Banta Again

Banta comes to Australia and goes to Woolworths (A grocery store in Australia). He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.

The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids.

He asks Santa to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Banta goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week Banta finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids.

He asks Santa to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. Banta goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

Next week Banta comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out. He shouts at Banta: This is shit you .. and Banta calmly replies: Yes, and I want toilet paper.

Santa best jokes

 
Titanic was sinking.

An englishman asked Santa, "How far is land"?
Santa: 2 KMs.

Englishman jumped into sea.
Englishman: Now, which direction?

Santa: Downwards!


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Two days of powercut in Delhi had made life miserable. Worst affected was Delhi Metro station where families of Santa & Banta were struck for 48 hrs on escalators.

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How did santa tried to kill a bird??

He took it to the top of a building and dropped it from there to die.


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Santa: I have swallowed a kay.

Doctor: When?

Santa: 3 months back!

Doctor: What were you doing till now?

Santa: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too.


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Santa was drawing money from ATM. Banta, who was just behind him in the line said: I've seen ur password. It's ****. Santa: U r wrong. It's 1394.


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Santa falls in love with a nurse... After much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her: "I luv u sister."


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Santa asked Banta: Why Manmohan Singh goes for a walk in evening?

Banta: Very simple, because he is PM not AM.


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Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?

Pappu: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.


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A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell.

Santa doesn't turns up for 4 days.

Lady calls again, Santa replies: I'm coming daily since 4 days, I press the bell but no one comes out.

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Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatos 5 days ago, he hasn't came back yet!

Santa: Why don't u cook something else? .


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An Englishman and santa inside the toilet.

Englishman: Good evening, how do u do?

Santa: Good evening, we open the zip and do!


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Santa opened a petrol pump, but not even one customer went there. You know why?

Because he opened petrol pump on second floor..


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Ultimate answer while changing the job.

Interviewer: Why did you changed your last job?

Santa: Because the company shifted and didn't tell me where.


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Santa and Banta went for a drive.

Santa: Hey, look out from the window, are the indicators working or not?

Banta puts his head out & says "Yes-No, Yes-No, Yes-No, Yes-No!!!"


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Santa's wife dies. He is calm, but his wife's lover is crying furiously...

Finally, santa consoles him: Don't worry buddy, I will marry again.


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Why did santa keep the door open while bathing?

Because he was afraid that someone might watch him from the key hole.


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Santa phoned his wife: I am not coming home. The steering, dash board, gears of car have been stolen.

After sometime he calls again: I am coming, earlier I sat on the back seat..

Fastest thing in the World

 
Guys in the University were to be interviewed for a prestigious job... One common
question was asked to all 4 of them.


INTERVIEWER: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?

YALE guy: Its light, Nothing can travel faster than light

HARVARD Guy: It's the Thought; because thought is so fast it comes instantly in
your mind.

MIT guy: Its Blink, you can blink and its hard to realize you blinked

SANTA SINGH: Its Loose motion

INTERVIEWER: (Shocked to hear Santa's reply, asked) "WHY"?

SANTA SINGH: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the
worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON
THE LIGHTS, it was over!!!!

BOLO TARA RA RA HOYE.....

Singh is King joke of 2013

 

Each Friday night after work, Santa Singh would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs. But, all of his neighbours were strict Catholics ... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest. The Priest came to visit Santa, and suggested that he become a Catholic. 

After several classes and much study, Santa attended Mass ... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Sikh, and raised a Sikh, but now, you are a Catholic."

Santa's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived. The wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighbourhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Santa's backyard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Santa, holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted: "Oye, you waz born a chicken, and you waz born a lamb, you waz raised a chicken, and you waz raised a lamb but now yara(dear), you are a potato and tomato"!

-- Singh is King...

Banta jokes for year 2013

 
Banta to Doctor : Doctor Sahab! Mein apna dimag daan karna chahta hu.
Doctor : Hoga to hum le lenge .

Son to Dad : Papa, Mein itna bada kab hounga ki mein mummy se bina puche bahar ja saku?
Papa : Beta abhi itna bada to mein bhi nahi hua!!!

