Married Humour

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
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Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

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Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
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Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
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Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
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A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

Whatsapp jokes of 2014

In New York hospital, Nurse to a new but arrogant white american father:
''Congrats, your wife just had triplets.''

American: ''Im not suprised lady. My tool is as big as a chimney!

Nurse: ''Then Better get it cleaned... they're all Black''

LADY TO Dr : My Periods are coming brown colour
Is there any infection?
Dr:How many times u do sex?
Lady: 2times in a yr
Dr: ye infection nahi
ZANG laga hai.


Pota- Dadaji ye condom kya hota hai?
Dadaji- Chal Bhag, Mujhe Nahi Pata.
Pota- Main Janta tha Buddhe, Tujhe pata hota to aaj PROPERTY ke 14 tukde nahi hote..


Santa Kamwali ko ched raha tha.
Kamwali: Battamizi mat kar, MOR bana dungi.
Santa: Murga banate suna tha. Mor kaise banate hai.
Kamwali: Gand me ulti zadu daal ke.


A lady lost her Panties in the park.
She made her Dog smell her Pussy and to go and search for it.

The Confused Dog came back with Dozens of Used Condoms!


Question: Why Do Girls Put On Weight After sex?                                        

Ans: Bcoz every banana has 108 calories..


Sindhi's Son: Papa mere dur ki nazar kharab ho gayi hai, naye SPECS banwa do... !
Sindhi : bahar chal, woh kya hai aasman mai?
Sindhi's son: Papa woh chand hai.
Sindhi: Isse dur kya bhenchod pariyo ki gaand dekhega???


Teacher: What is the opposite of laughing?
Pappu: Fucking!
Teacher: Shame on you! How is that?
Pappu: Laughing is ha ha ha ha and fucking is ah ah ah ah ahh aaahhh..!!


Some great sexy sayings-

"U cannot taste me, until u
undress me?"

-Banana.

"U cannot eat me unless u lick me"

- Ice cream.

"U can not play with me unless u blow me"

- Balloon.

"U can not enjoy me unless u suck me"

- Lollypop.

"U make me wet & put me in your mouth everyday"

- Toothbrush.

And the most killer one

"U can not enjoy me unless u spread me"

Butter
Aisi Koi Chiz Batao Jisko Bajane Se Andar Se Bacche Nikalte Hai..?
Socho ..... Nhi Malum???
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"School Ki Ghanti" :)
Soch Badalo Desh Badlega.

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Jab ladki sare kapde nikal deti hai to kya hota hai ???
..

..



Almari khali ho jati hai..
Soch badlo, Desh badlega!

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Kehte hai aurat ke hath mein barkat hoti hai,
Sahi hai, Kyun ki..
2 inch ki chiz ko 7 inch ka kar de ti hai,



..
..
..

Im talking about.... Roti

Kamino Apni Soch badlo, Desh badlega.. 

JINDAGI MEIN HANSTE RAHOOOOOOO

JINDAGI MEIN HANSTE RAHOOOOOOO

1. Sardar comes back 2 his car & finds a note saying "Parking Fine"
He writes a note and sticks it 2 pole "Thanks 4 d complement"

2 ...How do you recognize a Sardar in School? He is the one who erases the notes from
the book when the teacher erases the board.

3. Once a Sardar was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on other so the man
asked him why did he do so? He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one
hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

4. Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar , where
he lived, to Jalandar to meet his friend. He reached there in a few hours. After
spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to expect him
in the evening. But he didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either. When he
finally reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him " Arre
Puttar, ki hoya?"
The Sardarji got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oy, ye
Marutti wale pagal hain, agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaate hain, aur pichche jaane
waaste sirf ik?"

5. Teacher: Can you tell me something about Raja Ram Mohan Roy?
Saradji: They were 4 best friends..!

6. Sardar to Shopkeeper: - Mujhe India Ka Flag Dikhao, Shopkeeper ne Flag Dikhaya,
Sardar: - Isme aur Colour Dikhao.

7. How can a Sardar Kill a Lion? Sardarji thinks N thinks hard & comes to a conclusion:
I'll drink poison n let lion eat me. O' bolo ta ra ra.

9. Sardar : Sitting on The Top of the Mountain and Studying.... When a Person asked
what he was doing.... He replied... Oye!! Higher Studies Yaar...!!!

10. Sardar with a new mobile called everyone from his Phone Book & said "My MobileNo.
has changed Earlier it was Nokia 3310 Now it is 6610"

11. Sardar falls in Love with Nurse. He writes a Love letter to her, " I LOVE U SISTER."

12. What is Common between: Krishna , Ram, Gandhi ji & Jesus..?
Sardar ji Replied: All are born on Government Holidays.

13. Santa : That Cow is a Lovely Colour ,

Farmer : Yes, it's a Jersey
Santa: Oh, I thought it was its Skin...!!!

