day after a man lost his wife in a boating accident, two grim-faced policemen greeted him at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!" Mr.Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
-------------------------------------------------
Eight Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active
1. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.
2. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass
3. Grandpa grabs crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."
4. Granny found cuffed to her walker.
5. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
6. Grandma looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.
7. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
8. Craftmatic adjustable bed set for "doggy style."
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Someone mistakenly left the cages open in the reptile house at the Bronx Zoo and there were snakes slithering all over the place. Frantically, the keeper tried everything, but he could not get them back in their cages.
Finally he yelled to his co-worker, "Quick, call a lawyer!"
The co-worker responded, "A lawyer? Why??"
The zookeeper barked back, "We need someone who speaks their language!"
Monday, June 29, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
adults jokes
* Teacher class mein apne baby ko doodh pilate hue boli: Ale ale mela beta dudh p k doctor banega.
Pappu: Mam! Thoda hame bhi pila do hum compounder hi ban jaayenge.
* Grammar Teacher: Rahul sharaab Nahin Peeta Hai. Is sentence mein
Rahul kya hai?
Pappu: Madam! Rahul chutiya hai...
* Lalu: Rabri, tum to hamara CHAND ho.
Rabri: Na ji hamka CHAND VAND mat kahiye, ye sasure America wale roj Chand
pe chadte utarte rahte hai.
* Ladke wale ladki ka haath kab mangte hai???????????
JAB LADKE KA HAATH THAK JATA HAI...............
Pappu: Mam! Thoda hame bhi pila do hum compounder hi ban jaayenge.
* Grammar Teacher: Rahul sharaab Nahin Peeta Hai. Is sentence mein
Rahul kya hai?
Pappu: Madam! Rahul chutiya hai...
* Lalu: Rabri, tum to hamara CHAND ho.
Rabri: Na ji hamka CHAND VAND mat kahiye, ye sasure America wale roj Chand
pe chadte utarte rahte hai.
* Ladke wale ladki ka haath kab mangte hai???????????
JAB LADKE KA HAATH THAK JATA HAI...............
the black condom
This guy is really horny, but all he has is two pounds. He goes to the nearest whore house and says to the man working there, "Look, I'm really horny, but all I have is two pounds. What can I get?"
"Well, the cheapest we have is one 100. But I'll cut you a deal on two conditions. For two quid, I'll let you go down two doors on the right, but you have to wear a black condom, and leave the lights out!"
The horny man agrees and goes two doors down on the right with the black condom on and the lights out. A while later he comes back out and says to the man working there, "Man, that was the best sex I've ever had, but why did I have to wear the black condom?"
"Well, you gotta show some respect for the dead!"
"Well, the cheapest we have is one 100. But I'll cut you a deal on two conditions. For two quid, I'll let you go down two doors on the right, but you have to wear a black condom, and leave the lights out!"
The horny man agrees and goes two doors down on the right with the black condom on and the lights out. A while later he comes back out and says to the man working there, "Man, that was the best sex I've ever had, but why did I have to wear the black condom?"
"Well, you gotta show some respect for the dead!"
Deal Under the Table
A young married couple exploring new ways of romance, intimacy, love, pleasure, joy, touch, smell, positions and styles of Kamasutra, venue, adventure were sitting at a candle light table in a splendid restaurant in the quietest corner of their choice.
They ordered expensive wine and Hors D'oeuvres. Suddenly the man started slipping on his chair.
The waitress noticed it from a distance with her other responsibilities, but thought man would handle himself and straighten out.
However, the man slowly started sliding under the table further until he disappeared. The wife was quite unconcerned, inattentive to her husband and kept on drinking and eating expansively.
The waitress had to react and help. She came to the woman and said, "Ma'am your husband may have lost his balance, and slipped under the table."
The lady replied with a whoop of pleasure, "Perhaps, but don't worry he is enjoying the Deal Under the Table."
They ordered expensive wine and Hors D'oeuvres. Suddenly the man started slipping on his chair.
The waitress noticed it from a distance with her other responsibilities, but thought man would handle himself and straighten out.
However, the man slowly started sliding under the table further until he disappeared. The wife was quite unconcerned, inattentive to her husband and kept on drinking and eating expansively.
The waitress had to react and help. She came to the woman and said, "Ma'am your husband may have lost his balance, and slipped under the table."
The lady replied with a whoop of pleasure, "Perhaps, but don't worry he is enjoying the Deal Under the Table."
Failure is not when ur girlfriend leaves you
Failure is not when ur girlfriend leaves you...
It's only when u leave her a virgin.
Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror: When girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror: When both r pregnant!
Tragedy: When U r Not responsible 4 both!
The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of Sperm when mating. Only
10% enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted Salty?!
Why is it that a girl looks down when u say I love u? To see if u really mean it!
Why is sex similar to shaving?
Well, because no matter how well u do it today, tomorrow u have to do it again.
Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.
Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex .
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 Years.
The stock markets now are like an old man's dick?
Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is still getting fucked!
This week is Breast Awareness Week. Spread the slogan: We stare because we care!
The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls.
The Lord Almighty sentenced them to: Hang Till Death !
A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in.
He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.
What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.
If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?
Tit-Bits.
And if it bursts in a man's underwear?
Banana split.
What's the diff between a bomb n a condom?
In a bomb blast population decreases & if a condom blasts population increases.
It's only when u leave her a virgin.
Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror: When girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror: When both r pregnant!
Tragedy: When U r Not responsible 4 both!
The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of Sperm when mating. Only
10% enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted Salty?!
Why is it that a girl looks down when u say I love u? To see if u really mean it!
Why is sex similar to shaving?
Well, because no matter how well u do it today, tomorrow u have to do it again.
Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.
Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex .
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 Years.
The stock markets now are like an old man's dick?
Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is still getting fucked!
This week is Breast Awareness Week. Spread the slogan: We stare because we care!
The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls.
The Lord Almighty sentenced them to: Hang Till Death !
A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in.
He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.
What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.
If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?
Tit-Bits.
And if it bursts in a man's underwear?
Banana split.
What's the diff between a bomb n a condom?
In a bomb blast population decreases & if a condom blasts population increases.
why indians re birth ?
*Why only Indians are re-born ?*
The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said 'I have to talk to you. We have some Indians up here in heaven and they are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Dolce and Gabana saris instead of their white robes, they are riding Mercedes' and BMWs instead of the chariots, and they're selling their halos to people for discounted prices. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep crouching down midway eating samosas and drinking chai. Some of them are even walking around with just one wing!'
The Lord said, 'Indians are Indians. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, give Satan a call.'
Satan answered the phone, 'Hello? Damn, hold on a minute.' Satan returned to the phone, 'OK I'm back. What can I do for you?'
Gabriel replied, 'I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there.'
Satan says, 'Hold on again. I need to check on something.'
After about 5 minutes Satan returns to the phone and said, 'I'm back. Now, what was the question?'
Gabriel said, 'What kind of problems are you having down there?'
Satan says, 'Man, I don't believe this! Hold on.'
This time Satan was gone at least 15 minutes. He returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now... These Indians are trying to install air conditioning and making hell a comfortable place to live in by putting out the fire. Since they are so tech savvy, they were trying to start a
telephone connection between heaven and hell...I am having such a hard time controlling and dealing with them!! Some were trying to start a chai - pakora shop, which I had to stop...
As a clincher, Satan then said, "I am requesting the Lord to send them back on earth as soon as they arrive as re-birth cases".
The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said 'I have to talk to you. We have some Indians up here in heaven and they are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Dolce and Gabana saris instead of their white robes, they are riding Mercedes' and BMWs instead of the chariots, and they're selling their halos to people for discounted prices. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep crouching down midway eating samosas and drinking chai. Some of them are even walking around with just one wing!'
The Lord said, 'Indians are Indians. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, give Satan a call.'
Satan answered the phone, 'Hello? Damn, hold on a minute.' Satan returned to the phone, 'OK I'm back. What can I do for you?'
Gabriel replied, 'I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there.'
Satan says, 'Hold on again. I need to check on something.'
After about 5 minutes Satan returns to the phone and said, 'I'm back. Now, what was the question?'
Gabriel said, 'What kind of problems are you having down there?'
Satan says, 'Man, I don't believe this! Hold on.'
This time Satan was gone at least 15 minutes. He returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now... These Indians are trying to install air conditioning and making hell a comfortable place to live in by putting out the fire. Since they are so tech savvy, they were trying to start a
telephone connection between heaven and hell...I am having such a hard time controlling and dealing with them!! Some were trying to start a chai - pakora shop, which I had to stop...
As a clincher, Satan then said, "I am requesting the Lord to send them back on earth as soon as they arrive as re-birth cases".
think once
If you can't be a pencil to write anyone's happiness, try at least to be a
nice rubber to erase everyone's sorrows....
When I was born I was given a choice of either being a brilliant lover or
having an amazing memory, unfortunately I forgot which one I chose.
I used to scintillate - now I sin 'til just half past three
We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
nice rubber to erase everyone's sorrows....
When I was born I was given a choice of either being a brilliant lover or
having an amazing memory, unfortunately I forgot which one I chose.
I used to scintillate - now I sin 'til just half past three
We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
How the fight starts
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
*********************************************************************************
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
*********************************************************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive...
So, I took her to a gas station..
And then the fight started...
******************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and my wife kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked my wife, 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' She sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said to my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
******************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Naaah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
******************************
A woman is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started..... .
