There was this General-in-training, and his superiors were asking him questions
"What happened on June 6, 1944?"
"We stormed the beach at Normandy, which later became known as D-Day, sir!"
"What was the turning point of world war 2?"
"Battle of the bulge, sir!"
"What's is the importance of May 12" The Man thought and thought "I don't know, sir!"
The superior then said "Well, I'll tell your wife that you forgot her birthday"
--------------------------
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone,
told the airman to enter, then said into the phone,
"Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message.
In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man,he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
--------------------------------------------------------
Time
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."
----------------------------
Change
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
Showing posts with label ANSWERS. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ANSWERS. Show all posts
Monday, November 23, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Fun facts
1. In Frackville, Pennsylvania, a woman filed for divorce because her
husband insisted on "shooting tin cans off of her head with a
slingshot."
2. A female orgasm is a powerful painkiller (because of the release of
endorphins), so headaches are in fact a bad excuse not to have sex.
source
3. Over 11,000 people are injured every year trying out new sexual
positions. source
4. People who have never been married are seven and a half times to be
admitted to a psychiatric facility than married.
5. The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II
who fathered over 160 children.
6. In Elizabethan slang, the term "to die" meant to have an orgasm.
This double entendre was often used by John Donne, and by Shakespeare
in King Lear.
7. In a survey conducted by a women's magazine, 70 percent of female
respondents said they would rather have chocolate than sex, according
to the Chocolate Manufacturers Association. source
8. Percentage of runners who say they think about sex while running:
66%. Percentage who say then think about running while having sex: 8%.
source1 source2
9. The phrase "honeymoon" came from the Greeks. It was customary for
the bride's family to supply the groom with a month (or full moon
cycle) of the wedding wine, which tasted like honey. source
10. According to the Hite Report, candles are the artificial device
used most frequently by women when masturbating. source
11. As late as 1940, a candidate for the U.S. Naval Academy was
rejected if it was discovered that he masturbated. source
12. "Hockey" is archaic slang for "semen." source
13. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating
are already married.
14. Impotence is grounds for divorce in 24 states in the US. source
15. In Kentucky, 50 percent of the people who get married for the
first time are teenagers.
16. In 1976, a Los Angeles secretary formally married her 50-pound pet rock.
17. In ancient Greece, courtesans wore sandals with nails studded into
the sole so that their footprints would leave the message "Follow me".
source
18. The orchid is named after the male genitalia. Its botanical family
name, Orchidaceae, means "testicles" in Greek and may derive from an
early notion that the orchid possessed aphrodisiac qualities. source
19. In 2000 BC, Egyptians used crocodile and elephant dung as a
contraceptive. source
20. Thirty-one percent of men and 43 percent of women regularly suffer
from some form of sexual dysfunction, warranting recognition as a
significant public health concern, according to a new comprehensive
U.S. sex study. source
21. Couples who marry in January, February, and March tend to have the
highest divorce rates.
22. The average speed of ejaculation is 28 miles per hour.
23. Some odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender,
licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie. source
24. During a kiss as many as 278 bacteria colonies are exchanged. source
25. The world's greatest lover was arguably King Mongkut of Siam. He
had 9,000 women in his harem. source
26. It was considered elegant for aristocratic ladies of the sixteenth
century to let their pubic hair grow as long as possible so it could
be pomaded and adorned with bows and ribbon.
27. 85% of the men who die while having sex, die with someone other
than their spouse.
28. In Asian countries, the velvet covering on a deer's antlers is
considered to be an aphrodisiac.
29. Harvard researchers have concluded after careful scientific
studies that Coca-Cola is not an effective spermicide.
30. 70% of marriages in Oregon end in divorce.
31. In a 1997 survey by Durex condoms, the French were found to be the
best lovers, then Italians, Americans, South Africans, Brits,
Australians, and Canadians. Hong Kong came in last. source
32. At one time in India, a fiancee was required to deflower his
future bride if she died before the wedding. The girl could not be
cremated until this ritual was carried out in front of the village
priest.
