Thursday, June 11, 2009

Only for adults

Q: What is the resemblance between a woman and a condom?
A: They both fit around your dick and are present in your wallet.

. Q: Why does a woman have two pair of lips?
A: One is for fighting and one is to make up.

. Lady 2 Maid: Tu saare kaam mein bekaar hai!
Bai: Bister mein to aap se aachi hoon!
Lady: Tujhe sab ne bola kya?
Bai: Nahin, driver bol raha tha!

. A man kills a deer & cooks it but doesn't tell kids what it is.
He gives a clue: It's what mom calls me.
Boy cries out: Don't eat it. It's a fucking asshole.

. Suhagrat ke time darvaze pe dastak hoti hai toh dulhan bhag k parde ke
peeche chup jati hai.
Husband: Kya hua?
Dulhan: Mujhe laga police ki raid par gai.

. Son kills a butterfly.
Dad: No butter for 2 weeks.
Son kills a honeybee.
Dad: No honey for 2 weeks.
Mom kills a cockroach.
Son: Dad u tell her or should I?

. Man: Bless me God! My son is drug addict, my daughter is a call girl, my
wife is a gambler.
God: Is anything +ve in ur family?
Man: I'm HIV positive.

. Unborn twins in the mother's stomach saw a penis.
1st Baby: Dekh Papa aa rahe hai.
2nd: Abe stupid, ye pados wale uncle hai, papa kabhi raincoat nahi pehante.

. Rosemary divorced Mr.Lele b'coz she was sick of telling her name,"Roz Meri
Lele."
Imagine her tough luck, she was re-married to Mr. Marlow

. Husband: Jee karta hai ki tumhari zulfon mein kho jaaon, tumhare aankhon
mein bas jaaon, tumhari bahon mein jhool jaon.
Wife: Neeche kya mohalle wale ghusengey?
. Description of prostitute, wife & girlfriend in mobile language?
First one is prepaid, second is postpaid and the last one is democard.

. Man 2 wife on wedding night: R u sure that I'm the 1st man you have slept
with?
Wife: Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others.

. Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

. Playboy has started a special edition 4 married men. The same woman is
featured every month.

. A doc advising his patient who had a heart attack: No smoking, no drinking
& hv sex only with ur wife because it is important that you avoid
excitement.

. Ek bahu saari raat paraaye mard ke saath sokar aayi lekin uski saas ne
kuch nahin kaha, why?
Kyonki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi!!

. What's the difference between stress, tension & panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant, tension is when g/f is pregnant & panic is
when both r pregnant.

. 'Great, just what I need,' she moaned as he brought home a new microwave
oven.
'One more thing that heats up instantly & goes off in 20 seconds.'

. It has been determined that the most often sexual position for married
couples is the doggie position!
The hubby sits up and begs while the wife rolls over and plays dead!

. Wife n Mobile:
Dono hi dusro ke achche lagte hai.
Dono hi naye achche lagte hai.
Dono ko hi raat bhar charge karna padta hai.

Ansoon ko ankhon ki dehleez par laya na karo,
Apne dil ki halat kisi ko bataya na karo,
Log muthi bhar namak liye ghumtey hain,
Apne zakhm kisi ko dikhaya na karo.

. Ansoo tere nikale to aankhein meri ho,
Dil tera dhadke to dhadkan meri ho,
Khuda kare ki apni dosti itni gehari ho,
Baap tu bane to Mehanat meri ho!

. Kya aap SEX karte hai,
Kya aap CONDOM use karte hain,
Kya aap AIDS se darte hai,
To aap HATH se Q nahi karte hai,
HATH chale to AIDS tale.

. Door gaon mein ek basti thi,
Wahan ki ladkiyan bahut sasti thi,
Unki ga#d mein itni masti thi,
Jitna dalo utna hasti thi.,
But why r u smiling?

. Mangta hoon to deti nahin ho: JAWAB MERI BAAT KA
Deti ho to khada ho jata hai: ROM-ROM JAZBAAT KA
Kyon bolti ho ke dheere se daalo: BALON MAIN PHOOL GULAB KA.