******************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
******************************
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
******************************
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first:
the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'
And then the fight started...
the supermarket
A woman goes to the supermarket. She starts walking up and down the aisles. Each aisle she goes to she touches her head, her ears, her breasts, and her crotch. After doing this a number of times a man approaches her and ask if she is having a problem.
She tells him no. He says that he would like to know what she is doing at the beginning of each aisle. She says she is trying to remember her grocery list. He seems puzzled and asks her for an explanation. She goes through the motions saying: "One head of lettuce, 2 ears of corn, 2 breasts of chicken, and food for my pussycat."
She tells him no. He says that he would like to know what she is doing at the beginning of each aisle. She says she is trying to remember her grocery list. He seems puzzled and asks her for an explanation. She goes through the motions saying: "One head of lettuce, 2 ears of corn, 2 breasts of chicken, and food for my pussycat."
Guide to Remove Bra
OBJECTIVE:
To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot.
WHAT YOU NEED:
1) Girl with bra
2) Two functional hands
3) Common Sense
TECHNIQUES
1) THE HOUDINI HUG -- Using sleight-of-hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, "Ta-da!"
2) MCGYVER'S OFF-THE-SHOULDER SLIDE -- An alternative method to use after ten minutes of unsuccessful hugging.
3) HILTON'S LAST RESORT -- Beg like a dog and learn to absorb the harsh sound of wicked laughter.
DO NOT USE: scissors, blowtorch, pliers, wire strippers, cutlery, Black Magic, staple remover, chainsaw, brute strength, CB4, set of lock picks, or chisel and hammer.
WARNING: When removing a bra you should not say the following:
1) "I really want to thank you for this."
2) "Dammit! I thought they were bigger."
3) "Do you have any cereal?"""""""""
To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot.
WHAT YOU NEED:
1) Girl with bra
2) Two functional hands
3) Common Sense
TECHNIQUES
1) THE HOUDINI HUG -- Using sleight-of-hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, "Ta-da!"
2) MCGYVER'S OFF-THE-SHOULDER SLIDE -- An alternative method to use after ten minutes of unsuccessful hugging.
3) HILTON'S LAST RESORT -- Beg like a dog and learn to absorb the harsh sound of wicked laughter.
DO NOT USE: scissors, blowtorch, pliers, wire strippers, cutlery, Black Magic, staple remover, chainsaw, brute strength, CB4, set of lock picks, or chisel and hammer.
WARNING: When removing a bra you should not say the following:
1) "I really want to thank you for this."
2) "Dammit! I thought they were bigger."
3) "Do you have any cereal?"""""""""
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Oshima
A Japanese family just arrived in the United states and stays at a moderate hotel in New York. As they ride up the elevator to their suite, a gentleman gets in at the next floor.
Stunned by the beauty of the Japanese daughter, the man tries to communicate with her, only to find she speaks no English. Undeterred, the man asks the father if he could take his daughter to dinner. Having some English experience from his many business trips to the states, the father communicates to the daughter and dinner plans are made.
After dinner, they head up to his suite. Well, one thing leads to another and as he starts going at it she starts moaning "Oshima!". Believing this must mean she's getting into it, he thrusts harder and harder and she is screaming "Oshima!, Oshima!!".
The next morning, the gentleman invites the father to a round of golf, knowing how much the Japanese love the sport. On the first hole, the father tees up, and nails a hole in one. Thinking quickly, the gentleman yells out "Oshima!!".
The father, with a complexed look, turns to the man and says...
"What the hell do you mean wrong hole?!"
Stunned by the beauty of the Japanese daughter, the man tries to communicate with her, only to find she speaks no English. Undeterred, the man asks the father if he could take his daughter to dinner. Having some English experience from his many business trips to the states, the father communicates to the daughter and dinner plans are made.
After dinner, they head up to his suite. Well, one thing leads to another and as he starts going at it she starts moaning "Oshima!". Believing this must mean she's getting into it, he thrusts harder and harder and she is screaming "Oshima!, Oshima!!".
The next morning, the gentleman invites the father to a round of golf, knowing how much the Japanese love the sport. On the first hole, the father tees up, and nails a hole in one. Thinking quickly, the gentleman yells out "Oshima!!".
The father, with a complexed look, turns to the man and says...
"What the hell do you mean wrong hole?!"
Heaven
Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his
finger, the philsopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another
snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his
finger, the philsopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another
snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven.
catch my eye
A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.
"Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her HOUSE, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins undressing him.
The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night. The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed.
"You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies... "You just happened to catch my eye."
"Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her HOUSE, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins undressing him.
The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night. The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed.
"You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies... "You just happened to catch my eye."
I m the groom.
A traffic cop in a small town stopped a motorist for speeding. "But,
office," pleaded the driver. "I can explain ."
"Save your excuses," said the cop. "You can cool your heels in a cell till
the chief gets back."
"But, officer ."
"Be quiet!" snapped the cop. "You're going in a cell. The chief will deal
with you when he gets back."
A few hours later the officer looked in on the prisoner. "Lucky for you that
the chief's at his daughter's wedding. It means he's sure to be in a good
mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it." said the prisoner. "I'm the groom."
office," pleaded the driver. "I can explain ."
"Save your excuses," said the cop. "You can cool your heels in a cell till
the chief gets back."
"But, officer ."
"Be quiet!" snapped the cop. "You're going in a cell. The chief will deal
with you when he gets back."
A few hours later the officer looked in on the prisoner. "Lucky for you that
the chief's at his daughter's wedding. It means he's sure to be in a good
mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it." said the prisoner. "I'm the groom."
THE GOLFING NUN
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
?
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
'You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?'
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
?
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
'You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?'
toothpaste dripping
A little girl accidentally walks in on her father while he's getting
dressed.
She points to his dick and says, "Daddy, what's that?"
Not wanting to explain to her yet, he says, "Uh, I can't tell you, it's a
secret."
The little girl finds her mother and asks, "What is that long thing between
Daddy's legs?"
Her mother also doesn't want to explain sex yet, so she says, "I don't know,
he won't tell me."
A couple days later the little girl says to her mother. "Mommy, I finally
figured out what that thing between Daddy's legs is. It's a toothbrush! "
"Why do you think that?" the amused mother asks.
"Because," the little girl says, "this morning I saw the maid sliding it in
and out of her mouth and she had toothpaste dripping down her chin."
dressed.
She points to his dick and says, "Daddy, what's that?"
Not wanting to explain to her yet, he says, "Uh, I can't tell you, it's a
secret."
The little girl finds her mother and asks, "What is that long thing between
Daddy's legs?"
Her mother also doesn't want to explain sex yet, so she says, "I don't know,
he won't tell me."
A couple days later the little girl says to her mother. "Mommy, I finally
figured out what that thing between Daddy's legs is. It's a toothbrush! "
"Why do you think that?" the amused mother asks.
"Because," the little girl says, "this morning I saw the maid sliding it in
and out of her mouth and she had toothpaste dripping down her chin."
Welcome to Heaven
The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment
when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.' The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man. 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable
cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where are the low fat and low
cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing bran Flakes.We could have
been here ten years ago!'
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment
when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.' The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man. 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable
cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where are the low fat and low
cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing bran Flakes.We could have
been here ten years ago!'
Fun facts
1. In Frackville, Pennsylvania, a woman filed for divorce because her
husband insisted on "shooting tin cans off of her head with a
slingshot."
2. A female orgasm is a powerful painkiller (because of the release of
endorphins), so headaches are in fact a bad excuse not to have sex.
source
3. Over 11,000 people are injured every year trying out new sexual
positions. source
4. People who have never been married are seven and a half times to be
admitted to a psychiatric facility than married.
5. The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II
who fathered over 160 children.
6. In Elizabethan slang, the term "to die" meant to have an orgasm.
This double entendre was often used by John Donne, and by Shakespeare
in King Lear.
7. In a survey conducted by a women's magazine, 70 percent of female
respondents said they would rather have chocolate than sex, according
to the Chocolate Manufacturers Association. source
8. Percentage of runners who say they think about sex while running:
66%. Percentage who say then think about running while having sex: 8%.
source1 source2
9. The phrase "honeymoon" came from the Greeks. It was customary for
the bride's family to supply the groom with a month (or full moon
cycle) of the wedding wine, which tasted like honey. source
10. According to the Hite Report, candles are the artificial device
used most frequently by women when masturbating. source
11. As late as 1940, a candidate for the U.S. Naval Academy was
rejected if it was discovered that he masturbated. source
12. "Hockey" is archaic slang for "semen." source
13. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating
are already married.
14. Impotence is grounds for divorce in 24 states in the US. source
15. In Kentucky, 50 percent of the people who get married for the
first time are teenagers.
16. In 1976, a Los Angeles secretary formally married her 50-pound pet rock.
17. In ancient Greece, courtesans wore sandals with nails studded into
the sole so that their footprints would leave the message "Follow me".
source
18. The orchid is named after the male genitalia. Its botanical family
name, Orchidaceae, means "testicles" in Greek and may derive from an
early notion that the orchid possessed aphrodisiac qualities. source
19. In 2000 BC, Egyptians used crocodile and elephant dung as a
contraceptive. source
20. Thirty-one percent of men and 43 percent of women regularly suffer
from some form of sexual dysfunction, warranting recognition as a
significant public health concern, according to a new comprehensive
U.S. sex study. source
21. Couples who marry in January, February, and March tend to have the
highest divorce rates.
