Sunday, December 1, 2013

Go Fuck

A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some
weeping willow trees. 

The man takes out a cigarette and lights it. His grandson says , "Grandpa, Can I try some of your cigarette?" "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he says. "No," says the little boy. "Then you're not big enough." 

A few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer our of his cooler and opens it. The little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have
some of your beer?" "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?", he says. "No," says the little boy. "Then you're not old enough." 

Time passes and they continue to fish. The little boy gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one. The grandfather looks at him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I have one of your cookies?" "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" says the little boy. "I most certainly can!" says the grandfather. "Then go fuck yourself," says the boy, "These are my cookies!"

Smart Ass Jokes 2013

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead..'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. 
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas...'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2013!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

The Triple Filter Test


In ancient Greece, Socrates was a great philosopher and  widely acclaimed for his wisdom. 


One day, a friend ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students called Plato?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me anything,
I' would like you to answer a few test questions.

It's called the Triple Filter Test".

―Triple filter?" asked the friend.

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, I am going to ask you three questions‖
The first Filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure
that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you are not sure if it's true or not.

Now let's try the second filter, the Filter of Goodness.
Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?

"No, on the contrary...‖ said the man.

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"


The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass the Triple Filter test though, because there is a third filter - the Filter of usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really...‖

"Well," concluded Socrates,
"if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good, nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Simple Idea


Bill and Sarah were Londoners and were blessed with seven healthy children. After many months of discussion, they finally decided to move to New York. It should have been a simple enough move, but when they arrived, they had great difficulty finding a suitable apartment to live in.

Although many were big enough, the landlords always seemed to object to such a large family living there. If only Bill wasn't so honest about the size of his family!

After several days of unsuccessful searching, Bill had an idea. He told Sarah to take the four younger children to visit the local cemetery while he went with the older three children to find an apartment. After looking for most of the morning, Bill found a place that was ideal.
The landlord asked him, "How many children do you have?"

Bill answered with a deep sigh, "Seven . . . but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."

He got the apartment!

What Woman wants ? fact of the year 2013



Every man believes every woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While a recent sociological study verified this, what men don't realize is that, in women's fantasies, one man cooks while the other cleans
!

Funny Matrimonial Ads


These are ads taken from actual matrimonial sites - guys searching for brides. Grammar and spell errors have no place in a profile description as everything is straight from the heart! Disclaimer : I am not responsible if you forget your basic grammar after reading this.....
*****
hello.... My name Arthi..... I am a good characterized woman. I want to run my life happily. I expect the good minded and clean habits boy to marry me soon.... who may be in the same caste . If anyone want to Marie to me u can visit to my home (Ghar Chale aana........???)
*****
Hello, To Viewers My Name is Shekhar , I am single i don't have female, I am not a good education but i working all field in Bangalore.. if u like me u welcome to my heart...when ever u want to meet pls visit my resident or send u letter.. Thanks yours Regards Shekhar
*****
I want very simple girl. from Brahmin educated family from orissa state she is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework (Homework?)
*****
Wants a woman who knows me better and can adjust with me forever. she may never create any difficulties in my life or her life by which the entire life can run smoothly. thank you (The principle of running life smoothly was never so easy!)
*****
She should be good looking and should have a service. she Should have one brother and one sister. she should be educated. (ain't it unique !! 1 brother 1 sister criteria !)
*****
I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I love to make friendship. Because friendship is a first step of love. I am looking for my dream girl who will love me more than i. Because i love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on ........hold my hand forever !!! (The dilwale dulhaniya effect)
*****
I am simple boy. I have lot of problem in my life because of my luck now i am looking one gal she care me and love me lot lot (I don't know why but this is one of my favorites)
*****
My wife should be as 'Shivani' as in Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki and as Tanwerr as in KSBKBT...... (Ok I haven't seen these soaps but I am sure he must be demanding too much,ain't he?)
*****
I want a girl with no drinks if she wants she can wear jeans in house but while stepping out of house she should give respect to our cast (by not wearing her jeans? Wat the hell...)
*****
HYE I AM A GOOD LOOKING BOY ,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO LAUGH'S BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL MESSENGER OF GOD.
THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A GIRL ,THEY ARE 1.THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFESSION AND THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LAUGH. (all of us are loughing{laughing})
*****
Whatever she may be but she should feel that she is going to be someone bride and she must think of the future life if she is too like this she would be called the woman of the lamp (I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this boy wants)
*****
I love my partner i marriage the partner ok i search my partner and i love the partner ok thik hai the partner has a graduate ok (I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is suffering from "Ok-syndrome")
*****
HI I AM VERY COOL NUATHER OK MY HOBBY IS SEE TV AND NEWS OK I HAVE 1 CAR AND 1 BOWL OK MY MOTHER ALSO GOOD OK MY FARUET WORLD IS OK (the "ok syndrome" again)
*****
I am pran my family history my two brother two sister and Father&mother sister complity marred (somebody please explain in comments section how to get married 'completely'?)
*****
I am very simple and honest. i have three sister one brother and parent. iam doing postal service and tailor master my original residence at kalahandi diste naw iam staing at rayagada dist. (actually what is this guy doing? Postal service or tailor.??)
*****
My name is muhamad and i am unmarried. please you marriage me please please please please please please please (height of desperation! J )
*****
I want one girl who love me or my mother. she love me heartily or she have frank she's skin color 'normal' not a black or not a whitey. I Think the main think is heart if your heart is beautiful then you are beautiful. but iam not a handsome guy or not a good looking. but my Mom say that Iam a good guy. My father already expired . THE CHOICE IS YOUR. bye bye. (uttama purushan)
*****
Iam kanan. i do owo businas.one sistar.he was marred. (No comments)
*****
I AM LITTLE FAIR INDIAN COLOR. I DON'T HAVE ANY HABIT. (maybe the poor guy meant BAD habits)
*****
My color is black, but my heart is white. I like social service (Zebra..???)
*****
I'm looking out for who lives in Bombay, girl simple who trust me lot should be roman catholic, LOVE ME ONLY. (Now that criterion is a must, isn't it?)
*****
To be married on jun-2006. working woman preferable (this guy has fixed the marriage date too! But he is yet to find a bride. I wish him best of luck on behalf of all of us. I am sure he will get one soon.)
*****
I would like a beautiful girl. and I do not want her any treasure. because girl is the maharani. (Now she is going to be a lucky girl! Any takers?)
*****
ssc failed three times and worked with private ltd company which not paying salary at present. (Any takers again?)
*****

