Friday, December 23, 2011

Top Joke of 2011

Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her Bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a Baseball Bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, with a sense of pride n satisfaction she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Hope you have said Hello! :D :P

Friday, August 19, 2011

Gods Gift

A man got two wishes from god.
He asked for the Best drink & best woman...
the next moment he got Mineral water & Mother teresa...

.........Investment matters are subject to market risks. Please read the offer document carefully before investing...

"Janhit Me Jaari".....

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Take Boss temperature

A grumpy, overbearing office manager once had to spend a couple  of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses,  bossing them around just like he did his employees. None of the
hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who would stand up to him.

She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for a few minutes he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse said, "For this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After inserting the thermometer, she said, "Now, I have to go get something. You stay
just like that until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out, and the man cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door snickering. After quite some time had passed, a doctor walked
into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"

After a pause, the doctor replied, "Yes... but never with a DAFFODIL!"

 Two drunks were driving down the road. The first drunk looked
over to the other drunk and says, "I think we are getting closer
to downtown."

The second drunk says, "How can you tell?"

The first drunk says "We're hitting more and more people."

Monday, August 15, 2011

She is a woman ( Always Confused ! )


If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don't, you are a dull boy

If you are jealous, she says it's bad
If you don't, she thinks you do not love her

If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her

If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way

If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls"

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage

If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction

She is a womanIf you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring

If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk

In short:
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So damning, yet so wonderful
So confusing, yet so desirable......

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

A wife asked her husband to describe her.

A wife asked her husband to describe her.
He said, 'You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K'.
She said, 'What does that mean?'
He said Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot'.
She said, 'Oh that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?'

He said-- I'm Just Kidding---!!!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Loyalty Test

Wife bought a Dozen underwear of same Color for hubby....
Hubby-y Same Color?
Peopl wil think I never change underwear...:O
Wife-Whch people?

A man sent a SMS to his wife

"Hi Darling, I am just having my last Peg and I will be home in 30 minutes;
If I am not, please read this message again!"

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Wedding Invitation

Mr.& Mrs. Kanjar Singh request ur Chutia presence on d ****ing marriage of their bhenchodi daughter:
S/O Mr & Mrs. Dalla Ram
Raveena randi da kotha,
Bhosri Pura,
Dist. Kanjar baad
Chudai Pur,
***** DIKHAI, 12 Aug
***** CHATAI, 13 Aug
Full THOKA THAKI, 14 Aug
Mama Muthal
Nanna Loray Lal
Masi **** Devi
Mele MAMI ki Chudai me jalool-2 Ana
;-Baby Luly

Best sexy jokes

Wife :

Whenever I sing why do you stand in the balcony?

Husband :
To ensure that our neighbours don't think I'm ****ing you forcibly..!

Girls hostel main call aata hai:
caller: mona hai ?
warden: kaun mona..peeche kya lagati hai ?
Caller: ab ka to pata nahi ..pahle sarso ka tel lagati thi !!


Salman Khan to abhishek bachan : aapko pata hai aaj tak kinte log aishwarya ko chod chuke hai?

Abhishek :.. no idea

Salman : Get IDEA

Girl enters in a *** shop...........
GIRL:Where is the artificial ***** section?
SHOP KEEPER: In that corner mam.
GIRL: How much for this big red one?
Shop Keeper:Sorry mam, thats not a toy,Its Fire extingusher.........

Bhaiyon yeh wala to all d singles out der....
14 ko sagai thi.
15 ko shaddi thi.
16 ko beer ki barsaat thi...
Jab ankh khuli toh hath mein LUND aur chaddi barbaad thi.

Sexy Hindi jokes

What a woman says...

This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...

blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.
So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him,
but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need",
then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on
the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his
chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground
floor and says, "What the **** is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you -
I'm coming!"

Kaam wali bai says to malkin after seeing condom on bed: Yeh kya hai?
Malkin said: Tere gawon mein *** nahi karte kya?
Kaam wali bai: Karte hai malkin per itna nahi ke lund ki khal nikal jaye!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

Best of hindi sex jokes 2020

Sardar 1 Randi Ki Chudai Kar Raha Tha
Chudai Karte Waqt Usne Randi Ki ***** Me Moot Diya
Randi Ne 1 Thappad Usko Rasid Diya
Sardar :
Kyo Mara?
Behanchod,Public Place Me Peshaab Karta Hai

Naughty boy draws a ***** on the black board. Lady teacher rubs it off. Next day he draws a bigger one
& writes: 'jitna ragdogi utna bada hoga...

