WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next
to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say
Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' Then
returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How
long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does.'
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX
Gentlemen , here is your guide to weightloss
CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX!
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent12 Calories Without her consent2,187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands8 Calories With one hand12 Calories With your teeth485 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection6 Calories Without an erection3,315 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary12 Calories 69 lying down78 Calories 69 standing up812 Calories
Wheelbarrow216 Calories Doggy Style326 Calories Italian chandelier2,912 Calories
ORGASMS:
Real112 Calories Fake1,315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging18 Calories Getting up immediately36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are: 20-29 years36 Calories
30-39 years80 Calories 40-49 years124 Calories 50-59 years1,972 Calories
60-69 years7,916 Calories 70 and overResults are still pending
DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly..32 Calories In a hurry98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door13,521 Calories
Results may vary!
THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD
Right now, as you read this, 69 Million males are having SEX! And you're on the computer!!!
CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX!
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent12 Calories Without her consent2,187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands8 Calories With one hand12 Calories With your teeth485 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection6 Calories Without an erection3,315 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary12 Calories 69 lying down78 Calories 69 standing up812 Calories
Wheelbarrow216 Calories Doggy Style326 Calories Italian chandelier2,912 Calories
ORGASMS:
Real112 Calories Fake1,315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging18 Calories Getting up immediately36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are: 20-29 years36 Calories
30-39 years80 Calories 40-49 years124 Calories 50-59 years1,972 Calories
60-69 years7,916 Calories 70 and overResults are still pending
DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly..32 Calories In a hurry98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door13,521 Calories
Results may vary!
THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD
Right now, as you read this, 69 Million males are having SEX! And you're on the computer!!!
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Faisalabad walay Granting a Wish
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you eac h a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.
I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old. :)
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are female.....
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you eac h a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.
I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old. :)
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are female.....
Death and taxes
Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get
worse every year.
---------------------------------------------
Can you guess which of the following are True or False?
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up
in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every
10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being
indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your
heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every
minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until
they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting
in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time
of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is
to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without
turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer
and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State
anthem.
21. Most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of
white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William never travel on the same
airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a
tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords
cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein
transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were
7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
All of the above are supposedly true.
-----------------------------------------------------
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host,
preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My
Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all
these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet
names."
Morris hung his head and whispered - "To tell the truth, I forgot her name
three years ago!"
---------------------------------------------------------
What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the
moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person
which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote the song "The Hokey Pokey," died
peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the
coffin. They put his left leg in ...
... and then the trouble started.
worse every year.
---------------------------------------------
Can you guess which of the following are True or False?
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up
in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every
10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being
indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your
heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every
minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until
they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting
in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time
of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is
to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without
turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer
and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State
anthem.
21. Most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of
white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William never travel on the same
airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a
tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords
cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein
transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were
7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
All of the above are supposedly true.
-----------------------------------------------------
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host,
preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My
Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all
these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet
names."
Morris hung his head and whispered - "To tell the truth, I forgot her name
three years ago!"
---------------------------------------------------------
What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the
moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person
which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote the song "The Hokey Pokey," died
peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the
coffin. They put his left leg in ...
... and then the trouble started.
Indain Way
Indian Way
The Indians and Pakistanis at the height of the arms race realized
that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up
the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole
dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the
best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be
entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down
its arms.
The Pakistanis found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches
in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.
They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter,
removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. They used steroids
and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog
the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five
inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Indians showed up with a
strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry
for the Indians because they knew there was no way that this dog
could possibly last ten seconds with the Pakistani dog. When the cages
were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled
over towards the Pakistani dog. The Pakistani dog snarled and leaped out
of it's cage and charged the Indian dachshund. But, when it got
close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's
mouth and consumed the Pakistani dog in one bite. There was nothing left
at all of the Pakistani dog.
The Pakistanis came up to the Indians shaking their heads in
disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had
our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and
Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian
wolves."
"That's nothing", an Indian replied. "We had our best plastic
surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund."
Monday, November 10, 2008
20 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
Top Ten School Excuses
These are the top ten funniest excuse notes from parents collected by schools from all over this country.
