Tuesday, December 30, 2008

blond

4 hightech blonde inventions:---

Waterproof towel ---
Solar powered-----
flashlight---
Book on how to read ----
Pedal powered wheel chair.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did the blonde cut the sides of the capsule before taking it?
To avoid side effects.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde man proposed to a girl. The girl said, "I'm a year older than you."
Blonde man said, "OK, no problem, I'll marry you next year."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why was the blonde writing the exam near the door? Because it was an
entrance exam.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde's son: Dad, there is some one at the door collecting
donations for a swimming pool.
Blonde dad: Give him a glass of water.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blonde:I am a proud father, my son is in medical college.
Redhead: Really, what is he studying?
Blonde: He is not studying, they are studying him.

Monday, December 29, 2008

joke of the today

An agriculture student said to a farmer: "Your methods are too old-fashioned. I wouldn't be surprised if this tree gave you less than twenty pounds of apples."

"Wouldn't surprise me, either," said the farmer, "this is an mango tree".

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Chritmas gifts

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began
praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."

"I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."

"I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and
said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied,

"No, but Grandma is!

************************************************************************************
************************************************************************************

Santa's Jigsaw sex toy shop 'Twas the night before Christmas--
Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH

A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.
Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't
want to pay for it."

But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining,
he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house.
Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas
tree. "How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks.

"I didn't cut it down," the father replies.
"I got it at a tree lot."

"Then why did you bring an axe?"

"Because I didn't want to pay."

Monday, December 22, 2008

Reasons Why We Indians Cannot be Terrorists


1. We are always late; we would have missed all 4 flights.

2. We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves.

3. With free food & drinks on the plane, we would forget why we're There

4. We talk with our hands;therefore we would have to put our weapons down.

5. We would ALL want to fly the plane.

6. We would argue and start a fight in the plane.

7. We can't keep a secret; we would have told everyone a week before doing it.

8. We would have put our country's flag on the windshield.

9. We would have postponed the mission because a cricket match was going on that day

10. We would all have fallen over each other to be in the photograph being taken with one of the hostages.

Marriage life

Monica married Hitesh this day. At the end of the wedding party, Monica's mother gave her a newly opened bank saving passbook with Rs.1000 deposit amount. Mother: 'Monica, take this passbook. Keep it as a record of your marriage life.

When there's something happy and memorable happened in your new life, put some money in. Write down what it's about next to the line. The more memorable the event is, the more money you can put in. I've done the first one for you today. Do the others with Hitesh.
When you look back after years, you can know how much happiness you've had.'
Monica shared this with Hitesh when getting home.

They both thought it was a great idea and were anxious to know when the second deposit can be made. This was what they did after certain time:

- 7 Feb: Rs.100, first birthday celebration for Hitesh after marriage
- 1 Mar: Rs.300, salary raise for Monica
- 20 Mar: Rs.200, vacation trip to Bali
- 15 Apr: Rs.2000, Monica got pregnant - 1 Jun: Rs.1000, Hitesh got promoted
..... and so on...

However, after years, they started fighting and arguing for trivial things. They didn't talk much. They regretted that they had married the most nasty people in the world.... no more love...
Kind of typical nowadays, huh?

One day Monica talked to her Mother:
'Mom, we can't stand it anymore. We agree to divorce. I can't imagine how I decided to marry this guy!!!'

Mother: 'Sure, girl, that's no big deal. Just do whatever you want if you really can't stand it.
But before that, do one thing first. Remember the saving passbook I gave you on your wedding day? Take out all money and spend it first. You shouldn't keep any record of such a poor marriage.'


Monica thought it was true. So she went to the bank, waiting at the queue and planning to cancel the account. While she was waiting, she took a look at the passbook record. She looked, and looked, and looked.


Then the memory of all the previous joy and happiness just came up her mind. Her eyes were then filled with tears. She left and went home. When she was home, she handed the passbook to Hitesh, asked him to spend the money before getting divorce. The next day, Hitesh gave the passbook back to Monica. She found a new deposit of Rs.5000.
And a line next to the record:

'This is the day I notice how much I've loved you thru out all these years. How much happiness you've brought me.'

They hugged and cried, putting the passbook back to the safe. Do you know how much money they had saved when they retired?

I did not ask.I believe the money did not matter any more after they had gone thru all the good years in their life. "When you fall, in any way, Don't see the place where you fell, Instead see the place from where you slipped. Life is about correcting mistakes."

