Saturday, October 25, 2008

world of jokes

LITTLE LALOO

Little Lalloo was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. 'Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?' he asked his mother. 'He thinks a lot,' replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Or she was until little Lalloo thought for a second and asked, 'So why do you have so much hair?'




PAYING BILLS

Two guys robbed a rob a bank and mess it up, managing to escape with two sacks that they find on the floor. And they take one sack each. After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, 'What did you find in your sack?' 'Ten lakh Rupees!' 'Wow.... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?' 'I bought a house. How about your sack?' 'Bah... it was full of bills.' 'And what did you do with them?' 'Eh, well... little by little, I'm paying them off...'



RAILWAY STATION
Three professors had walked down to the train station from the University. They were so absorbed in their conversation that they didn't hear the train arrive, but they did notice the noise of the train as it started to depart. After a desperate rush two of them manage to scramble onboard. The third looked sad and a passing railway official said, 'Don't feel bad, atleast two out of three of you made it.' 'True…', sighed the professor, 'But the other two were only here to see me off!'



WHAT A DREAM
Wife: I dreamed you gave me $100 for summer clothes last night. You wouldn't spoil that dream, would you, Dear? Husband: Of course not, Darling. You may keep the $100.



Captain Ronald


Could you please tell me the condition of Captain Ronald in Room No. 605? He was operated upon last week and I'd like to know his condition.' The nurse excused herself and then returned to the phone. 'I have just checked Captain Ronald's chart. His condition is excellent and he seems to be making steady improvement. Who shall I say called?' 'This is Captain Ronald in room. No.605. my doctors don't tell me a thing!




MARRYING DAUGHTER

Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding: "as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."




MUNDAN

This leave letter is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son: "as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days."



LEAVE APPLICATION


Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows: 'Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.'





DOUGHNUT

Customer: Waitress, why is my doughnut all smashed? Waitress: You said you wanted a cup of coffee and a doughnut, and step on it.




PIANO

Sardarji zebra crossing ke black & white patte par bar bar idhar-udhar chalta tha, woh kya soch raha hoga....think............."SALA YE PIANO BAJTA KYO NAHI"




COINCIDENCE

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?" STUDENT: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."




GIRLISH FIGURE

'So you met Suneeta today?' 'Yes, I hadn't seen her for eight years. 'Has she kept her girlish figure?' 'Kept it? She doubled it.'



STRANGE SOCKS

TEACHER: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots! BALGOBIN: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home.




GEORGE WASHINGTON

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?" BALGOBIN: "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"




GO SLOW

TEACHER: Why are you late? BALGOBIN: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? BALGOBIN: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."





DRUNK ?

Nelson got arrested and was brought before the Judge. 'Who brought you in?' asked the Judge. 'Two policemen, Sir.' 'Drunk, I assume?' 'Both of them, Your Honour, both of them.'




HIT BACK

The scene in the film was tense and the audience sat enthralled. Suddenly, the hero slapped the heroine on the face. In the silence that followed, a young voice piped up: 'Why doesn't she hit back like you do, mummy?'

Friday, October 24, 2008

Pathan awalys pathans

Pathan Joke Love Jokes? Click to join this group 80,000 Pathans meet in the Peshawar Stadium for a "Pathans Are Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that Pathans are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A Pathan works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks him, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds he says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 PAthans start cheering, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give him another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the Pathan starts crying and the 80,000 men begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance-- What is 2 plus 2?"

The man closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 pathans jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...

"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"


Wednesday, October 22, 2008

must read HINDI adult jokes

boy : agar me tumhe kiss karke bhag jau to ?
girl : to kya me aisa samajti ki jo ladka pura paper complete kar
sakta tha, lekin woh objective likh ke chala gaya

----------------------------------------------------------
Chitti aur Hathi LOVE marrige hui.
2 din ke baad Chitti vidhwa ho gai.
Chitti : wah bhagvan yeh kaisa insaf hai
sirf 2 din ka pyar aur umr bhar kabar banane ki saja di hai...

----------------------------------------------------------
LEARN FROM DOT.

Even a single dot can make stop a big statement.
but A few more can restart it....
----------------------------------------------------------

My heart problem has
reached a critical stage.
That doctor says:
There r only 2 options left…
ICU
Or
U C Me.

postdated

A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road.
The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900, so $900 is what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."

Adult sex jokes

Brothel Parrot


A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, 'Hi Keith.'


************************************************************************

A high school girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party all alone.

Since she was very good looking, she was a bit nervous about what
to do if boys hit on her. Her Mom said,

"It is very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask
him 'What will be the name of our baby?', that will scare them
off." So off she went.