33. It was proposed in the Rhode Island legislature in the 1970s that
there be a $2 tax on every act of sexual intercourse.
34. By the age of 24, one in three sexually active people will have
contracted a sexually transmitted infection. At least one in four
Americans, perhaps as many as one in two, will contract a sexually
trasmitted infection at some point in their lifetime. source
35. On the average, approximately 230 marriage licenses are issued per
day in Las Vegas. source
36. For ancient Greeks and Romans, the wedding bouquet was a pungent
mix of garlic and herbs or grains. The garlic was supposed to ward off
evil spirits and the herbs or grains were to insure a fruitful union.
source
37. Every year on March 15 Japan throws a giant festival to celebrate
the penis and fertility. A 900-pound wooden phallus is paraded around
the streets of the town Komaki, and women carry massive dildos in
their arms. Thousands of people come to pay homage to the penis and
take part in the festivities. source
38. In Puritan times, to be born on a Sunday was interpreted as a sign
of great sin. Puritans believed that children born on the Sabbath Day
were conceived on this sacred day, and sexual intercourse on Sundays
was a sacrilege. source
39. Guitar fan Chris Black of London actually had a wedding ceremony
to officially marry his Fender Stratocaster in 1995. source
40. Alan Hirsch of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation
in Chicago found that the candied licorice smell produced by "Good and
Plenty" candy, the odor of cucumber, and the aura of baby powder
increased blood flow to the vagina 13 percent above the average blood
flow. source
41. A Florida phone sex operator won a workers' compensation
settlement claiming she was injured after regularly masturbating at
work, her lawyer said. source source
42. The Huichol Indians have an interesting tradition. When a woman is
giving birth, her husband sits above her with a rope wrapped around
his testicles. When the woman feels pain she tugs on the rope so that
he too can experience the pain of childbirth. source source
43. An average of 300,000 Valentines are remailed annually from
Loveland, Colorado. These Valentines come form 140 different
countries and all 50 states. source
44. Thought you'd live with your partner for a while, before you
decide to get married? Well, in Virginia, unmarried cohabitation is
illegal! source
45. A survey by Novartis, the pet medicine company, shows that 11
percent of cat owners have ended a personal or romantic relationship
because a person didn't like their cat. source
46. 85% of all valentines are purchased by women. (Well this just
seems obvious to me, but I thought it was still interesting enough to
include here.) source
47. Men purchase about 90% of the roses bought for Valentine's Day. source
48. In the Middle Ages, young men and women drew names from a bowl to
see who their valentines would be. They would wear these names on
their sleeves for one week. Thus the origin of the phrase "to wear
your heart on your sleeve." source
49. According to Directroses.
husband insisted on "shooting tin cans off of her head with a
slingshot."
2. A female orgasm is a powerful painkiller (because of the release of
endorphins), so headaches are in fact a bad excuse not to have sex.
source
3. Over 11,000 people are injured every year trying out new sexual
positions. source
4. People who have never been married are seven and a half times to be
admitted to a psychiatric facility than married.
5. The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II
who fathered over 160 children.
6. In Elizabethan slang, the term "to die" meant to have an orgasm.
This double entendre was often used by John Donne, and by Shakespeare
in King Lear.
7. In a survey conducted by a women's magazine, 70 percent of female
respondents said they would rather have chocolate than sex, according
to the Chocolate Manufacturers Association. source
8. Percentage of runners who say they think about sex while running:
66%. Percentage who say then think about running while having sex: 8%.
source1 source2
9. The phrase "honeymoon" came from the Greeks. It was customary for
the bride's family to supply the groom with a month (or full moon
cycle) of the wedding wine, which tasted like honey. source
10. According to the Hite Report, candles are the artificial device
used most frequently by women when masturbating. source
11. As late as 1940, a candidate for the U.S. Naval Academy was
rejected if it was discovered that he masturbated. source
12. "Hockey" is archaic slang for "semen." source
13. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating
are already married.
