Hand Job: = $10.00

A women who'd been married twice and divorced twice was finally fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another women. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover to satisfy her
sexually, so she ran an ad in the classifieds;

Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed.

About a week later, her door bell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs on her front porch. I'm here about your ad,"he says. You  must be mistaken,"she says.

"Let me explain,"he says "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms, and I can't run away, because I don't have any legs."

"But,"she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?"

"I rang the door bell, didn't I?"

*******************************

 A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: = $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: = $2.50
Hand Job: = $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "indeed I am"

The man replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!

Get a hot mamma

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "Wow, you're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "I'm just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that! I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

Kaam wali shanti ko bulao

Santa: Kaam wali shanti ko bulao.!

Wife: Kyun?

Santa: Doctor ne kaha hai, raat mein dawa khane ke baad shanti ke saath so jaana.



One: Oye tera ek daant neela kyun ho gaya?

Two: Yaar maine ink lagayi hai.

One: Woh kyun.?

Two: Kyun ke aaj kal bluetooth ka zamana hai yaar.




Ek dost dusre dost se: Kya, tumne jhoot pakarne wali machine dekhi hai?

Doosra dost: Deki nahi mere paas mein hai! Are maine to usse shadi ki hai.



Ek police Inspector ke ghar chori ho rahi thi.

Wife: Utho ji, ghar mein chori ho rahi hai.

Police Inspector: Mujhe sone de, main iss time duty par nahi hoon.


Husband: Tumse shaadi karke mujhe ek bahut bada faayda hua hai!

Wife: Woh kya?

Husband: Mujhe mere gunaaho ki saza jeete jee hi mil gayi!


Abhijeet Kumar
"Zindagi ki asli udaan abhi baaki hai,
Zindagi ke kai imtehaan abhi baaki hai,
Filhaal to naapi hai mutthi-bhar zameen hi,
Abhi to saara asmaan baaki hai..."

wives from different states

Three men married wives from different states. The first man married a woman from Idaho . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Maryland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from New Jersey... He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. By the fourth day he was able fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher

____________________________________________

A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. She called the obituary department and said, "This is what I want to print: Bernie is dead."

The man at the newspaper said, "But for $25 you are allowed to print six words."

The woman answered, "OK. Then print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale."

Kanjoos Makkhi Choos

Kanjoos: Yeh kaila(banana) kaisay diya?
Shopkeeper: 1Rs.
Kanjoos: 60 Paisa ka deta hai?
S.K:  60 paise mein to sirf chilka milega.
Kanjoos: Ley 40 paisay, chilka rakh aur kela day de

********************************************
A Kanjoos on his death time.
My wife, where r u ?
Wife:Yes, Im here
My sons & daughters ru all here?
Yes, Papa
Kanjoos:To phir baju wale kamre
ka pankha Q khula hay

***************************************

1 Kanjoos 14th floor se neche gira
Girte waqt usne apni ghar ki khirki me
apni wife ko roti pakate hue dekha
to chilla k bola
MERI ROTI NAHI PAKANA!
**************************************
Kanjoos ne arbi ko khoon dey k uski jaan bachai.
Arbi ne usay MERCEDES gift kardi.
Arbi ko phir khoon ki zarorut pari,
Kanjoos ne phir khoon dia.
Ab k bar Arbi ne till waly laddu gift kiye,
Kanjoos:Ghusse se, mercedez kion nahi di?
Arbi:Munna!!
Ab hamarey ander bhi Kanjoos ka khoon dor raha hay

*************************************
A Kanjoos called a newspaper office and asked: Mera Baap Mar gaya hai, kya charges hongay?
NewsPaper: Rs.50 per word.
Kanjoos: Oh bohat ziyada hain, Acha likho "Sohan Bhai Died".
Newspaper: Sir! It should be minimum 6 words!
Kanjoos: Oh ho! Jara sochnay do..... Acha likho....... ......... .
Sohan Bhai Died - Suzuki for Sale .

************************************
Kanjoos ask to Taxi Driver: Abdullah Shah Ghazi k mazaar jao gay?
Taxi Driver: Han jaon ga.
Kanjoos ne jaib se shopper nikala or kaha:
Wapsi main langar ki biryani lete aana.

