Wednesday, December 29, 2010

first golf lesson

 

A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do.

The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.

The pro said "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too hard grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis.".

The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway.

The pro said "That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this time take the club out of your mouth."

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also blonde.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

TOP TEN jokes for 2010

Baba Saxidas Se Unke Ek Bhakt Ne Pucha

Bhakt: “Baba Ladkiya Hamesha Phoolon Wali Panty Hi Kyu Pahnti Hai?”

Baba Saxidas: “Bacha Simple, Taki chooot Se Badbu Na Aaye“




Santa Ki Shadi Hui Par Suhagrat Mein Kya Krna Hote Hai Ye Usko Pata Nahi Thha.

Vo Apne Daddy Ke Pass Jaata Aur Puchta Hai Ki Kya Karu

Daddy: “Rat Ko Mujhe Phone Kriyo Aur Jaise Main Kahoon Vaise Hi Kriyo.”

Raat Ke 1.30 Baje Daddy Ko Phone Ata Hai.

Santa: “Daddy Batao Kya Karna Hai?”

Daddy: “Dulhan Ke Aur Apne Kapde Utar.”

Santa: “Fir?”

Daddy: “Dulhan Ki Taango K Beech Me Ched (Hole) Dikh Raha Hoga Tujhe?”

Santa: “Hanji Daddy Dikh Raha Hai”

Daddy: “Ab Jo Mere Paas Bhi Hai Aur Tere Paas Bhi Hai Vo Us Ched Mein Daal De”

Santa Ne Apna Mobile Hi Patni Ki chooot Mein Daal Diya




Santa Ko Thane Mein Laya Gaya, Aur Police Inpector Ke Aage Pesh Kiya Gaya

Inspector: “Tumne Is Bechare Bikhari Ko Itna Kyu Maara?”

Santa: “Mene Isko Kitni Baar Bola Ki Main Aisa Waisa Aadmi Nahi Hoon, Fir Bhi Sala Bolta Hai, Ek Baar De De Baba“




Baba Saxidas Bhakto Ko Gayan De Rahe Thhe Bole

“Bachho Bra Aur Baniyan Mein Kya Antar Hota Hai Ye Aaj Main Batane Jaa Raha Hun”


“Baniyan Mein Kapda Jayada Hota Hai Aur Weight Kam, Aur Bra Mein Kapda Kam Aur Weight Jayada Hota Hai“




TV Pe Ek Cooking Show Chal Raha Tha. Usmein Ek Lady Cook Host Thhi

Lady Cook: “Bahno Aaj Main Aapko Salad Banana Sikhaungi”

Sabse Pahle Ek Moti Mooli Le

Agar Maja Aa Raha Hai To Leti Rahe

Salad Banana Hum Fir Kabhi Sikh Lenge






Baba Saxidas Se Kisi Ne Pucha Ki “Why Women Are More Hot Than Men?”

Baba Saxidas Ne Technically Samjhaya: “Because Men Have 2 Zero Watt Bulbs & One 40 Watt Tube, Where As Women Have Two 500 Watt Bulbs & One 3000 Watts Oven.“





Maa Baap Apne 6 Saal Ke Bete Se: “Beta So Ja Nahi To Bhoot Aa Jayega”

Beta: “Aap Logo Ko To Bas Chudayi Ka Bahana Chahiye, Bhoot Ne Yaha Aake Kya Maa Chudvani Hai“





Ek Tharki Aadmi Baba Saxidas Ke Pass Gaya Aur Bola: “Baba Ji, Main Bahut Tharki Hun, Mujhe Nangi Ladkiya Dekhne Ka Bada Shonk Hai, Koi Esa Upay Batao Ki Main Ye Kam Marne Ke Bad Bhi Kar Saku”

Baba Saxidas Bole: “Bacha Ye Kaam To Bada Hi Asan Hai, Jake Apni Aankhein Donate Kar Do.“





Santa Ko Ek Din Hichki Aayi Aur Sath Mein Uska Lund Bhi Khada Ho Gaya

Santa: “Arrey Wah Lagta Hai Balbir Bhai Ke Saath Babhi Bhi Yaad Kar Rahi Hai”



Chodumal Khan Saab Ka Ek Sher Arz Hai

Meri gaaand Par Main Fida,

Teri gaaand Par Tu Fida,

Meri gaaand Par Main Fida,

Teri gaaand Par Tu Fida.

Aur Jis Din Teri Gand Par Main Fida,

Us Din Beta Samajh Le Tu Chuda

Bar & Bra

What are the similarities of BAR & BRA 

1. Both words have the same letters
2.. Both are drinking zones
3. Both have restricted timing
 for opening & closing 
4. More importantly, both makes men crazy when open.

Santa Aur Gloves

Santa Ne Hospital Me Ek Surgery Gloves Dekha,


Bar Bar Ulat Palat Ke Dekhne Ke Baad Bola 


" Lagta Hai Draupadi Ke Jamane Ka Condom Hai "

Sunday, October 3, 2010

3 friends in jungle

Ek Baar Teen Dost Jungle Mein Ja Rahe The To Unko Junglee Logon Ne Pakad Liya

Pakad Ke Vo Unko Apne Sardar Ke Paas Le Gaye.