22. The average speed of ejaculation is 28 miles per hour.
23. Some odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender,
licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie. source
24. During a kiss as many as 278 bacteria colonies are exchanged. source
25. The world's greatest lover was arguably King Mongkut of Siam. He
had 9,000 women in his harem. source
26. It was considered elegant for aristocratic ladies of the sixteenth
century to let their pubic hair grow as long as possible so it could
be pomaded and adorned with bows and ribbon.
27. 85% of the men who die while having sex, die with someone other
than their spouse.
28. In Asian countries, the velvet covering on a deer's antlers is
considered to be an aphrodisiac.
29. Harvard researchers have concluded after careful scientific
studies that Coca-Cola is not an effective spermicide.
30. 70% of marriages in Oregon end in divorce.
31. In a 1997 survey by Durex condoms, the French were found to be the
best lovers, then Italians, Americans, South Africans, Brits,
Australians, and Canadians. Hong Kong came in last. source
32. At one time in India, a fiancee was required to deflower his
future bride if she died before the wedding. The girl could not be
cremated until this ritual was carried out in front of the village
priest.
33. It was proposed in the Rhode Island legislature in the 1970s that
there be a $2 tax on every act of sexual intercourse.
34. By the age of 24, one in three sexually active people will have
contracted a sexually transmitted infection. At least one in four
Americans, perhaps as many as one in two, will contract a sexually
trasmitted infection at some point in their lifetime. source
35. On the average, approximately 230 marriage licenses are issued per
day in Las Vegas. source
36. For ancient Greeks and Romans, the wedding bouquet was a pungent
mix of garlic and herbs or grains. The garlic was supposed to ward off
evil spirits and the herbs or grains were to insure a fruitful union.
source
37. Every year on March 15 Japan throws a giant festival to celebrate
the penis and fertility. A 900-pound wooden phallus is paraded around
the streets of the town Komaki, and women carry massive dildos in
their arms. Thousands of people come to pay homage to the penis and
take part in the festivities. source
38. In Puritan times, to be born on a Sunday was interpreted as a sign
of great sin. Puritans believed that children born on the Sabbath Day
were conceived on this sacred day, and sexual intercourse on Sundays
was a sacrilege. source
39. Guitar fan Chris Black of London actually had a wedding ceremony
to officially marry his Fender Stratocaster in 1995. source
40. Alan Hirsch of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation
in Chicago found that the candied licorice smell produced by "Good and
Plenty" candy, the odor of cucumber, and the aura of baby powder
increased blood flow to the vagina 13 percent above the average blood
flow. source
41. A Florida phone sex operator won a workers' compensation
settlement claiming she was injured after regularly masturbating at
work, her lawyer said. source source
42. The Huichol Indians have an interesting tradition. When a woman is
giving birth, her husband sits above her with a rope wrapped around
his testicles. When the woman feels pain she tugs on the rope so that
he too can experience the pain of childbirth. source source
43. An average of 300,000 Valentines are remailed annually from
Loveland, Colorado. These Valentines come form 140 different
countries and all 50 states. source
44. Thought you'd live with your partner for a while, before you
decide to get married? Well, in Virginia, unmarried cohabitation is
illegal! source
45. A survey by Novartis, the pet medicine company, shows that 11
percent of cat owners have ended a personal or romantic relationship
because a person didn't like their cat. source
46. 85% of all valentines are purchased by women. (Well this just
seems obvious to me, but I thought it was still interesting enough to
include here.) source
47. Men purchase about 90% of the roses bought for Valentine's Day. source
48. In the Middle Ages, young men and women drew names from a bowl to
see who their valentines would be. They would wear these names on
their sleeves for one week. Thus the origin of the phrase "to wear
your heart on your sleeve." source
49. According to Directroses.
husband insisted on "shooting tin cans off of her head with a
slingshot."
2. A female orgasm is a powerful painkiller (because of the release of
endorphins), so headaches are in fact a bad excuse not to have sex.
source
3. Over 11,000 people are injured every year trying out new sexual
positions. source
4. People who have never been married are seven and a half times to be
admitted to a psychiatric facility than married.
5. The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II
who fathered over 160 children.
6. In Elizabethan slang, the term "to die" meant to have an orgasm.
This double entendre was often used by John Donne, and by Shakespeare
in King Lear.
7. In a survey conducted by a women's magazine, 70 percent of female
respondents said they would rather have chocolate than sex, according
to the Chocolate Manufacturers Association. source
8. Percentage of runners who say they think about sex while running:
66%. Percentage who say then think about running while having sex: 8%.
source1 source2
9. The phrase "honeymoon" came from the Greeks. It was customary for
the bride's family to supply the groom with a month (or full moon
cycle) of the wedding wine, which tasted like honey. source
10. According to the Hite Report, candles are the artificial device
used most frequently by women when masturbating. source
11. As late as 1940, a candidate for the U.S. Naval Academy was
rejected if it was discovered that he masturbated. source
12. "Hockey" is archaic slang for "semen." source
13. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating
are already married.
14. Impotence is grounds for divorce in 24 states in the US. source
15. In Kentucky, 50 percent of the people who get married for the
first time are teenagers.
16. In 1976, a Los Angeles secretary formally married her 50-pound pet rock.
17. In ancient Greece, courtesans wore sandals with nails studded into
the sole so that their footprints would leave the message "Follow me".
source
18. The orchid is named after the male genitalia. Its botanical family
name, Orchidaceae, means "testicles" in Greek and may derive from an
early notion that the orchid possessed aphrodisiac qualities. source
19. In 2000 BC, Egyptians used crocodile and elephant dung as a
contraceptive. source
20. Thirty-one percent of men and 43 percent of women regularly suffer
from some form of sexual dysfunction, warranting recognition as a
significant public health concern, according to a new comprehensive
U.S. sex study. source
21. Couples who marry in January, February, and March tend to have the
highest divorce rates.
22. The average speed of ejaculation is 28 miles per hour.
23. Some odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender,
licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie. source
24. During a kiss as many as 278 bacteria colonies are exchanged. source
25. The world's greatest lover was arguably King Mongkut of Siam. He
had 9,000 women in his harem. source
26. It was considered elegant for aristocratic ladies of the sixteenth
century to let their pubic hair grow as long as possible so it could
be pomaded and adorned with bows and ribbon.
27. 85% of the men who die while having sex, die with someone other
than their spouse.
28. In Asian countries, the velvet covering on a deer's antlers is
considered to be an aphrodisiac.
29. Harvard researchers have concluded after careful scientific
studies that Coca-Cola is not an effective spermicide.
30. 70% of marriages in Oregon end in divorce.
31. In a 1997 survey by Durex condoms, the French were found to be the
best lovers, then Italians, Americans, South Africans, Brits,
Australians, and Canadians. Hong Kong came in last. source
32. At one time in India, a fiancee was required to deflower his
future bride if she died before the wedding. The girl could not be
cremated until this ritual was carried out in front of the village
priest.
33. It was proposed in the Rhode Island legislature in the 1970s that
there be a $2 tax on every act of sexual intercourse.
34. By the age of 24, one in three sexually active people will have
contracted a sexually transmitted infection. At least one in four
Americans, perhaps as many as one in two, will contract a sexually
trasmitted infection at some point in their lifetime. source
35. On the average, approximately 230 marriage licenses are issued per
day in Las Vegas. source
36. For ancient Greeks and Romans, the wedding bouquet was a pungent
mix of garlic and herbs or grains. The garlic was supposed to ward off
evil spirits and the herbs or grains were to insure a fruitful union.
source
37. Every year on March 15 Japan throws a giant festival to celebrate
the penis and fertility. A 900-pound wooden phallus is paraded around
the streets of the town Komaki, and women carry massive dildos in
their arms. Thousands of people come to pay homage to the penis and
take part in the festivities. source
38. In Puritan times, to be born on a Sunday was interpreted as a sign
of great sin. Puritans believed that children born on the Sabbath Day
were conceived on this sacred day, and sexual intercourse on Sundays
was a sacrilege. source
39. Guitar fan Chris Black of London actually had a wedding ceremony
to officially marry his Fender Stratocaster in 1995. source
40. Alan Hirsch of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation
in Chicago found that the candied licorice smell produced by "Good and
Plenty" candy, the odor of cucumber, and the aura of baby powder
increased blood flow to the vagina 13 percent above the average blood
flow. source
41. A Florida phone sex operator won a workers' compensation
settlement claiming she was injured after regularly masturbating at
work, her lawyer said. source source
42. The Huichol Indians have an interesting tradition. When a woman is
giving birth, her husband sits above her with a rope wrapped around
his testicles. When the woman feels pain she tugs on the rope so that
he too can experience the pain of childbirth. source source
43. An average of 300,000 Valentines are remailed annually from
Loveland, Colorado. These Valentines come form 140 different
countries and all 50 states. source
44. Thought you'd live with your partner for a while, before you
decide to get married? Well, in Virginia, unmarried cohabitation is
illegal! source
45. A survey by Novartis, the pet medicine company, shows that 11
percent of cat owners have ended a personal or romantic relationship
because a person didn't like their cat. source
46. 85% of all valentines are purchased by women. (Well this just
seems obvious to me, but I thought it was still interesting enough to
include here.) source
47. Men purchase about 90% of the roses bought for Valentine's Day. source
48. In the Middle Ages, young men and women drew names from a bowl to
see who their valentines would be. They would wear these names on
their sleeves for one week. Thus the origin of the phrase "to wear
your heart on your sleeve." source
49. According to Directroses.
and 30% of men, buy
Valentine gifts either the day before, or on Valentine's Day. source
50. Once the Chicago post office rejected 25,000 valentines claiming
they were vulgar and unfit to go through the mail. source
51. In order of popularity, Valentine's Day cards are given to:
teachers, children, mothers, wives, sweethearts, Koko the gorilla.
source
52. There are eight cities in the United States with "Love" in their
names: Loveland, Colo., Lovejoy, Ga.; Loves Park, Ill.; Lovelock,
Nev.; Love Valley, N.C.; Loveland, Ohio; Loveland, Okla.; and
Lovelady, Texas. source
53. In the U.S. boyfriends and husbands struggle over the treats to
purchase for their loved ones for Valentine's Day. In Japan, things
are different. In Japan, the women are the only ones to purchase
chocolates for St. Valentine's Day, giving them to the men. source
54. Valentine's Day Birthdays, February 14: 1894 Jack Benny, 1913 Mel
Allen, 1913 Jimmy Hoffa, 1921 Hugh Downs, 1932 Vic Morrow, 1934
Florence Henderson, 1946 Gregory Hines, 1944 Carl Bernstein, 1960 Meg
Tilly, 1972 Drew Bledsoe
55. In 1970, brides were on average 20.8 years old when they married,
while grooms were 23.2. Americans are now marrying later in life. In
the year 2000, brides were on average 25.1 with their grooms averaging
26.8. USA Today
56. According to 2000 Census data, Maine has a higher percentage of
unmarried partners living together. source
Fifty mistakes women make when making love
50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex
1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to
popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you
decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest
you figure it out.