****************************************
Shadi me 1 Kanjoos bahut der tk khata raha,
Kse ne pocha bhae kb tk khaty rhogy?
Kanjoos: Yaar me khud kha kha k thak gya hun pr kya karoon card me likha tha "Dinner 7 to 10pm
******************************************
Kanjoos to dukandar: Yaar zara toothbrush dena mere brush ka 1 baal toot gaya hai
Dukandar: 1 baal toota to naya q le rahe ho
Kanjoos: jo toota hai woh akhri tha.
*************************************

EK KANJOOS KHALI KATOREY MAIN
ROTI DABA KAR KHA RAHA THA
WAITER NE DEKA TU POUCHA
AP YAH KIA KAR RAHEY HIAN
KANJOOS NE JAWAB DIYA
MAIN MATHS KA TEACHER HOON OR DALL
SUPPOSE KAR KAY KHARAHA HOON

******************************************

Titanic K Sath Kanjoos Bhi Doob Raha Tha
Aur Hans Bhi Raha Tha
Dost:
Oye Hans Kyun Raha Hai?
Kanjoos:
Shukar Hai Main Ne Return Ticket Nahi Khareeda

A Policeman Testifies in Court

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

*********
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" Line -- I think he'll win.

Happy Hour

There was this General-in-training, and his superiors were asking him questions
"What happened on June 6, 1944?"
"We stormed the beach at Normandy, which later became known as D-Day, sir!"
"What was the turning point of world war 2?"
"Battle of the bulge, sir!"
"What's is the importance of May 12" The Man thought and thought "I don't know, sir!"
The superior then said "Well, I'll tell your wife that you forgot her birthday"
--------------------------

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone,
told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, 

"Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message.


In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man,he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

--------------------------------------------------------
Time

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

----------------------------
Change

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?" 
Soldier: "No, SIR!" 

pass gas

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music..

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.
I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

how to make love to a woman

Older brother, Joe, was giving advice to his younger brother, Kevin, on how to make love to a woman.

"You need to start off slowly" explained Joe, "build up the tempo, then slow it back down again, then mix it up a little -fast then slow."

Kevin seems a little unsure, so Joe shares a technique he uses to keep focused.

"When you're having sex, imagine that you have a pocket full of change. Start out slow and gentle and think of a nickel. Increase the tempo and think of a dime. Step it up a bit more and think of a quarter. Then, as you really build up, think of a dollar.

Finally, drop back to a nickel again and repeat the whole thing. You'll drive any woman wild with desire."

Shorty after this, Kevin finds himself about to have his first sexual encounter and he decides to use the advice his brother gave him.

He starts out real slow and in his mind he's thinking,

"nickel.... nickel.... nickel....

nickel... dime... dime...

dime.. quarter.. quarter..

dollar-dollar-dollar

BUCK FORTY!-BUCK FORTY!-BUCK FORTY!!!

Shameless Grand son

The Grandmother of a just got married American Desi phoned that he was coming to present his beautiful lovely wife to grandma.

The delighted Grandma Desi started giving instructions how to come to their high rise Desi colony retirement Apartment.

She started blabbering, “When you come to the front door of the apartment building inside vestibule, My son there is a push button, push it with your Elbow, I will hear and open the door from my apartment for you.

You will hear the pi……pi buzz. You push the door with your Elbow and open. Enter and walk to the Elevator.

Push the UP button with your Elbow and elevator opens. Enter. Push the #4 button with your Elbow carefully and elevator comes to fourth floor. Walk to the room number 420 and push the button with your Elbow. I will open the door for you."

The polite grand son said, “Dear Grand Ma, my wife and I can handle all these, we have been born here. Don’t worry. But explain one thing, why do you want me to push all the buttons with my Elbow."

The Grandma Desi yelled, “What? Shameless, you are coming without gifts in your hands for Grandma?"

Old man's a bookie

The teacher says to her new class, "For our first lesson, each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Billy. You go first."

Billy stands up and says, "My name's Billy. My father's a lawyer, l-a-w-y-e-r, and he defends people in court."

The teacher says, "Very good. All right, Benjamin."