1. Please excuse Lola for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
2. Jimmy has been absent yesterday because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
3. My daughter is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute her.
4. Please excuse Jenny. She has been sick and under the doctor.
5. Sandra won't be in school a week from today. We have to attend her funeral.
1. Please excuse Lola for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
2. Jimmy has been absent yesterday because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
3. My daughter is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute her.
4. Please excuse Jenny. She has been sick and under the doctor.
5. Sandra won't be in school a week from today. We have to attend her funeral.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Funny quotes about man
Men are like parking spots: The good ones are already taken, and the rest are handicapped.
Men are like plungers: They spend most of their time in the hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
May our children be blessed with rich parents Boys attitude!
A boy wen proposes a girl If she says YES,then
"Pata ni kenia nu haan kiti honi" If she says NO,"then
Bandri apne ap nu Ashwarya Rai samjdi ae...
."To our wives and lovers...may they never meet!
If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry.A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man!
Incredible Manmohan singh Believe me it is not vulgar
Bush, Manmohan, Aishwarya and Sonia are travelling in a train. The
train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there
is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel.
The women and Manmohan are sitting there looking perplexed. Bush is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap.
All of them
remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.
Sonia is thinking: These Americans are all crazy after Aishwarya. Bush must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.
Aishwarya is thinking: Bush must have tried to kiss me but kissed Sonia instead and got slapped.
Bush is thinking: Damn it. Manmohan must have tried to kiss
Aishwarya. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.
Manmohan is thinking: if this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap Bush again....
Business Management defintions
1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.
2) Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.
3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.
5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.
7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.
8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.And lastly……………..
9) Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby
funny shayari
Khuda Hi Khuda
Idhar khuda hai, udar khuda hai,
Jidar dekho udar khuda hai,
idhar-udhar bus khuda hi khuda hai
jidhar nahi khuda hai….udhar kal khudega!
Shaam hote hi ye Dil udaas hota hai
Toote khwaboo ke siwa kuch na pass hota hai
Tumahri yaad aise waqt bohat aati hai
Bandar jab koi aas-paas hota hai..
Recent News Headlines : Softdrinks Contain Dangerous Pestcides.
Insan to newspaper padh sakte hain par janwaro ka
kya hoga kyonki…. Aaj kal CHEETAH BHI PEETA HAI !
Ai mere kadardan, Dost meri Jaan,
Tum hamesha rahoge hattekhatte nawjawan
kyounki…. Khuda meherbaan to
Gadha PAHELWAAN…..
kabhi hosla bhi azmana chahiye,
bure waqt me muskurana bhi chahiye,
chahe kitni bhoi thand pade hafte me
ek baar to nahana chahiye True friends are like Diamonds.
they are real and rare.
False friends are like leaves.
they are scattered everywhere
Idhar khuda hai, udar khuda hai,
Jidar dekho udar khuda hai,
idhar-udhar bus khuda hi khuda hai
jidhar nahi khuda hai….udhar kal khudega!
Shaam hote hi ye Dil udaas hota hai
Toote khwaboo ke siwa kuch na pass hota hai
Tumahri yaad aise waqt bohat aati hai
Bandar jab koi aas-paas hota hai..
Recent News Headlines : Softdrinks Contain Dangerous Pestcides.
Insan to newspaper padh sakte hain par janwaro ka
kya hoga kyonki…. Aaj kal CHEETAH BHI PEETA HAI !
Ai mere kadardan, Dost meri Jaan,
Tum hamesha rahoge hattekhatte nawjawan
kyounki…. Khuda meherbaan to
Gadha PAHELWAAN…..
kabhi hosla bhi azmana chahiye,
bure waqt me muskurana bhi chahiye,
chahe kitni bhoi thand pade hafte me
ek baar to nahana chahiye True friends are like Diamonds.
they are real and rare.
False friends are like leaves.
they are scattered everywhere
money with windows
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too
old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For
those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read
on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous
sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm
thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the
windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just
say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What
do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with
some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have
anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............
old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For
those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read
on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous
sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm
thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the
windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just
say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What
do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with
some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have
anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............
how many women have you slept with?