After a little while at the party a boy started dancing with her
and, little by little, kissing her and touching her. She asked
him, "What will our baby be called?"

The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later the
same thing happened again, a boy started to kiss her neck, her
shoulders... she stopped him and asked him 'What will be the name
of our baby?',

He ran off.

Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes
he started kissing her and she asked him, "What will our baby be
called?"

He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our
baby be called?" she asked once more.

He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!"
she asked again.

After he was done, he peeled off his condom, tied it in a knot
and said,

"...if he gets out of this one...David Copperfield!"

world famous HINDI SMS Collection - 26

SMS Collection - 26


181) Kismat se apni sabko shikayat ku hoth hai?
Jo Nahi Mil Sakta Usise Mohobbat Ku Hoti Hai???
Kitne kante hai raho mei , fir bi dil ko UsiKi aane ki aas kyu hoti hai...


182) Kuch bikhre Sapne hai,
Kuch tuti Yaadein hai..
Ek chota sa aasman aur ek ummeed ki zamin hai..
Yu toh bahut kuch hai zindagi mei,
sirf jise chahte hai Usiki kami hai...


183) Do kadam to sab chalte hai per zindagi bhar sath koi ni nibhata..
Agar ro kar bhulai jati yaadein,
to has kar gum koi nahi chupata..


184) Yah meri talaash ka jurm hai,
ya meri wafa ka kasoor hai,
jo dil k jitney karib hai,
Woh nazar se utne hi door hai..


185) abh sakoon hai toh boolne mein hai , lekin uss shakhsh ko bhulaye kaun, aaj fir dil hai kuch udaas udaas dekhiey aaj yaad aye kaun...

Great HINDI SMS Collection - 27

SMS Collection - 27


186) Dost tera bahut sahara hai, warna is duniya mein kaun hamara hai, log marte hai maut aane par, hamay to aapke dosti ne mara hai..

187) Zakhm dene ka andaz kuch aisa hai. Zakhm dekar puchte hai ab hal kaisa hai. Kisi ek se gila kya karna yaro,sari dunia ka mizaz ek jaisa hai..

188) Kaash ham SMS hote, Ek klik mein tumhare paas hote, Bhale tum hame delete kar dete, par kuch pal ke liye ham tumhara ehsas to hote...!

189) KHUSHBOO ne phool ko ek EHSAS BANAYA . Phool ne BAAG ko kuch khaas BANAYA chahat ne mohabbat ko EK PYAS banaya aur is mohabbat ne EK aur "DEVDAS" ;banaya

190) dosti naam hai sukh dukh ki kahani ka dosti raaz hai sada muskura ne ka ye koi
pal bhar ki pehchan nahi dosti naam hai umar bhar sath nibhane ka

Giving up

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on
her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing
the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

meant business


A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math
at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic
school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the
house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and
dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is
okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy
keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the
son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad.
Looking at it they see under math an A+.
Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind
about learning math?"

The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I
walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the
back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."

Made it

Every day, Mr. Koch has to cross the rier by ferry in order to get to work.

Waking up late one morning, he dressed quickly, ran out the door and raced to the dock. The boat was several yards away, and stepping back and taking a mighty leap, Mr. Koch landed with a crash on the deck.

"Made it!" he cried triumphantly.

"So?" said one of the passengers, "What was the rush? The boat is coming in."

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

satellite dish

Satellite Dish Wife: Doctor My husband thinks he's a satellite dish.

Doctor: Don't worry I can cure him.

Wife: I don't want him cured I want you to adjust him to get the movie channel.



This is joke on musharraf involovement

Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept

Musharraf Mr. President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great buildings... I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that........

Bush What buildings?
What people??

Musharraf Oh, and what time is it in America now?

Bush It's eight in the morning.

Musharraf Oops...Will call back in an hour!

Bill Gates and Andhra

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for
Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One
candidate is Mr. Reddy an Indian (Hyderabad) guy.

Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asking those who do
not know JAVA program to leave.2000 people leave the room. Reddy says to
himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll
give it a try'

Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing
more than 100 people to leave. 2000 people leave the room. Reddy says to
himself ' I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose
if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays.

Then Bill Gates asked candidates who do not have management diplomas to
leave. 500 people leave the room. Reddy says to himself, 'I left school
at 15 but what have I got to lose?' So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat
to leave. 498 people leave the room. Reddy says to himself, ' I do not
speak one word of Serbo - Croat but what do I have to lose?' So he stays
and finds himself with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two
candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a
conversation together in that language.'

Calmly, Reddy turns to the other candidate and says 'Elaa vunnavu babu'
The other candidate answers 'Baguunanu babu '

Bill Gates Congratulated them "Wonderful both of you were selected".

