Endearing terms

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Darling, etc…

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, “I think it's wonderful that after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names”.
The old man hung his head, sighed and said “I have to tell you the truth, her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is...”

Joke of the month

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He
removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

  She gasped...
  Then, he spoke...
  'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'

he ever wants is sex

A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband.
"Don't you love him anymore?" asked the lawyer.
"Oh, I still love him," she replied, "but all he ever wants is sex, I can't take it anymore."
"Instead of divorcing him, why don't you try charging him every time he wants to make love?" the lawyer suggested.

The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try.

As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the move on her.
"Not so fast," she replied. "From now on it'll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom."

"Well, then," he said. "Here's $50."

The wife began walking to the bedroom.
"Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand. "That'll be five times in the kitchen!"

Best SMS Joke

Marriage is like a public toilet Those waiting outside are desperate to
get in & Those inside are desperate to come out.

20 Years Ago

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
`What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, `Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, `I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating.
You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
`Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
`Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
`Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. `Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, `Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
`I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, `Had I gone with second option, I would have been released today.`

                                                                                  

 

ORGANIC WIFE

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market.

I went and looked around and couldn't find any.
So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to
do that yourself.

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico .

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the
next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's
testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one
bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this
delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and
only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and
said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,

'Si, Senor.
Sometimes the bull wins !