. Arz kiya hai:
I am a dog and u r a flower,
gaur farmaiega I am a dog and u r a flower,
so let me lift my leg n give u a shower!

. Paro aur chandramuki ka noor app pe barse, har koi aapke sath sone ko
tarse,
aapke jeevan me aaye itni ladkiyan,
ki app CHADDI pahen ne ko tarse.

Q: Why does a stupid blond girl never swim on her belly?
A: When she feels something wet she turn on her back.

. Q: Why are men like a toothbrush?
A: They are useless without handle.

. When I was born I got the choice: a major dick or a fine memory. I am not
able to remember what I did choose.

. Thought for the day: In terms of sex satisfaction, woman is like a road
and a man is like a traveller. The traveller gets tired but the road never
ends!

. Man quits smoking because of will power.
He quits drinking because of will power.
But he quits womanizing because he has the will but no power.

. Q: What do you call Afghan virgin?
A: Never Bin LaDen

. Woman has man in it; Mrs. has Mir in it; Female has male in it; She has He
in it; Madam has Adam in it; No wonder men always want to be inside women!

. Q: Agar Madhubala ki jagah Mallika Sherawat hoti Mughal-e-Azam mein to
film ka naam kya hota?
A: Mughal-e-Orgasm!!!

. Kaho Santa ji suhaag raat kaisi rahi?
Kuch mat pooocho yaar! Pehle 5-6 baar to missed call lagi aur jab sahi
number laga to balance nil ho gya?

. A Greek n Italian were arguing over who is superior.
Greek: We gave sex to the world.
Italians: Yes you did, but we introduced it to women!

. Scientists in the US proved that people who do not perform well in bed and
who have difficulties to come hold their mobile in their right hand.

. Write an essay which contains factors religion, sex & mystery.
Winning essay: Oh my god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it!

. Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.

. Q: What's the difference between a person who is committing suicide and a
virgin?
A: One is trying to die and the other one is dying to try.

. What do u usually say after Sex?
I Luv U?
Wrong!
That was great?
Wrong again!
I Luv it?
Wrong again!
The Ans: Mera Kachha Kithe Hai!

. Ever wondered why A, B, C, D, E & F are used for bra sizes?
A: Almost boobs
B: Barely there
C: Can do
D: Damn good
E: Enormous
and F for Fake.

. Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.

. Doctor: You look terribly weak and exhausted! R u having your meals 3
times a day as I advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.

. Q: What's the similarity between a lady and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet and tight in the beginning but become tasteless and
shapeless later.

. An erection is like the Theory of Relativity - the more you think about
it, the harder it gets.
Lightest muscle is a man's PENIS. It can be raised by a woman's TONGUE!
Strongest muscle is a man's TONGUE! It can raise a woman's LEGS!

. Breaking News: Coke'll launch a new soft drink in the world market soon,
that"ll contain Viagra. They have named it MOUNT-N- DO!

. Taking a clue from recent budget, a call girl now charges extra for ANAL
entry. She calls it 'Turnover' tax.

. A survey by Cosmo states that women who sleep on their side are sensitive,
on stomach are competent and on their back with legs in the air are very
popular.

. Q: Why do pubic hair never grey and hair on head turn grey?
A: Because utte sochan hi sochan te thale moja hi moja.

. Mr Elahi had 3 sons named Rehmet-e-Elahi, Brkat-e-Elahi, n Mehbub-e-Elahi.
When his 4th son was born his wife decided to name him Bus-Kar-e-Eelahi

. A 95 yr old man sucks his 90 yr old wife's breast for half hour and drinks
two drops of milk and dies.
Postmortem report: Died because of drinking something after expiry date.

. Q: What did one ant say to the other while climbing up Prince Charles'
leg?
A: Meet you at the royal ball.

. Karamchand to his secretary: Today u hv not worn up panties, y? Sec: U r a
gr8 detective. How did u come 2 know this? KC: Today, I saw dandruff on your
shoes!

. Q: Why women wear bra & panty with flowers printed on them?
A: To pay tribute to men who got burrid at these 2 places.
. A bachelor gives an AD in a matrimonial.
"Wanted - Girl Age no bar, looks no bar, Money no bar, But SEX Baar-baar,
Hazaar bar...... Lagataar....!