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.
The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"
Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.
The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"
Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"
Little Jokes
Little Lalloo was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. 'Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?' he asked his mother. 'He thinks a lot,' replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Or she was until little Lalloo thought for a second and asked, 'So why do you have so much hair?'
PAYING BILLS
Two guys robbed a rob a bank and mess it up, managing to escape with two sacks that they find on the floor. And they take one sack each. After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, 'What did you find in your sack?' 'Ten lakh Rupees!' 'Wow.... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?' 'I bought a house. How about your sack?' 'Bah... it was full of bills.' 'And what did you do with them?' 'Eh, well... little by little, I'm paying them off...'
RAILWAY STATION
Three professors had walked down to the train station from the University. They were so absorbed in their conversation that they didn't hear the train arrive, but they did notice the noise of the train as it started to depart. After a desperate rush two of them manage to scramble onboard. The third looked sad and a passing railway official said, 'Don't feel bad, atleast two out of three of you made it.' 'True…', sighed the professor, 'But the other two were only here to see me off!'
WHAT A DREAM
Wife: I dreamed you gave me $100 for summer clothes last night. You wouldn't spoil that dream, would you, Dear? Husband: Of course not, Darling. You may keep the $100.
Captain Ronald
Could you please tell me the condition of Captain Ronald in Room No. 605? He was operated upon last week and I'd like to know his condition.' The nurse excused herself and then returned to the phone. 'I have just checked Captain Ronald's chart. His condition is excellent and he seems to be making steady improvement. Who shall I say called?' 'This is Captain Ronald in room. No.605. my doctors don't tell me a thing!
MARRYING DAUGHTER
Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding: "as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."
MUNDAN
This leave letter is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son: "as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days."
LEAVE APPLICATION
Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows: 'Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.'
DOUGHNUT
Customer: Waitress, why is my doughnut all smashed? Waitress: You said you wanted a cup of coffee and a doughnut, and step on it.
PIANO
Sardarji zebra crossing ke black & white patte par bar bar idhar-udhar chalta tha, woh kya soch raha hoga....think............."SALA YE PIANO BAJTA KYO NAHI"
COINCIDENCE
TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?" STUDENT: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
GIRLISH FIGURE
'So you met Suneeta today?' 'Yes, I hadn't seen her for eight years. 'Has she kept her girlish figure?' 'Kept it? She doubled it.'
STRANGE SOCKS
TEACHER: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots! BALGOBIN: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?" BALGOBIN: "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"
GO SLOW
TEACHER: Why are you late? BALGOBIN: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? BALGOBIN: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
DRUNK ?
Nelson got arrested and was brought before the Judge. 'Who brought you in?' asked the Judge. 'Two policemen, Sir.' 'Drunk, I assume?' 'Both of them, Your Honour, both of them.'
HIT BACK
The scene in the film was tense and the audience sat enthralled. Suddenly, the hero slapped the heroine on the face. In the silence that followed, a young voice piped up: 'Why doesn't she hit back like you do, mummy?'
PAYING BILLS
Two guys robbed a rob a bank and mess it up, managing to escape with two sacks that they find on the floor. And they take one sack each. After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, 'What did you find in your sack?' 'Ten lakh Rupees!' 'Wow.... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?' 'I bought a house. How about your sack?' 'Bah... it was full of bills.' 'And what did you do with them?' 'Eh, well... little by little, I'm paying them off...'
RAILWAY STATION
Three professors had walked down to the train station from the University. They were so absorbed in their conversation that they didn't hear the train arrive, but they did notice the noise of the train as it started to depart. After a desperate rush two of them manage to scramble onboard. The third looked sad and a passing railway official said, 'Don't feel bad, atleast two out of three of you made it.' 'True…', sighed the professor, 'But the other two were only here to see me off!'
WHAT A DREAM
Wife: I dreamed you gave me $100 for summer clothes last night. You wouldn't spoil that dream, would you, Dear? Husband: Of course not, Darling. You may keep the $100.