Saturday, December 20, 2008

prostitutes

When one of the prostitutes passed away, the girls moped
disconsolately around the house.

"Good old Gloria," lamented one. "She could handle twenty men
a night, drink a fifth of whiskey and still have the strength
to roll five drunks."

Hearing this, one of the others burst into tears.

"Why is it," she sobbed, "that a girl has to die before
anyone says anything nice about her?"

Friday, December 19, 2008

Jokes from Pakistan

Shaadi A Boy to astrologer: Meri Shaadi Kyun Nai Ho rahi..?
Astrologer: Qudrat Ne Teri Qismat Mai Dukh Nai Likhe To Mai Kiya Kar Sakta Hun" Sardar, Divorce & Divide A sardar and his wife go for divorce. Judge asks, "You have 3 kids; how will you divide them?" Sardar thinks and says, "Ok, we'll come next year!" Sardar's Kidney Failing In Skool? DOCTOR: Ur Kidney Has Failed!

§ARDAR: Doctor! Wat da hell R U Talking,
.
My Kidney Never Went 2 School
Then How It Failed.? Kid: Once a he-goat was being taken to butcher's hop. So the goat was crying loudly. The school boy asked his mom about the reason for this. Mom cleared his doubt. Then the boy said with deep breathe," oh ! that's OK, I was worried that he is being taken to school." Busy youth 1 Hand On Horn
1 Hand On Gear
1 Ear Listening to Songz
1 Ear On the Mobile
1 Foot On Accelerator
Other On Clutch
& both Eyes On Girlz
Welcome to INDIA
with our hardworking youth... Arz kiya hai Shayer: Arz kia hai.
Sardar: Irshad irshad.
Shayer: Arz kia hai.
Sardar: Irshad irshad.
Shayer: Abay kamine bolne to de .
Sardar: Wah wah wah ;-)

software Engineer with his wife.

Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.

Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.

Wife - but I told you about it in morning.
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.

Wife - Ya ALLAH! forget it where's yoursalar.
Husband - fine in use, read only, try after some time.

Wife - at least give me your credit cart, I can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.

Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you..
Husband - date type mismatch.

Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.

Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.

Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.

Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.

Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.

Wife - I will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.

Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.

Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.

Wife - I m going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer.