Tyrone stands up and says, "My name's Benjamin. My father's a pharmacist, f-a-m... f-a-r-n... f-n..."

The teacher says, "Benjamin, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Angelo."

Angelo stands up and says, "My name's Angelo. My old man's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he'd give you nine-to-five odds Benjamin ain't spellin' pharmacist by tomorrow."

x-ray glasses

A Blonde guy goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, but isn't fully convinced they are worth $50. The salesman assures him that they work and that $50 is a great price. The blonde decides to buy them.

On his way home, he puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo, he sees everyone in the street naked!

He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on...everyone is naked! 'Cool!'

As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and some guy, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked.

He throws down the glasses in disgust and says, 'Damn, I just paid fifty-bucks for these, and they're already broken!'

A Blonde bought a brand new Car and decided to drive down from some
place far off, to meet this friend. She reached there in a few hours.
After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up
her mother to expect her in the evening. But she didn't reach home in
the evening and not the next day either.

When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother
ran and asked her "What Happened?"

She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said,
"Oy, ye these car designers, these people are crazy! They have four
gears for going forward, but only one for going back!"
 

Not STUPID

One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH (Institute of mental health).

He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down.

When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.. As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to panic.

One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened.
The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident.

The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a simple problem.... no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver..."
.
.
.
.
.
.
Here's what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that" The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why are you here at the IMH?"

Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy....... not STUPID !"

Meeting Sweet Mr. Bean

1) BRAIN TUMOR:

Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.

Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)

Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?

Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?

Doctor: Then why are you so happy?

Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!


2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:

Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?

Mr. Bean: 9

Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?

Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!


3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:

Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.

Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?

Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!


4) AT AN ATM MACHINE:

Friend: What are you looking at?

Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.

Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?

Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!

5) Marriage:

Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?

Mr. Bean: 16

Friend: Why?

Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.


6) CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:

Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?

Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.

Friend: What tape did you take anyway?

Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.


7) DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:

Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.

Friend: condolence, my friend.

(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder

Friend: what now?

Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!


8) MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:

Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.

Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.


9) Spelling lesson:

Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful.. ..is it one c or two c?

Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!

a newborn baby

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Rodger, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel ?'


Rodger says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really! ?

Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

you a policeman

A police officer, though scheduled for all night duty at the
station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours
ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept
into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his
wife sleepily sat up and said,

"Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on
the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting
headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark
room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said
the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer
Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire
Chief?"

show a passport

Though a little anti French, these anecdotes are good . . . .
----------------------------------------------------------
JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when Charles de Gaulle decided to pull out of NATO. De Gaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible..

Rusk responded "does that include those who are buried here?

You could have heard a pin drop.
************************************

In England, at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush. He answered by saying,

'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders.

The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.'

You could have heard a pin drop.

************************************

At a conference in France where a number of international engineers were participating, one of the French engineers came into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims.

What does he intended to do, bomb them?'

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed over 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'

You could have heard a pin drop.

************************************

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , England , Canada , Australia and France . At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, 'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'

You could have heard a pin drop.

************************************

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible! Americans always have to show a passport upon arrival in France !"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single

Frenchmen to show a passport to."

You could have heard a pin drop.

************************************

BEST Blonde joke

A blonde was driving down the Freeway when her Mobile phone rang.
It was her husband warning her:

"Darling", he said, "I just heard on the news that there is a car
going the wrong way down the Freeway. Please be careful!"

"Its not just one car", cried the blonde, "There's fucking
hundreds of them!"

Not very clean

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning, while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hang the wash outside.


That laundry is not very clean, she said, she doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.

Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.


About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look! She has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this."


The husband said: "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows!"

HELP ME

A Doctor wanted to get off work and go for touring, so he approached his assistant, "Banta, I am going on tour tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients".

"Yes, sir!!!" answers Banta.

The doctor goes on tour and returns the following day and asks, "So, Banta, How was your day?" Banta told him that he took care of three patients.

"The first one had a Headache so I gave him Analgin."

"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had running nose and I gave him Coldarin, sir" says Banta.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her inners and lies down on the table and shouts :HELP ME! For 5 years I have not seen any man!!!!!"

And what did you do Banta?" asks the doctor.

Sahib/Sir - I put Clearvision  drops in her eyes!!!

joke never heard off

"YOU love someone

YOU marry someone else.