Autowala to Santa : Sahab, 100 rupaye ho gaye.
Santa ne 50 rupaye autowale ko de diye.
Autowala : Sahab ye to gundagardi hai, meter ki hisab se 100 rupaye hue hai.
Santa : Tu bhi to baithkar aaya hai, tera kiraya bhi kya mujhe dena parega!!!

Ek din Santa ne apni premika ko himmat jutakar keh dala - I love you.
Premika(Gusse se) : Jara pyar se nahi keh sakte?
Santa : I love you Didi!!!!

Girl : Tum ladke kisi bhi ladki me sabse pehle kya dekhte ho?
Boy : Ye to depend karta hai ki ladki aa rahi hai ya ja rahi hai!!


Dur gaon me jab maa baap sote nahi the,
to bacha kehta hai, so ja bapu,
so ja, warna ek aur ho jayega!!!

Girl-to-Boy - Aaye bewafe tune sab kuch saaf kar diya,
mera dil jala kar rakh kar diya
Boy-to-Girl - Aye ladki, teri kurbani bekar nahi jayegi,
bhej de rakh mujhe, bartan manjne ke kaam aayegi.


Pati aur patni ghumne gaye. Raaste me ek gadhe ko ghaas kata
dekh patni ne pati se kaha - Oo G tumhara rishtedaar ghaas
kha raha hai, namaste karo.
Pati - Namaste Sasur Ji

Santa ne Banta se kaha,"Sabse bada challenge kya hai?"
Banta replied - Answer sheet ko khaali chod do aur last me likh dena,
paas karke dikha.

Frog: Tumhare paas dimaag nahin hai.
Bhola: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai.
Bhola: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai and jumps into the well.
Bhola: Isme suicide karne waali kya baat thi.?


Teacher : Santa batao `M' for kya hota hai?
Santa : Sir, Mother!
Teacher : Right! Aab batao W for kya hota hai?
Santa kuch sochne lagta hai
Teacher : Santa kya soch rahe ho?
Santa : Sir, mein yeh soch raha tha ki Maa ulti kaise ho gayi?


Teacher : Santa ye batao tense kitne tarah ke hote hai?
Santa : Teen maidam.
Teacher : Teeno ke ek-ek example batao.
Santa : Madam, meine kal aapki beti ko dekha tha. Aaj mein ussey pyar karta hu aur kal mein ussey bhaga kar le jaunga.

Santa Attacks

santa selling parachute, tells the customer "jump from plane n press button & you can land safely."
CUSTOMER: if it doesn't open????
SARDAR : PAISA WAPAS.......

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santa is walking along the road. He sees a banana peel. What does he think??
"UFF, Aj phir girna padega!!"


Then next day he is walking along the road, he sees two banana peels. What does he think????????
"Ispe se giru, ya uspe se????"
Then the day after that he sees a lot of banana peels on the road. So he calls home and tells his wife..
"AAj ghar late aaoonga!!"

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After making a trip of South India, Santa Singh, his wife and his son were returning to Punjab in Tamilnadu Express.
Santa Singh was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train. When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of Ice cream to which Santa readily agreed.
When Santa and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't understand Hindi had occupied his son's berth.
Outraged, Santa Singh called the TT and asked him to help. TT requested that he could not understand Hindi/Punjabi so it would be better if Santa Singh explained the whole situation to him in English.
Santa Singh explained, "That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child."

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Customer: Is mirror ki guarantee kya hai?
Santa : It is 99% safe.! 100 feet se fenkoge to 99 feet tak kuchh nahi hoga"!

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Teacher to Santa " Where were U born?
Santa : In Tiruvanantapuram.
Teacher : Spell it?
Santa : (after thinking) I think I was born in GOA.

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Santa : People consider me as a "GOD"
Banta : How do you know??
Santa : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD ! U have come again..

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Santa complained 2 Police : Sir all items are missing, except the TV in my house.
Police : How the theif did not take TV???
Santa : I was watching TV na....

Santa Aur Gloves

Santa Ne Hospital Me Ek Surgery Gloves Dekha,


Bar Bar Ulat Palat Ke Dekhne Ke Baad Bola 


" Lagta Hai Draupadi Ke Jamane Ka Condom Hai "

3 friends in jungle

Ek Baar Teen Dost Jungle Mein Ja Rahe The To Unko Junglee Logon Ne Pakad Liya

Pakad Ke Vo Unko Apne Sardar Ke Paas Le Gaye.