Ek aadmi govt job ke liye interview dene gaya. Interviewer -
Aapki koi majburi to nahi?
Aadmi:- ji sir, asal me pehle main fauj me tha, jung ke dauraan
meri taango ke darmiyaan ek bomb phata aur mere TATTE ud gaye.!
Interviewer:- Ye to koi problem nahi...Monday se aap join kare.
Hum sab 9 baje aate hai, aap 11 baje aana.
Aadmi:-aisa kyun?
Interviewer:- Hum sab 11 baje tak kuch nahi karte,
bas TATTE khujlate rehte hai

Preeto: Aaj koi naye style mei *** karenge

Santa: Hei???...Sochne de...OK chal KAAN mei daalta hu..

Preeto: Haai....mei behri ho gayi toh?????

Santa: Chup Bhenchot....Aaj tak kabhi GUNGEE hui kya??

Judge : as you are the key witness, can u tell me the exact place, where this man ****d ur wife?
Sardar Lifted sardarni's saree and said: here my lord.

Nigahon Se Nigahein Mila Kar To Dekho
Kabhi Kisi Ladki Ko Patta Kar To Dekho
Hasratein Dil Mein Dabane Se Kya Fayda
Apne Haathon Se Zara Daba Kar To Dekho
Aasmaan Simat Jayega Tumhare Aagosh Mein
Ladki Ki Taangen Phaila Kar To Dekho
Agar Ye Na Kar Sako To Haar Mat Manna
Do Boonden To Zaroor Girengi Yaaron
Zara Apne Lund Ko Hila Kar To Dekho.

A young girl after her honeymoon
came fully exhausted and tired,

When her friends asked her what happened?

She replied :
When this 70 year old ******* told me
he has saved a lot from last 50 years,

“I thought It was MONEY"

Boobs ki atma-katha

Mera janam 12 saal baad hua,
Rang layi mere chahne waalon ki dua.
Jab mai bilkul choti thi,
Tab mein frock mein soti thi.
Fir mere aakar ka vistar hua,
Neebu badh k Anaar hua.
Jab mai badhne lgi,
Her kisi ki nazar mujhpe padne lgi.
Hua fir Bra mera ghar,
Ab lagne laga mujhe dar.
Jab mera size hua bda,
Jaane kitno ka hua khada.
Bheed me Ladko ne hath mara,
Mujhe ehsas hua bahut Pyara.
Fir na jane kitno ne dabaya,
Sach bada maja aaya.
Kisi ne pyar se sehlaya,
Kisi ko pyar se chusvaya.
Kisi ne mujhko masal diya,
kisi ne mujhpe Apna lund ragad diya.
Jab mai gayi jhul
Log mujhko gaye bhul

Ek Naya Type Ka Sawal

Jab Se Mardo Ko Aapas Mein Pyar Karne Ki Permission Mili Hai, Tab Se Tailor Log Ek Naya Sawal Karne Lage Hai. 

Sir, Aapki Pant Mein Zip Aage Lagani Hai Ya Peeche?

Non veg jokes ka baap -14

Teachero You Know The Importence Of Period?

Student:Yes Mem, Ek Dafa Meri Sister Ko Nahi Aaya.Mom Sun Kar Mar Gai,Daddy Ko Heart Fail Hua.Aur Humara Driver Bhag Gaya!

Non veg jokes ka baap -13

Scene: Husband and Wife in court getting a divorce.

The problem: who should get custody of the child????

Wife jumped up and said: “Your Honour! I brought the child into this world with pain and labour so it should be in my

The judge turns to Husband and says “What do you have to say in your defence?”

The husband sat for a while contemplating then slowly rose.

“Your Honour. If I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, whose Pepsi is it? the machine’s or mine?”

Yeh sunke…Wife replied : “Judge sahab…bartan mera…doodh bhi mera…aur usme dahi jamane ke liye 2 boond daalne se dahi bana
to fir wo dahi kiska..? mera ya do boond daalne wale ka”

Husband replied : “Typewriter mein kagaz Maine dala, keys daba-daba kar mehnat Maine ki, fir chithi kiski? typewriter ki
ya meri?”

Frustrated Judge (getting mad): “Abay saale agar Tu chithi haath se hi likh leta to yahan par custody ki
naubat hi na aati.”