How to say I love you in 100 languages

HOW TO SAY? I LOVE U

English - I love you
Afrikaans - Ek het jou lief
Albanian - Te dua
Arabic - Ana behibak (to male)
Arabic - Ana behibek (to female)
Armenian - Yes kez sirumem
Bambara - M'bi fe
Bengali - Ami tomake bhalobashi (pronounced: Amee toe-ma-kee bhalo-bashee)
Belarusian - Ya tabe kahayu
Bisaya - Nahigugma ako kanimo
Bulgarian - Obicham te
Cambodian - Soro lahn nhee ah
Catalan - T'estimo
Cherokee - Tsi ge yu i
Cheyenne - Ne mohotatse
Chichewa - Ndimakukonda
Chinese
Cantonese - Ngo oiy ney a
Mandarin - Wo ai ni
Comanche - U kamakutu nu
(pronounced oo----ka-ma- koo-too-- ---nu) -- Thx Tony
Corsican - Ti tengu caru (to male)
Cree - Kisakihitin
Creol - Mi aime jou
Croatian - Volim te
Czech - Miluji te
Danish - Jeg Elsker Dig
Dutch - Ik hou van jou
Elvish - Amin mela lle (from The Lord of The Rings, by J.R.R. Tolkien)
Esperanto - Mi amas vin
Estonian - Ma armastan sind
Ethiopian - Afgreki'
Faroese - Eg elski teg
Farsi - Doset daram
Filipino - Mahal kita
Finnish - Mina rakastan sinua
French - Je t'aime, Je t'adore
Frisian - Ik hald fan dy
Gaelic - Ta gra agam ort
Georgian - Mikvarhar
German - Ich liebe dich
Greek - S'agapo
Gujarati - Hoo thunay prem karoo choo
Hiligaynon - Palangga ko ikaw
Hawaiian - Aloha Au Ia `oe
Hebrew
To female - "ani ohev otach" (said by male) "ohevet Otach" (said by female)
To male - "ani ohev otcha" (said by male) "Ohevet ot'cha" (said by female)
Hiligaynon - Guina higugma ko ikaw
Hindi - Main Tumhe Pyar Karta hu
Hmong - Kuv hlub koj
Hopi - Nu' umi unangwa'ta
Hungarian - Szeretlek
Icelandic - Eg elska tig
Ilonggo - Palangga ko ikaw
Indonesian - Saya cinta padamu
Inuit - Negligevapse
Irish - Taim i' ngra leat
Italian - Ti amo
Japanese - Aishiteru or Anata ga daisuki desu
Kannada - Naanu ninna preetisuttene
Kapampangan - Kaluguran daka
Kiswahili - Nakupenda
Konkani - Tu magel moga cho
Korean - Sarang Heyo or Nanun tangshinul sarang hamnida
Latin - Te amo
Latvian - Es tevi miilu
Lebanese - Bahibak
Lithuanian - Tave myliu
Luxembourgeois - Ech hun dech gaer
Macedonian - Te Sakam
Malay - Saya cintakan mu / Aku cinta padamu
Malayalam - Njan Ninne Premikunnu
Maltese - Inhobbok
Marathi - Me tula prem karto
Mohawk - Kanbhik
Moroccan - Ana moajaba bik
Nahuatl - Ni mits neki
Navaho - Ayor anosh'ni
Ndebele - Niyakutanda
Norwegian
Bokmaal - Jeg elsker deg
Nyonrsk - Eg elskar deg
Pandacan - Syota na kita!!
Pangasinan - Inaru Taka
Papiamento - Mi ta stimabo
Persian - Doo-set daaram
Pig Latin - Iay ovlay ouyay
Polish - Kocham Ciebie
Portuguese - Eu te amo
Romanian - Te iubesc
Russian - Ya tebya liubliu
Scot Gaelic - Tha gra\dh agam ort
Serbian - Volim te
Setswana - Ke a go rata
Sign Language - ,\,,/ (represents position of fingers when signing 'I Love You')
Sindhi - Maa tokhe pyar kendo ahyan
Sioux - Techihhila
Slovak - Lu`bim ta
Slovenian - Ljubim te
Spanish - Te quiero / Te amo
Swahili - Ninapenda wewe
Swedish - Jag alskar dig
Swiss-German - Ich lieb Di
Surinam - Mi lobi joe
Tagalog - Mahal kita
Taiwanese - Wa ga ei li
Tahitian - Ua Here Vau Ia Oe
Tamil - Nan unnai kathalikaraen
Telugu - Nenu ninnu premistunnanu
Thai
To female - Phom rak khun
To male - Chan rak khun
Informal - Rak te
Tunisian - Ha eh bak
Turkish - Seni Seviyorum
Ukrainian - Ya tebe kahayu
Urdu - mai aap say pyaar karta hoo
Vietnamese
To female - Anh ye^u em
To male - Em ye^u anh
Welsh - 'Rwy'n dy garu di
Yiddish - Ikh hob dikh
Yoruba - Mo ni fe
Zazi - Ezhele hezdege
Zuni - Tom ho' ichema

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

sardar know's the value of 35 number

In one local criket match sardar raised his bat on 35 runs. His
partner asked "sardar, there is no century or half century or wining
moment why you rasied your bat." You don't know the value of 35
scores. I know it from my school time.

Its the Pass Marks :)

Pakistan beggars

Parvinder and Habib are beggars in UK. They beg in different areas of London.
Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes,
lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do
you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'

Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work. I have a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?
Parvinder shows his sign....


It reads, 'I only need another £100 to move back to Pakistan '.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

CALLING My Boss

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead:
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week." The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:


"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . .
he replied laughing,"Coz . . ." "I just love hearing it. . . ."

hindi love SMS Collection

Zindagi mohtaz nahi manzilo ki,
Waqt har manzil dikha deta hai.
Marta nahi ko kisi se juda hoke,
Waqt sabko jina sikha deta hai.



Yaad karte hai tumhe tanhayee main,
Dil duba hai gum ki gahraye main,
Tum dhoondti ho humein apne dil mein,
Hum milenge tumhe tumhari parchayee main.


Tu chandramukhi main suryamukhi,
Tu bhi dukhi main bhi dukhi,
Tu chatt se neeche kud ja,
Tu bhi sukhi main bhi sukhi.



Behind ur smile I know there r sorrows,
Behind ur laughter I know there r tears,
And I want u 2 know that behind u I am always there 4 u.



Deewane hai tere naam ke is baat se inkaar nahi,
Kaise kahe ki humain aapse pyar nahi.
Kuch to kasoor hai aapki nigaho ka,
Hum akele to gunehegaar nahi.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

where's my boogie

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she
said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her
fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy's gonna eat your fingers!"
pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at
her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

She replied "Mommy, where's my boogie?"