Terrrific quotes ( One liner ) of 2013


1. A good discussion is like a miniskirt, Short enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject!
************
2. Love is photogenic it needs darkness to develop.
************
3.Children in backseats cause accidents, Accidents in backseats cause children!
************
4."Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep!
************
5.There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning!
************
6."ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY", So what? Who's in a hurry?
************
7."Hard work never killed anybody", But why take the risk! (I don't want to be an exception!)
************
8."Work fascinates me", I can sit and watch it for hours!
************
9.God made relatives, Thank God we can choose our friends.
************
10.My girlfriend ran away with my best friend and I really am sorry for him!
************
11.God is Alive! Speak to Him!, (It's cheaper after 9.30 p.m.!)
************
12.When two's company, three's the result!
************
13.A designer dress is like a barbed fence, It protects the premises without restricting the view!
************ 


Friday, April 12, 2013

Mother in Law!


A small farm boy was milking his cow when all of a sudden a bull came charging towards him. As horrified workers nearby watched, the boy calmly continued his milking. To everyone's astonishment, the bull stopped a few inches from the boy, turned around and walked away . 
Werent you afraid? one of the workers asked the boy.
Not at all, the boy replied , I knew this cow was his mother-in-law.

Marriage Secrets (Don't Laugh)


My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last...


Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.


We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Mumbai, mine is in Chennai.


I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.



I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"



We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.



She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!", so I bought her an electric chair.


My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."



My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!


She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...



She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

Best jokes of 2013


A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, 

he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?'
'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't..'
'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'
'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where
the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house.
'We observe all union rules.'
The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'
'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.'
'That's more like it!' the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room,
and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde .
'I'd like her,' he said.
'I'm sure you would, sir,' ...said the Madam.
Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner,
'...but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to
union rules, she's next.'

*************************************************
Number 2
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, Kissed him ever so gently,
unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.


Gates of Heaven


Michael, Francis and Ubaldo are standing at the Gates of Heaven being interviewed by St. Peter.

