Friday, January 30, 2009

Kashmir – Whom does it belong to

Speech of DG Kashmir at UN                                               
                                                                        
An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the     
United Nations Assembly that made the world community smile.             
                                                                        
A representative from India began: 'Before beginning my talk I want to   
tell you something about a rishi named Kashyapa of Kashmir (Kashyapa,     
son of Marichi, son of Brahma), after whom Kashmir is named.             
                                                                        
When he struck a rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a     
good opportunity to have a bath.'  He removed his clothes, put them       
aside on the rock and entered the water.  When he got out and wanted     
to dress, his clothes had vanished.  A Pakistani had stolen them.'       
                                                                        
The Pakistani representative jumped up furiously and shouted, 'What       
are you talking about? The Pakistanis weren't there at that time.'       
                                                                        
The Indian representative smiled and said, 'And now that we have made     
that clear, I will begin my speech.'                                     
                                                                        
                                                                        
"...............And they say Kashmir belongs to them..................  

morning...

         One day a fisherman got up very early in the morning.
 
          There was not enough sunlight to get into the sea.
        
          He saw a pack of stones to pass time.

          He started throwing the stone into the sea.
 
          While having the last stone in the hand,
          the sun came up then he saw that the stone was a diamond.

          He felt for his misfortune of throwing all of them into the sea...



Moral of the story:
*********************

Do not get up early in the morning...

Thursday, January 29, 2009

peacefully life

A boy and a girl were playing together. The boy had a collection of marbles. The girl had some sweets with her. The boy told the girl that he will give her all his marbles in exchange for her sweets. The girl agreed.

The boy kept the biggest and the most beautiful marble aside and gave the rest to the girl. The girl gave him all her sweets as she had promised.

That night, the girl slept peacefully. But the boy couldn't sleep as he kept wondering if the girl had hidden some sweets from him the way he had hidden his best marble.

Moral of the story: If you don't give your hundred percent in a relationship, you'll always keep doubting if the other person has given his/her hundred percent.. This is applicable for any relationship like love, friendship, employer-employee relationship etc., Give your hundred percent to everything you do then live life peacefully

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Sholay : Excellent mail in this global recession


Jay : Mausi, ladka Satyam mein kaam karta  hai..
Mausi : Hai ram..!!! Aur kahin try kar raha hai kya??

Jay : kahan mausi, 2 saal Satyam me rahne ke baad koi Company leti kahan hai...
Mausi : Hi Raam to kya 2 saal se Satyam mein hi hai..

Jay : haan socha tha 2 saal me salary hike hogi hi. Aajkal to salary
bhi jyada NAHI mil rahi hai use..
Mausi : To kya salary BHI KAM milti HAI..?

Jay : Ab appraisal bhi to asaani se kahaan hota hai  mausi..
Mausi : Hai hai ...!! To kya appraisal bhi nahi hota uska..? Jay : Senior se ladhai karne ke baad appraisal mein achhi rating to
nahin milti hai na... Mausi..
Mausi : To kya seniors se ladhta bhi hai..?

Jay : Ab 2 saal tak onsite Jane  ko na mile to ho jaati hai kabhi kabhi anban..
Mausi : To kya AB tak ek baar bhi onsite nahi gaya ...???

Jay : Ab Outdated technology ke developer  ki kismat mein to yehi
likha hai mausi..
Mausi : kya kaha ladka  Outdated technology mein kaam karata hai..!!!

Mausi : Kaunse college se padhai ki hai..?
Jay : Uska pataa lagte hi hum aapko khabar  de  denge!! Jay : To main rishta pakka samjhuna mausi???
Mausi : Beta, kan khol kar sun Le...Sagi mausi hoon basanti ki, koi
sauteli maa nahi....Bhale hi hamaari Basanti Call Center wale Chandu
se shaadi kar Le par Satyam ke employee se katai nahin karegi .

Thursday, January 22, 2009

calling customer care


Amitabh: Thank you for calling customer care... rishte mein to hum tumhare baap lagate hian filhaal ek customer care rep hain...
Customer: (angrily) I NEED YOUR MANAGER
Amitabh: Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne mere baap ko chor kaha tha.. Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne meri maa ko gaali dekar naukri se nikaal diya tha.. Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne mere haath pe yeh likh diya tha... uske baad uske baad mere bhai.. Tum jis manager ko kahoge main laaonga.

***********************************************
Dharmendra: Thank you for calliiiiingg. .
Customer: I need help
Dharmendra: main aaraahoon maa.......
Customer: I am unable to use your product... its waste and worthless
Dharmendra: Kutte mein tera khoon peejaaonga..
Customer: What!!! I need your manager
Dharmendra: (To his manager) Manager is customer ke saamne nahi naachna


********************************************************
Shatru : Aaaaaiiin Kis ullllu ke patthe ne call kiya hai...
Customer : How dare you speak like that
Shatru : Khaaaamoshhhhh. .. seedhi tarah bolde issue kya hai warna... haaaaaaaaa!! !