The one you marry becomes your wife or husband.

And the one you loved becomes the password of your mail id"

happyest day for Husband

Husband: Darling, my sweet heart I will be enjoying this sunday

Wife: How

Husband: I bought three tickets for the movie

Wife: thats great, but we are two, why you bought three tickets ???

Husband: Darling one for you, one for your mother and one for your brother !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hindi best jokes ever part 2

Ulfat mein aksar aisa hota hai,
Ankhein hasti hai aur dil rota hai,

Mante hai hum jinhe manzil apni
Humsafar unka koi aur hota hai.


*********************

Dard se dosti ho gayi yaaroo
Zindagi bedard ho gayi yaaroo

Kya huwa Jo jal gaya aashiyana hamara
Door tak roshni to ho gayi yaaroo.....


*********************




Hamne tho umr guzaar-di tanhaai main
She liye situm teri judaai main

Abh-to yeh faryaad hai khudha se
Koi aur na tarpe----teri bewafaai main~


*********************

Qadam Qadam Par Baharon Ne Sath Chod Diya,
Pada Jab Waqt To Apno Ne Sath Chod Diya.

Qasam Khaii Thi In Sitaron Ne, Sath Dene Ki ,
Subah Hote Hi Sitaron Ne Bhi Sath Chod Diya


*********************

Matt puch mere sabar ki inteha kaha tak hai?
TU sitam kar Le, teri taqkat jaha tak hai,

Wafe ki umeed jinhe hogi,unhe hogi,
Humein toh dekhna hai, TU zalim kaha tak hai?


*********************

Aaj ki raat mera darde mohabbat sun Le,
Kap kapaate hue hontho ki shikayat sun Le

Aaj izhare khayalat ka mouqa de de
Ham tere shahar me aaye hai musafir ki tarah


*********************

Jan kar bhi tum mujhe Jan na paye,
Aaj tak tum mujhe pehchan na paye,

Khud hi ki hai bewafai hum NE,
At ki tujh pe koi iljaam na aaye...


*********************

Jo dil se karib ho use rusva nahi karte,
Yun apni mohabbat ka tamasha nahi karte,

Khamosh rahenge to ghutan aur badhengi,
Apno se koi baat chupaya nahi karte... .......


*********************

Meri Chahat NE Use Khushi De di,
Badle Me Usne Mujhe Sirf Khamoshi De di.

Khuda Se Dua Mangi Marne Ki,
Lekin Usne Bi Tadapne Ke Liye Zindagi De di .......


*********************

Saath Humara pal bhar ka sahi,
Par who pal aise jaise koi kal nahi

Rahe zindagi mein shayad phir milna humaara
Par mehekti rahengi tumhari yaadein humare sang sahi.


*********************

Hum agar aapse mil nahi paatay
Esha nahin Kay aap humein yaad nahin aatey

Mana ka jahaan Kay sab rishtey nibahaye nahin jatey
Par Jo bas jatay hai dil mein wo bhulaye nahin jatay


*********************

Har ek muskuruhat muskan Nahi hoti,
Nafrat ho ya mohabbat aasan nahi hoti,

Aansu gam ke aur khushi ke ek jaise hote hai,
Inki pehchan aasan nahi hoti...


*********************

Who aate to hain magar tan se nahi,
Who baithe to hain magar man se nahi,

Kaun kehta hai ki who pyaar nahi karte,
Karte to hain magar humse nahi.


*********************

Jinki raahon mein humne bhichai the sitare;
Unse kehte hai harpal aansuon ke sahare;

Ho gaye hai saare shikwe kitne kinare;
Magar phir bhi kyun who hua na humare!


*********************

Mayoos mat hona, yeh aik guna hota hai
Milta vahi hai Jo kismat main likha hota hai

Har cheez milhe humain, yeh zaroori tou nahi
Kuch cheezon ka zikar doosre jahan mein hota hai


*********************

Only in America.

1. Only in America..... .can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America..... .are there handicap  parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America..... .do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America..... .do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America..... .do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America..... .do people leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put  useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America..... .do people use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America..... .do people buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America..... .do people use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America..... .do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

hindi best jokes ever

Munna bhai: Agar bina danto ka kutta kate to kya karna chahiye?
Circuit: Simple bhai... Bina sui ka injection lagane ka!