"Ok you, Michael, how many times did you cheat on your wife??"
"Let me be honest Peter. I've been seeing at least two or three different women a year all my married life".
"Ok, your car in heaven is that Hyundai Santro there. Goodbye."
St. Peter turns to Francis, "How many times did you cheat on your wife??"
Francis replies, "I must admit that in fifteen years of marriage I did cheat on my wife twice."
St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that Honda Civic. Here are the keys. Get going!"
He then looks at Ubaldo, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife??"
Ubaldo lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that in over twenty years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife. In fact, my beloved has been dead for two years now and I remained celibate the whole time!"
St Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that BMW Z4-M Roadster convertible. Goodbye!"

Michael and Francis have driven off and are in a car park nearby waiting for their friend. Ubaldo turns up in his BMW but he is crying his heart out.

Michael asks, "Arrre! What's the matter with you? We should be crying. We're stuck with these cheaper models and you got an expensive BMW!"

Between sobs Ubaldo explains, "I just saw my wife driving a Nano!" 

Monday, April 8, 2013

PHAANSI


Police Officer ek khooni se keheta hai
 
Aaj tumhara aakhri din hai. kal tumhe phaansi ho jayega. tumhara aakhri ichcha kya hai ?
 
Khooni keheta hai : mera pyre upar aur ser neeche karke phaansi dijiye

CHARACTER


Master :
Bachchon, agar aapko apna Character sudharna hai toh, har aurat ko apni MAA samjho.
 
 
Student :
Lekin isse hamare baap ka Character bigad jayega !!!!

Toilet Paper Therapy(16+)


A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror.

This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.  "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.  The wife stops.  "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

The husband shrugs.  "Why not, it worked for your bums, didn't it?

BANK & BRA



 
BANK  &  BRA
============
 
 
 
SIMILARITY
 
Dono ke andar jitna maal jyada, utna interest jyada.
 
 
DIFFERENCE
 
bra se maal nikaal ne ke baad interest aata hai aur
bank se maal nikaal ne ke baad interest khatam.

Hotel Room


Mary Sue was visiting the big city for the first time. She checks into her hotel and the bellboy takes her bags. She follows the boy, and as the door closes, she looks around and shakes her fist
at him.

"Young man -- I may be old and straight from the Village, but that don't mean I'm stupid! I paid *good* money and this room won't do at ALL! It's too small, there's no ventilation, no TV -- there's
not even a BED!"

"Ma'am, this is the elevator."

Why wedding dresses are white


Why wedding dresses are white
IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS!

Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies, 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.' The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father. 
 
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and TAKES him on a walkabout, he shows him the fridge and asks him what is the colour, to which the son replies: ' WHITE '. He does the same for the dishwasher, the washing machine, the stove, etc etc.

Then he tells the son:'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

Banta Again


Banta comes to Australia and goes to Woolworths (A grocery store in Australia). He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.

The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids.

He asks Santa to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Banta goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week Banta finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids.

He asks Santa to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. Banta goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

Next week Banta comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out. He shouts at Banta: This is shit you .. and Banta calmly replies: Yes, and I want toilet paper.


Peanuts


A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway

when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.


She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.


After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands

him another handful of peanuts.


She repeats this gesture about five more times.



When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old

lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.


'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.


The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?' The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

Marvel that is an Engineer


Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.

[2] Marvel that is an Engineer - Exact

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

[3] Marvel that is an Engineer - Discriminative

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

[4] Marvel that is an Engineer - Probing Mind

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

[5] Marvel that is an Engineer - Detailed

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints. "Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer.

The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections. The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

[6] Marvel that is an Engineer - Perfectionist

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it is perfect, then expand it and add more features until it breaks.

[7] Marvel that is an Engineer - Values

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[8] Marvel that is an Engineer - Resilient

Wanted A Wife Matrimonial Ads


A news paper had a humour page with following matrimonials published in it.

BANKER: Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.

CAR MECHANIC: Wanted a sturdy wife. Should be in working condition. Should be above average and must run the household at a good average.

DOCTOR: Recently a love-bug injected in me a strange bacteria, making me desirous of marriage. I'm looking for a girl who is patient and has knowledge of all ills and pills, is religious minded and keeps away from all sins be it anasin, metasin or crosin. I promise to be a good doctor with no side effects. Apply or reply.

DRUNKER: Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a soda factory. I am an occasional alchoholic who drinks only when friends come home. Friends come home only seven times a week. Girl preffered will carry me from bar to ghar-bar. Meet personally or send soda for trial. Sample should be ample.

LAWYER: I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord I.e. Myself. Any objection would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in confidence and if you have the confidence.