2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time.
Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off
is the hot. It depends on the situation.
3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell
him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all
wound up.
4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes
most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out.
It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his
head, it's not his fault.
5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is
uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when
it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.
6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's
nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time
is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not
willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.
7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our
throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.
8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I don't know who comes up with half that
shit, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling.
9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking
your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right,
and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to
the signals that he's sending you.
10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.
11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He's about to
get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it
concerns you so much, undress him yourself.
12. Not shaving your legs. I'm pretty bad at this myself. But if you want
your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.
13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes,
some people don't want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If
you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for you. But for the love of
Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.
14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have
is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That's as far as
it goes unless otherwise noted.
15. Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it.
Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest
you get some kneepads.
16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use
your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're
having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain
what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with
answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up
drywall".
17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he
uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all
men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is
his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway.
Go back to Jr High.
18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can
be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be
offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore
and tells you to come, it's his way of showing that he cares if you get off.
Stop being a sissy.
19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex
OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.
20. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a
dynamic thing. There's an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes
but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the
wall. Readjust your thinking.
21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before
you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the
butt, and you giggle and say no like it's an invitation, don't look
surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt.
22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know
for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out.
23. Undressing in the dark. If you're shy, dim the lights, but give the man
something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers,
either.
24. Refusing to get on top. There's no reason men should have to do all the
work.
25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women.
Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit.
Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer
a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.
26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your
body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to
make his job easier.
27. Being too afraid to guide your partner's hand when he's touching you.
Don't like the way he's doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you
like it.
28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that
you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. Its your
choice to stop, but don't look all fucking surprised when he's confused. You
got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?
29. Refusing to let him take control. So you're a feminist. Big fucking
deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one.
30. Refusing to take control. It's ok to crawl across a bed to him on all
fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start
things all the time.
31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have
things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to
kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his
penis.
32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them,
suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them.
33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets
you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with
the mess.
34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he
tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy
yourself. You get a great view.
35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the
bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it
against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and
giggle at the memory.
36. Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You're not making
anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird
noises. Stop romanticizing it.
37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's hilarious.
Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their
head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat.
It's how you deal with it that really matters.
38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3-some. It's the American dream.
(I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One
request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the
difference).
39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth.
Really. Grab a bottle of water.
40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. It's
another when you snag the goods with a claw.
41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen.
That's the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and can't jizz and be
done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.
42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he
knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.
43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks
he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not working, he's
not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which
will eventually be very damaging to his ego.
44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of
a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and things smell a
little...fishy.
1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to
popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you
decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest
you figure it out.
2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time.
Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off
is the hot. It depends on the situation.
3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell
him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all
wound up.
4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes
most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out.
It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his
head, it's not his fault.
5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is
uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when
it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.
6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's
nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time
is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not
willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.
7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our
throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.
8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I don't know who comes up with half that
shit, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling.
9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking
your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right,
and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to
the signals that he's sending you.
10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.
11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He's about to
get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it
concerns you so much, undress him yourself.
12. Not shaving your legs. I'm pretty bad at this myself. But if you want
your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.
13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes,
some people don't want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If
you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for you. But for the love of
Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.
14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have
is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That's as far as
it goes unless otherwise noted.
15. Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it.
Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest
you get some kneepads.
16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use
your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're
having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain
what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with
answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up
drywall".
17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he
uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all
men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is
his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway.
Go back to Jr High.
18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can
be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be
offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore
and tells you to come, it's his way of showing that he cares if you get off.
Stop being a sissy.
19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex
OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.
20. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a
dynamic thing. There's an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes
but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the
wall. Readjust your thinking.
21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before
you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the
butt, and you giggle and say no like it's an invitation, don't look
surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt.
22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know
for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out.
23. Undressing in the dark. If you're shy, dim the lights, but give the man
something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers,
either.
24. Refusing to get on top. There's no reason men should have to do all the
work.
25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women.
Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit.
Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer
a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.
26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your
body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to
make his job easier.
27. Being too afraid to guide your partner's hand when he's touching you.
Don't like the way he's doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you
like it.
28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that
you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. Its your
choice to stop, but don't look all fucking surprised when he's confused. You
got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?
29. Refusing to let him take control. So you're a feminist. Big fucking
deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one.
30. Refusing to take control. It's ok to crawl across a bed to him on all
fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start
things all the time.
31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have
things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to
kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his
penis.
32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them,
suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them.
33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets
you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with
the mess.
34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he
tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy
yourself. You get a great view.
35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the
bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it
against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and
giggle at the memory.
36. Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You're not making
anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird
noises. Stop romanticizing it.
37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's hilarious.
Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their
head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat.
It's how you deal with it that really matters.
38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3-some. It's the American dream.
(I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One
request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the
difference).
39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth.
Really. Grab a bottle of water.
40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. It's
another when you snag the goods with a claw.
41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen.
That's the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and can't jizz and be
done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.
42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he
knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.
43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks
he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not working, he's
not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which
will eventually be very damaging to his ego.
44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of
a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and things smell a
little...fishy.
45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not
specifically approved before hand. I don't care what Cosmo says, some things
are simply not pleasant surprises.
46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because
you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by
the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They'll wash.
47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with
makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later.
And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream
on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.
48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing
the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then
sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not
the way to do it.
49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an
interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably mortified and you
are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy".
Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn't,
get off another way with him. He's still capable of getting you off.
Mumbling "Forget it" and rolling over are not ok.
50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good
for you?". Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it
means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in
that order.
Only for adults
Q: What is the resemblance between a woman and a condom?
A: They both fit around your dick and are present in your wallet.
. Q: Why does a woman have two pair of lips?
A: One is for fighting and one is to make up.
. Lady 2 Maid: Tu saare kaam mein bekaar hai!
Bai: Bister mein to aap se aachi hoon!
Lady: Tujhe sab ne bola kya?
Bai: Nahin, driver bol raha tha!
. A man kills a deer & cooks it but doesn't tell kids what it is.
He gives a clue: It's what mom calls me.
Boy cries out: Don't eat it. It's a fucking asshole.
. Suhagrat ke time darvaze pe dastak hoti hai toh dulhan bhag k parde ke
peeche chup jati hai.
Husband: Kya hua?
Dulhan: Mujhe laga police ki raid par gai.
. Son kills a butterfly.
Dad: No butter for 2 weeks.
Son kills a honeybee.
Dad: No honey for 2 weeks.
Mom kills a cockroach.
Son: Dad u tell her or should I?
. Man: Bless me God! My son is drug addict, my daughter is a call girl, my
wife is a gambler.
God: Is anything +ve in ur family?
Man: I'm HIV positive.
. Unborn twins in the mother's stomach saw a penis.
1st Baby: Dekh Papa aa rahe hai.
2nd: Abe stupid, ye pados wale uncle hai, papa kabhi raincoat nahi pehante.
. Rosemary divorced Mr.Lele b'coz she was sick of telling her name,"Roz Meri
Lele."
Imagine her tough luck, she was re-married to Mr. Marlow
. Husband: Jee karta hai ki tumhari zulfon mein kho jaaon, tumhare aankhon
mein bas jaaon, tumhari bahon mein jhool jaon.
Wife: Neeche kya mohalle wale ghusengey?
. Description of prostitute, wife & girlfriend in mobile language?
First one is prepaid, second is postpaid and the last one is democard.
. Man 2 wife on wedding night: R u sure that I'm the 1st man you have slept
with?
Wife: Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others.
. Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
. Playboy has started a special edition 4 married men. The same woman is
featured every month.
. A doc advising his patient who had a heart attack: No smoking, no drinking
& hv sex only with ur wife because it is important that you avoid
excitement.
. Ek bahu saari raat paraaye mard ke saath sokar aayi lekin uski saas ne
kuch nahin kaha, why?
Kyonki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi!!
. What's the difference between stress, tension & panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant, tension is when g/f is pregnant & panic is
when both r pregnant.
. 'Great, just what I need,' she moaned as he brought home a new microwave
oven.
'One more thing that heats up instantly & goes off in 20 seconds.'
. It has been determined that the most often sexual position for married
couples is the doggie position!
The hubby sits up and begs while the wife rolls over and plays dead!