**************


Narad Muni dharti par madira peene aaye,12 botal pilane k baad
Theke wala: Apko chadhti kyun nahi ?

Narad: Main Bhagwaan Hoon.
Theke wala: Ab Chad gayi bevde ko.



**************


Jija: Sali ji, aapke yahan ki sabse mash-hoor cheez kaunsi hai?
Sali: Jija ji, jo mash-hoor thi, usey to aap le gaye!



**************


Q: Agar do pipal ke Pedon ko ek rassi se bandh diya jaye to us rassi ko kya kahenge?
A: Us rassi ko bolengey NOKIA - Connecting pipal.



**************


Kuri waley Munde nu: Tusi nonveg khandey ho?
Munda: Haan

Sharaab?
Haan

Drugs?
Haan

Jua?
Haan

Sab kuch negative hai, kuch positive ve hai?
Munda: Haanji, HIV+



**************


Gal: Is dress ka kya price hai?
Shopkeeper: Sirf 5 kiss.

Girl: Aur us dress ka?
Shopkeeper: 10 kiss.

Girl: Dono dress pack kar do, bill dadi dengi.



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Sachin's Daughter: Yeh Kya, Daddy Sixer pe Sixer maare jaa rahe hain Hain?
Sachin's Wife: Arey beta, yeh toh ADVERTISEMENT Hai !



**************


Ab tak meri life ek khuli botal thi,
jis mein se sab perfume ki tarah ud jata tha.

Par aap ke aane se sab kuch ruk gaya,
Bhagwan kare aap jaisa DHAKKAN sabko miley.



**************


Santa: Tommy ne meri saari kitaab kha layi

Mother: Ohnu mere kole leke aa mein usnu saja dewan

Santa: Saja ta mein de diti, usdi kauli wala dudh mein pee gaya



**************


Manmohan Singh: We are sending Indians to the moon next year!

Bush: Wow! Howc many?

Manamohan: 25 OBC, 25 SC, 20 ST, 5 Handicapped, 5 Sports Persons, 5 Terrorist Affected, 5 Kashmiri Migrants, 9 Politicians & if possible 1 Astronnaut



**************


1980 girls: Maan mei Jeans pehanungi
Maan : Nahin beti log kya kahengey?

2006 girls: Maan mein mini skirt pehanungi
Maan: Pehen le beti kuch to pehan le!



**************


Lamha Lamha Waqt Guzar Jayega,
Chand Lamhon Men Exam Sar Pe Ajayega,

Abhi Bhi Waqt Hai Do Line Padh Lo,
Warna Paas Kia Munna Bhai Karwae Ga?



**************


Generation Next Motto: Na hum shaadi karenge, na apne bachchon ko karne denge.



**************


Mallika went to a swimming pool in a BRA & PANTY.

Guard: Madam here 2 piece costume is not allowed!

Mallika: Kaun sa utaroon?



**************


Basanti: Bhaag Dhanno bhag, aaj teri Basanti ki izzat ka sawal hai.

Dhanno: Tujhe apni padi hai. Meri soch jiske peeche Gabbar ke 10 ghode pade hain

WHO is the Friend

Ballo Prasad Yadav came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife, Rabri, with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Banta", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Ramta then?" he asked.

"No !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" Rabri snapped.

Top jokes ever

My sweet girlfriend had habit of biting her fingernails. She started doing YOGA to treat the problem. Soon her finger-nails started growing normally.

Seeing this, I asked if yoga had totally cured her problem.

"No," she replied with a funny sweet smile, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."






Judge asks a little Kid: Now that your parents are getting divorced do you want to live with your mummy?

Kid: No, my mummy beats me.

Judge: Well then, I guess you want to live with your daddy.

Kid: No, my daddy beats me too.

Judge: Well then, who do you want to live with?

Kid: I want to live with the Indian Cricket team, they never beat anybody !!!




Dexter had just returned from two weeks of vacation. He asked his boss for two more weeks off to get married.

"What!" shouted the boss? "I can't give you more time now. Why didn't you get married while you were off?"

