Tuesday, October 27, 2009

We're not going to have babies

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind.

'That's a serious step,' he said. 'Have you thought it out completely?'

'Yes,' his young son answered. 'We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.

' 'How about transportation?' the father asked.

'I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,' the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, 'What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know.'

'We've thought about that, too,' the little boy replied. 'We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!

Friday, October 23, 2009

Just a regular married guy

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearlyforty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.

The noise would always awake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.

Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping onein the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands.

She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out".

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Thanks giving morning..

Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey.

While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem.

With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into abowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back thecovers and then gently pulled aback her husband's jockey shorts. Shethen placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tip-toed back downstairs to finishpreparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling screamand the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.

The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up asshe rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in hisblood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit herlip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts outone of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Pappu: Dad what's Sex

Pappu: Dad what's Sex?
Santa gets tensed but explains everything.
Pappu: But dad how do I write all that in this small box of school admission form? .................................................

Santa: Is operation se mujhe kuchh ho gaya to isi doctor se shadi kar Lena.
Jeeto: Aise kyo kah rahe ho?
Santa: Doctor se badla Lene ka yehi 1 rasta hai!

.................................................

Santa: Station tak Jane ke kitne paise?
Rikshawala: 10 Rs
Santa: 2 Rs mein chalega to theek hai
Rikshawala: 2 Rs mein kaun Le ke jayega?
Santa: Peeche baith main lekar jata hoon.

.................................................
Santa to wife: Did u hav any boy friend before marriage?
Wife remain silent.
Santa: Main is khamoshi ko kya samjhu?
Wife: Bewakoof ginan tan de.


Best adult Joke of this year

If Columbus had been married, he might never have discovered America, because he would have had to answer all the following questions and listen to such dramatic statements:
Where are you going?
With whom?
Why?
How are you going?
To discover what?
Why only you?
What do I do when you are not here?
Can I come with you?
When will you be back?
Will you be home for dinner?
What will you bring for me?
You deliberately made this plan without me, didn't you?
You seem to be making a lot of these programs lately... Answer me why?
I want to go to my mother's house. I want you to drop me there. I don't want to come back ever! What do you mean, OK?
Why aren't you stopping me?
I don't understand what this whole 'discovery' thing is about. You always do things like this. Last time also you did the same thing! Nowadays you always seem to do this kind of stuff. I still don't understand what else is left to be discovered!


husband needs rest and peace

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you

************ ********* ********* ********* *
Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?

It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!

Wife: No darling, it means,

With Idiot For Ever


************ ********* ********* ********* *


Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,

So I'd be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,

So I could have a new one everyday.
************ ********* ********* ********* *

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.

Husband: You should have known it the minute

I asked you to marry me.


************ ********* ********* ********* *
Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it.

So I bought 3 movie tickets.

Wife: Why Three?

Husband: For you and your parents


************ ********* ********* *********

Q: What is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?

A: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again

************ ********* ********* *********
Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest?

Husband: A lovely Push...!!!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

One of my balls has turned blue

"I think I have a problem, Doc," says a patient. "One of my balls has turned blue."

The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.

"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do such a thing to me!"

"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.

Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."

Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very resistant to the idea.

"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation.

After two weeks of being testicle-less, the patient returns to the doctor and says, "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."

After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient does not want to hear about it.

"You want to die?" asks the doctor.

"But... how do I pee?"

"We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."

So the patient has his penis removed. A short while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again.

He is very angry.

"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"

"What?"

"The plastic pipe turned blue. Can you tell me what the hell is
happening??"

The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says,

"Hmmm, I don't know. Could it be the dye from your jeans?"

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I was looking for the expiry date

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

------------ --------- --------- -

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
------------ --------- --------- -

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

------------ --------- --------- ------------ --------- -----

Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------ --------- ---------

Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap'

____________ _________ _________ __

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?' '

Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------ --------- --------- ------------ --------- ---------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

------------ --------- --------- -

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

Monday, October 12, 2009

Advice Lawyer

Billing A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Always tell your wife the truth. She won't believe you anyway

Always tell your wife the truth collection of funny jokes?click to Join Us A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.

He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. "Where the hell have you been?" "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and...

"You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!"
*********
Moral of the story : Always tell your wife the truth. She won't believe you anyway.
**********

Indian way of doing Business

The Indian way of doing Business ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~


Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in Washington D.C. One from Bangladesh , another from India and the third, from China. They go with a White House office to examine the fence.

The Bangladesh contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my team and $100 profit for me)".

The Chinese contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. ($300 for materials, $300 for my team and $100 profit for me)".

The Indian contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, outraged says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Indian contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from China to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

how about that drink?

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.' Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see, 'laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?'

shake hands with a personal friend

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family
and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would
you say to her?" Mike replies "Wait a minute, I'm going for a p."

The teacher says : "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says : "That's much better but to mention the word
''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Billy says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go
shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to
introduce to you after dinner. " The teacher passed out..