. Wife n Mobile:
Dono hi dusro ke achche lagte hai.
Dono hi naye achche lagte hai.
Dono ko hi raat bhar charge karna padta hai.
Ansoon ko ankhon ki dehleez par laya na karo,
Apne dil ki halat kisi ko bataya na karo,
Log muthi bhar namak liye ghumtey hain,
Apne zakhm kisi ko dikhaya na karo.
. Ansoo tere nikale to aankhein meri ho,
Dil tera dhadke to dhadkan meri ho,
Khuda kare ki apni dosti itni gehari ho,
Baap tu bane to Mehanat meri ho!
. Kya aap SEX karte hai,
Kya aap CONDOM use karte hain,
Kya aap AIDS se darte hai,
To aap HATH se Q nahi karte hai,
HATH chale to AIDS tale.
. Door gaon mein ek basti thi,
Wahan ki ladkiyan bahut sasti thi,
Unki ga#d mein itni masti thi,
Jitna dalo utna hasti thi.,
But why r u smiling?
. Mangta hoon to deti nahin ho: JAWAB MERI BAAT KA
Deti ho to khada ho jata hai: ROM-ROM JAZBAAT KA
Kyon bolti ho ke dheere se daalo: BALON MAIN PHOOL GULAB KA.
. Arz kiya hai:
I am a dog and u r a flower,
gaur farmaiega I am a dog and u r a flower,
so let me lift my leg n give u a shower!
. Paro aur chandramuki ka noor app pe barse, har koi aapke sath sone ko
tarse,
aapke jeevan me aaye itni ladkiyan,
ki app CHADDI pahen ne ko tarse.
Q: Why does a stupid blond girl never swim on her belly?
A: When she feels something wet she turn on her back.
. Q: Why are men like a toothbrush?
A: They are useless without handle.
. When I was born I got the choice: a major dick or a fine memory. I am not
able to remember what I did choose.
. Thought for the day: In terms of sex satisfaction, woman is like a road
and a man is like a traveller. The traveller gets tired but the road never
ends!
. Man quits smoking because of will power.
He quits drinking because of will power.
But he quits womanizing because he has the will but no power.
. Q: What do you call Afghan virgin?
A: Never Bin LaDen
. Woman has man in it; Mrs. has Mir in it; Female has male in it; She has He
in it; Madam has Adam in it; No wonder men always want to be inside women!
. Q: Agar Madhubala ki jagah Mallika Sherawat hoti Mughal-e-Azam mein to
film ka naam kya hota?
A: Mughal-e-Orgasm!!!
. Kaho Santa ji suhaag raat kaisi rahi?
Kuch mat pooocho yaar! Pehle 5-6 baar to missed call lagi aur jab sahi
number laga to balance nil ho gya?
. A Greek n Italian were arguing over who is superior.
Greek: We gave sex to the world.
Italians: Yes you did, but we introduced it to women!
. Scientists in the US proved that people who do not perform well in bed and
who have difficulties to come hold their mobile in their right hand.
. Write an essay which contains factors religion, sex & mystery.
Winning essay: Oh my god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it!
. Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.
. Q: What's the difference between a person who is committing suicide and a
virgin?
A: One is trying to die and the other one is dying to try.
. What do u usually say after Sex?
I Luv U?
Wrong!
That was great?
Wrong again!
I Luv it?
Wrong again!
The Ans: Mera Kachha Kithe Hai!
. Ever wondered why A, B, C, D, E & F are used for bra sizes?
A: Almost boobs
B: Barely there
C: Can do
D: Damn good
E: Enormous
and F for Fake.
. Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.
. Doctor: You look terribly weak and exhausted! R u having your meals 3
times a day as I advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.
. Q: What's the similarity between a lady and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet and tight in the beginning but become tasteless and
shapeless later.
. An erection is like the Theory of Relativity - the more you think about
it, the harder it gets.
Lightest muscle is a man's PENIS. It can be raised by a woman's TONGUE!
Strongest muscle is a man's TONGUE! It can raise a woman's LEGS!
. Breaking News: Coke'll launch a new soft drink in the world market soon,
that"ll contain Viagra. They have named it MOUNT-N- DO!
. Taking a clue from recent budget, a call girl now charges extra for ANAL
entry. She calls it 'Turnover' tax.
. A survey by Cosmo states that women who sleep on their side are sensitive,
on stomach are competent and on their back with legs in the air are very
popular.
. Q: Why do pubic hair never grey and hair on head turn grey?
A: Because utte sochan hi sochan te thale moja hi moja.
. Mr Elahi had 3 sons named Rehmet-e-Elahi, Brkat-e-Elahi, n Mehbub-e-Elahi.
When his 4th son was born his wife decided to name him Bus-Kar-e-Eelahi
. A 95 yr old man sucks his 90 yr old wife's breast for half hour and drinks
two drops of milk and dies.
Postmortem report: Died because of drinking something after expiry date.
. Q: What did one ant say to the other while climbing up Prince Charles'
leg?
A: Meet you at the royal ball.
. Karamchand to his secretary: Today u hv not worn up panties, y? Sec: U r a
gr8 detective. How did u come 2 know this? KC: Today, I saw dandruff on your
shoes!
. Q: Why women wear bra & panty with flowers printed on them?
A: To pay tribute to men who got burrid at these 2 places.
. A bachelor gives an AD in a matrimonial.
"Wanted - Girl Age no bar, looks no bar, Money no bar, But SEX Baar-baar,
Hazaar bar...... Lagataar....!
. If the penis is hard & erect it needs good fuck,
if its erect but soft it needs good suck,
if its neither hard nor erect, it needs good luck!
. One day the penis tells the balls:
Tonight v r goin 4 a party!
The balls reply, U bloody fuckin liar, u always get inside while v r left
outside!
. Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot, bad girls make it hot by
loosening a few buttons!
. 3 Facts of Life
Garib aur Boobs hamesha dabte hai.
Musibat aur penis kabhi bhi khade ho jate hai.
Kismat aur Bra kabhi bhi khul sakti hai.
. Bhagwan ko gussa kab aata hai?
Jab kisi ladki ka rape hone ke badd uski ma bolti hai "HEY BHAGWAN YE TUNE
KYA KIYA.
. Viagra now available in eye drops, you don't get an erection but you look
hard!
. Can't believe after all the shit they have been through they're still
together.
Who? Your bum cheeks!!
. A girl who opens her hands receives gifts. Who opens her heart receives
love. Who opens her legs receives happenis
. Latest porn releases: Shaving Private Ryan, Position Impossible, As Big As
It Gets, Forest Hump, Riding Miss Daisy, Starwhores and Pornocchio.
Pappu meets Santa on stairs of a KOTHA.
Pappu: Papa aap yahan kya kar rahe ho?
Santa: Yaar ab 200-300 rupaye ke peeche teri mummy ke nakhre nahi sahe
jaate!
. The wife was crying in pain as Banta was tryin to fuck her in the ass.
Banta says: Zyada rone ki zaroorat nahin, mujhe pata hai kitna dard hota
hai.
. In interview, Santa was asked: Who's Monica Seles? A tennis player.
Ok, who's Monica Lewinski?
Penis player.
. Banta to his wife, Preeto: Dear, you are the best woman in the world.
Yesterday I got convinced of this once again.
. Santa: Main ghar jaate hi biwi ki panty utar dunga.
Banta: Yaar tu to bahut mood mein lag raha hai.
Santa: Nahi yaar mujhe bahut tight ho rahi hai.
. Santa: If I sleep with your best friend what will be the first thought to
cross your mind?
Wife: That you are a homosexual.
. Pappu: Papa, aap papa kaise bane?
Santa: Oye puttar, pa pa key!
. Pappu: What's the difference between Confidence and Confidential?
Santa: U are my son I'm Confident. Ur friend is also my son, that's
Confidential.
. Pappu: Dad what's the diff between luv, belief & relief.
Santa: Ur Mom is my luv, ur maid is my relief & I'm your Dad - well, that's
my belief.
. Three men discussing wives. 1st says my wife is very cold. 2nd says mine
is very hot.
Santa: I'm confused. I think shes is cold but people say she's hot.
. Santa: Murge kaise diye?
Vendor: Rs 50, Rs 40 n Rs 10
Santa: Rs 10, itna sasta kyon?
Sir ise AIDS hai.
Santa: De do mujhe khana hai ga#d thodi marni hai!
. A man phoned & asked: Hello, is it 221714?
Jeeto: Hindi me bolo.
Man:Do-Do-Ek-Sat Choda?
Jeeto: Nahi Sir, Teen-Teen-Ek-Sat Choda, 331714.
. Santa standing in balcony without shirt.
Banta, "Wah Santa ji kya chest hai.
Santa, "Eh tan kuch nahi andar ja ke apni bharjai di dekh.
. In a party, a lady wanted to go to toilet. She said to Santa: Susu karne
ki jagah dikhaao.
Santa: U naughty girl, pehle tum dikhaao.
. I'm oranising group sex at my home. Will u join?
Santa: Yes, yes. How many people r there?
Banta: Just three. Me, u n ur wife.
. Pappu sees his parents having sex.
Pappu: Papa, kya kar rahe ho?
Santa: Petrol bhar raha hoon.
Pappu: Avg check karaao, abhi to Banta uncle dal kar gaye hain.
. How does a vagina luk before sex?
Like a pink rose with soft petals & great aroma.
And after sex?
Have u ever seen Santa's face after he drinks lassi?
. A man is doing push ups on the beach, Santa sees him and starts laughing
loudly and says, "Sorry to tell you but the women below you has already
left."