Sardaar Ne Unko Kaha: “Jake Jungle Se Koi Bhi Fal (Fruit) Leke Aao”

Pahla Dost Ek Apple Le Ke Aaya. Sardar Ne Use Kaha: “Isko Apni gaan* Mein Ghusao, Koi Bhi Awaj Nikali To Maare Jaoge.”

Usne Jaisi Hi Apple gaan* Mein Gusaya To Dard Ke Maare Cheekh Nikal Gayi Aur Sardar Ne Usko Mar Diya

Dusra Dost Ek Angoor Le Ke Aaya Tha Sardar Ne Usko Bhi Maar Diya.

Swarg Me Pahla Dost Dusre Se Puchata Hai: “Yaar, Tu To Itna Chota Fal Leke Aaya Thha To Fir Chilaya Kyu?”

Dost Ne Jawab Diya: “Arey Mein Chilaya Nahi Thha, Vo Apna Teesra Dost Tarbooj Leke Aa Raha Thha To Main Apni Hasi Nahi Rok Paya“

utaaru kya

Santa Ne Raat Ko Novel Padhte Hue Apni Biwi Ki Panty Mein Hath Dala

Biwi Sharmate Hue Boli: “Utaaru Kya?”

Santa: “Nahi, Novel Ka Page Palatne Ke Liye Ungli Geeli Karni Thhi“

Santa hot coffee

Santa(in a coffee shop to Banta):Drink the coffee fast
Banta:Why?It is too hot.
Santa:I am paying. Drink it hot.
Banta:Why?
Santa:Didn't you see the menu? Hot coffee Rs.30 Cold coffee Rs.45

Kaam wali shanti ko bulao

Santa: Kaam wali shanti ko bulao.!

Wife: Kyun?

Santa: Doctor ne kaha hai, raat mein dawa khane ke baad shanti ke saath so jaana.



One: Oye tera ek daant neela kyun ho gaya?

Two: Yaar maine ink lagayi hai.

One: Woh kyun.?

Two: Kyun ke aaj kal bluetooth ka zamana hai yaar.




Ek dost dusre dost se: Kya, tumne jhoot pakarne wali machine dekhi hai?

Doosra dost: Deki nahi mere paas mein hai! Are maine to usse shadi ki hai.



Ek police Inspector ke ghar chori ho rahi thi.

Wife: Utho ji, ghar mein chori ho rahi hai.

Police Inspector: Mujhe sone de, main iss time duty par nahi hoon.


Husband: Tumse shaadi karke mujhe ek bahut bada faayda hua hai!

Wife: Woh kya?

Husband: Mujhe mere gunaaho ki saza jeete jee hi mil gayi!


Abhijeet Kumar
"Zindagi ki asli udaan abhi baaki hai,
Zindagi ke kai imtehaan abhi baaki hai,
Filhaal to naapi hai mutthi-bhar zameen hi,
Abhi to saara asmaan baaki hai..."

Santa Singh's wife

Santa Singh's wife was expecting and the baby was due any day. Santa was very confident it would be a boy and was looking forward to the D-day. As fate would have it, he was transferred to another city and had to join office immediately. Before going, he asked his father-in-law to send a telegram confirming birth of his son.

But in order to avoid giving party to his office colleagues, he asks his father-in-law to write "the watch has arrived" and he will understand that the son is born.

The D-day arrived. His wife delivered a cute little baby girl. Now Santa's father-in-law didn't know what to do.. If he writes "the watch has arrived" Santa will think he has got a Son. If he writes " watch has not arrived" Santa will get worried that something serious has happened. But being a very intelligent person,he finds a solution and sends the telegram.

Santa received the telegram, opened it eagerly and reads "The watch has arrived, but the pendulum is missing".

Hindi Jokes

Similarity between Gandhiji & Mallika?
Dono ne kapde tyag diye,
ek ne desh ke liye,
doosre ne Deshwasion ke liye!