SOFTWARE ENGINEER: Wanted a Girl with a Lovely Look & Feel, Good GUI with Security features (privileges only for the Specific User especially critical Functionalities).

There must not be any Critical or Medium Bug in her.
LowBugs can be deferred But needs to B fixed by the Next Build. She Must not be PLATFORM INDEPENDENT, USER FRIENDLY. We are ready to Test the Application & CERTIFY the product but we will assure it will never be released to ANY OTHER Customer.

Small and sweet jokes



1) My nights are going sleepless, my days are going useless. So I asked God, "Is this love ?" God replied, "No dear, exam is near."

2) Harbhajan starts raising his bat on 35 runs. Dravid said what happened, it's not yet 50 or 100. Harbhajan - yes, but the students understand the importance of scoring 35.

3) What is the similarity between the circus and a beautiful girl's heart ?
Ans.- Both have space for one more clown.....

4) True love is like a pillow. You can put your head on its shoulders When you are in trouble, you can cry on it When you are in pain, you can embrace it when you are happy. Want true love ? Spend Rs.50/- BUY A PILLOW....... .

5) Teacher- What are the people of turkey called ?
Student- I don't know.
Teacher- They are called Turks.
Teacher- What are the people of Germany called ?
Student- They are called Germs.....

6) Sardar looking at Egyptian mummy.
Sardar 1 - Look, so many bandages, pakka truck accident case hai.

Sardar 2 - Aaho, truck number bhi likha hai. B.C. 1760

7) Aek ladka old man ko cycle ki takkar maar deta hai. Old man ladke ko 1 rupiya de kar bola- beta, andhe ko paise dena punya ka kaam hota hai.


Always look for simple solutions



Case # 1 : One of the most memorable case studies on Japanese management was the case of the empty soapbox, which happened in one of Japan 's biggest cosmetics companies. The company received a complaint that a consumer had bought a soapbox that was empty.
Immediately the authorities isolated the problem to the assembly Line, which transported all the packaged boxes of soap to the delivery department. For some reason, one soapbox went through the assembly line empty.
Management asked its engineers to solve the problem.
Solution # 1 : Post-haste, the engineers worked hard to devise an X-ray machine with high-resolution monitors manned by two people to watch all the soapboxes that passed through the line to make sure they were not empty. No doubt, they worked hard and they worked fast but they spent a whoopee amount to do so.

Solution # 2 : But when a rank-and-file employee in a small company was posed with the same problem, he did not get into complications of X-rays,
etc., but instead came out with another solution.
He bought a strong industrial electric fan and pointed it at the assembly line. He switched the fan on, and as each soapbox passed the fan, it simply blew the empty boxes out of the line.

*******************************************************************

Case # 2 : When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the pens would not work at zero gravity (ink will not flow down to the writing surface).
Solution # 1 : To solve this problem, it took them one decade and $12 million. They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, in practically any surface including crystal and in a
temperature range from below freezing to over 300 degrees C.
Solution # 2 : And what did the Russians do...?? They used a pencil.

Moral
Always look for simple solutions.
Devise the simplest possible solution that solves the problems.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

English Language

 


Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

In what other language do people drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?

Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?

Why is it that when we transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when we transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Why are people who ride motorcycles called bikers and people who ride bikes called cyclists?

In what other language do thay call the third hand on the clock the second hand?

Why is it called a TV set when you get only one?

Why - in our crazy language - can your nose run and your feet smell?

Sometimes you have to believe that all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane:

If olive oil is made of olives, what do they make baby oil from?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian consume?

A writer is someone who writes, and a stinger is something that stings.

But fingers don't fing and grocers don't groce.

If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth?

If the teacher taught, why isn't it also true that the preacher praught?

If harmless actions are the opposite of harmful actions, why are shameless and shameful behavior the same?

English is a language in which you can turn a light on and you can turn a light off and you can turn a light out, but you can't turn a light in;

In which the sun comes up and goes down, but prices go up and come down.

In which your nose can simultaneously burn up and burn down and your car can slow up and slow down, in which you can fill in a form by filling out a form and in which your alarm clock goes off by going on.

English is a crazy language. What is it that when the sun or the moon or the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible?; and why when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I shall end it?

The fiction department

 

Prospective husband : Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?

Sales girl : The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

..............................................

Said to a railroad engineer:
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.

The reply from the railroad engineer:
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?
..............................................

They say true love hides behind every Corner...

I must be walking in Circles !
..............................................