Sardaar Ne Unko Kaha: “Jake Jungle Se Koi Bhi Fal (Fruit) Leke Aao”

Pahla Dost Ek Apple Le Ke Aaya. Sardar Ne Use Kaha: “Isko Apni gaan* Mein Ghusao, Koi Bhi Awaj Nikali To Maare Jaoge.”

Usne Jaisi Hi Apple gaan* Mein Gusaya To Dard Ke Maare Cheekh Nikal Gayi Aur Sardar Ne Usko Mar Diya

Dusra Dost Ek Angoor Le Ke Aaya Tha Sardar Ne Usko Bhi Maar Diya.

Swarg Me Pahla Dost Dusre Se Puchata Hai: “Yaar, Tu To Itna Chota Fal Leke Aaya Thha To Fir Chilaya Kyu?”

Dost Ne Jawab Diya: “Arey Mein Chilaya Nahi Thha, Vo Apna Teesra Dost Tarbooj Leke Aa Raha Thha To Main Apni Hasi Nahi Rok Paya“

utaaru kya

Santa Ne Raat Ko Novel Padhte Hue Apni Biwi Ki Panty Mein Hath Dala

Biwi Sharmate Hue Boli: “Utaaru Kya?”

Santa: “Nahi, Novel Ka Page Palatne Ke Liye Ungli Geeli Karni Thhi“

Defination Of MAJBOORI and GARIBI

“Garibi Aur Majboori Kya Hoti Hai?”



MAJBOORI:
“Jab Ladki 50 Rs. Mein Chudne Ke Liye Tayaar Ho Jaye."

Garibi:
"Jab Aap Ki Jeb Mein Sirf 45 Rupye Hi Hon“

santa running after a bus

Santa Ek Bus Ke Piche Teji Se Bhaag Raha Tha Aakhir Mein Usne Bus Pakad Hi Li.

Wo Driver Ke Pass Gaya Or Usko Bola – “Ye Bus Teri Ma Lagti Hai?”

Driver Bola – “Nahi”

Santa – “Behan Lagdi Hai?”

Driver – “Nahi”

Santa – “Biwi Lagti Hai?”

Driver – “Nahi”

Santa – “To Saale Fir Chadne Kyu Nahi Deta.”

minister and his wife

MINISTER: sach-sach batao,
tum kitni bar hamse bewafai ki ho?

WIFE: kul 3 bar.

MINSTR: kab-kab?

WIFE: jab apka dil ka operation tha to
Dr. ke pas gai thi,
Fir jab Aap jail me band hue to judge ke pas gai thi.

MINSTR: Aur Teesri bar?

WIFE: Jab apko sarkar banana tha,
Aur apke pas 76 MLAs kum the...

Another Visit to Dentist

A lady walks into the dentist's office, takes off her underwear, sits 
down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open. 
"You must have made a mistake " says the shocked dentist,"The gynecologist's office is one level higher. "
 
To that the lady replies, "No mistake, you installed my husband's dentures last week, now you'll be the one getting them out. "

Dentist Visit

There's the woman who goes to the dentist.
As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch
The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates. "

The woman replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we. "

Nuns in Convent - Morning Prayer Session

One day in the convent the nuns had their morning prayer session. At 
the end of the prayer session the head nun stood up and addressed the 
rest of the nuns. 

She said, "There was a man in the convent last night." 
99 of the nuns go ohhh, and 1 of them goes hee hee hee. 

The head nun goes on, "We found a condom in the garden." 
Again 99 of the nuns go ohhhh, 1 nun goes hee hee hee. 

The head nun continues "There was a hole in that condom." 
99 nuns go hee hee hee, 1 nun goes ohhh.

Girlfriend to surgeon

Girl to surgeon: Boyfriend ka bahut bada hai. Andar jate hi liver se takraataa hai.
Surgeon: Chotaa kar du?
Girl: Nahi Liver thoda uper kar do..

First Thing to do after Jail

Jack was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.

The only thing he said was, “F.F.”

His wife turned to him and answered, “E.F.”

Out on the highway, he said, “F.F.”

She responded simply, “E.F.”

He repeated, “F.F.”

She again replied, “E.F.”

“Mom! Dad!” their son yelled. “What’s going on?”

Jack answered, “Your mother wants to eat first!”

Ghanta Singh Back from delhi

1 baar Ghanta Singh delhi gumne gaya
delhi se aate hue wo folding bed kharid k leke aaya

aate hue raaste mein delhi railway station par use uska frnd milta hai or wo poochta hai
frnd...: ye folding bed kitne ka laaaya
man-: 1000 rs.ka

frnd-: kyun marwa aaya gand??humare yaha to 800 ka milta hai.
Ghanta Singh feel shy n start his journy

again in train meets another frnd
oye ye bed kitne ka laaya?
Ghanta Singh : thoda rate kam karke bola ki 800 ka
frnd : kyun marwa aaya gand humare yaha to 500 ka milta hai

to fir wo mum railway station par pohunch gaya or use fir uska dost mil gaya
frnd :are ye bed kitne ka laay yaar??
Ghanta Singh : 500 ka....
frnd : areee marwa aaya gand yaha mum mein to 300 ka milta hai...

at last he reach the home and his fathe asks him kaha se aa raha hai ?
Ghanta Singh-: gand marwa ke
father : to saale bed bhi ghar se leke gaya tha kya.??????