Stupid Blonde

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Next, there's a knock at the door, so he answers it!

Standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb, and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies!

One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first wish--having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

***************************************************************************************

A Blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her. She goes out
and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, and, sure enough,
when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
She becomes extremely angry. She opens her purse and pulls out the gun
to shoot him, but she's suddenly overcome with grief.
She puts the gun up to the side her head. Her boyfriend yells "Honey,
don't do it." She replies "Shut up, you're next."

***************************************************************
A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt.
"Why are you wearing a Thank God it's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?"
"Oh shit!" the blonde says,
"I thought it meant Tits Go In Front."

rednecks jokes

    A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY.

WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN, HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO
STAY.  BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!!

HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN
APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!!  THEY

JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES
HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A
TREE. "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?  I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."

THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'S A WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD FEET
OF LUMBER IN 'ER."

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!!  HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT
A MILE DOWN THE ROAD.  HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER
WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION.  THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A
DIFFERENT CLASS.

"THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET."

THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK
AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!!

ONE MORE TEST. THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE
FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE OAK, 242
BOARD FEET AT BEST."

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE

TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS. AS THEY

NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP
OUTSIDE.

HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVER
THERE?" "I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!"

THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE
FRONT OF THE TREE?"

WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING
AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.

HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "THAT THAR'S THE
FRONT," THE REDNECK SAYS.

THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL
DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS
LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A POOP BEHIND IT!"

HE GOT THE JOB AND IS NOW THE FOREMAN!!!!!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Joke of the day

A Gujrati, a Madrasi and a sardaar were doing construction work onscaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.


They were having lunch and Gujjuopened his lunch box said, "Dhokla ! If I get dhokla one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Madrasi opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Idli Sambhar again! If I get idli sambhar one more time I'm going to jump off too."
The sardaar opened his lunch and said, "Parontha again! If I get a parontha one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Gujju opened his lunch box, saw dhokla, and jumped to his death.
The Madrasi opened his lunch, saw idli sambhar, and jumped, too. The sardaar opened his lunch, saw the parontha and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, Gujju's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of dhokla, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Madrasi's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him dossa! I didn't realize he hated idli sambhar so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the sardaar's wife. .. ..

The sardaar's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch." 

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Jus Relax

Chuha Billi se darta hai,  
Billi Kutte se darti hai, 
Kutta Aadmi se darta hai, 
Aadmi Biwi se darta hai,  
Biwi Chuhhe se darti hai! 
Duniya gol  hai....   

Ek macchar ek takle ke sar  par ja baita... 
Doosra  macchar bola: Waha kya ghar dunda hai.. 
Pehla  macchar bola: Ghar kaha re abi to sirf  plot kharida hai...
   
Boy to  girl: Hey, if I climb this coconut tree, I can see  engineering college girls. 
Girl:  Leave both  the hands from the tree top and you can see medical college  girls.   

Judge : Is Gunde ke dono  kan  kaat do. 
Gunda :  Nahin main  andha ho jaunga. 
Judge :  Kaan katne  se andha kaise honge?
Gunda :  Chashma kya  tere baap ke  kan pe  bethaunga?   

Teacher:  You idiot!  At your age Einstein was ranked 1st in class. What about  you? 
Student:  Sir, at  your age Hitler committed suicide! What about you?!   

Ek sharabi mar hi raha ta  tab Bhagwan pratyaksh hoke usse poocha: "Koi antim ichcha?' Sharabi:  Aagle janam  me ek liver extra laga dena!     Thanks, Madhukar    

FOR GYM GOER

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, 

he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby?
 That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!"She begins to drool. 

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby?
 That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. 

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" 

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"   

Monday, December 8, 2008

INTERESTING DEFINITIONS

School:

A place where Papa Pays and Son Plays.

Life Insurance:

A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse:

A person who works up to give you sleeping tablets so that  you thank the doctors that  treatment is going in right direction


Love Affairs:

Something like the game of Cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test match.

Marriage:

It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

Divorce:

Future tense of Marriage.

Lecture:

An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference:

The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise:

The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary:

A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room:

A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic:

Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile:

A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office:

A place where you can relax after from your family troubles.

Yawn:

The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.:

A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee:

Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience:

The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb:

An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher:

A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat:

A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist:

A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist:

A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

Miser:

A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father:

A credit card provided by GOD.