Non veg jokes ka baap - 12

Shikva Nahi Kisi Se Kisi Se Gila Nahi

Wah Wah Bahut Achhe,

Shikva Nahi Kisi Se Kisi Se Gila Nahi,

Us Ka Bra Hi New Style Ka Tha Jo Hum Se Khula Nahi...

Non veg jokes ka baap - 11

Faster Than GIRLs
Than BOYs?
BOYs Have 1Extra LEG
GIRLs Have 1Extra MOUTH.

Non veg jokes ka baap - 10

Lady-Dr mera hole bahut bada hai!!
Dr(hole dekh kar)-ye to gufa hai,ye to gufa hai,ye to gufa hai!!!
lady(gusse me)-isme 3 baar bolne ki kya zarurat hai??
Dr-behen ki lodi awaz gunj rahi hai!!!!

Non veg jokes ka baap - 9

Arrested for laughing!!
This is from an actual trial in the UK.
A young Woman who was several months pregnant was sittin in a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her
she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.
She changed her seat & he seemed more amused.
She moved again and then on seeing him laughing more, she filed a court case on him.

In the court the Man's defence was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.
She sat under an advertisement, which read 'Coming Soon- The unknown boon'..
I was even more amused when she then sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's stick did the trick'..
Then I could not control myself any longer,
when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident..
The case was dismissed..n judge laughd 2 death.

Non veg jokes ka baap -8

Kothay Par Police Ne Chapa Mara, Tumam Logo Ko Line Me Khara Kiya, Waha Se 1 Boorhi (Old) Aurat Guzri, Usne Line Me 1 Larki Se PochaYaha Kya Ho Raha Hai?

Larki: Aam Bant Rahe Hain.

Boorhi B Line Me Lag Gai, Jab Us Ka Number Aaya To Police Ne Kaha AMMa Aap Bhi?
Boorhi : Munh Main Daant Nahi To Kya Hua Choos To Sakti Hoon na……

Non veg jokes ka baap -7

Ek Madrassi Ki Nayi Nayi Shadi Hui, Aur Vo Biwi Ko Leke Honeymoon Manane Train Mein Ja Raha Thha.

Train Mein Sath Wali Seat Par Ek Angrej Bhi Betha Thha.
Madrasi Ke Dimag Mein Aya Ki Agar Main Apni Biwi Ka *** Is Se Karwa Lu To Bachha Gora Paida Hoga

Madrassi Ne Angrej Se Puchha: “Kya Tum Meri Biwi Ke Sath *** Karoge?”
Angrej Ne Khush Ho Ke Kaha: “Jarur, Kyu Nahi”
Angrej Ne Ek Baar *** Kar Liya
Par Madrassi Ne Sochha Ek Baar Aur Karva Leta Hu,
Angrej Ne Phir Se Uski Biwi Ke Sath *** Kia,
Madrassi Ne Sochha Ek Baar Aur Ho Jaye Toh Pakka Ho Jayga,
Madraasii Ne Angrej Se Kaha: “Ek Baar Aur Kar Lo”
Angrej: “Nahhi, Ab Nai Kar Sakta”
Madrassi: “Kyuu?”

Angrej Muskurate Hue: “Kyunki Mere Pass Sirf 2 Hi Condoms Thhe“

Non veg jokes ka baap - 6

Mirza Galib ne har baat par sher kaha,

Shadi hui to sher kaha,

Ghunghat uthaya to sher kaha,

Kapde utarein to sher kaha,

Phir jab Tangein uthaain to bole

"Le aayi phir kahaan par kismat humain kahan se,
Ye to wohi jagah hai Nikley they hum jehan se"

Non veg jokes ka baap - 5

Kisi Shaayar Par Ladki ne SUSU Kar Diya. 

Shaayar Bola: A Chanchal Shokh Haseena Ye Kaisi Naadani he?

 Ladki Boli: BENCHOD Jis ZEEL se Tu Nikla, Ye Usi ZEEL ka Paani he.!

Non veg jokes ka baap -4

"SCHOOL" ki yaad me arz kiya hai..

Sab mujhe kehte the school ka chamakta 'SITARA'
Kyu ki..
Maine 7vi me hi khol diya tha 12vi ki ladki ka nada.

Non veg jokes ka baap -3

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.

"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has *** with her in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.

Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE ****ING DISHES

Non veg jokes ka baap -2

Babaji: aaise nahi bolte beti kya hua..???
girl : usne meri chummi li....
babaji kissed n askd aaise...??
girl : ji
babaji:ispe madrchod nahi kehte
girl : usne Bra utarkar ball chusse
babji: ball chusske..aaise??
girl : ha
babaji : isme koi badi bat nahi hai
girl: Usne muje choda bhi..!!
babaji while ****ing her...aaise...??
girl : ha
babaji : isme bhi koi badi bat nahi hai
girl: *** ke baad usne muje bataya ki usse AIDS hai...!!