. Doctor: U look terribly weak & exhausted! Are u having ur meals three
times a day as I advised?
Preeto: Doctor, I thought u said three males a day. 9
. During sex Jeeto asks repeatedlly: Do u luv me, do u really love me?
Irritated Santa: What the hell do u think, I am doing pushups?
. Santa: My 8yr old son is very naughty, he has made my maid servant
pregnant.
Confused Banta: How the hell?
Santa: He took a pin & punctured all my condoms.
. Jeeto: Kal chor aya aur mere sath sex karke chala gaya.
Santa: Tumne use roka nahi?
Jeeto: Bahut kaha rukne ke liye, bola kal phir aaunga.
. Banta: What four letter word starts with F and ends with K and if a man
can't get it he uses his hands?
Santa: Fork
. How does a vagina luk before sex?
Like a pink rose with soft petals and great aroma.
And after sex?
Have u ever seen Santa's face after he drinks lassi?
. Santa: Oye Banta don't marry that girl, she is like a TAXI. Banta: Choti
si to city hai yaar... kitni cali hogi?
. Santa touched Jeeto's boobs and sung: Piyo glass full doodh, wonderful
doodh.
Jeeto touched his penis and said: Thanda matlab CHOTA COKE!
. Jeeto was about to give birth to a baby.
Santa: If it looks like u, it would be great.
Jeeto: If it looks like u, it would be a miracle.
. Banta to a Doctor : I have diarrhoea & it wont go away.
Doctor: Did you try using a lemon?
Banta: Yes I did. When I remove it, it starts again.
. Banta: Did u hv a chance 2 sleep with my wife?
Santa: What r u saying? I'd never even think abt such thing.
Banta: U might want 2. She's much better then urs.
. Eni fariyad meri, menu yaad rakhi,
Mere naal beete pal abaad rakhi,
Jo v pyar karde ne tenu unhan vicho mera naam v yaad rakhin,
Bhaaven menu sab to baad rakhi.
. Ur my Funny, Understanding, Cute, Kind, Intelligent, Naughty, Great,
Sweet, Honest, Independent, Truthful friend in short u r my F.U.C.K.I.N.G
S.H.I.T. friend.
. There was once a genie who came & asked, "Name ur wish"
U asked, "Make me Gorgeous."
Genie replied, "I grant wishes not fucking miracles"
. Today it's cool to have small cars and small computers. Soon it will be
cool to have a small penis too then you my friend will be THE MAN!!
. A gud friend is like a gud bra... hard 2 find- comfortable- supportive-
prevents u from falling- holds u tight- and is always close 2 ur heart!
. Remeber: If u need a FUCK, u can always count on me bcoz FUCK stands for
FRIENDS U CAN KEEP. Fuck 4ever & promise me that we FUCK till eternity!
. Are mice giving you trouble?
No?
Than you must have a good pussy!
. I'm a bit shy...I'd like to have sex with you; you do not have to say yes,
just smile to me!
. Do you know that you would look great with two pounds less ... in my
opinion those clothes weigh exactly two pounds!
. Feeling bored? Think of me.
Feeling sad? Call me.
Feeling lonely? See me.
Feeling horny? Use ur hand & njoy the art of messaging.
. I hereby place u under arrest 4 violating code 069 distracting public with
ur xtreme good looks & sex appeal. Remain silent & report 2 my bedroom.
. I wish I was a teddy bear, that lay upon your bed, so everytime you
cuddled it, you cuddled me instead.
. God made butter, god made cheese; god made you for me to squeeze.
God made whiskey, god made Pepsi and when he made you he made you SEXY!
. U r so sexy u drive me insane, I luv u so much that my heart is in pain.
Ur sexy voice puts me in a slumber, oh damn I'm sorry I have the wrong
number.
. Kisses blown r kisses wasted. Kisses r not kisses unless they r tasted.
Kisses spread germs and germs r hated, but u can kiss me baby I'm
vaccinated.
A: They both fit around your dick and are present in your wallet.
. Q: Why does a woman have two pair of lips?
A: One is for fighting and one is to make up.
. Lady 2 Maid: Tu saare kaam mein bekaar hai!
Bai: Bister mein to aap se aachi hoon!
Lady: Tujhe sab ne bola kya?
Bai: Nahin, driver bol raha tha!
. A man kills a deer & cooks it but doesn't tell kids what it is.
He gives a clue: It's what mom calls me.
Boy cries out: Don't eat it. It's a fucking asshole.
. Suhagrat ke time darvaze pe dastak hoti hai toh dulhan bhag k parde ke
peeche chup jati hai.
Husband: Kya hua?
Dulhan: Mujhe laga police ki raid par gai.
. Son kills a butterfly.
Dad: No butter for 2 weeks.
Son kills a honeybee.
Dad: No honey for 2 weeks.
Mom kills a cockroach.
Son: Dad u tell her or should I?
. Man: Bless me God! My son is drug addict, my daughter is a call girl, my
wife is a gambler.
God: Is anything +ve in ur family?
Man: I'm HIV positive.
. Unborn twins in the mother's stomach saw a penis.
1st Baby: Dekh Papa aa rahe hai.
2nd: Abe stupid, ye pados wale uncle hai, papa kabhi raincoat nahi pehante.
. Rosemary divorced Mr.Lele b'coz she was sick of telling her name,"Roz Meri
Lele."
Imagine her tough luck, she was re-married to Mr. Marlow
. Husband: Jee karta hai ki tumhari zulfon mein kho jaaon, tumhare aankhon
mein bas jaaon, tumhari bahon mein jhool jaon.
Wife: Neeche kya mohalle wale ghusengey?
. Description of prostitute, wife & girlfriend in mobile language?
First one is prepaid, second is postpaid and the last one is democard.
. Man 2 wife on wedding night: R u sure that I'm the 1st man you have slept
with?
Wife: Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others.
. Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
. Playboy has started a special edition 4 married men. The same woman is
featured every month.
. A doc advising his patient who had a heart attack: No smoking, no drinking
& hv sex only with ur wife because it is important that you avoid
excitement.
. Ek bahu saari raat paraaye mard ke saath sokar aayi lekin uski saas ne
kuch nahin kaha, why?
Kyonki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi!!
. What's the difference between stress, tension & panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant, tension is when g/f is pregnant & panic is
when both r pregnant.
. 'Great, just what I need,' she moaned as he brought home a new microwave
oven.
'One more thing that heats up instantly & goes off in 20 seconds.'
. It has been determined that the most often sexual position for married
couples is the doggie position!
The hubby sits up and begs while the wife rolls over and plays dead!
. Wife n Mobile:
Dono hi dusro ke achche lagte hai.
Dono hi naye achche lagte hai.
Dono ko hi raat bhar charge karna padta hai.
Ansoon ko ankhon ki dehleez par laya na karo,
Apne dil ki halat kisi ko bataya na karo,
Log muthi bhar namak liye ghumtey hain,
Apne zakhm kisi ko dikhaya na karo.
. Ansoo tere nikale to aankhein meri ho,
Dil tera dhadke to dhadkan meri ho,
Khuda kare ki apni dosti itni gehari ho,
Baap tu bane to Mehanat meri ho!
. Kya aap SEX karte hai,
Kya aap CONDOM use karte hain,
Kya aap AIDS se darte hai,
To aap HATH se Q nahi karte hai,
HATH chale to AIDS tale.
. Door gaon mein ek basti thi,
Wahan ki ladkiyan bahut sasti thi,
Unki ga#d mein itni masti thi,
Jitna dalo utna hasti thi.,
But why r u smiling?
. Mangta hoon to deti nahin ho: JAWAB MERI BAAT KA
Deti ho to khada ho jata hai: ROM-ROM JAZBAAT KA
Kyon bolti ho ke dheere se daalo: BALON MAIN PHOOL GULAB KA.
. Arz kiya hai:
I am a dog and u r a flower,
gaur farmaiega I am a dog and u r a flower,
so let me lift my leg n give u a shower!
. Paro aur chandramuki ka noor app pe barse, har koi aapke sath sone ko
tarse,
aapke jeevan me aaye itni ladkiyan,
ki app CHADDI pahen ne ko tarse.
Q: Why does a stupid blond girl never swim on her belly?
A: When she feels something wet she turn on her back.
. Q: Why are men like a toothbrush?
A: They are useless without handle.
. When I was born I got the choice: a major dick or a fine memory. I am not
able to remember what I did choose.
. Thought for the day: In terms of sex satisfaction, woman is like a road
and a man is like a traveller. The traveller gets tired but the road never
ends!
. Man quits smoking because of will power.
He quits drinking because of will power.
But he quits womanizing because he has the will but no power.
. Q: What do you call Afghan virgin?
A: Never Bin LaDen
. Woman has man in it; Mrs. has Mir in it; Female has male in it; She has He
in it; Madam has Adam in it; No wonder men always want to be inside women!
. Q: Agar Madhubala ki jagah Mallika Sherawat hoti Mughal-e-Azam mein to
film ka naam kya hota?
A: Mughal-e-Orgasm!!!
. Kaho Santa ji suhaag raat kaisi rahi?
Kuch mat pooocho yaar! Pehle 5-6 baar to missed call lagi aur jab sahi
number laga to balance nil ho gya?
. A Greek n Italian were arguing over who is superior.
Greek: We gave sex to the world.
Italians: Yes you did, but we introduced it to women!
. Scientists in the US proved that people who do not perform well in bed and
who have difficulties to come hold their mobile in their right hand.
