Take Boss temperature

A grumpy, overbearing office manager once had to spend a couple  of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses,  bossing them around just like he did his employees. None of the
hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who would stand up to him.

She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for a few minutes he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse said, "For this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After inserting the thermometer, she said, "Now, I have to go get something. You stay
just like that until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out, and the man cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door snickering. After quite some time had passed, a doctor walked
into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"

After a pause, the doctor replied, "Yes... but never with a DAFFODIL!"

*********************************************************
 Two drunks were driving down the road. The first drunk looked
over to the other drunk and says, "I think we are getting closer
to downtown."

The second drunk says, "How can you tell?"

The first drunk says "We're hitting more and more people."

CALLING My Boss

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead:
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week." The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:

"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . .
he replied laughing,"Coz . . ." "I just love hearing it. . . ."

World's Smallest resignation letter

Respected sir,
I luv ur wife.
Yours sincerely.

Sexual Harrasment

A secretary complains to Boss - Boss, every morning a guy comes to me and saysyour HAIR smells sweet .. !!

Boss - whats the big deal ??

Secretaty - Boss, he is 3 feet tall ...

Dead lock

Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad, so make arrangement.

Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.

Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going abroad for a week, so lets spend the week together.

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tution: I have work for a week, so you need not come for class.

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a week I don't have class 'coz my teacher is busy. Lets spend the week together.

Grandpa(the 1st boss ;) ) make call to his secretary: This week I am spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend that meeting.

Secretary make call to her husband: This week my boss has some work, we cancelled our trip.

Husband make call to secret lover: We cannot spend this week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tution: This week we will have class as usual.

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I can't give you company.

Grandpa make call to his secretary: Don't worry this week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangement.

Myrddin

Myrddin had gotten a part time job at the Post Office and the supervisor there had been warned that he was somewhat of a dullard, butthe supervisor took a liking to him and agreed to let Myrddin help him. If nothing else, he would be an extra set of hands. The supervisor gives Myrddin the job of sorting, and much to everyone's surprise, Myrddin separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Myrddin at the end of the day."I just want you to know," he said, "that we're all very proud of you. You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had." "Thank you," said Myrddin, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even better." "Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do better?"

Myrddin replied, "Tomorrow I am going to read the addresses."

Relate ur self

There are 2 people always next to you: 1 - The (Manager), smiling pleasantly to hide evil intentions! 2 - The (Team Leader), busy figuring out what work to dump on you next.....
And, there's YOU, who struggles with it all!

The perfect picture is given below

And finally GOD created MAN

GOD created the DONKEY and told him, 'You will work tireless from sunrise up to sunset, carrying heavy bags on your back, you will eat grass. You will not have intelligence and you will live 50 years. You will be a DONKEY!
'The DONKEY answered, 'I will be a DONKEY, but living 50 years is too much, give me only 20 years!' and GOD gave him 20 years.

GOD created DOG and told him ' You will look after man's house, you will be his best friend, you will eat whatever they give you and you will live 25years, You will be a DOG!
'The DOG answered 'GOD, living 25 years is too much, give only 10 years!' and GOD gave him 10 years.

GOD created the MONKEY and told him, 'you will jump from branch to branch you will do silly things, you will be amusing and you will live 20 years, you will be a MONKEY!
'The MONKEY answered ' GOD, living 20 years is too much , give me only 10 years!' and GOD gave him 10 years.

Finally,GOD created MAN and told him, 'you will be a MAN the only rational being on this earth and you will use your intelligence to control other animals, you will dominate the world and you will live for 20 years.
The MAN answered, GOD I will be a man but living 20 years is not enough, why don't you give me the 30 years that the DONKEY refused, the 15 years that the DOG didn't want and the 10 years that the MONKEY refused ?'That was exactly what GOD did, and since then:

MAN lives 20 years like a MAN, then he gets married and spends 30 years like a DONKEY, working and carrying the load on his back.
Then, when his children leave he spends 15 years like DOG looking after the house and eating whatever is given to him.
Then he gets old, retires and spends 10 years like a MONKEY, jumping from house to house or from children to children, doing silly things to amuse his grandchildren!

boss and me

When I Take a long time to finish, I am slow,
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough

When I don't do it, I am lazy,
When my boss does not do it, he is busy,

When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart,
When my boss does the same, he takes the initiative,

When I please my boss, I am apple polishing,
When my boss pleases his boss, he is cooperating,

When I make a mistake, I' am an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When I am out of the office, I am wondering around.
When my boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When I am on a day off sick, I am always sick.
When my boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview
When my boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked

When I do good, my boss never remembers,
When I do wrong, he never forgets

Senior Manager

Ammar has spent many days crossing the desert without water. Hiscamel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certainthat he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees anobject sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. Hecrawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discoverswhat looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops agenie....
But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a Senior Manager IDbadge and dull grey suit.
"Well" says the genie. "You know how it works. You have threewishes."
"I'm not falling for this." says Ammar. "I'm not going to trust aSenior Manager."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and itlooks like you're a goner anyway!"
Ammar thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genieis right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful foodand drink."
***POOF***
Ammar finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters ofdelicacies."OK, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
Ammar finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled withrare gold coins and precious gems."OK, you have just one more wish.
Better make it a good one!"After thinking for a few minutes, Ammar says..."I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want andneed me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story?If a Senior Manager offers you anything, there's going to be astring attached.

Pet Shop

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a monkey.
The shop owner points to 3 identical looking monkeys on a perch and says the monkey on the left cost $ 500.00,
Why does that one cost so much? asked the shopper.
The owner says well the monkey knows how to use a computer.
The man then asks about the next monkey and was told that this one cost $1000.00 because it can do everything the other monkey can do plus he knows the Unix operating system.
Naturally the increasingly startled man asks about the third monkey to be told that it costs $ 2000.00 .
Needles to say this begs the question.
What can it do?
To which the owner replies:"To be honest I have never seen him do a thing but the other two call him BOSS"

Always allow the bosses to speak first

A junior Software engineer, a senior Software engineer and their Bossare on their way to a meeting.
On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rubthe lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is grantedthree wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each".
So the eager Junior Software engineer shouted, I want the first wish. Iwant to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries."Pfufffff,and he was gone.
Now the Senior Software engineer could not keep quiet and shouted " Iwant to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food andcocktails."Pfufffff , and he was also gone.
The Boss calmly said," I want these two idiots back in the office,"

Moral of the story is: Always allow the bosses to speak first"