Last night I was looking at the stars,

And I was wondering where the heck is my ceiling!
..............................................

Men Are Hard To Please ( MUST READ GIRLS :-)

 

If u TREAT him nicely, he says u are IN LOVE with him;

If u Don't , he says u are PROUD .


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If u DRESS Nicely , he says u are trying to LURE him;

If u Don't , he says u are from VILLAGE .


*******

If u ARGUE with him, he says u are STUBBORN ;

If u keep QUIET , he says u have no BRAINS .


*******

If u are SMARTER than him, he'll lose FACE;

If he's Smarter than u, he is GREAT .


*******

If u don't L ove him, he tries to POSSESS u;

If u Love him! , he will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?)


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If u don't make love with him., he says u don't Love him;

If u do !! he says u are CHEAP.


*******

If u tell him your PROBLEM , he says u are TROUBLESOME;

If u don't , he says that u don't TRUST him.


*******

If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to him;

If he SCOLDS u, it is because he CARES for u.


*******

If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;

If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do so.


*******

If u SMOKE , u are BAD girl;

If he SMOKES, he is GENTLEMAN.


*******

If u do WELL in your exams, he says it's LUCK ;

If he does WELL , it's BRAINS.


*******

If u HURT him, u are CRUEL;

If he HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE!! & sooo hard to please!!!!!

*******

Santa best jokes

 
Titanic was sinking.

An englishman asked Santa, "How far is land"?
Santa: 2 KMs.

Englishman jumped into sea.
Englishman: Now, which direction?

Santa: Downwards!


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Two days of powercut in Delhi had made life miserable. Worst affected was Delhi Metro station where families of Santa & Banta were struck for 48 hrs on escalators.

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How did santa tried to kill a bird??

He took it to the top of a building and dropped it from there to die.


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Santa: I have swallowed a kay.

Doctor: When?

Santa: 3 months back!

Doctor: What were you doing till now?

Santa: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too.


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Santa was drawing money from ATM. Banta, who was just behind him in the line said: I've seen ur password. It's ****. Santa: U r wrong. It's 1394.


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Santa falls in love with a nurse... After much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her: "I luv u sister."


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Santa asked Banta: Why Manmohan Singh goes for a walk in evening?

Banta: Very simple, because he is PM not AM.


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Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?

Pappu: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.


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A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell.

Santa doesn't turns up for 4 days.

Lady calls again, Santa replies: I'm coming daily since 4 days, I press the bell but no one comes out.

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Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatos 5 days ago, he hasn't came back yet!

Santa: Why don't u cook something else? .


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An Englishman and santa inside the toilet.

Englishman: Good evening, how do u do?

Santa: Good evening, we open the zip and do!


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Santa opened a petrol pump, but not even one customer went there. You know why?

Because he opened petrol pump on second floor..


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Ultimate answer while changing the job.

Interviewer: Why did you changed your last job?

Santa: Because the company shifted and didn't tell me where.


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Santa and Banta went for a drive.

Santa: Hey, look out from the window, are the indicators working or not?

Banta puts his head out & says "Yes-No, Yes-No, Yes-No, Yes-No!!!"


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Santa's wife dies. He is calm, but his wife's lover is crying furiously...

Finally, santa consoles him: Don't worry buddy, I will marry again.


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Why did santa keep the door open while bathing?

Because he was afraid that someone might watch him from the key hole.


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Santa phoned his wife: I am not coming home. The steering, dash board, gears of car have been stolen.

After sometime he calls again: I am coming, earlier I sat on the back seat..

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Blonde jokes

 

Mickey was in a bar having a drink, and the barmaid was one sexy looking blonde lady!
He slapped a ten spot on the table and said, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom." 


She knew the bathroom was around the corner so she accepted the bet. He took his glass eye out, placed it beside the drink and went to the bathroom. "Bet you I can bite my own ear," Mickey challenged next. 

The bet was accepted. He took out his false teeth & nipped his ear. Once more he scooped up the money. "Okay," he said, "I'll give you a chance to win your money back. 

I bet I can make love to you so tenderly you won't feel a thing." Now that was one thing she knew about, so she accepted the bet. Mickey lifted her skirt & away they went. "I can feel you." she giggled.
"Oh well," he grinned, "You win some, you lose some!!" 

Bohemian woman

 
Up the bar one morning, the bartender turned around and noticed two customers had entered while he was in the back room. Approaching the gentleman first the bartender asked,

"What can I get for you Sir", the man answered,

"Well, get me a beer and get that Bohemian woman at the end of the bar a drink.