14. Impotence is grounds for divorce in 24 states in the US. source
15. In Kentucky, 50 percent of the people who get married for the
first time are teenagers.
16. In 1976, a Los Angeles secretary formally married her 50-pound pet rock.
17. In ancient Greece, courtesans wore sandals with nails studded into
the sole so that their footprints would leave the message "Follow me".
source
18. The orchid is named after the male genitalia. Its botanical family
name, Orchidaceae, means "testicles" in Greek and may derive from an
early notion that the orchid possessed aphrodisiac qualities. source
19. In 2000 BC, Egyptians used crocodile and elephant dung as a
contraceptive. source
20. Thirty-one percent of men and 43 percent of women regularly suffer
from some form of sexual dysfunction, warranting recognition as a
significant public health concern, according to a new comprehensive
U.S. sex study. source
21. Couples who marry in January, February, and March tend to have the
highest divorce rates.
22. The average speed of ejaculation is 28 miles per hour.
23. Some odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender,
licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie. source
24. During a kiss as many as 278 bacteria colonies are exchanged. source
25. The world's greatest lover was arguably King Mongkut of Siam. He
had 9,000 women in his harem. source
26. It was considered elegant for aristocratic ladies of the sixteenth
century to let their pubic hair grow as long as possible so it could
be pomaded and adorned with bows and ribbon.
27. 85% of the men who die while having sex, die with someone other
than their spouse.
28. In Asian countries, the velvet covering on a deer's antlers is
considered to be an aphrodisiac.
29. Harvard researchers have concluded after careful scientific
studies that Coca-Cola is not an effective spermicide.
30. 70% of marriages in Oregon end in divorce.
31. In a 1997 survey by Durex condoms, the French were found to be the
best lovers, then Italians, Americans, South Africans, Brits,
Australians, and Canadians. Hong Kong came in last. source
32. At one time in India, a fiancee was required to deflower his
future bride if she died before the wedding. The girl could not be
cremated until this ritual was carried out in front of the village
priest.
33. It was proposed in the Rhode Island legislature in the 1970s that
there be a $2 tax on every act of sexual intercourse.
34. By the age of 24, one in three sexually active people will have
contracted a sexually transmitted infection. At least one in four
Americans, perhaps as many as one in two, will contract a sexually
trasmitted infection at some point in their lifetime. source
35. On the average, approximately 230 marriage licenses are issued per
day in Las Vegas. source
36. For ancient Greeks and Romans, the wedding bouquet was a pungent
mix of garlic and herbs or grains. The garlic was supposed to ward off
evil spirits and the herbs or grains were to insure a fruitful union.