Captain Ronald
Could you please tell me the condition of Captain Ronald in Room No. 605? He was operated upon last week and I'd like to know his condition.' The nurse excused herself and then returned to the phone. 'I have just checked Captain Ronald's chart. His condition is excellent and he seems to be making steady improvement. Who shall I say called?' 'This is Captain Ronald in room. No.605. my doctors don't tell me a thing!
MARRYING DAUGHTER
Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding: "as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."
MUNDAN
This leave letter is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son: "as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days."
LEAVE APPLICATION
Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows: 'Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.'
DOUGHNUT
Customer: Waitress, why is my doughnut all smashed? Waitress: You said you wanted a cup of coffee and a doughnut, and step on it.
PIANO
Sardarji zebra crossing ke black & white patte par bar bar idhar-udhar chalta tha, woh kya soch raha hoga....think............."SALA YE PIANO BAJTA KYO NAHI"
COINCIDENCE
TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?" STUDENT: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
GIRLISH FIGURE
'So you met Suneeta today?' 'Yes, I hadn't seen her for eight years. 'Has she kept her girlish figure?' 'Kept it? She doubled it.'
STRANGE SOCKS
TEACHER: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots! BALGOBIN: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?" BALGOBIN: "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"
GO SLOW
TEACHER: Why are you late? BALGOBIN: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? BALGOBIN: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
DRUNK ?
Nelson got arrested and was brought before the Judge. 'Who brought you in?' asked the Judge. 'Two policemen, Sir.' 'Drunk, I assume?' 'Both of them, Your Honour, both of them.'
HIT BACK
The scene in the film was tense and the audience sat enthralled. Suddenly, the hero slapped the heroine on the face. In the silence that followed, a young voice piped up: 'Why doesn't she hit back like you do, mummy?'
Friday, November 7, 2008
Stupid jokse
There's a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know
which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see
how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money.
She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the
works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look
pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a
television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I
bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so
much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market,
doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and
reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the
money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent
the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
_____________________*****************______________________________
When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor's the doctor.
Does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way
or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor's way?
*************************************************
saleswoman was traveling along this Arkansas road when her car broke down near a farmhouse. She went to the farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could put her up for the night until her car was fixed.
"Sure," he said, "but you have to sleep with my son because we only have two bedrooms. By the way, he suffers from tight skin."
She asked if it was contagious and he said no, so they went to sleep.
When she woke up in the morning the bed was full of crap, and she screamed. The farmer came running into the room and asked what was wrong.
"This bed is full of shit!" she yelled.
"I told you last night that he suffered from tight skin," said the farmer.
"Just what the hell is tight skin, anyway?" she asked.
The farmer said, "When he closes his eyes his asshole opens up!"
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Jokes for Thursday Mad Cows
Mad Cows Two cows are chatting in a field. One says to the other, "Are you worried by this mad cow disease?"
The second cow says, "It doesn't affect me - I'm a rabbit!"
**********************************
Noisy Neighbor Young Jock McTavish from Glasgow went to study at a university in England and was living in the hall of residence. After a week his mother rang him. "How do you get along with the other students, Jock?" she asked.
"Well," he replied, "they are terribly noisy people. The one on one side keeps banging his head on the wall. The one on the other side screams all night."
"Oh Jock!" said his mother. "How do you manage to put up with such noisy neighbours?"
"I don't do anything. I just sit here quietly, playing my bagpipes!"
**********************************************
Blonde's Headset A hairdresser was trying to cut a blonde's hair but, because she refused to take off the headset of her iPod, he found his task very difficult. Finally, exasperated, he pulled off the handset and she collapsed on the floor.
An ambulance rushed her to hospital but too late, she was dead. The hairdresser felt very bad about this but wondered what she was listening to.
He put on the headset and heard the words, "Breathe in....breathe out....breathe in....!"
*********************************************
Paddy's Wood Paddy Fitzgerald had worked in a timber yard for five years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.
He told the priest. "Father, it's five years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the timber yard all that time."
"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
Fitzgerald said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the timber!"
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
quotes and Jokes
Hitler asked for a stenographer but was given a loptop.
Don't you know,he screamed, I am a dictator.
Interviewer: Why are you changing your current job?
Applicant:Because the company shifted,and they did'not tell me where?
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Courage is the price that life enacts for granting peace.