Costume Party

A guy goes into a costume shop. 
He says, "I'm going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam. " 
The girl brings out a fig leaf. 
He says, "Not big enough. "
She brings out a bigger one. 
He says, "Still not big enough. "
She brings out a huge fig leaf. 
He says, "Still not big enough. "
She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump? "

santa calls in girls hostel

Santa Ne Girls Hostel Me Phone Kiya : “Meena Hai Kya?”

Warden Ne Pucha : “Piche Kya Lagati Hai Wo?”

Santa : “Ab To Pata Nahi Ji, Par Pehle Sarson Ka Tel Lagati Thi“

Top Four Adult Jokes

Fourth Place: 

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby 
and as he does, his elbow goes into her ******. 
They are both quite startled. 

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, 

if your heart is as soft as your ******, 
I know you'll forgive me.' 

She replies, 'If your ***** is as hard as your elbow, 

I'm in room 221..' 

----------------------------------------------------------- 

Third Place: 

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, 

the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. 

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, 

I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow 

and I want to stay fresh.' 

The husband, rejected, turns over. 

A few minutes later, he rolls back over 

and taps his wife again. 

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?' 

--------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Second Place: 

Bill worked in a pickle factory. 
He had been employed there for a number of years 
when he came home one day to confess to his wife 
that he had a terrible compulsion ~ 
He had an urge to stick his ***** into the pickle slicer. 

His wife suggested that he should see a *** therapist 
to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. 

One day, a few weeks later, Bill came home 
and his wife could see at once that something 
was seriously wrong. 

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked. 

'Do you remember that I told you how I had 
this tremendous urge to put my 
***** into the pickle slicer?' 

'Oh, Bill, you didn't!', she exclaimed. 

'Yes, I did.' he replied. 
'My God, Bill, what happened?' 
'I got fired.' 

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?' 

'Oh...she got fired too.' 

------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

Winner: 

A couple had been married for 50 years. 

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning 
when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago 
we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.' 

'I know,' the old man said. 

'We were probably sitting here ***** 
as a jaybird fifty years ago..' 

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' 

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and 
sat down at the table. 

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'my ******s are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 

'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal." 

Military Jokes

In the 1970's , before women were allowed to sign up for combat duty, 
a man was bragging to his friends about how his sister disguised 
herself as a man and was able to join the army.
"But, wait a minute," said one listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and 
shower with them too. Won't she? "
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well, won't they find out? " asked his friend.

The man shrugged and replied, "But who will tell? "

Can you loan

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”

She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?” She says, “A hundred dollars.”

He says, “All I got is thirty”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?”

“A hand job”, Harry reply.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE ……

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”

Women tryin to hide age

Women tryin to hide age

A woman decides to have a face-lift, for her birthday. She spends $5000, and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 32,” is the reply. “Nope! I’m exactly 47,” the woman says happily.

A little while later, she goes into McDonald’s, and asks the counter girl, the very same question. The girl replies, “I guess about 29.” The woman replies, “Nope, I’m 47.”

Now she’s feeling really good, about herself. She stops in a drugstore, on her way down the street. She! goes up to the counter, to get some mints, and asks the clerk, this burning question. The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.” Again she proudly responds, “I am 47, but thank you.”

While waiting, for the bus to go home, she asks an old man, waiting next to her, the same question. He replies, “Lady, I’m 78, and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way, to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you, to let me, put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”

They wait in silence on the empty street, until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, “What the heck, go ahead.” He slips both of his hands, under her blouse, and under her bra, and begins to feel around, very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each ******. He gently pinches each ******. He pushes her ******s together, and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay, how old am I?”

He completes one last squeeze of her ******s, removes his hands and says, “Madam, you are 47.” Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?” The old man replies, “Promise you won’t get mad?” “I promise I won’t.” she says.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
He replies, “I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.

Short and crispy

3 Galz having lunch.
1st said" i saw d condoms in boss drawer. 2nd said: i also saw & punchered them. 3rd Said: HaramZadi pehle batana tha na !!

Susu

Theater Mein Naari Pradhan Film Chal Rahi Thhi

Ek Ladki Josh Mein Khadi Ho Kar Boli

“Aaj Naari Khadi Ho Jaaye To Kya Nahi Kar Sakti?”

Piche Se Awaj Aayi: “Susu“

Ek Baar Santa Ek Ladki Ki Gaan* Maar Raha Thha

Ek Baar Santa Ek Ladki Ki Gaan* Maar Raha Thha

Achanak Santa Bola: “Oye Main To Batana Hi Bhool Gaya Mujhe To AIDS Hai”

Ladki Darrr Ke:” Kyaaaaaaaaaaa”

Santa: “Oye Main To Mazaak Kar Raha Tha, Main To Sirf Tumhari Gaan* tight Karna Chahta Tha Iss Liye Esa Bola“