Exams ke 4 din pehle syllabus dekha to yaad aaya,
Kuch To Hua Hai Kuch Ho Gaya Hai,
Exams ke din paper dekh kar yaad aaya,
Sab Kuch Alag Hai Sab Kuch Naya Hai


Judge: U r crossing the limits.
Lawyer: Kaun Saala aisa kehta hai?
Judge: How dare you call me saala?
Lawyer: My Lod, I said kaun 'Sa Law' kehta hai? (my favorite)


Bhikhari: Saab 1 rupaya de do.
Saheb: Kal aana.
Bhikhari: Saala is kal-kal ke chakkar mein is colony mein mere laakhoon
rupaye fase huye hain.

Generation Next Motto:
Na hum shaadi karenge,
na apne bachchon ko karne denge.


What do u call a woman in heaven?
An Angel.
A crowd of woman in heaven?
A host of Angels.
And all woman in heaven?
PEACE ON EARTH!



What's the diff between Dava & Daru?
Dava is like girlfriend,
that comes with expiry date and Daru is like wife,
Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi.


A Chinese couple Mr & Miss Hua got twins without marriage.
What did they named them?
They named them as 'Jo-Hua', 'So-Hua'


What did Tarzan think when he saw a dead Cheetah? Wow! New Underwear.


Paani mein Whiskey milao ta nasha chadta hai.
Paani mein Rum milao to nasha chadta hai.
Paani mein Brandy milao to nasha chadta hai.
Saala paani mein hi kuch gadbad hai.

Recommended Dosage of VIAGRA

Recommended Dosage of VIAGRA
New Girl friend: No need,
Old G/f: 1/2 tablet,
Mistress: 1 tablet,
Wife: 2 tabs + whisky + blue film + will power + her permission.
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Wife: Muje lagta hai apka Rita k saath najayaz rishta hai.
Hubby: Ye tum kaise keh sakti ho?
Wife: Kal jab uske husband aye, to apki underwerr pehne huye the.
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Wife 2 naked husband: Why r u walking around, the neighbours can see ur thing?
Husband: So what?
Wife: They'll think I married u for MONEY!
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Wife A: I hate my Engineer husband. Erect & Erect.
Wife B: I Hate my Doc husband. Inject & Inject.
Wife C: U both r lucky, mine is judge… Tarik pe Tarikh ( DATE on DATE)
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On their first night:
Husband: Is it really ur first night?
Wife: No... No...Actually it is first time at night.
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Woman was having pain during delivery.
Husband prayed: Oh Lord! Please make it lose for the Baby and then tight for the Daddy
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Doc: Reports have got mixed up. I don't know if ur wife has AIDS or Alzheimer.
Man: What shld I do?
Doc: Drop her in the middle of town, if she comes back DON'T FUCK her..

I bet u cannot resist laughing .. Joke of the day

Once Santa & Banta were traveling along with their friends Monty & Jaggi, on a road surrounded by forests on both sides, their car was attacked by robbers.

Santa and his friends were pulled out of the car. The robbers blasted the car and took Santa, Banta and their friends in the middle of the forest where their boss was residing.

Now, this boss was fond of jokes. So, he put the condition that whoever tells a joke that makes every single person laugh should be left unharmed and alive, but if one single person doesn't laugh then the joke-teller would be shot to death.

Banta started telling the funniest joke he had ever heard, "One day........." and when he was finished, everybody were falling with laughter except Santa. So according to the vow, the boss shot poor Banta.

Now, it was the turn of Monty. He also told the best joke he had ever heard. Again everybody laughed including the boss & his robbers, but still Santa was quite as a statue. So the boss shot him.

Then came Jaggi. As he opened his mouth to tell the joke, Santa suddenly burst into laughter. Everyone was puzzled. Santa was laughing madly.

The boss asked him, "Why the hell are you laughing without hearing the joke?"

Santa said laughing and giggling, "Oh! How funny Banta's joke was!"

DEATHS THAT MADE EVEN TOP DOCTORS WONDER..

This case happened in a hospital's Intensive care ward where Patients always died in the same bed and on all Sunday morning at 11a.m, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.

So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil........

Just when the! clock struck 11...

and then......

then.....

Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and Unplugged the life support system & plugged in the vacuum cleaner………….