Criminal:

A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

Boss:

Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician:

One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor:

A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills    

parking lot

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart
Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress
upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curbbackward,
pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, 'Now you
stay. Do you hear m e?' 'Stay! Stay!'

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a
strange look and said,

'Why don't you just put it in park?

Batteries Not Included

Two women friends were out buying Christmas gifts. For her little
ones, one of them bought a few of the latest toy gadgets.
Unfortunately, they all read, "Batteries Not Included."

So they headed over to the electronics department for batteries, but
they were all behind the counter. Try as she might, the woman with the
gadgets could not get the attention of one of the harried sales
clerks.

"I know how to get a clerk's attention," her friend said. "Watch this, April."

She opened her purse, pulled out a tape measure and began measuring
the dimensions of one of those $4,000 plasma TVs.

Instantly, a sales clerk practically leap-frogged over several
displays to reach the woman. "Can I help you?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, pointing to the display behind the counter. "We need
batteries. Four AA's, two size D's and two nine-volts!"


Rare Bible

A collector of rare books and a bookstore owner were having lunch one
afternoon when the topic of discussion turned to old Bibles. The
bookstore owner had mentioned he'd given away an old worn-out Bible
recently.

"Who printed it?" the book collector asked.

"Hmmm, Guten-somebody-or-other, I think," said the store owner.

"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.

"Yes, that was it!" the store owner replied.

"You gave it away? Where?" the book collector asked, almost choking on
a mouthful of food.

"Goodwill, I think," said the store owner. "I'm not sure. There are
several organizations that come to my store to pick up donations."

"I can't believe it!" the book collector exclaimed. "You gave away one
of the first books ever printed! Do you realize the historical
significance of this? A copy recently sold at auction for half a
million dollars!"

"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to
that much," replied the store owner. "It was scribbled all over in the
margins with notes by some guy named Martin Luther."

Three Hymns

One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some
extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a
little extra in the offering plate. He added that whoever gave the
most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed and collected, the pastor saw
that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited
that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation. "Someone has
blessed us with a $1,000 donation!" he announced. "Please let me know
who you are. I want to personally thank you."

A woman in the back of the church who looked to be in her late 40's
raised her hand.

"Please come up front," the pastor said. The woman made her way up front.

"Thank you for your wonderfully generous gift to the church," the
pastor said. "Please, I would like you to pick out three hymns."

The woman's eyes brightened. She looked over the congregation, pointed
to the three handsomest men in the church and said, "I'll take him and
him and him!"

Sunday, December 7, 2008

A male-to-female transexual

A male-to-female transexual was being interviewed on a radio talk show.
The DJ asked the transexual "What sort of pain did you experience
during the operation?"

The transexual replied, "Well, when they cut my penis off, that really
didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. Then they implanted the
breasts in my chest, well, that really didn't hurt too much either..."

"Then you didn't experience any real physical pain at all then?"

"You're joking! What really hurt was when they removed half my brain
and doubled the size of my mouth!

only one for going back

A Blonde bought a brand new Car and decided to drive down from some
place far off, to meet this friend. She reached there in a few hours.
After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up
her mother to expect her in the evening. But she didn't reach home in
the evening and not the next day either.

When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother
ran and asked her "What Happened?"

She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said,
"Oy, ye these car designers, these people are crazy! They have four
gears for going forward, but only one for going back!"

proud Hillbilly

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Paris,Tennessee.

After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five
different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fell into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the
bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers
on and off, though it was a fine, dry summer's night, flicked the
blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then
switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and
then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other
patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled
out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having
waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on
the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a
breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no
evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me
to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly. "Tonight I'm the

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

ARTHRITIS jokes

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next
to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say
Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' Then
returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How
long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does.'

Thursday, November 13, 2008

CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX

Gentlemen , here is your guide to weightloss

CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX!

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent12 Calories Without her consent2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands8 Calories With one hand12 Calories With your teeth485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection6 Calories Without an erection3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary12 Calories 69 lying down78 Calories 69 standing up812 Calories

Wheelbarrow216 Calories Doggy Style326 Calories Italian chandelier2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real112 Calories Fake1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging18 Calories Getting up immediately36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are: 20-29 years36 Calories
30-39 years80 Calories 40-49 years124 Calories 50-59 years1,972 Calories
60-69 years7,916 Calories 70 and overResults are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly..32 Calories In a hurry98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door13,521 Calories
Results may vary!

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD
Right now, as you read this, 69 Million males are having SEX! And you're on the computer!!!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Faisalabad walay Granting a Wish

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you eac h a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.