. Write an essay which contains factors religion, sex & mystery.
Winning essay: Oh my god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it!
. Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.
. Q: What's the difference between a person who is committing suicide and a
virgin?
A: One is trying to die and the other one is dying to try.
. What do u usually say after Sex?
I Luv U?
Wrong!
That was great?
Wrong again!
I Luv it?
Wrong again!
The Ans: Mera Kachha Kithe Hai!
. Ever wondered why A, B, C, D, E & F are used for bra sizes?
A: Almost boobs
B: Barely there
C: Can do
D: Damn good
E: Enormous
and F for Fake.
. Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.
. Doctor: You look terribly weak and exhausted! R u having your meals 3
times a day as I advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.
. Q: What's the similarity between a lady and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet and tight in the beginning but become tasteless and
shapeless later.
. An erection is like the Theory of Relativity - the more you think about
it, the harder it gets.
Lightest muscle is a man's PENIS. It can be raised by a woman's TONGUE!
Strongest muscle is a man's TONGUE! It can raise a woman's LEGS!
. Breaking News: Coke'll launch a new soft drink in the world market soon,
that"ll contain Viagra. They have named it MOUNT-N- DO!
. Taking a clue from recent budget, a call girl now charges extra for ANAL
entry. She calls it 'Turnover' tax.
. A survey by Cosmo states that women who sleep on their side are sensitive,
on stomach are competent and on their back with legs in the air are very
popular.
. Q: Why do pubic hair never grey and hair on head turn grey?
A: Because utte sochan hi sochan te thale moja hi moja.
. Mr Elahi had 3 sons named Rehmet-e-Elahi, Brkat-e-Elahi, n Mehbub-e-Elahi.
When his 4th son was born his wife decided to name him Bus-Kar-e-Eelahi
. A 95 yr old man sucks his 90 yr old wife's breast for half hour and drinks
two drops of milk and dies.
Postmortem report: Died because of drinking something after expiry date.
. Q: What did one ant say to the other while climbing up Prince Charles'
leg?
A: Meet you at the royal ball.
. Karamchand to his secretary: Today u hv not worn up panties, y? Sec: U r a
gr8 detective. How did u come 2 know this? KC: Today, I saw dandruff on your
shoes!
. Q: Why women wear bra & panty with flowers printed on them?
A: To pay tribute to men who got burrid at these 2 places.
. A bachelor gives an AD in a matrimonial.
"Wanted - Girl Age no bar, looks no bar, Money no bar, But SEX Baar-baar,
Hazaar bar...... Lagataar....!
. If the penis is hard & erect it needs good fuck,
if its erect but soft it needs good suck,
if its neither hard nor erect, it needs good luck!
. One day the penis tells the balls:
Tonight v r goin 4 a party!
The balls reply, U bloody fuckin liar, u always get inside while v r left
outside!
. Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot, bad girls make it hot by
loosening a few buttons!
. 3 Facts of Life
Garib aur Boobs hamesha dabte hai.
Musibat aur penis kabhi bhi khade ho jate hai.
Kismat aur Bra kabhi bhi khul sakti hai.
. Bhagwan ko gussa kab aata hai?
Jab kisi ladki ka rape hone ke badd uski ma bolti hai "HEY BHAGWAN YE TUNE
KYA KIYA.
. Viagra now available in eye drops, you don't get an erection but you look
hard!
. Can't believe after all the shit they have been through they're still
together.
Who? Your bum cheeks!!
. A girl who opens her hands receives gifts. Who opens her heart receives
love. Who opens her legs receives happenis
. Latest porn releases: Shaving Private Ryan, Position Impossible, As Big As
It Gets, Forest Hump, Riding Miss Daisy, Starwhores and Pornocchio.
Pappu meets Santa on stairs of a KOTHA.
Pappu: Papa aap yahan kya kar rahe ho?
Santa: Yaar ab 200-300 rupaye ke peeche teri mummy ke nakhre nahi sahe
jaate!
. The wife was crying in pain as Banta was tryin to fuck her in the ass.
Banta says: Zyada rone ki zaroorat nahin, mujhe pata hai kitna dard hota
hai.
. In interview, Santa was asked: Who's Monica Seles? A tennis player.
Ok, who's Monica Lewinski?
Penis player.
. Banta to his wife, Preeto: Dear, you are the best woman in the world.
Yesterday I got convinced of this once again.
. Santa: Main ghar jaate hi biwi ki panty utar dunga.
Banta: Yaar tu to bahut mood mein lag raha hai.
Santa: Nahi yaar mujhe bahut tight ho rahi hai.
. Santa: If I sleep with your best friend what will be the first thought to
cross your mind?
Wife: That you are a homosexual.
. Pappu: Papa, aap papa kaise bane?
Santa: Oye puttar, pa pa key!
. Pappu: What's the difference between Confidence and Confidential?
Santa: U are my son I'm Confident. Ur friend is also my son, that's
Confidential.
. Pappu: Dad what's the diff between luv, belief & relief.
Santa: Ur Mom is my luv, ur maid is my relief & I'm your Dad - well, that's
my belief.
. Three men discussing wives. 1st says my wife is very cold. 2nd says mine
is very hot.
Santa: I'm confused. I think shes is cold but people say she's hot.
. Santa: Murge kaise diye?
Vendor: Rs 50, Rs 40 n Rs 10
Santa: Rs 10, itna sasta kyon?
Sir ise AIDS hai.
Santa: De do mujhe khana hai ga#d thodi marni hai!
. A man phoned & asked: Hello, is it 221714?
Jeeto: Hindi me bolo.
Man:Do-Do-Ek-Sat Choda?
Jeeto: Nahi Sir, Teen-Teen-Ek-Sat Choda, 331714.
. Santa standing in balcony without shirt.
Banta, "Wah Santa ji kya chest hai.
Santa, "Eh tan kuch nahi andar ja ke apni bharjai di dekh.
. In a party, a lady wanted to go to toilet. She said to Santa: Susu karne
ki jagah dikhaao.
Santa: U naughty girl, pehle tum dikhaao.
. I'm oranising group sex at my home. Will u join?
Santa: Yes, yes. How many people r there?
Banta: Just three. Me, u n ur wife.
. Pappu sees his parents having sex.
Pappu: Papa, kya kar rahe ho?
Santa: Petrol bhar raha hoon.
Pappu: Avg check karaao, abhi to Banta uncle dal kar gaye hain.
. How does a vagina luk before sex?
Like a pink rose with soft petals & great aroma.
And after sex?
Have u ever seen Santa's face after he drinks lassi?
. A man is doing push ups on the beach, Santa sees him and starts laughing
loudly and says, "Sorry to tell you but the women below you has already
left."
. Doctor: U look terribly weak & exhausted! Are u having ur meals three
times a day as I advised?
Preeto: Doctor, I thought u said three males a day. 9
. During sex Jeeto asks repeatedlly: Do u luv me, do u really love me?
Irritated Santa: What the hell do u think, I am doing pushups?
. Santa: My 8yr old son is very naughty, he has made my maid servant
pregnant.
Confused Banta: How the hell?
Santa: He took a pin & punctured all my condoms.
. Jeeto: Kal chor aya aur mere sath sex karke chala gaya.
Santa: Tumne use roka nahi?
Jeeto: Bahut kaha rukne ke liye, bola kal phir aaunga.
. Banta: What four letter word starts with F and ends with K and if a man
can't get it he uses his hands?
Santa: Fork
. How does a vagina luk before sex?
Like a pink rose with soft petals and great aroma.
And after sex?
Have u ever seen Santa's face after he drinks lassi?
. Santa: Oye Banta don't marry that girl, she is like a TAXI. Banta: Choti
si to city hai yaar... kitni cali hogi?
. Santa touched Jeeto's boobs and sung: Piyo glass full doodh, wonderful
doodh.
Jeeto touched his penis and said: Thanda matlab CHOTA COKE!
. Jeeto was about to give birth to a baby.
Santa: If it looks like u, it would be great.
Jeeto: If it looks like u, it would be a miracle.
. Banta to a Doctor : I have diarrhoea & it wont go away.
Doctor: Did you try using a lemon?
Banta: Yes I did. When I remove it, it starts again.
. Banta: Did u hv a chance 2 sleep with my wife?
Santa: What r u saying? I'd never even think abt such thing.
Banta: U might want 2. She's much better then urs.
. Eni fariyad meri, menu yaad rakhi,
Mere naal beete pal abaad rakhi,
Jo v pyar karde ne tenu unhan vicho mera naam v yaad rakhin,
Bhaaven menu sab to baad rakhi.
. Ur my Funny, Understanding, Cute, Kind, Intelligent, Naughty, Great,
Sweet, Honest, Independent, Truthful friend in short u r my F.U.C.K.I.N.G
S.H.I.T. friend.
. There was once a genie who came & asked, "Name ur wish"
U asked, "Make me Gorgeous."
Genie replied, "I grant wishes not fucking miracles"
. Today it's cool to have small cars and small computers. Soon it will be
cool to have a small penis too then you my friend will be THE MAN!!
. A gud friend is like a gud bra... hard 2 find- comfortable- supportive-
prevents u from falling- holds u tight- and is always close 2 ur heart!
. Remeber: If u need a FUCK, u can always count on me bcoz FUCK stands for
FRIENDS U CAN KEEP. Fuck 4ever & promise me that we FUCK till eternity!
. Are mice giving you trouble?
No?
Than you must have a good pussy!
. I'm a bit shy...I'd like to have sex with you; you do not have to say yes,
just smile to me!