Non veg jokes ka baap -1

Kelewala:gand phadu kele! gand phadu kele lo.

admi: gand phadu kele! kitne ke hain??

kelewala: 2500 ke 2.

admi: ABE! 2500 KE 2!

kelewala: kyu! phat gayi na gand?

Ustaad Ne Farmaya

Hamare ustaad ji ne farmaya ke Beta:

Machhi aur Bachhi khud pakar ke khao to mazaa hain.

Lund aur Qanoon kabhi haath main na lo.

Naukri aur tatton pe kabhi laat naa maro.

Larki jitni marzi lambi ho lund late kar hi leti hain.

Lohe par hathorra aur chooot par lora tab maro jab woh garam ho.

Kismat ki karni chooot ki garmi or lund ki besharmi nahin rukti.

Aur ehtyat se $ex karo kyun ke Bandook se nikli faulad aur pait se nikli aulad kabbi waapis nahin jaati.

A Camel Condom

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

“Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel. (a cigarette brand)”

The pharmacist fainted.


Three blondes were walking through the desert one day, when they saw a set of tracks.

The first blonde said, "Are they bird tracks?"

The second blonde said, "No, I think they're rabbit tracks."

There was a loud noise a short distance away.

The third blonde leaned in for a closer look, and got hit by a train.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Sweeter Sides of Life

[1] Sweeter Sides of Life

Boy Friend is like a chocolate, "Taste good always."
Girl Friend is like Pizza, Hot' n'Spicy, "Delicious anytime."
Wife is like the refrigerated left overs, "Eaten when no choice."
Husband is like a cooled off Tea in a cup, "Headache on sip."

[2] Better Dead than Alive

A bachelor Man asked his physician, "I Want to live healthy and longer."
The Doctor advised, "Good thought, Get married."
The man asked, "Oh you mean the exercise of sex will make me live longer."
The Doctor said, "No it is the want of sex that will kill your thought."

[3] An Alien Observation

"A great handshake was observed in two humans of opposite sex at a wedding ring before a deadly bout of Lifetime."

[4] Respect to a Dead Union

A husband reminded the wife, "Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary and I want to start the day with two minute's in silence."

[5] Love Kills

Marry with Love or have someone arrange it for you and then love. What the hell is the difference? Ultimate is the same, "Suicide of Harakiri or Killing of Guillotine."

[6] Strange Divinity

And God makes such a beautiful, lovely, pleasant, marvelous creature as woman for man, then suddenly he turns around and sticks him as wife.

[7] Senseless and Careless

A man before marriage stays awake happily whole night contemplating about the wordage of lover woman.
Then after marriage he starts snoring faster then loving wife utters the first word.

[8] Wise Saying

Your money gets transferred faster than lightning When you marry.

[9] For unmarried only

"Happy Independence Day."

[10] Grass is greener on other side

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order the best dish of your choice from the menu and yet damn you find your friend's dish more alluring.

[11] Decent Burial

A just recently divorced, hit hard, badly publicized, rich man received a telegram.
"Your Ex-wife dead. Advise preference burial or cremation? Funeral cost you pay."
The man quickly responded, "Burn the Body high flames and Bury the Ash deep grounds. I pay all the expenses."

[12] Wild Fiction

A just engaged man goes in the Library to search books on "The sex and my woman."
He asked the female librarian, "Ma' am, I want the book something like, "Master of my woman."
The librarian advised, "Our fiction and fantasy books are in the basement."

[13] Promise Keeper

Once a man told then his lover, "Marry me, I would even go to hell for you."
The girl trusted the promise and married him.
The Man kept his words, "He is going through the hell of his life for now his wife."

[14] Never drying tears

A woman brings you in this world with you crying and other one keeps you alive in this world with you crying.

[15] Law of Double Jeopardy

The Law does not permit a man to marry a second woman.
The Law cannot punish a man twice for the same offence!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

He She what they say

He said...She said

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to
put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said ... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make
love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen

On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."

He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa and fart. "

Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your
late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'

He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I
gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said ... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the
hallway light on.

He said ... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.


A man had been in a terrible car accident, and woke up in the hospital. Looking around, he noticed a doctor leaning over his bed. "...