I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old. :)


The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are female.....

Death and taxes

Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get
worse every year.
---------------------------------------------

Can you guess which of the following are True or False?

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up
in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every
10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being
indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your
heart!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every
minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until
they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting
in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time
of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is
to search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without
turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer
and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State
anthem.

21. Most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of
white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William never travel on the same
airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a
tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords
cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein
transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were
7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

All of the above are supposedly true.
-----------------------------------------------------

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host,
preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My
Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all
these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet
names."

Morris hung his head and whispered - "To tell the truth, I forgot her name
three years ago!"
---------------------------------------------------------

What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the
moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person
which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote the song "The Hokey Pokey," died
peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the
coffin. They put his left leg in ...

... and then the trouble started.

Indain Way

Indian Way
The Indians and Pakistanis at the height of the arms race realized
that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up
the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole
dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the
best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be
entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down
its arms.


The Pakistanis found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches
in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.
They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter,
removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. They used steroids
and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog
the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five
inches thick and nobody could get near it.


When the day came for the dog fight, the Indians showed up with a
strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry
for the Indians because they knew there was no way that this dog
could possibly last ten seconds with the Pakistani dog. When the cages
were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled
over towards the Pakistani dog. The Pakistani dog snarled and leaped out
of it's cage and charged the Indian dachshund. But, when it got
close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's
mouth and consumed the Pakistani dog in one bite. There was nothing left
at all of the Pakistani dog.


The Pakistanis came up to the Indians shaking their heads in
disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had
our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and
Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian
wolves."


"That's nothing", an Indian replied. "We had our best plastic
surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund."

Monday, November 10, 2008

20 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

Top Ten School Excuses

These are the top ten funniest excuse notes from parents collected by schools from all over this country.

1. Please excuse Lola for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

2. Jimmy has been absent yesterday because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

3. My daughter is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute her.

4. Please excuse Jenny. She has been sick and under the doctor.

5. Sandra won't be in school a week from today. We have to attend her funeral.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Funny quotes about man


Men are like parking spots: The good ones are already taken, and the rest are handicapped.

Men are like plungers: They spend most of their time in the hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

May our children be blessed with rich parents Boys attitude!

A boy wen proposes a girl If she says YES,then
"Pata ni kenia nu haan kiti honi" If she says NO,"then
Bandri apne ap nu Ashwarya Rai samjdi ae...

."To our wives and lovers...may they never meet!
If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry.A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man!

Incredible Manmohan singh Believe me it is not vulgar


Bush, Manmohan, Aishwarya and Sonia are travelling in a train. The
train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there
is a kissing sound and then a slap!

The train comes out of the tunnel.

The women and Manmohan are sitting there looking perplexed. Bush is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap.

All of them
remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.

Sonia is thinking: These Americans are all crazy after Aishwarya. Bush must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.

Aishwarya is thinking: Bush must have tried to kiss me but kissed Sonia instead and got slapped.

Bush is thinking: Damn it. Manmohan must have tried to kiss
Aishwarya. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.

Manmohan is thinking: if this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap Bush again....

Business Management defintions


1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

2) Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.

3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.And lastly……………..

9) Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby

funny shayari

Khuda Hi Khuda
Idhar khuda hai, udar khuda hai,
Jidar dekho udar khuda hai,
idhar-udhar bus khuda hi khuda hai
jidhar nahi khuda hai….udhar kal khudega!



Shaam hote hi ye Dil udaas hota hai
Toote khwaboo ke siwa kuch na pass hota hai
Tumahri yaad aise waqt bohat aati hai
Bandar jab koi aas-paas hota hai..



Recent News Headlines : Softdrinks Contain Dangerous Pestcides.
Insan to newspaper padh sakte hain par janwaro ka
kya hoga kyonki…. Aaj kal CHEETAH BHI PEETA HAI !

Ai mere kadardan, Dost meri Jaan,
Tum hamesha rahoge hattekhatte nawjawan
kyounki…. Khuda meherbaan to
Gadha PAHELWAAN…..



kabhi hosla bhi azmana chahiye,
bure waqt me muskurana bhi chahiye,
chahe kitni bhoi thand pade hafte me
ek baar to nahana chahiye True friends are like Diamonds.
they are real and rare.
False friends are like leaves.
they are scattered everywhere

money with windows

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too
old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For
those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read
on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous
sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm
thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the
windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just
say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What
do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with
some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have
anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............

how many women have you slept with?