"Are you nuts?" replied Dexter. "That would have ruined my whole vacation."




The wheel of my grocery cart was making a horrible scraping sound as I rolled it through the supermarket.

When I finished my shopping, I saw a cartless woman, and offered it up, explaining, "It makes an awful noise, but it works."

"That's okay," she said, taking it. "I have a husband at home just like that."





Due to an experimental medical technique, an 90-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother, "I'll make coffee for all of you and then you can play with the baby for a while."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another half hour had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"

"When it cries," she told them.

"WHEN IT CRIES?" they exclaimed. "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

"Because I forgot where I put him."








A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother

in the doctor's office. He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "I'm having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She answered, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look he asked, "Then why did you eat him?"






A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car, he knocks on the window.

The driver of the car opens the window, "Yes?"

"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"No I haven't."

The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window.

The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?"

"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"No I haven't."

Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch. A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker.Covered in blood, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"


The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"

FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD

University were to be interviewed for a prestigious job. One common
question was asked to all 4 of them.


INTERVIEWER: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?

YALE guy: Its light, Nothing can travel faster than light

HARVARD Guy: It's the Thought; because thought is so fast it comes instantly in
your mind.

MIT guy: Its Blink, you can blink and its hard to realize you blinked

SANTA SINGH: Its Loose motion

INTERVIEWER: (Shocked to hear Santa's reply, asked) "WHY"?

SANTA SINGH: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the
worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON
THE LIGHTS, it was over!!!!

BOLO TARA RA RA HOYE.....

World best wife affairs

The 1st Affair:


A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.


The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.


"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."


"You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"



The 2nd Affair:


A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.


The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.


He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"



The 3th Affair:



A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."


"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."



The 4th Affair:


A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."


"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"


The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"


The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."



The 5th Affair:


Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."


"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"


"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

you can marry any of those girls

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married.
His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was,
and he told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son, ''I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother.''
The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated cause the response was still the same.

So he decides to go to his mother. ''Mom I want to get married but all
the girls that I love,dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you.''
His mother smiling said to him,

''Don't worry my son,
you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son
=

Because she's a lesbian.

A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar.

The polish guy calls the bartender over and says, "Whatever she is drinking give her another one and tell her it's from me."

The bartender replies, "I don't think you want to do that." "What do you mean?" yells the polish guy.

"Send her the drink!" "O.K." the bartender replies. "But I don't think it's a good idea."
"And why not?" asks the polish guy.

The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says, "Because she's a lesbian."
"I don't care, send her the drink." says the polish guy.

So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls
down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her.

"Thanks for the drink," says the lady. "But I'm a Lesbian.
"Yeah, I heard," he smoothly replies.

"So what part of Lesbia are you from?"

who will win Women Vs Beer ?

Most men like women. But, most men like beer too ! So, for men it
becomes a rather confusing choice between women and beer ! Following
is a debate, developed by the University of Mumbai , in India .... to
help you analyze which is better !
Here is the debate ....... (Women, pls kindly take it in the right sense)

A Beer is always wet, a woman is not !
1 point for beer !

Beer is horrible, when it is hot !
1 point for women !

A cold beer, satisfies you !
1 point for beer !

If you come back home smelling beer, your wife can get angry at you.
If you come back home smelling women, your wife will get angry for
sure and she might even not talk to you again !
Draw ! ( Depends on your point of view .... )

10 beers in a night and then you can't drive. 10 women in one night
and you don't have to drive anywhere !
1 point for women !

The older, The beer is - the better, it is !
1 point for beer !

Many beers can make you see UFO's. Many women can make you see God !
1 point for women !

If you ask yourself how the next woman will be, you are normal. If you
ask yourself how the next beer will be, you are an alcoholic !
1 point for women !

For a beer, you pay taxes !
1 point for women !

If you take a second beer, the first one doesn't get angry !
1 point for beer !

You can always be sure that, you are the first one " Opening " a beer !
1 point for beer !

If you shake a beer, after a while it calms down by itself !
1 point for beer !

You know exactly how much a beer costs !
1 point for beer !

A beer does not have a mother !
1 point for beer !