source
37. Every year on March 15 Japan throws a giant festival to celebrate
the penis and fertility. A 900-pound wooden phallus is paraded around
the streets of the town Komaki, and women carry massive dildos in
their arms. Thousands of people come to pay homage to the penis and
take part in the festivities. source
38. In Puritan times, to be born on a Sunday was interpreted as a sign
of great sin. Puritans believed that children born on the Sabbath Day
were conceived on this sacred day, and sexual intercourse on Sundays
was a sacrilege. source
39. Guitar fan Chris Black of London actually had a wedding ceremony
to officially marry his Fender Stratocaster in 1995. source
40. Alan Hirsch of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation
in Chicago found that the candied licorice smell produced by "Good and
Plenty" candy, the odor of cucumber, and the aura of baby powder
increased blood flow to the vagina 13 percent above the average blood
flow. source
41. A Florida phone sex operator won a workers' compensation
settlement claiming she was injured after regularly masturbating at
work, her lawyer said. source source
42. The Huichol Indians have an interesting tradition. When a woman is
giving birth, her husband sits above her with a rope wrapped around
his testicles. When the woman feels pain she tugs on the rope so that
he too can experience the pain of childbirth. source source
43. An average of 300,000 Valentines are remailed annually from
Loveland, Colorado. These Valentines come form 140 different
countries and all 50 states. source
44. Thought you'd live with your partner for a while, before you
decide to get married? Well, in Virginia, unmarried cohabitation is
illegal! source
45. A survey by Novartis, the pet medicine company, shows that 11
percent of cat owners have ended a personal or romantic relationship
because a person didn't like their cat. source
46. 85% of all valentines are purchased by women. (Well this just
seems obvious to me, but I thought it was still interesting enough to
include here.) source
47. Men purchase about 90% of the roses bought for Valentine's Day. source
48. In the Middle Ages, young men and women drew names from a bowl to
see who their valentines would be. They would wear these names on
their sleeves for one week. Thus the origin of the phrase "to wear
your heart on your sleeve." source
49. According to Directroses.
and 30% of men, buy
Valentine gifts either the day before, or on Valentine's Day. source
50. Once the Chicago post office rejected 25,000 valentines claiming
they were vulgar and unfit to go through the mail. source
51. In order of popularity, Valentine's Day cards are given to:
teachers, children, mothers, wives, sweethearts, Koko the gorilla.
source
52. There are eight cities in the United States with "Love" in their
names: Loveland, Colo., Lovejoy, Ga.; Loves Park, Ill.; Lovelock,
Nev.; Love Valley, N.C.; Loveland, Ohio; Loveland, Okla.; and
Lovelady, Texas. source
53. In the U.S. boyfriends and husbands struggle over the treats to
purchase for their loved ones for Valentine's Day. In Japan, things
are different. In Japan, the women are the only ones to purchase
chocolates for St. Valentine's Day, giving them to the men. source
54. Valentine's Day Birthdays, February 14: 1894 Jack Benny, 1913 Mel
Allen, 1913 Jimmy Hoffa, 1921 Hugh Downs, 1932 Vic Morrow, 1934
Florence Henderson, 1946 Gregory Hines, 1944 Carl Bernstein, 1960 Meg
Tilly, 1972 Drew Bledsoe
55. In 1970, brides were on average 20.8 years old when they married,
while grooms were 23.2. Americans are now marrying later in life. In
the year 2000, brides were on average 25.1 with their grooms averaging
26.8. USA Today
56. According to 2000 Census data, Maine has a higher percentage of
unmarried partners living together. source
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Jus Relax
Chuha Billi se darta hai,
Billi Kutte se darti hai,
Kutta Aadmi se darta hai,
Aadmi Biwi se darta hai,
Biwi Chuhhe se darti hai!
Duniya gol hai....
Ek macchar ek takle ke sar par ja baita...
Doosra macchar bola: Waha kya ghar dunda hai..
Pehla macchar bola: Ghar kaha re abi to sirf plot kharida hai...
Boy to girl: Hey, if I climb this coconut tree, I can see engineering college girls.
Girl: Leave both the hands from the tree top and you can see medical college girls.
Judge : Is Gunde ke dono kan kaat do.
Gunda : Nahin main andha ho jaunga.
Judge : Kaan katne se andha kaise honge?
Gunda : Chashma kya tere baap ke kan pe bethaunga?
Teacher: You idiot! At your age Einstein was ranked 1st in class. What about you?
Student: Sir, at your age Hitler committed suicide! What about you?!
Ek sharabi mar hi raha ta tab Bhagwan pratyaksh hoke usse poocha: "Koi antim ichcha?' Sharabi: Aagle janam me ek liver extra laga dena! Thanks, Madhukar
Sunday, December 7, 2008
proud Hillbilly
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Paris,Tennessee.
After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five
different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fell into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the
bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers
on and off, though it was a fine, dry summer's night, flicked the
blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then
switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and
then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other
patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled
out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having
waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on
the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a
breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no
evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me
to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly. "Tonight I'm the
After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five
different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fell into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the
bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers
on and off, though it was a fine, dry summer's night, flicked the
blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then
switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and
then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other
patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled
out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having
waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on
the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a
breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no
evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me
to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly. "Tonight I'm the
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
ARTHRITIS jokes
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next
to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say
Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' Then
returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How
long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does.'