14. Sardar Son: O God! Please make New York the capital of Punjab .
Sardar: Why are you praying for that?
Sardar Son: That is what I have written in my exam.

Whats App and FaceBook

I really laughed at this one ----

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN Facebook and Whats app CONVERSATION

On "What'sapp"

Wife: Kab se wait kar rahi hun?Ghar kab aa rahe ho.

Husband: Abhi kuch pata, nahi dimag mat khao. Jab dekho pareshan karti rehti ho.

On "FaceBook"

Wife: Dear when will you be back. You are the best husband in the world. Miss you. Come back soon.
(Status liked by 10 of her friends)

Husband: Thanks for being there always .... so lucky to have a wonderful wife like you! Will be back soon honey.  

(Status liked by 15 friends, sister-in-law & mother-in-law)

A Husband asked God :
Why my wife loves a rose which dies in a day ...
But doesn't love me who dies for her every day.......!!

God replied :
Mast hai !! WHATSAPP pe daal...!! 

On wife's b'day, man ordered a cake on phone.
Salesman: Wat msg to put on d cake?
Man: Write"Getting older but U R getting better."
Salesman: How do u want me to put it?
Man: Well.. put "U R getting older"at the top And "But U R getting better" at d bottom.
When d cake was unveiled all guests were aghast at d msg. It read: "You are getting older at the top,
But You are getting better at the bottom!"

Moral:- Don't order cakes over phone.
Dont laugh alone pass it on.....

In this world everybody makes mistakes, but
only mother in law & Boss have the God-gifted talent of Finding them

Best of 2014 hindi jokes

Madam- Hand par ek sentence banao,
Boy- My penis in ur Hand
Madam- Madarchod ye kya likh diya
Boy -Sorry mam pen k baad space dena bhul gaya ???

A warning notice in a factory for female workers:

"If ur skirt is long, stay away from the Engines
&
if it's short, stay away from the Engineers"!!

'Happy Engineers Day'!

HILARIOUS TRUTH :

Every Man is Millionaire atleast by his sperm count...

And the Funniest thing is that even these million are also spent on Women...!! 

.......................

1 sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it,

which means a normal fuck represents a data transfer of 1587 GB in about 3 seconds...

And we think 3G is fast !

:-) 

The 1st Penis guard in Cricket was used in 1894 & the 1st Helmet was used in 1934.

MORAL: It took 40 yrs for men to realize that Brain is also an important part. But priority was always clear..... 

Husband

HUSBAND : Shadi k baad Zindagi kutte jaisi ho gayi Hai

WIFE-Kutte se kya Barabari karoge,Wo to 1 Ghanta fasa ke Rakhta hai...Tumhari 3 min me Gaand fatt jati hai 

Laugh and make your day

Money Cut 

 

Rajesh complained to the class teacher. "My father fired me for removing Mahatma Gandhi's photograph using a scissor." Teacher: That is too bad. 

Tell me from where did you remove the picture? "From 500 Rupee note".Rajesh replied.

Parking

Sardarji was found removing some tires from his four wheeler even though they were intact. "Why did you remove them" the passerby questioned.

"Don't you see the board. "Parking only for two wheelers".Sardarji clarified.



Penalty

The traffic inspecor caught hold of a motorist riding with 2 more people in his motor bike.
"stop the vehicle".your vehicle is overloaded.He roared.Take me along in the bike.
and proceed to the police station.You have to pay the penalty.! the inspector said.



Happiness

Husband to wife on the wedding night." There should be complete harmony and happiness throughout our life.Can you show me an example to make this dream a reality". Next day morning the wife had an early bath.prepared breakfast and hot tea and called her husband. "How lucky I am to have such a wonderful wife",the husband was delighted.". "This is only an example. For having complete harmony and happiness.

You should do like this from tomorrow and awake me.



clerk 

Sardarji was appointed clerk in an office. First day itself he worked from 10 a.m. to10 p.m. night in front of the coputer. The boss was impressed.You are ery hardworking. What you have been doing since morning.? "The boss wanted to know. 

All the alphabets in the keyboard were topsy turvy. I removed each one and placed them in order.Sardar replied.


Confessed


Will you beat me if I tell you one thing.Wife enquired from husband. Of course not. husband said. Wife." I am three months pregnant". wife clarified.Husband was delighted. "On the contrary this calls for celebration. Why would I beat you?".

"When I was studying in college,my father had beaten me for telling the same thing." The wife confessed!



Warning

Johny wrote to Jesus christ.My dear Jesus,please get me a cycle .Even after one week there was no response. Again he wroter. Please get me a cycle soon.Again there was no response.He purchased Matha's photo,kept in his house and sent a warning to Jesus. "Your mother is in my custody. If you want your mother back safe, please provide the cycle within 24 hours".