. If the penis is hard & erect it needs good fuck,
if its erect but soft it needs good suck,
if its neither hard nor erect, it needs good luck!

. One day the penis tells the balls:
Tonight v r goin 4 a party!
The balls reply, U bloody fuckin liar, u always get inside while v r left
outside!

. Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot, bad girls make it hot by
loosening a few buttons!

. 3 Facts of Life
Garib aur Boobs hamesha dabte hai.
Musibat aur penis kabhi bhi khade ho jate hai.
Kismat aur Bra kabhi bhi khul sakti hai.

. Bhagwan ko gussa kab aata hai?
Jab kisi ladki ka rape hone ke badd uski ma bolti hai "HEY BHAGWAN YE TUNE
KYA KIYA.

. Viagra now available in eye drops, you don't get an erection but you look
hard!

. Can't believe after all the shit they have been through they're still
together.
Who? Your bum cheeks!!

. A girl who opens her hands receives gifts. Who opens her heart receives
love. Who opens her legs receives happenis

. Latest porn releases: Shaving Private Ryan, Position Impossible, As Big As
It Gets, Forest Hump, Riding Miss Daisy, Starwhores and Pornocchio.

Pappu meets Santa on stairs of a KOTHA.
Pappu: Papa aap yahan kya kar rahe ho?
Santa: Yaar ab 200-300 rupaye ke peeche teri mummy ke nakhre nahi sahe
jaate!

. The wife was crying in pain as Banta was tryin to fuck her in the ass.
Banta says: Zyada rone ki zaroorat nahin, mujhe pata hai kitna dard hota
hai.

. In interview, Santa was asked: Who's Monica Seles? A tennis player.
Ok, who's Monica Lewinski?
Penis player.

. Banta to his wife, Preeto: Dear, you are the best woman in the world.
Yesterday I got convinced of this once again.

. Santa: Main ghar jaate hi biwi ki panty utar dunga.
Banta: Yaar tu to bahut mood mein lag raha hai.
Santa: Nahi yaar mujhe bahut tight ho rahi hai.

. Santa: If I sleep with your best friend what will be the first thought to
cross your mind?
Wife: That you are a homosexual.

. Pappu: Papa, aap papa kaise bane?
Santa: Oye puttar, pa pa key!

. Pappu: What's the difference between Confidence and Confidential?
Santa: U are my son I'm Confident. Ur friend is also my son, that's
Confidential.

. Pappu: Dad what's the diff between luv, belief & relief.
Santa: Ur Mom is my luv, ur maid is my relief & I'm your Dad - well, that's
my belief.

. Three men discussing wives. 1st says my wife is very cold. 2nd says mine
is very hot.
Santa: I'm confused. I think shes is cold but people say she's hot.
. Santa: Murge kaise diye?
Vendor: Rs 50, Rs 40 n Rs 10
Santa: Rs 10, itna sasta kyon?
Sir ise AIDS hai.
Santa: De do mujhe khana hai ga#d thodi marni hai!

. A man phoned & asked: Hello, is it 221714?
Jeeto: Hindi me bolo.
Man:Do-Do-Ek-Sat Choda?
Jeeto: Nahi Sir, Teen-Teen-Ek-Sat Choda, 331714.

. Santa standing in balcony without shirt.
Banta, "Wah Santa ji kya chest hai.
Santa, "Eh tan kuch nahi andar ja ke apni bharjai di dekh.

. In a party, a lady wanted to go to toilet. She said to Santa: Susu karne
ki jagah dikhaao.
Santa: U naughty girl, pehle tum dikhaao.

. I'm oranising group sex at my home. Will u join?
Santa: Yes, yes. How many people r there?
Banta: Just three. Me, u n ur wife.

. Pappu sees his parents having sex.
Pappu: Papa, kya kar rahe ho?
Santa: Petrol bhar raha hoon.
Pappu: Avg check karaao, abhi to Banta uncle dal kar gaye hain.

. How does a vagina luk before sex?
Like a pink rose with soft petals & great aroma.
And after sex?
Have u ever seen Santa's face after he drinks lassi?