Don't Loose your Confidence ever.........................

HUMOUR - WHY SOME MEN HAVE DOGS AND NOT WIVES........

  • 1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
  • 2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
  • 3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
  • 4. A dog's parents never visit.
  • 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
  • 6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
  • 7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
  • 8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'
  • 9. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
  • 10. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck. And last, but not least:
  • 11. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
  • A Wish will not change anything, however a Decision will change everything
  • I may not be the Best, but simply Better than the Rest
  • Do Goto the Blogs and add comments .. Its Pays

Bad Eyesight

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"I don't remember."

AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I
take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas
station...

And then the fight started....


************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******

After retiring, I went to the Social Security
office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the
counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my
age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but
I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I
opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is
proof enough for me' and she processed my Social
Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...


************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *****

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high
school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady
swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old
girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't
been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would
think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...


************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *****

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were
alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of
his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed
and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a
DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and
shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then
which one are you?'

And then the fight started

Monday, October 20, 2008

Management theory "thats intelligence"

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his Customer,
"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a five rupee coin in one hand and two one rupee coins(1+1=2) in the other, then calls the boy over and asks,

"Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the two one rupee coins and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of
the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take two one rupee coins instead of five rupee coin?"

The boy licked his cone and replied,
"Because THE DAY I TAKE THE FIVE RUPEE COIN, THE GAME IS OVER
............
.............
............
............
............
............
............
............

Moral: When you think the other person is dumb, you are making a fool of yourself.

Friday, October 17, 2008

million dollar deal

One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6 am wake-up call.
The next morning, I awoke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30.

"Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call." Annoyed,

I let the hotel worker have it! "You were supposed to call me at 6 am! What if I had a million dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"

"Well, Sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million dollar deal to close, you probably wouldn't be staying in *this* motel."

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

junior

Junior Love Daily Jokes? Click to join this group A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit, She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site.

After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.

Women!!

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure.

People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was.

The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.

Junior said
"The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present. Please Try Again Later"...

Monday, October 13, 2008

Hindi Jokes

Similarity between Gandhiji & Mallika?
Dono ne kapde tyag diye,
ek ne desh ke liye,
doosre ne Deshwasion ke liye!

Exams ke 4 din pehle syllabus dekha to yaad aaya,
Kuch To Hua Hai Kuch Ho Gaya Hai,
Exams ke din paper dekh kar yaad aaya,
Sab Kuch Alag Hai Sab Kuch Naya Hai


Judge: U r crossing the limits.
Lawyer: Kaun Saala aisa kehta hai?
Judge: How dare you call me saala?
Lawyer: My Lod, I said kaun 'Sa Law' kehta hai? (my favorite)


Bhikhari: Saab 1 rupaya de do.
Saheb: Kal aana.
Bhikhari: Saala is kal-kal ke chakkar mein is colony mein mere laakhoon
rupaye fase huye hain.

Generation Next Motto:
Na hum shaadi karenge,
na apne bachchon ko karne denge.


What do u call a woman in heaven?
An Angel.
A crowd of woman in heaven?
A host of Angels.
And all woman in heaven?
PEACE ON EARTH!



What's the diff between Dava & Daru?
Dava is like girlfriend,
that comes with expiry date and Daru is like wife,
Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi.


A Chinese couple Mr & Miss Hua got twins without marriage.
What did they named them?
They named them as 'Jo-Hua', 'So-Hua'


What did Tarzan think when he saw a dead Cheetah? Wow! New Underwear.


Paani mein Whiskey milao ta nasha chadta hai.
Paani mein Rum milao to nasha chadta hai.
Paani mein Brandy milao to nasha chadta hai.
Saala paani mein hi kuch gadbad hai.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Budweiser - Football Stadium

Cathy, the world's most avid baseball fan and blonde, had arrived early at the stadium for the first game of the series between local rival teams only to realize that she had left her ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, she went to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's wait she was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey, Linda!"

Cathy looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner of the voice -- with no success. Then she realized she had lost her place in the line, and had to go back to the end of the line and wait all over again.

After she had purchased her ticket, she was thirsty, so she went to buy a beer. The line at the concession stand was also very long. But since the game hadn't started she decided to wait. Just as she got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Linda!" Again Cathy tried to find the voice and got out of line as she wandered looking for the owner of the voice. But no luck. Cathy was very upset as she got back in line for her beer.

Finally she had her beer and took her seat eager for the game to begin. As she waited for the first pitch, she heard the voice calling, "Hey, Linda!" once more. Furious, Cathy stood up and yelled a the top of her lungs, "My name isn't Linda!"

Just try to relax

"Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynecologist trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient.

"Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he asked.

"Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!"