You can do it if you want, but beer won't ask you to hug her for half
an hour after !
1 point for beer !

So the Score is .......... Beer beats women - 9 to 6 !

And Finally

If you are a woman reading this and getting angry ........
know that a beer would never get angry ! So ..........
Another point for beer !
Now the final score is .......... Beer beats women - 10 to 6 !

You mean I was here already?

Roger marries at 85 to Jenny aged 25

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new
husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger
should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but
aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the
expected knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and
there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to
sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door,
and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised,
Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses
his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is back
again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more
"action".

And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again,
his young bride says to him, "I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you
can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of
your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger."

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: "You mean I was here
already?"

The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has Its
advantages.

Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!!


It gets worse........

next year......

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

Best Hindi Adult Non-Veg sexy Jokes ever

Judge: Why do you want a divorce?
Husband: She does not satisfy me in bed.
Judge: Is it correct?
Wife: Sara mohalla khush hai, bas isike hi nakhre Hai.

Father went to school for getting report of his son.
Father: Madam kab dengi aap report?
Teacher: Periods khatam hone ke bad.

SUHAG RAAT WIFE: Piche nahi aage dalte hai
Sardar: Tuje kaise pata?
WIFE: Mera dost mere aage se dalta tha
Sardar: Chup kar mera dost mere pichhe dalta tha

Santa: Bhaisaab ek condom dena. Meine girl friend ko gift dena hai.
Dukandar: Is par cover chada du.
Santa: Arre nai yeh to cover hai gift to mere pass hai

Pakistani ladkiyon ke ( . ) ( . ) Boob's Bade kyon hote hain?
Kyun ki.... Wo aate-jaate har ek ko kehti hain- "AA DAAB"

What's the best family planning slogan on a Govt bus?
"Hum do hamare do" - No!
"Chota Pariwar Sukhi Pariwar" - No!
The answer is: "Kripya Peeche se Chadiye"

A girl was handling a boy's cock for the first time.
After some time few drops came out, she sked what's that?
Boy said: "Yeh khushi ke aansoo hai"

Lady says to Kelewala: Kabhi tight kele bhi rakh liya karo.
Kelewala: Kabhi khane ke liye bhi le liya karo.

Ek Ummeed ka Diya jal raha thaa jise Baarish ne bujha diya,
Tanaah akele khushi se jee rahe the kambakht unki Yaad ne rulaa diya..!.!

Ishq ne insan ko kya se kya bana diya
kisiko kavi to kisiko katil bana diya
Do phulon ka boj na utha sakti thi Mumtaz
Aur Shahjahan ne us per TAJMAHAL bana diya

Roti Hui Ankho me Intzar Hota hai,
Na Chahte Hue B Pyar Hota hai,
Q Dekte hai Hm Wo Sapne,
Jinke Tutne Pr B Unke Sach Hone Ka intzr Hota hai

Vo dil hi kya jo vaffa na kare,
Tujhe bhul kar jiyen khuda na kare,
Rahegi teri dosti meri jindgi ban kar,
Vo baat aur hai agar jindgi vaffa na kare.

Na gujarana aaj k din kisi masjid k pas se
kahi log chand samajhkar roja na tod de,
or hokar khafa Khuda tumse kahin,
Husn banana na chhod de.

Likha manjur kissmat ne khuda ko yaad kyaa karna,
jaha bedard haakim hoo wahaa fariyaad kyaa karna*

2009 year best joke ever

I know you will laugh at this.*

Out of a bunch of millions of sperms, there was this one sperm named mosasa.

Mosasa was always trying to keep his fitness, jogging, lifting weights, and


even swimming. And when his friends asked him why was he doing these things


he said "only one of us will meet the egg and make a baby, and I want to be


that one when the time comes". His friends would just laugh at him and pass.






The time for them to go out came and Mosasa outran all of them (I'm talking


millions of sperms) to the exit, as a matter of fact, there was a huge gap


between Mosasa and the rest.






All of a sudden the other guys saw Mosasa running back as fast as they have


ever saw him. As he passed them to an opposite direction they asked, "


Mosasa why are you running back, didn't you say you wanted to be the one",


and Mosasa breathlessly replied, "heh heh heh heh… "This fool is


masturbating."