***********************************************************
Asrani: hahhaaaaaaa naya kabutar ne call kiya
Customer: I lost my invoice
Asrani : Hahhaaaaaaaa hamare jasoos kone kone mein phaile hue hain miljayegi hum angrezon ke zamaane ke rep hain..haahhaaa

**************************************************************
Kestu Mukherji: Iiiiiihhhhye. ...
Customer: hi
Kestu Mukherji : iiiihhhyeee tumko ....tumko kya problem hai
Customer : I have not received my product
Kestu Mukherji : To saale (hicup) main kya karoon.. Police mien report likha...


******************************************************************
Bindu: Shabnam naam hai mera... pyar se log shabbo bolte hain..bolo main tumhare kis kaam aasakti hoon.

***************************************************************************

Shakti: AAAuuuuuu... mera naam hai balllllllllma. Thank you for calling aaauuuuu
Customer: I need your manager
Shakti: Mujhse baat karona.. Main ek chhota sa, nanha sa, pyarasa...rep hooon..

*******************************************************************

Mehmood: Ayyo Dyevi ... thank youji for calling ji.. Ayyo
Customer : I am not devi
Mehmood : Ayyo muruga... ye dyevi nai ji ... ye to dyeva hai...


********************************************************************

Ajit: Saara shehar mujhe Lion ke naam se jaanta hai..... May I know your name please
Customer : Mona
Ajit: Mona darling... tumne hamein call kyun kiya
Customer : (Angrily) I WANT YOUR MANAGER
Ajit: Mona dear.. Agar hum tumhe hamara manager dedenge to hamein manage kaun karega....


**************************************************************
Gabbar : HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHA ....Jo dargaya wo maraga... batao tumhen kya chahiye
Customer : I want to buy a product from your company
Gabbar: Kitne paise hai re
Customer : $ 10.00
Gabbar: Suvvar Ke baccho ... sirf... $10.00...dhikkaar hai


***************************************************************
Prem Chopra: Prem...Prem naam hai mera.. Prem chopra...
Customer : I lost my invoice I need one
Prem Chopra: Kar bhalaa to ho bhalaa..jaa apni invoice khud dhoondle

***********************************************************
Rajkumar : Jaani ..... Tumhara ye call bahut keemti hai.. Ise cut mat karna
Customer: I lost my invoice
Rajkumar: Jaani... ye invoice hai.. Bacchon ke khelne ki cheez nahi
Customer : shut up.. I need my invoice sent to me in 10 minutes... otherwise I will speak to your manager
Rajkumar : Dhamki kisi aur ko jaakar dena... manager humko darasake manager mein itna dum nahi... humse hai manager... manager se hum nahi...

dead big

First-year students at Texas A & M's Vet school were attending their first Anatomy class, with a real dead pig.

the Professor  touched his finger in the mouth of the dead pig, withdrew it and put his Finger in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns putting their finger in the mouth of the dead pig and tasted in their mouth.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The Second most important quality is observation. I touched with my middle Finger and tasted on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention…

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The 5 toughest questions for men ?

The 5 toughest questions for men are:



1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What
makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (
i.e.tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is
analyzed below, along with possible responses.




Question # 1: What are you thinking about?



The
proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive,
dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful,
caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to

have met you."



This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:


a. Baseball.
b. Football.

c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.

e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.


(Perhaps
the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once
told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be
talking to you!")




Question # 2: Do you love me?


The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, shit loads.

b.. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.

d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?


Question # 3: Do I look fat?


The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:


a. Compared to what?

b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.

d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how Iwould spend the insurance money if you died.




Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?


Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality.

b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c.. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.

d. Define pretty..
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.


Question# 5: What would you do if I died?


A definite no-win question


 


I was just thinking about how Iwould spend the insurance money if you died.



 



How a Mechanical Engineer Thinks about a Girl

Girl is the Best Vehicle in the World

·        FRONT – Two Bumpers

·        BACK – Two Bumpers

·        Self Lubricant when HOT!!

·        Finger-Touch Ignition

·        Monthly Automatic Engine Oil Change

·        Every Type of Piston Fits

·        Highest Mileage of 9 months in just 2ml fuel


Engineers Rock!! 

Sunday, January 4, 2009

bad golf

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three
other priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and
time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots,
their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"

"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "Why?"

"Because," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such
clean language."

A Sardar furniture

A Sardar furniture dealer decided that he wanted to expand the line of
furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French
capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a new
range of furniture that he thought would sell well back home in India .

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a pub and have a
glass of wine.

As he sat down enjoying his wine, soon enough, a very beautiful
attractive young lady came to his table, asked him something in French
(which he did not understand), and motioned towards the chair.

He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in Hindi, Punjabi
& English, but she did not speak or know any of these languages. So,
after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a
napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it her.

She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another
napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.

They left the pub and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group
playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took
another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.

She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe
closed and the band was packing up.

Then, after they were back at their table, the young lady took a
napkin and drew a picture of a bed.

........ ............ ........ Would you believe it..
....!!!

Till this day, the Sardar has no idea how she figured out
that he was in the furniture business!!!!