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.

The only thing he said was, "F.F."

His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."

Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."

She responded simply, "E.F."

He repeated, "F.F."

She again replied, "E.F."

"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"

Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"

Little Jokes

Little Lalloo was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. 'Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?' he asked his mother. 'He thinks a lot,' replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Or she was until little Lalloo thought for a second and asked, 'So why do you have so much hair?'


PAYING BILLS
Two guys robbed a rob a bank and mess it up, managing to escape with two sacks that they find on the floor. And they take one sack each. After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, 'What did you find in your sack?' 'Ten lakh Rupees!' 'Wow.... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?' 'I bought a house. How about your sack?' 'Bah... it was full of bills.' 'And what did you do with them?' 'Eh, well... little by little, I'm paying them off...'


RAILWAY STATION
Three professors had walked down to the train station from the University. They were so absorbed in their conversation that they didn't hear the train arrive, but they did notice the noise of the train as it started to depart. After a desperate rush two of them manage to scramble onboard. The third looked sad and a passing railway official said, 'Don't feel bad, atleast two out of three of you made it.' 'True…', sighed the professor, 'But the other two were only here to see me off!'


WHAT A DREAM
Wife: I dreamed you gave me $100 for summer clothes last night. You wouldn't spoil that dream, would you, Dear? Husband: Of course not, Darling. You may keep the $100.


Captain Ronald
Could you please tell me the condition of Captain Ronald in Room No. 605? He was operated upon last week and I'd like to know his condition.' The nurse excused herself and then returned to the phone. 'I have just checked Captain Ronald's chart. His condition is excellent and he seems to be making steady improvement. Who shall I say called?' 'This is Captain Ronald in room. No.605. my doctors don't tell me a thing!


MARRYING DAUGHTER
Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding: "as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."



MUNDAN
This leave letter is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son: "as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days."

LEAVE APPLICATION
Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows: 'Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.'


DOUGHNUT
Customer: Waitress, why is my doughnut all smashed? Waitress: You said you wanted a cup of coffee and a doughnut, and step on it.

PIANO
Sardarji zebra crossing ke black & white patte par bar bar idhar-udhar chalta tha, woh kya soch raha hoga....think............."SALA YE PIANO BAJTA KYO NAHI"


COINCIDENCE
TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?" STUDENT: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."


GIRLISH FIGURE
'So you met Suneeta today?' 'Yes, I hadn't seen her for eight years. 'Has she kept her girlish figure?' 'Kept it? She doubled it.'


STRANGE SOCKS
TEACHER: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots! BALGOBIN: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home.


GEORGE WASHINGTON
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?" BALGOBIN: "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"


GO SLOW
TEACHER: Why are you late? BALGOBIN: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? BALGOBIN: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."


DRUNK ?
Nelson got arrested and was brought before the Judge. 'Who brought you in?' asked the Judge. 'Two policemen, Sir.' 'Drunk, I assume?' 'Both of them, Your Honour, both of them.'


HIT BACK
The scene in the film was tense and the audience sat enthralled. Suddenly, the hero slapped the heroine on the face. In the silence that followed, a young voice piped up: 'Why doesn't she hit back like you do, mummy?'

Friday, November 7, 2008

Stupid jokse

There's a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know
which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see
how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money.
She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the
works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look
pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a
television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I
bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so
much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market,
doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and
reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the
money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent
the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

_____________________*****************______________________________

When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor's the doctor.
Does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way
or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor's way?

*************************************************

saleswoman was traveling along this Arkansas road when her car broke down near a farmhouse. She went to the farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could put her up for the night until her car was fixed.


"Sure," he said, "but you have to sleep with my son because we only have two bedrooms. By the way, he suffers from tight skin."
She asked if it was contagious and he said no, so they went to sleep.
When she woke up in the morning the bed was full of crap, and she screamed. The farmer came running into the room and asked what was wrong.


"This bed is full of shit!" she yelled.
"I told you last night that he suffered from tight skin," said the farmer.
"Just what the hell is tight skin, anyway?" she asked.
The farmer said, "When he closes his eyes his asshole opens up!"

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Jokes for Thursday Mad Cows

Mad Cows Two cows are chatting in a field. One says to the other, "Are you worried by this mad cow disease?"
The second cow says, "It doesn't affect me - I'm a rabbit!"

**********************************
Noisy Neighbor Young Jock McTavish from Glasgow went to study at a university in England and was living in the hall of residence. After a week his mother rang him. "How do you get along with the other students, Jock?" she asked.