. A man is doing push ups on the beach, Santa sees him and starts laughing
loudly and says, "Sorry to tell you but the women below you has already
left."

. Doctor: U look terribly weak & exhausted! Are u having ur meals three
times a day as I advised?
Preeto: Doctor, I thought u said three males a day. 9

. During sex Jeeto asks repeatedlly: Do u luv me, do u really love me?
Irritated Santa: What the hell do u think, I am doing pushups?

. Santa: My 8yr old son is very naughty, he has made my maid servant
pregnant.
Confused Banta: How the hell?
Santa: He took a pin & punctured all my condoms.

. Jeeto: Kal chor aya aur mere sath sex karke chala gaya.
Santa: Tumne use roka nahi?
Jeeto: Bahut kaha rukne ke liye, bola kal phir aaunga.

. Banta: What four letter word starts with F and ends with K and if a man
can't get it he uses his hands?
Santa: Fork

. How does a vagina luk before sex?
Like a pink rose with soft petals and great aroma.
And after sex?
Have u ever seen Santa's face after he drinks lassi?

. Santa: Oye Banta don't marry that girl, she is like a TAXI. Banta: Choti
si to city hai yaar... kitni cali hogi?

. Santa touched Jeeto's boobs and sung: Piyo glass full doodh, wonderful
doodh.
Jeeto touched his penis and said: Thanda matlab CHOTA COKE!

. Jeeto was about to give birth to a baby.
Santa: If it looks like u, it would be great.
Jeeto: If it looks like u, it would be a miracle.

. Banta to a Doctor : I have diarrhoea & it wont go away.
Doctor: Did you try using a lemon?
Banta: Yes I did. When I remove it, it starts again.

. Banta: Did u hv a chance 2 sleep with my wife?
Santa: What r u saying? I'd never even think abt such thing.
Banta: U might want 2. She's much better then urs.

. Eni fariyad meri, menu yaad rakhi,
Mere naal beete pal abaad rakhi,
Jo v pyar karde ne tenu unhan vicho mera naam v yaad rakhin,
Bhaaven menu sab to baad rakhi.

. Ur my Funny, Understanding, Cute, Kind, Intelligent, Naughty, Great,
Sweet, Honest, Independent, Truthful friend in short u r my F.U.C.K.I.N.G
S.H.I.T. friend.

. There was once a genie who came & asked, "Name ur wish"
U asked, "Make me Gorgeous."
Genie replied, "I grant wishes not fucking miracles"

. Today it's cool to have small cars and small computers. Soon it will be
cool to have a small penis too then you my friend will be THE MAN!!

. A gud friend is like a gud bra... hard 2 find- comfortable- supportive-
prevents u from falling- holds u tight- and is always close 2 ur heart!

. Remeber: If u need a FUCK, u can always count on me bcoz FUCK stands for
FRIENDS U CAN KEEP. Fuck 4ever & promise me that we FUCK till eternity!
. Are mice giving you trouble?
No?
Than you must have a good pussy!

. I'm a bit shy...I'd like to have sex with you; you do not have to say yes,
just smile to me!

. Do you know that you would look great with two pounds less ... in my
opinion those clothes weigh exactly two pounds!

. Feeling bored? Think of me.
Feeling sad? Call me.
Feeling lonely? See me.
Feeling horny? Use ur hand & njoy the art of messaging.

. I hereby place u under arrest 4 violating code 069 distracting public with
ur xtreme good looks & sex appeal. Remain silent & report 2 my bedroom.

. I wish I was a teddy bear, that lay upon your bed, so everytime you
cuddled it, you cuddled me instead.

. God made butter, god made cheese; god made you for me to squeeze.
God made whiskey, god made Pepsi and when he made you he made you SEXY!

. U r so sexy u drive me insane, I luv u so much that my heart is in pain.
Ur sexy voice puts me in a slumber, oh damn I'm sorry I have the wrong
number.

. Kisses blown r kisses wasted. Kisses r not kisses unless they r tasted.
Kisses spread germs and germs r hated, but u can kiss me baby I'm
vaccinated.

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