The woman, surprised by her free drink, raised her cocktail in the air and signaled a "Thank You" to her unknown sponsor.

Noticing that the man's beer was near empty, the bartender asked if the man wanted a refill, he replied,

"Sure, and get that Bohemian woman another drink."

This went on and on until each had had plenty to drink. The Bohemian woman yelled in a drunken stupor to the man at the bar,

"Could you come over he're fur a min...minute?"

The man stumbled to the end of the bar where the woman said,

"God Damnit, I just wanted to say Th..Thanks for all th drinkz, you do'nnnt eeeven knooow me!! Can I
just ask you one questi on?"

"sh sh ure"

"What makes you thin k I am BoBooh eemi an?"

The man replied, "Well that's eeeasy maa'am...on...one of yuorrr tits is haaanging out of youuurrr dress..."

"Oh Shiiit!!! I left the Baaby on the Bus!!!!"


***************************************************************
A teenager:


A teenager was on his way to his way home from school, and he was thinking about later on that evening. He was going to girlfriend's house for dinner with her family, where he was going to meet them for the first time. He had a really good feeling that tonight was going to
be the ''big night''. 

So he went to the pharmacy on his way home from school and was trying to decide if he wanted a box of 6, 10, or 20 condoms. So he asked the pharmacist, what should i do? I'm having dinner with my girlfriend and we will be all alone after her family leaves, so I wonder what box I
should get. The pharmacist and the boy discuss it and finally the boy got the box of 20. That night at the table, right before they eat, the family were all sitting there praying.

The girlfriend leaned over to her boyfriend, who was praying and concentrating very hard and said, ''You never told me you were so religious!'' And the boy leaned over to her and said, ''You never told me your father was a pharmacist!''


**************************************************************
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
California?Oregon? Switzerland? Most believe it originated in Switzerland, and here's the real version.
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father,
 "Who is that man going into the barn?"
"That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needs a place to stay for the night, so I said he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour.
Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair
all messed up. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she  broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night !"
"What ?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, " I'm going to get you ! You had sex with my daughter ! "
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to
his mouth, and yelled out," LAIDTHEOLADEETOO "

Fastest thing in the World

 
Guys in the University were to be interviewed for a prestigious job... One common
question was asked to all 4 of them.


INTERVIEWER: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?

YALE guy: Its light, Nothing can travel faster than light

HARVARD Guy: It's the Thought; because thought is so fast it comes instantly in
your mind.

MIT guy: Its Blink, you can blink and its hard to realize you blinked

SANTA SINGH: Its Loose motion

INTERVIEWER: (Shocked to hear Santa's reply, asked) "WHY"?

SANTA SINGH: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the
worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON
THE LIGHTS, it was over!!!!

BOLO TARA RA RA HOYE.....

Singh is King joke of 2013

 

Each Friday night after work, Santa Singh would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs. But, all of his neighbours were strict Catholics ... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest. The Priest came to visit Santa, and suggested that he become a Catholic. 


After several classes and much study, Santa attended Mass ... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Sikh, and raised a Sikh, but now, you are a Catholic."

Santa's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived. The wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighbourhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Santa's backyard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Santa, holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted: "Oye, you waz born a chicken, and you waz born a lamb, you waz raised a chicken, and you waz raised a lamb but now yara(dear), you are a potato and tomato"!

-- Singh is King...

The FBI assassin

 
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

Two men and a woman..

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of The men to a large metal door and handed Him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting In a chair . . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could Never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man For this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was Quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one After another. They heard screaming, crashing, Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to Beat him to death with the chair.'

Does Management know their Staff ?

 
Does Management know their Staff?



On walking into the factory, the Managing Director of the company
noticed a young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing.


He approached the young man and calmly said to him,
"How much do you earn?"


The young man was quite amazed
that he was asked such a personal question,
he replied, none the less, "I earn $ 2000.00 a month,
Sir. Why?"


Without answering, the MD took out his wallet
and removed $6000.00 cash and gave it to the young man and said,
"Around here I pay people for working,
not for standing around looking pretty!


Here is your 3 months salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".

The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.



Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner,
"And that applies to everybody in this company".



He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man
I just fired?"


To which an amazing reply came - "He was the pizza delivery guy , Sir!"

How to Catch A Lion old one but good one

 

Newton 's Method:

Let, the lion catch you.
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Implies you caught lion.

