Batteries Not Included

Two women friends were out buying Christmas gifts. For her little
ones, one of them bought a few of the latest toy gadgets.
Unfortunately, they all read, "Batteries Not Included."

So they headed over to the electronics department for batteries, but
they were all behind the counter. Try as she might, the woman with the
gadgets could not get the attention of one of the harried sales
clerks.

"I know how to get a clerk's attention," her friend said. "Watch this, April."

She opened her purse, pulled out a tape measure and began measuring
the dimensions of one of those $4,000 plasma TVs.

Instantly, a sales clerk practically leap-frogged over several
displays to reach the woman. "Can I help you?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, pointing to the display behind the counter. "We need
batteries. Four AA's, two size D's and two nine-volts!"

Rare Bible

A collector of rare books and a bookstore owner were having lunch one
afternoon when the topic of discussion turned to old Bibles. The
bookstore owner had mentioned he'd given away an old worn-out Bible
recently.

"Who printed it?" the book collector asked.

"Hmmm, Guten-somebody-or-other, I think," said the store owner.

"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.

"Yes, that was it!" the store owner replied.

"You gave it away? Where?" the book collector asked, almost choking on
a mouthful of food.

"Goodwill, I think," said the store owner. "I'm not sure. There are
several organizations that come to my store to pick up donations."

"I can't believe it!" the book collector exclaimed. "You gave away one
of the first books ever printed! Do you realize the historical
significance of this? A copy recently sold at auction for half a
million dollars!"

"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to
that much," replied the store owner. "It was scribbled all over in the
margins with notes by some guy named Martin Luther."

Three Hymns

One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some
extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a
little extra in the offering plate. He added that whoever gave the
most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed and collected, the pastor saw
that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited
that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation. "Someone has
blessed us with a $1,000 donation!" he announced. "Please let me know
who you are. I want to personally thank you."

A woman in the back of the church who looked to be in her late 40's
raised her hand.

"Please come up front," the pastor said. The woman made her way up front.

"Thank you for your wonderfully generous gift to the church," the
pastor said. "Please, I would like you to pick out three hymns."

The woman's eyes brightened. She looked over the congregation, pointed
to the three handsomest men in the church and said, "I'll take him and
him and him!"