Insurance Salesman

Insurance Salesman



Peter walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.

"We don't need anyone" they replied.

"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anytime, anything!"

"Well we have two prospects that No One has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."

He was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000.00 and another for $50,000.00.

"How in the world did you do that ?" they asked.

"I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!"

"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000.00 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

Peter was gone about 6 hours and they were fixing to close when he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine, and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. George's and this one is Mr. Robert's."

"That's good" they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a teachers convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"

Self Appraisal

A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits (phone number). The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation: Boy : "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn? Woman : (at the other end of the phone line) " I already have someone to cut my lawn." Boy : "Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now." Woman : I'm very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting my lawn. Boy : (with more perseverance) "Lady, I'll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so, on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of Palm beach , Florida ." Woman : No, thank you. With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy. Store Owner : "Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job." Boy : "No thanks, Store Owner : But you were really pleading for one. Boy : No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking to!" This is what we call "Self Appraisal"

a indian lion

In a poor zoo of India , a lion was frustrated as he was offered not more than 1 kg meat a day. One day the lion thought its prayers were answered when a US Zoo Manager visited the zoo and requested the zoo management to shift the lion to a US zoo. The lion was pleased and started thinking of a central A/C environment, a goat or two every day and a US Green Card On it's first day after arrival, the lion was offered a big bag, sealed very nicely, for breakfast.

It opened the bag quickly but was shocked to see that it contained only a few bananas. Controlling its anger, the lion thought that maybe they cared too much for him as they were worried about his stomach as he had recently

shifted from India . The next day the same thing happened. On the third day again the same food bag of bananas was delivered.

Now the lion was furious. It stopped the delivery boy and blasted him, “Don’t you know, I am the lion...King of the Jungle....What's wrong with your management? What nonsense is this? Why are you

delivering bananas to me ?"

The delivery boy politely said, "Sir, I know you are the King of the Jungle but....do you know that you have been brought here on a monkey's visa!!!

Moral: Better to be a Lion in India than a Monkey elsewhere...

Business Management defintions

1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

2) Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.

3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.And lastly……………..

9) Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby

Show him right in

After successfully passing the bar exam, a young man opened his own law office. One day he was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him.

"Show him right in!" the lawyer replied.

As Mr. Jones was being ushered in the lawyer had an idea. He quickly picked up the phone and shouted into it "...and you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!"

Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones, "Good morning, Mr. Jones, what can I do for you?"

"I'm from the telphone company," Mr. Jones replied. "I'm here to connect that phone."

A disappointed Salesman in Arabic

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... Totally exhausted and panting. Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, " Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realise that Arabs Read from Right to Left..."

Management Lesson

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl inhis office... but she was dating someone else.One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you..."The girl looked at him, and then said,"NO!"

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend downand I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boy friend...so she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. Hewon't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal.Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for hisgirlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks whathappened...?

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all coins!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entiretybefore agreeing to it and getting screwed

New Recruitment

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman forMicrosoft Europe.5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Kantibhai Shah.
Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave.2000 people leave the room.
Kantibhai says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to loseif I stay. I'll give it a try'
Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100people may leave.2000 people leave the room.
Kantibhai says to himself ' I never managed anybody by myself but I havenothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays.
Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave.500 people leave the room.
Kantibhai says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got tolose?' So he stays in the room.
Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat toleave.498 people leave the room.
Kantibhai says to himself, ' I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat butwhat do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one othercandidate.Everyone else has gone.
Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two candidateswho speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversationtogether in that language.'
Calmly, Kantibhai turns to the other candidate and says `*Kem Chho'*
The other candidate answers *'Ek Dam Majama'*

strategy

Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars at several motorway services in England.Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of moneyto spend . Hamid only brings in 2 to 3 pounds a day. Hamid asks Ahmed howhe manages to bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day.
Ahmed says, "Look at your sign. It says, "I have no work, a wife and sixkids to support." Britons who see that do not feel as if they haveaccomplished anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and alargefamily. Now look at my sign."
So Hamid looks up and Ahmed's sign reads:"I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan "

BUG SPRAY

A salesman was traveling through the country side, flogging insectrepellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guaranteeit."
The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfieldbuck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite onyou come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you. And get everyone in thecounty to buy a case......we will make you rich.
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughlywith the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went thefarmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to thecornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, nota single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck!
Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him. The farmer wasperplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you looklike hell! What the devil happened?" The salesman looked up throughbloodshot eyes and croaked,
"Doesn't that calf have a mother?*

Wifes lover

A woman takes a lover home during the day while herhusband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees themand hides in the bedroom closet to watch.The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her loverin the closet, not realizing that the little boy is inthere already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here.
"The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy andthe lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"Howmuch?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab yourgloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge yourfriends like that... that is way more than those twothings cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confessyour greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the littleboy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you'rein my closet now.

Smart Investing

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought adonkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmeragreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorryson, but I have some bad news, the donkey died lastnight."
Kenny replied: "Well then, just give me my moneyback."
The farmer said: "Can't do that. I went and spent italready."
Kenny said: "OK then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked: "What you gonna to do with him?"Kenny: "

I'm going to raffle him off." (Note: Toraffle is to sell a thing by lottery - draw lot -! toa group of people each paying the same amount for aticket)
Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tellanybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked,"
What happened with that dead donkey?"Kenny: "
I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at twodollars apiece and made a profit of $998.00."
Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"Kenny: "
Just the guy who won. So I gave him back histwo dollars."

See how business is done

Father : I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride!"
Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case...ok"

Next Father approaches Bill Gates.

Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"

This is how business is done!!

Moral: You can have anything even if you have nothing to begin with.