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Einstein Method:

Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.
Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon.
Now you can trap it easily.

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Software Engineer Method:

Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion.
If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.

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Indian Police Method:

Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion .

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Rajnikanth Method :

Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime.
The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.

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Jayalalitha Method:

Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping !

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Manirathnam Method (director):

Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark room with a single candle lighted.
Keep murmuring something in its ears.
The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

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Karan Johar Method (director):

Send a lioness into the forest.
Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other.
Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion.
First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness.
But 2nd lioness loves both lions.
Now send another lioness (third) into the forest.
You don't understand right... Ok....read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont!

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Yash Chopra method (director):

Take the lion to Australia or US.. And kill it in a good scenic location.

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Govinda method:

Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days. The Lion will drop dead just watching!

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Menaka Gandhi method:

Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.

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George bush method:

Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him!!!

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Ravi Shastri method:

Ask the lion to bowl at u.
U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run
Lion tired and surrenders

Banta jokes for year 2013

 
Banta to Doctor : Doctor Sahab! Mein apna dimag daan karna chahta hu.
Doctor : Hoga to hum le lenge .

Son to Dad : Papa, Mein itna bada kab hounga ki mein mummy se bina puche bahar ja saku?
Papa : Beta abhi itna bada to mein bhi nahi hua!!!

Autowala to Santa : Sahab, 100 rupaye ho gaye.
Santa ne 50 rupaye autowale ko de diye.
Autowala : Sahab ye to gundagardi hai, meter ki hisab se 100 rupaye hue hai.
Santa : Tu bhi to baithkar aaya hai, tera kiraya bhi kya mujhe dena parega!!!

Ek din Santa ne apni premika ko himmat jutakar keh dala - I love you.
Premika(Gusse se) : Jara pyar se nahi keh sakte?
Santa : I love you Didi!!!!

Girl : Tum ladke kisi bhi ladki me sabse pehle kya dekhte ho?
Boy : Ye to depend karta hai ki ladki aa rahi hai ya ja rahi hai!!


Dur gaon me jab maa baap sote nahi the,
to bacha kehta hai, so ja bapu,
so ja, warna ek aur ho jayega!!!

Girl-to-Boy - Aaye bewafe tune sab kuch saaf kar diya,
mera dil jala kar rakh kar diya
Boy-to-Girl - Aye ladki, teri kurbani bekar nahi jayegi,
bhej de rakh mujhe, bartan manjne ke kaam aayegi.


Pati aur patni ghumne gaye. Raaste me ek gadhe ko ghaas kata
dekh patni ne pati se kaha - Oo G tumhara rishtedaar ghaas
kha raha hai, namaste karo.
Pati - Namaste Sasur Ji

Santa ne Banta se kaha,"Sabse bada challenge kya hai?"
Banta replied - Answer sheet ko khaali chod do aur last me likh dena,
paas karke dikha.

Frog: Tumhare paas dimaag nahin hai.
Bhola: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai.
Bhola: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai and jumps into the well.
Bhola: Isme suicide karne waali kya baat thi.?


Teacher : Santa batao `M' for kya hota hai?
Santa : Sir, Mother!
Teacher : Right! Aab batao W for kya hota hai?
Santa kuch sochne lagta hai
Teacher : Santa kya soch rahe ho?
Santa : Sir, mein yeh soch raha tha ki Maa ulti kaise ho gayi?


Teacher : Santa ye batao tense kitne tarah ke hote hai?
Santa : Teen maidam.
Teacher : Teeno ke ek-ek example batao.
Santa : Madam, meine kal aapki beti ko dekha tha. Aaj mein ussey pyar karta hu aur kal mein ussey bhaga kar le jaunga.

If a STUDENT makes a mistake ?

 

If a BARBER makes a mistake, it's a new style.....................



If a DRIVER makes a mistake, it's an accident.....................



If a DOCTOR makes a mistake, it's an operation....................



If an ENGINEER makes a mistake, it is a new venture...............



If a POLITICIAN makes a mistake, it is a new law..................



If a SCIENTIST makes a mistake, it is a new invention.............



If a TAILOR makes a mistake, it is a new fashion..................



If a TEACHER makes a mistake, it is a new theory..................



If a STUDENT makes a mistake, it is a "MISTAKE" !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ohh The Chinese Names !!!

 
Ohhhhhh, The Chinese Names


Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sum Wan ..And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious, but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Lee.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!