Sunday, December 20, 2009

How to Make a Woman Happy


It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A guy only needs to be:  

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a phsiotherapist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24.. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself


IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes  

 HOW TO MAKE A GUY HAPPY

1. One Small Smile  

Apology letter


Deer sur,

If small small mistakes getting inside my letter, I big you pardon, ass I am not a good englis speaker.

This is my fist vijit to Bombai. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly,but for the following region, too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment.

I tolded I has head ache problem due to migration. Still the clerk rejected to give ticket to I and my sun.

I putted a complain on station masterji.

He said I to go to the lady clerk.

At first she also rejected. I then pressed for long time and finally with great difficulty she gave a birth to my sun.

Anyway I thanked the station master also because he was phully responsible for getting birth of my sun.

Ass a hole it was a bhery diphicult experiment in my hole life.

I hope u will look into explain my hole story after,and late me joint first.

I am now ending this fastly. I am a waiter for your responsement.

May God blast you!"


Yours awfully,
A.YADAV

exotic pet

A blonde, June, goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs. The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The girl, June, excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!' As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!' The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:


1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy nightie. 4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down inbetween your legs, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens!

The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions . Please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store.

The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.

The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man . . . Looking very concerned

Man Brain and Love


 John was waiting for his love....

"30 minutes late!!", his brain shouted at him, "Last time you were 5 mins late and she had literally gobbled u up ... remember??"

"Yeah yeah", he said to his brain, "You know her ... all moody and stuff .... oh there she is"

"Scold her OK?", his brain adviced.

"OK I will try"

Sweet Sally comes with the cutest smile and says "Im sorry honey ... I was shopping for shoes ... totally forgot about you"

"What if you had said that line buddy?", shouted his brain .... "she would have had a nervous breakdown"

John ignored his brain .. "Its OK honey .. its only half an hour .. no problem"

She smiled once again .. held his hand and asked "Hope you remember what occasion is today"

"OMG!!!", thought John .....

"Brain ... search database for reminders, anniversaries, silly anniversaries, birthdays and birthdays of people I dont care about"

Brain got into action ... he started delegating work to different parts ... parallel processing .. multiple search .......... complete memory scan.

Sally stared at John .... "Hello!! u have been staring at me for 2 minutes now ... u OK?"

"Huh!!!", he said, "Oh ... nothing's wrong .. was lost in thought"

"No records found", said the brain ...

"Damn!!", thought John

"So what say ... how do we celebrate this day?", she asked.

John is all confused ... "Ask her ...dumbo?". said the brain

"OK OK ...stop pushing me"

"Honey .. U know my lousy memory .. I guess I cant recall what today is"

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT T!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!" , she shouted ... and started crying.

"How could you forget!! ..... its my doggy's birthday"

"!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!"

A moment of silence.

His entire brain staff was laughing at him.

John was dumbfounded. "What the hell am I supposed to do know?", he asked his brain.

"Damage control sequence initialized ... dont worry our specialist will comeback with the perfect line to make everything all right"

"Better do it fast ..brainy"

The brain was working at 90% capacity ..... gathering and analyzing all data on 'How to handle women?'

Finally an answer was computed and communicated to John.

He looked up to her, and said "Of Course I remember your doggie's birthday ... how can I forget that sweet mutt's special day"

She looked up with utter surprise ...

"HUH!!!!!!! ....... Doggy is the name of my cat you jerk"

She stood up angrily and left. John and his brain were left there clueless ....


Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Americans must read this once

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let us begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F**k the Indians.'

'Now,who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'

Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,   1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997! '

Now with almost mob hysteria, someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson (RIP) to the child witnesses testifying against him - 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And, as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was the American people, November 4th, 2008".(recession)


Laloo and piglet

One day Laloo was traveling by car. He was going to a village for campaigning . Suddenly a piglet came across the car, the driver couldn't hit the brake in time and the baby pig was killed in the accident . At this sight, Laloo was deeply moved and felt very upset. He called the driver and said ,"Jiska e suuar hai hum usko compensesan dena chahta hoon . Usko dhundke lav ".

The driver went to the nearest village and came back after some time with a tilak on his forehead, garlands around his neck and lots of money in his hands!!!

Laloo was surprised . He asked ,"Hum tumko kaha tha ke uss aadmi ko laiye , aur tum aise wapas aaye ho! baat kya hai?"

At this the driver replied " I told them about the incident .. Hearing it they were rejoiced , put tilak and garlands on me, then danced for some time and gave me this money."

Laloo then asked him "Tum unko egjactly kaa bole?"

The driver replied :

"Main bola, MAIN Laloo Prasad Yadav KA DRIVER HOON , MAINE SUAAR KE BACHHE KO MAR DALA HAI......... ."


So SWEET HINDI SMS

 


Aap ke haath mein Mobile hai,
chehray pe khoob Smile hai,
Msgs ki achi khasi File hai,
phir bhi sms nahi karte ho,
Ye kon sa STYle hai


Roshni deker doob jana koi suraj se seekhey..
Dil deker dard lena ki ada koi humse seekhey..
kuch na deker Dil lena koi unse seekhey..
SMS leker REPLY na kerna koi Appse seekhey


Kya leke aye they,
Kya lekar jaoge,
Mujhe SMS na karke,
Zalim kitne Paise Bachaoge!


Meri taraf say apko 1 "PAPPI"
Apki saheli ko 1 "PAPPI"
Saheli ki saheli ko 1 "PAPPI"
Batau Q?
Aaj hi mere "DOGGY" ne 10 "PAPPI" ko janam dia hai!*


meri yaad aye: yaad karo.
Zyada aye : sms Karo.
Ussey zyada aye : phone karo
Ussey bhi zyada aye to millo
ager ussey bhi zyada aaye to ..
plz jhoot bolna band karo


kya ker rahay ho?
bussy ho?
kitna bussy ho?
ager kum ho to message kyun nahi karte ho?
ager ziyada ho to message kyun pad rahy ho ?


Marwadi Wish

A Marwadi having no child, no money, no home, a blind mother, prays to God.
God happy with his prayers, grants him only ONE wish!


Marwadi: I want my mother to see my wife putting Diamond bangles on my
Child's hands in our new home!


God: Damn !!! I still have a lot to learn from these Marwadi's


Lessons learnt from the above story:- 
 "Compile all requirements and present in one line rather than boring the appraiser for long time"