"Well," he replied, "they are terribly noisy people. The one on one side keeps banging his head on the wall. The one on the other side screams all night."

"Oh Jock!" said his mother. "How do you manage to put up with such noisy neighbours?"

"I don't do anything. I just sit here quietly, playing my bagpipes!"

**********************************************


Blonde's Headset A hairdresser was trying to cut a blonde's hair but, because she refused to take off the headset of her iPod, he found his task very difficult. Finally, exasperated, he pulled off the handset and she collapsed on the floor.

An ambulance rushed her to hospital but too late, she was dead. The hairdresser felt very bad about this but wondered what she was listening to.

He put on the headset and heard the words, "Breathe in....breathe out....breathe in....!"

*********************************************

Paddy's Wood Paddy Fitzgerald had worked in a timber yard for five years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

He told the priest. "Father, it's five years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the timber yard all that time."

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

Fitzgerald said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the timber!"

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

quotes and Jokes

Hitler asked for a stenographer but was given a loptop.

Don't you know,he screamed, I am a dictator.

Interviewer: Why are you changing your current job?
Applicant:Because the company shifted,and they did'not tell me where?

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Courage is the price that life enacts for granting peace.

Ram: My wifeWent out to buy Ladies finger last week,but not returned.
Bheem: Then why don't you cook something else?

Even if you are on the right track,you will get runover if you just sit there.

Ram: Where did you get those big eyes ?
Bheem:They came with the face.

Why the US is in crisis...??? ...... ...!!!!!

An Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

An American Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.'

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Newton`s Way Of Romance

First Law:
"A Boy in love with A Girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless any external agent (brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy."

Second Law:
" The rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the bank balance."

Third Law:
"The force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while using her sandals."

talk about lucky jokes

You want to talk about lucky? Two vehicles in Grand Junction,
Colorado were involved in a collision and by bizarre coinci-
dence all six of the passengers in the two vehicles survived
the accident. Why bizarre, you ask. Because the two vehicles
were planes.

The midair accident involved a Mesa County Sheriff's Office
plane carrying four people, including two prisoners, and two
men in a second aircraft.

"It's very miraculous," Barbara Chappell, an assistant at
the Mesa County Sheriff's Office said.

The sheriff's plane flew back to the Grand Junction Regional
Airport, while the second aircraft landed upside down in a
field 14 miles southeast of the airport.

Officials hadn't given a cause for the accident.

"All of a sudden, there was a plane right in front of us,"
said John Haefeli, who was in the second plane being flown
by his son.

He said his son tried to turn the plane's nose down but the
sheriff's plane sheared off a section of their tail.

hihgly stupid jokes


It is the year 25 after Christ's birth and Mother Mary is worried.

Her son has not had any contact with women whatsoever and she orders Mary Madeleine to organize the sleaziest hooker of all of Bethlehem for her son. Amen:

She arrived, grabed the young man's hand after an approving and obviously favourable look and dragged hin into the bedroom.

The door closed and all was calm until the door flew back open again and the prostitute came running out of the bedroom screaming and cursing and leaving the house.

Mother Mary was a bit taken aback and went to talk to her son who was lying on the bed, chewing an apple and obviously being quite content with himself. "What happened here?" she asked.

Jesus looked at her surprised "I don't know. It all went exactly the way the other guys always said it would be. She looked me in the eyes, I looked her in the eyes. She kissed me, I kissed her back. She started to pet me, so I pet her. Her hand went up my thigh and so did mine on hers. Then her hand went between my legs and my hand went between her legs."

"Then what?" Mary pressed on.

"Then," Jesus continued, "I felt that she was amputated there and so I healed her."

***********************************************************
"I'm in love with my sheep," the nervous young man told his psychiatrist.

"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog we are very attached to."

"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel physically attracted to my sheep."

"Hmmm," observed the doctor. "Is it male or female?"

"Female, of course!" the man replied curtly. "What do you think I am, GAY?"
*************************
Has This Happened To You?


1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where is yours? Do I point at my butt when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get up to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.


3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too" That's right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.

6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!', which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn't be new.

8 When people say "life is short". What's up with that? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

:::|Sweet Jokes™ |::: The Stock Market simply illustrated

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs10. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at Rs10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at Rs20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey let alone catch it.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs50." The villagers squeezed up with all their savings to buy the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!! !! -
Welcome to the Market!!!!!

$6.00 Welcome Survey After Free Registration!



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