Wednesday, July 23, 2008

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Saturday, July 5, 2008

Kids Say ...... ...!!!!!

1 NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

2 OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

3 SAUCE
A woman was trying hard to get the tomato sauce out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mummy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

4 MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

5 POLICE #
1While taking a routine vandalism report at an Infants school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?""Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" Yes, that's right," I told her."Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

6 POLICE #
2It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the Station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked."It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

7 ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly citizens, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

8 DRESS-UPA
little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her Dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, Darling?""You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "

9 DEATH
While walking along the footpath in front of his church, our Minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmateshad found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton wool, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The Minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes."

10 SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time, Mum," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"11 BIBLEA little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages."Mama, look what I found," the boy called out."What have you got there, dear?"With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "Ithink it's Adam's underwear!"

Thursday, July 3, 2008

DON'T LOSE HOPE

*Ek Gadha:- Yaar mera malik mujhe bahut maarta hai.

*Dusara Gadha:- To tu bhag kyu nahi jata.

Pehla Gadha:- Bhag to jata.. par yahan future bada bright hai ...malik ki khoobsurat beti jab shararat karti hai to malik kahta hai,'Teri shaadi gadhe se kar dunga...!'*

*Bas isi ummeed me baitha hoon........ **

Moral- Keeping Hopes may not improve your future, but it will certainly reduce the pain of Today !!!*

perrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a greatsense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst, " and motions him over with one wing.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously.

"THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...." Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

Contribution for Boss

Employees of a Company are all worried. Some are roaming around. Some are in loud discussions during office time.....

Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happened to a senior employee, They ask, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped our Boss" They're asking for a Rs.500 Crores ransom, otherwise they're going to douse him with petrol and set him on fire. We're going from desk to desk, taking up a collection."

One Trainee asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?

"About 10 litres."

M.B.A Student (vs) B.E Student

This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition organized in Britain..... .
A MBA and a BE student go on a camping trip,

set up their tent, and fell asleep.

Some hours later, the BE wakes his MBA friend and says:

"Look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."
The BE asks, "What does that tell you?"
The MBA ponders for a minute..
"Astronomically speaking,

it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?"

The BE is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Practically. ..Someone has stolen our tent".
"ENGINEERING = 100% COMMON SENSE"JAI HO ALL ENGINEERS.

Girls diary v/s Boys diary

Girl's Diary VS boy's Diary
HER DIARY
------------ ------
Day night, I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day long, soIely thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversatio n wasn't flowing soI suggested that we go some where quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.

I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it hadnothing to do with me and not to worry.On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love u,too."


When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed distant and absent.Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided that I could not take it anymore,
so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.

I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is gonna be a disaster.

____________ _________ _________ _

HIS DIARY
==========
Today India lost the cricket match against bangladesh. DAMNIT.

Note:Simplicity of Men Vs Complexity of Women !!!

Chicken story (mind blowing climax)

SUSPECT ULTIMATE

A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.

Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.

Young cock : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.

Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?

Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.

Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.

Young cock :O.K. What kind of competition?

Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.

Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.

Suddenly, Bang! ...... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !"

they are building a brothel

Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development. "

At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.

Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very likely that for tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems, when he says anything that appears rude, to get up and leave the class room"

Everybody agreed to this plan. Next day, teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment?

Go ahead Anita" Anita:"Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk."

Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes Koosie!"

Koosie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home"

Teacher: "Excellent, thank you Koosie!" At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the teacher asks : "Oh heavens, tell me Johnny what new development is being built near your home."

Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel" As all the young ladies get up and proceed to leave,
Little Johnny says, "Hey relax you little whores, it has’nt opened yet!"

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

affair

The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joy ful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

The 3th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 4th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought. He glanced at the menu and asked,
"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 5th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to," his wife replied. "No,"

he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

Some Women funny facts

They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love;
after marriage it is self-defense

It is difficult to understand GOD.
He makes such beautiful things aswomen..and then he turns them into Wives !!!!

Q: What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
A: Magnets have a positive side!

It's funny when people discuss LOVE MARRIAGE Vs ARRANGED.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered

A person who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
A person who SURRENDERS when not SURE, is WISE..
A person who surrenders even if he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND.!

Johnny Strikes Again

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating. '

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because Johnny had burned her before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

10 ways you know you've had good sex....

1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.
2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies. 3
. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.
4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.
5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.
6 You've both gone down one clothing size.
7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.
8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.
9. Boy, are you hungry!
10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

This Is *" G U L F "**


This Is *" G U L F "**


Local calls are free Petrol is cheaper than water, Payment for drainage too

* Any building construction finishes in 3 months

* Unqualified get more salary than Qualified

* Show-off matters more than real quality & performance

* Labourers are paid less than what they can earn back in their own country

* Companies can kick out their employees without any reason

* Wastas (recommendation) are more powerful than money

* Cleaners have more Wasta than officers

* Watchman has more Rights than the Building Owner

* Office boy & Drivers have more influence on Boss than Manager

* Gulf climate changes so fast, in one hour u can see raining, dust storm,hot / humid / chilling weather

* Gulf is located in desert, still u find greenery everywhere

* If u can't earn money in the Gulf, u can't earn anywhere in the world

* In Gulf, time goes very fast, Friday to Friday comes u never know, its sooo fast

* Every bachelor has a dream of getting married and buying a house in India

* U love your parents, friends, relatives 100 times more than when you were together

* Being at home is more painful than being at work

* Indians appear/pretend to be more religious/God fearing than they reallyare

* Theatres are full of Arab nationals whenever there is a movie of Salman /Sharukh

* Gulf girls sing Hindi songs but don't understand anything

* Prostitutes available, but cheaper than beggars

* Dance Bars and Pubs more than that in B'lore

* A ladies hair saloon every 5 meters

* Food/Grocery delivery to the car

* A Starbucks every 10 meters

* Hard Rock Cafe with no alcohol

* In one single flate sharing with 5 families

* A Shopping Mall located every 2 km

* Highway lanes differentiated for slow & fast drivers

* Getting a license is more difficult than buying a car

* Smashed cars are more than bugs

* Parking charge: 2 Dirham for 1 hour - 5 Dirham for 2 hours & so on

* No Queues for women TRAFFIC SIGNAL IN GULF:

* GREEN : Signal to go for Indians

* YELLOW : Signal to go for Egyptians and Pakistanis, Americans, Europeans

* RED : Signal to go for Kuwaitis, Saudis , Palestinians & Lebanese

Wonderful Poem

Wonderful Poem A grade 5 teacher one day asked the children in her class to make rhymes with their names.

First up was Dan. A very adventurous child.My name is Dan,When I grow up to be a man,I want to go to India and Japan,If I can, If I can, If I can."Very good", the teacher said to Dan. She then asked Sally that it was now her turn.

My name is Sally,When I grow up to be a lady,I want to have a baby If I can, if I can, if I can."That is good Sally," the teacher said. "But maybe one day you will change your mind."Next up was Glenn.

He was the naughty one in the class. Here is his rhyme:My name is Glenn,When I grow up to be a man,Never mind India and Japan,I'm gonna help Sally with her plan,I know I can, I can, I can.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

A Tough Question

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Montecassino went tothe local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said,'Father ... during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied, 'That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question.'

'And what is that, my son?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?'

oneliners

Boy 2 God: Give me a pocket full of money, A job & a big vehicle full of girls.
God replied: your wish is fullfilled
He became a bus conductor of karachi university point.