. Do you know that you would look great with two pounds less ... in my
opinion those clothes weigh exactly two pounds!
. Feeling bored? Think of me.
Feeling sad? Call me.
Feeling lonely? See me.
Feeling horny? Use ur hand & njoy the art of messaging.
. I hereby place u under arrest 4 violating code 069 distracting public with
ur xtreme good looks & sex appeal. Remain silent & report 2 my bedroom.
. I wish I was a teddy bear, that lay upon your bed, so everytime you
cuddled it, you cuddled me instead.
. God made butter, god made cheese; god made you for me to squeeze.
God made whiskey, god made Pepsi and when he made you he made you SEXY!
. U r so sexy u drive me insane, I luv u so much that my heart is in pain.
Ur sexy voice puts me in a slumber, oh damn I'm sorry I have the wrong
number.
. Kisses blown r kisses wasted. Kisses r not kisses unless they r tasted.
Kisses spread germs and germs r hated, but u can kiss me baby I'm
vaccinated.
The audience
A famous speaker who came with his wife addressed the audience.
"The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"
The audience started staring at his wire in silence and puzzle.
Then speaker added with affection, "And that woman was my mother!"
Audience was touched and the speaker achieved what he came to do, l
The corporate big executive totally dependent on subordinates,
tried to crack this joke at a party in his home. He was tipsy with drinks.
He cut the story he heard announced loudly to the guest, "The greatest
years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
The wife went crazy and about to crack the big glass dish on husband's head.
The husband kept scratching his head, looked at his wife and then
announced, "Damn, after the drinks I don't remember who she was."
He could never paste the story back to his wife convincingly enough.
"The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"
The audience started staring at his wire in silence and puzzle.
Then speaker added with affection, "And that woman was my mother!"
Audience was touched and the speaker achieved what he came to do, l
The corporate big executive totally dependent on subordinates,
tried to crack this joke at a party in his home. He was tipsy with drinks.
He cut the story he heard announced loudly to the guest, "The greatest
years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
The wife went crazy and about to crack the big glass dish on husband's head.
The husband kept scratching his head, looked at his wife and then
announced, "Damn, after the drinks I don't remember who she was."
He could never paste the story back to his wife convincingly enough.
communicatation
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes, "Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times."
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn 't want to have sex, pull on his penis
two hundred and fifty times.
What about babies?
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind.
'That's a serious step,' he said. 'Have you thought it out completely?'
'Yes,' his young son answered. 'We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.'
'How about transportation? ' the father asked.
'I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,' the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, 'What about babies? When you're
married, you're liable to have babies, you know.'
'We've thought about that, too,' the little boy replied. 'We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!'
'That's a serious step,' he said. 'Have you thought it out completely?'
'Yes,' his young son answered. 'We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.'
'How about transportation? ' the father asked.
'I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,' the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, 'What about babies? When you're
married, you're liable to have babies, you know.'
'We've thought about that, too,' the little boy replied. 'We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!'
wife was cheating
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave
that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out
she was working in a whorehouse.
The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?"
The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse
and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So
the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie
is dragging this women out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all
the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl
inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".
that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out
she was working in a whorehouse.
The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?"
The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse
and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So
the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie
is dragging this women out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all
the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl
inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".
how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal
car accident.
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St.
Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder:
Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let
me go find out." and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are
still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to
get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it
doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat
bedraggled.
"Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
'
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't
work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest
up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"
car accident.
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St.
Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder:
Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let
me go find out." and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are
still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to
get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it
doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat
bedraggled.
"Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
'
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't
work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest
up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"
My son is my pride
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained, talked about their kids.
The first guy said, " My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the
corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.. "
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday. "
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion. "
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons.... What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment. "
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either.
His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion,a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his 3 boyfriends !!! "*
Moral of the Story - always be proud of Your Product !!
The first guy said, " My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the
corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.. "
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday. "
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion. "
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons.... What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment. "
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either.
His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion,a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his 3 boyfriends !!! "*
Moral of the Story - always be proud of Your Product !!
Murderer in court
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with
beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard."
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law
to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard."
The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom,
"Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But
no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that
a problem?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen
years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to
borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard."
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law
to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard."
The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom,
"Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But
no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that
a problem?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen
years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to
borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
man's will
A lawyer was reading a wealthy man's will to the people mentioned in it.
"To my wife Claire, who stood by me through the rough times as well as the good, I leave you the house, the cars and $5 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Sarah, who took care of me during my illness and kept my company going, I leave you the yacht, the business and $2 million."
The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Phil, who always hated me, argued with me, was envious of me, and thought I would never mention him in my will ... well, you're wrong. 'Hi, Phil!'"
"To my wife Claire, who stood by me through the rough times as well as the good, I leave you the house, the cars and $5 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Sarah, who took care of me during my illness and kept my company going, I leave you the yacht, the business and $2 million."
The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Phil, who always hated me, argued with me, was envious of me, and thought I would never mention him in my will ... well, you're wrong. 'Hi, Phil!'"
SHIT
It was opening night at the Orpheum theatre and the Amazing hypnotist was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff. As the Amazing hypnotist took to the stage, she announced, ''Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'' The excitement was almost electric as the hypnotist withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat. ''I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. ''
She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, ''Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... ''.
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
''Shit'' said the hypnotist. It took three weeks to clean up the theatre. ...
She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, ''Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... ''.
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
''Shit'' said the hypnotist. It took three weeks to clean up the theatre. ...
TENSION
TENSION
Ladki ne aapse lift mangi,
Raste mein uski tabiat kaharab ho gai.
Aapko TENSION !!
Aap hospital le gaye,
Doctor bola – aap baap banne wale ho
Aapko TENSION !!
Aap bole – Mai iska baap nahi !
Phir ladki se pucha
Ladki boli – yehi baap hai.
Aapko aur TENSION.
Phir police ayi
Aapka medical check up hua.
Report aayi.
Aap to kabhi baap hi nahi ban sakte.
Aapko aur TENSION !!
Aap ne khuda ka shukar ada kiya aur aap Khushi Khushi ghar gaye !
Aur phir socha Ki ghar pe jo bachchay hai
Wo kiske hai…????????
Aapko Phir TENSION !!!!!!
Ladki ne aapse lift mangi,
Raste mein uski tabiat kaharab ho gai.
Aapko TENSION !!
Aap hospital le gaye,
Doctor bola – aap baap banne wale ho
Aapko TENSION !!
Aap bole – Mai iska baap nahi !
Phir ladki se pucha
Ladki boli – yehi baap hai.
Aapko aur TENSION.
Phir police ayi
Aapka medical check up hua.
Report aayi.
Aap to kabhi baap hi nahi ban sakte.
Aapko aur TENSION !!
Aap ne khuda ka shukar ada kiya aur aap Khushi Khushi ghar gaye !
Aur phir socha Ki ghar pe jo bachchay hai
Wo kiske hai…????????
Aapko Phir TENSION !!!!!!
hindi adults jokes new
Beta: Papa, paise do
Papa: Nahi doonga
Beta: Toh maadarchot paida kyun kiya?
Papa: Lowde, teri maaki chut abhi band nahi hui hai... WAAPAS CHALA
JAA...
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
Bhoot ko chudel se pyar ho gaya
, bola chalna dono CHODTE hain. Chudel:
Chalo..
Bhoot: Lekin kahan? Chudel: Bhosadike, Lodde, kahin bhi chod le na, hame
kaun dekhnewala hai!!
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
Kaho sardarji suhaagraat kaisi rahi?
Kuch mat pooch yaar! Pehle 8 bar to Missed Call aur Wrong number lage
aur
jab sahi number laga to balance NIL thi.
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
Sardar: Mere jitna bada CONDOM milega?
Vepari: tum itne bade CONDOM ka kya karoge?
Sardar:Fancy dress me main LUND
bana hoon!
Papa: Nahi doonga
Beta: Toh maadarchot paida kyun kiya?
Papa: Lowde, teri maaki chut abhi band nahi hui hai... WAAPAS CHALA
JAA...
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
Bhoot ko chudel se pyar ho gaya
, bola chalna dono CHODTE hain. Chudel:
Chalo..
Bhoot: Lekin kahan? Chudel: Bhosadike, Lodde, kahin bhi chod le na, hame
kaun dekhnewala hai!!
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
Kaho sardarji suhaagraat kaisi rahi?
Kuch mat pooch yaar! Pehle 8 bar to Missed Call aur Wrong number lage
aur
jab sahi number laga to balance NIL thi.
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
Sardar: Mere jitna bada CONDOM milega?
Vepari: tum itne bade CONDOM ka kya karoge?
Sardar:Fancy dress me main LUND
bana hoon!
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Learning ABCD from Doctor
A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!" The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered. The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.
"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the `B'."
"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the `B'."
Monday, June 8, 2009
Kids View of Marriage and Relationships
Kids View of Marriage and Relationships HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10
*******
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Twentythree is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6 *******
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.." Eddie, 6
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8
*******
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8
*******
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8.
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10
*******
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9
*******
WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich." Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8
*******
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, 9
"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaperchanging." Kirsten, age 10
*******
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8
"You can be sure of one thing the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now." Roberta, age 7
*******
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10
******* SPAN> ************ *
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10
*******
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Twentythree is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6 *******
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.." Eddie, 6
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8
*******
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8
*******
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8.
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10
*******
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9
*******
WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich." Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8
*******
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, 9
"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaperchanging." Kirsten, age 10
*******
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8
"You can be sure of one thing the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now." Roberta, age 7
*******
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10
******* SPAN> ************ *
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