Ram: My wifeWent out to buy Ladies finger last week,but not returned.
Bheem: Then why don't you cook something else?
Even if you are on the right track,you will get runover if you just sit there.
Ram: Where did you get those big eyes ?
Bheem:They came with the face.
Why the US is in crisis...??? ...... ...!!!!!
An Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.
The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
An American Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.'
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Newton`s Way Of Romance
First Law:
"A Boy in love with A Girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless any external agent (brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy."
Second Law:
" The rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the bank balance."
Third Law:
"The force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while using her sandals."
talk about lucky jokes
You want to talk about lucky? Two vehicles in Grand Junction,
Colorado were involved in a collision and by bizarre coinci-
dence all six of the passengers in the two vehicles survived
the accident. Why bizarre, you ask. Because the two vehicles
were planes.
The midair accident involved a Mesa County Sheriff's Office
plane carrying four people, including two prisoners, and two
men in a second aircraft.
"It's very miraculous," Barbara Chappell, an assistant at
the Mesa County Sheriff's Office said.
The sheriff's plane flew back to the Grand Junction Regional
Airport, while the second aircraft landed upside down in a
field 14 miles southeast of the airport.
Officials hadn't given a cause for the accident.
"All of a sudden, there was a plane right in front of us,"
said John Haefeli, who was in the second plane being flown
by his son.
He said his son tried to turn the plane's nose down but the
sheriff's plane sheared off a section of their tail.
Colorado were involved in a collision and by bizarre coinci-
dence all six of the passengers in the two vehicles survived
the accident. Why bizarre, you ask. Because the two vehicles
were planes.
The midair accident involved a Mesa County Sheriff's Office
plane carrying four people, including two prisoners, and two
men in a second aircraft.
"It's very miraculous," Barbara Chappell, an assistant at
the Mesa County Sheriff's Office said.
The sheriff's plane flew back to the Grand Junction Regional
Airport, while the second aircraft landed upside down in a
field 14 miles southeast of the airport.
Officials hadn't given a cause for the accident.
"All of a sudden, there was a plane right in front of us,"
said John Haefeli, who was in the second plane being flown
by his son.
He said his son tried to turn the plane's nose down but the
sheriff's plane sheared off a section of their tail.
hihgly stupid jokes
It is the year 25 after Christ's birth and Mother Mary is worried.
Her son has not had any contact with women whatsoever and she orders Mary Madeleine to organize the sleaziest hooker of all of Bethlehem for her son. Amen:
She arrived, grabed the young man's hand after an approving and obviously favourable look and dragged hin into the bedroom.
The door closed and all was calm until the door flew back open again and the prostitute came running out of the bedroom screaming and cursing and leaving the house.
Mother Mary was a bit taken aback and went to talk to her son who was lying on the bed, chewing an apple and obviously being quite content with himself. "What happened here?" she asked.
Jesus looked at her surprised "I don't know. It all went exactly the way the other guys always said it would be. She looked me in the eyes, I looked her in the eyes. She kissed me, I kissed her back. She started to pet me, so I pet her. Her hand went up my thigh and so did mine on hers. Then her hand went between my legs and my hand went between her legs."
"Then what?" Mary pressed on.
"Then," Jesus continued, "I felt that she was amputated there and so I healed her."
***********************************************************
"I'm in love with my sheep," the nervous young man told his psychiatrist.
"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog we are very attached to."
"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel physically attracted to my sheep."
"Hmmm," observed the doctor. "Is it male or female?"
"Female, of course!" the man replied curtly. "What do you think I am, GAY?"
*************************
Has This Happened To You?
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where is yours? Do I point at my butt when I ask where the toilet is?
2 People who are willing to get up to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too" That's right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.
6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!', which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn't be new.
8 When people say "life is short". What's up with that? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
:::|Sweet Jokes™ |::: The Stock Market simply illustrated
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs10. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at Rs10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at Rs20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey let alone catch it. |
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:::|Sweet Jokes™ |::: joke joke.................
A girl called me & said "Come dear, nobody is at home". I went there
and i saw Nobody was at home.
http://sweet-
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http://blogger-
http://cricketworld
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