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next
to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say
Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' Then
returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How
long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does.'
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Why the US is in crisis...??? ...... ...!!!!!
An Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.
The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
An American Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.'
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
The Price of Heroism
A guy walks into heaven and is greeted by heaven's secretary. "Well hello Mr. Jones", the secretary politely says "We'd love to have you here, but I'm afraid you can't come in unless you did a good deed in your life, and your record doesn't show anything. Did you do anything good?"
"Well recently, I saw this man being mugged by a three huge gang-bangers. So, I stopped my car, and pulled out my tire iron. Then, I walked to their leader and hit him hard on the head. After he fell dead, I looked at the others and said,'Who wants some o' this?"
"That's very brave, and kind. What happened next?" Asked the celestial secretary.
"I'm here now, aren't I?"
"Well recently, I saw this man being mugged by a three huge gang-bangers. So, I stopped my car, and pulled out my tire iron. Then, I walked to their leader and hit him hard on the head. After he fell dead, I looked at the others and said,'Who wants some o' this?"
"That's very brave, and kind. What happened next?" Asked the celestial secretary.
"I'm here now, aren't I?"
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
A Tough Question
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Montecassino went tothe local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said,'Father ... during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
The priest replied, 'That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that.'
'There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'
The priest said, 'By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'
'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question.'
'And what is that, my son?' asked the priest.
'Should I tell her the war is over?'
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said,'Father ... during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
The priest replied, 'That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that.'
'There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'
The priest said, 'By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'
'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question.'
'And what is that, my son?' asked the priest.
'Should I tell her the war is over?'
Sunday, May 18, 2008
McDonald's love story...
A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald's one cold winterevening.They looked out of place amid the young families and young coupleseating there that night.Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what theadmirers were thinking:
"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probablyfor 60 years or more!"The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order withno hesitation and then paid for their meal.The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food offof the tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it inhalf.He placed one half in front of his wife.Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in twopiles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the manbegan to eat his few bites.
Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. -"They were used to sharing everything."Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten athing.She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped someof the drink.
A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatlywith a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.
After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little oldlady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything.What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered,"THE TEETH"
"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probablyfor 60 years or more!"The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order withno hesitation and then paid for their meal.The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food offof the tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it inhalf.He placed one half in front of his wife.Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in twopiles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the manbegan to eat his few bites.
Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. -"They were used to sharing everything."Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten athing.She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped someof the drink.
A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatlywith a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.
After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little oldlady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything.What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered,"THE TEETH"
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Modern Heights
Modern Heights
1. What is height of Fashion?
A. Dhoti with a zip .
************ **
2. What is height of Secrecy?
A. Offering blank visiting cards.
A. Offering blank visiting cards.
************ **
3. What is height of Active laziness?
A. Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.
3. What is height of Active laziness?
A. Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.
************ **
4. What is height of Craziness?
A. Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.
A. Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.
************ **
5. What is height of Forgetfulness?
A. Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.
A. Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.
************ **
6. What is height of Stupidity?
A. A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.
A. A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.
************ **
7. What is height of Honesty?
A. A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.
A. A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.
************ **
8. What is height of Suicide?
A. A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.
A. A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.
************ **
9. What is height of De-hydration?
A. A cow giving milk powder
A. A cow giving milk powder
.************ **
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
BEST SMART-ARSED ANSWERS OF THE YEAR
*SMART ARSED ANSWER 6 *
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ARSED ANSWER 5*
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'
*
SMART ARSED ANSWER 4*
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a supermarket but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
*
SMART ARSED ANSWER 3*
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket*.
SMART ARSED ANSWER 2 *
A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'
The truck driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!'
*
SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR*
A teacher at a TAFE college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-arse at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ARSED ANSWER 5*
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'
*
SMART ARSED ANSWER 4*
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a supermarket but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
*
SMART ARSED ANSWER 3*
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket*.
SMART ARSED ANSWER 2 *
A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'
The truck driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!'
*
SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR*
A teacher at a TAFE college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-arse at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
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