kunal

Several days later, Kunal received an email from his Mother which read

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney jar by now under the pillow...

Love,
Mom.
.
.
.
.
.
Lesson of the day: Don't Lie to Your Mother...........especially if she is Indian


Smart MOM...

A  Mom comes to visit her son Kunal for dinner.....who lives with a girl roommate Sunita.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kunal's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kunal and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Kunal volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Sunita came to Kunal saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver chutney jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Kunal said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the chutney jar. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
Kunal

Several days later, Kunal received an email from his Mother which read

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney jar by now under the pillow...

Love,
Mom.
.
.
.
.
.
Lesson of the day: Don't Lie to Your Mother...........especially if she is Indian


Sunday, May 17, 2009

Priest n Parrots

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.

They keep saying "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?""

That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to your problem.Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house.The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots,

and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"????..?.?..

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered!!!!!!!"

best women jokes

Police arrestd a drunkard & askd: Where r u goin?

Man: I'm goin 2 listen lecture on ill effcts of drinking.Cop: Who'll lecture at midnite?Man: My wife...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Law Professor: Which is the most important LAW of Finance for Starting a New Business?Student: Father-in-Law!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Man: Is there any way for long life?

Dr: Get married.Man: Will it help?

Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the biggest pressure for Pak captain when Pak needs 1 run to win in 8 over’s, with 5 wickets in hand?Ya Allah! How to speak English in presentation ceremony?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Beggar: Saab 12Rs do na coffee peeni hai.Man: Lekin coffee to 6Rs ki hai?Beggar: Par saab girlfrend bhi to hai.Man: Bhikari hokar bhi GF banali.Beggar: Na saab,GF ne Bhikari bana diya!--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: Why do women live longer than men?

A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!

---------------------------------------

Wats the diff between Complete & Finished?

If you find good wife u r complete otherwise u r finished.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------So many options: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow but sure!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Have u heard about the man who threw his wife into a pond of crocodiles? He's now being harassed by the animal rights for being cruel to the crocodiles.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Two men r talking. 1st: I got married coz I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry & wearing shabby clothes.

2nd: Amazing, I just got divorced for the very same reasons

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Wife: If I dismiss the cook and make the food myself for a month, what will you pay me?Husband: I won't have to pay you, you'll get my entire insurance amount.

enjoy best funny jokes

When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


A little boy went up to his father and asked :" Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from ? "His father replied :" Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother,because I still have mine.


"What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination? " Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours,but I never told them anything !! "

John's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying :"John seems to be a very bright boy,
but spends too much of his time thinking about girls.
"The mother wrote back the next day :" If you find a solution, please advise.I have the same problem with his father ! "

When I was young I used to pray for a bike,then I realized that God doesn't work that way,
so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Hindi adult non veg sexy jokes

There are newly added jokes