money with windows

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too
old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For
those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read
on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous
sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm
thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the
windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just
say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What
do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with
some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have
anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............

Is windows a virus ??

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug

Car Operating System..................

Bill's company made software to run a car.

Bill was taking a test ride of the car. Suddenly a truck came from opposite side.

Bill pressed ctrl+b to apply brakes.

A pop-up window appeared asking, "Are you sure you really want to stop?"

Before Bill could enter "Yes", there was a crash and the car caught fire.

In panic Bill forgot the password to open the door.

He started shouting "F1! F1!" but there was no computer professional present there to understand his screams.

Then he tried to come out through the car window-pane.

A message appeared on the screen, "An illegal function is performed.

All the window-panes of the car will be closed."

Poor Bill died.

Messengers of death took away his soul and said to him, "You have never ever performed any good deeds in your life. You always stole the code from others. We are going to send you to hell."

Bill pleaded, "I am ready to go to hell but do provide me a computer, please."

Messengers of death smiled inwardly and permitted him a computer, but with no Alt, Ctrl and Delete keys on the keyboard.

Top 7 reasons why I joined IT ..

1) I hated sleep.
2) I had enjoyed my life enough.
3) I couldn't live without tension.
4) I wanted to pay for my sins.
5) I believed in the Bhagwad Geeta principle : karm karo , phal ki ichha na karo.
6) Everything in life has a reason; i wanted to prove it wrong.
7) I wanted to take revenge on myself.

Modern Panchtantra Story

Modern Panchtantra Story [ IT HUMOR ]

Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market. One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table and fell in the river. Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his childhood.
( the woodcutter and the axe )
He started praying to the River Goddess. The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers. The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river.

As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a match box and asked, "
Is this your computer ?
" Disappointed by the Goddess' lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, " No."

She next showed him a pocket-sized calculator and asked if that was his. Annoyed, the engineer said " No, not at all !!" Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his.The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said "Yes."
The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was about to give him all three items, but before she could make the offer, the engineer asked her, "Don't you know that you're supposed to show me some better computers before bringing up my own ?"

The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, "I know that, you stupid donkey! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the Billennium, the latest computers from IBM !". So saying, she disappeared with the Pentium!! ********

Moral: If you're not up-to-date with technology trends, it's better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you're a genius than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

GLASS DOWN

Study this small story, hope that makes a BIG change in you.

Professor began his class by holding up a glass with some water in it.He held it up for all to see & asked the students,' How much do you thinkthis glass weighs?

''50gms!' .... '100gms!' .....'125gms' .....the students answered.

'I really don't know unless I weigh it,' said the professor, 'but, myquestion is: What would happen if I held it up like this for a fewminutes?

''Nothing' the students said

.'Ok what would happen if I held it up like this for an hour?' the professorasked.'

Your arm would begin to ache' said one of the students.

'You're right, now what would happen if I held it for a day?

''Your arm could go numb, you might have severe muscle stress & paralysis &have to go to hospital for sure!' ventured another student & all thestudents laughed.'Very good. But during all this, did the weight of the glass change?' askedthe professor.

'No''Then what caused the arm ache & the muscle stress?' The students werepuzzled.

'Put the glass down!' said one of the students.'Exactly!' said the professor.' Life's problems are something like this.Hold it for a few minutes in your head & they seem OK. Think of them for along time & they begin to ache. Hold it even longer & they begin toparalyze you. You will not be able to do anything. It's important to thinkof the challenges (problems) in your life, but EVEN MORE IMPORTANT to 'putthem down' at the end of every day before you go to sleep. That way, youare not stressed, you wake up every dayfresh & strong & can handle any issue, any challenge that comes your way!'So, as it becomes time for you to leave office today,
Remember friend to'PUT THE GLASS DOWN TODAY!

funny love letter!

Dearest,
You are my TVS SCOOTY (First Love) and also my AIWA(PURE PASSION). I always BPL (Believe in best) and you are SANSUI (Better than best). You are MC DOWEL'S (Mera number one) love LA O PALA(Made for one). I believe in FRESHIYA (Gorepan se jyade khoobsurti ka wada) and you are one of the most Beautiful in this world ! think of you day and night when you give me one and only ! Smile you are DOMINO'S PIZZA (Delivering a Million of smile per day) for me. This is COLGATE ENERGY GEL (Seriously fresh) feeling for me.

I would like, you should be my life partner I think you are worry abut your Father who is KAWASAKI BAJAJ CALIBER (The unshakeable) and also think of my Father who is CEAT (Born tough) but don't worry I am also FORD ICON (The Josh Machine) and rest of our family
members are KELVINATOR (The coolest one) If they will say no we will run away and marry and PHILIPS(Lets make think better) They will feel MIRINDA (Jor ka jatka dhire se laghe) and we Coca Cola (Jo chahe ho Jaye Coca cola enjoy)

Trust in God who's always NOKIA (Connecting people) those who love each other. And we are Wills (Made for each Other). After some time our love will be SAMSUNG DIGITALL (Invited by all) We are HERO HONDA (Leading the way) of our love life. Then our life is BOLERO (Beak free).

Now HUNDAI (we are listening) the song of love you must know that love is DAIRY MILK (The real test of life) SATYAM ON LINE (Fun fast easy) , PARX (always comfortable) and also AMUL (The real taste of India) for me life is HOME TRADE (Life means more) So never forget me.

OK bye! I wrote little but PEPSI (Ye dil mange More)

LG
[Digitally yours]

T-Shirts for Software people

T-Shirts for Software people

Customer CARE IN 2020

Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."
Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold..........on......889861356102049998-45-54610"
Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"
Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99"
Customer: "Can I pay by! credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"
Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records,you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."
Customer: " What!"
Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,...registration number 1123..."
Customer: " ????"
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 freebottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... "
Customer: #$$^%&$@$%
Operator "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?"
Customer: [Faints]

Situation of a Developer.

life of a Developer

Smart programmer

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit exceptfor two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.
Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without sayinga word.
1. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."
2. TheProject manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young techwas brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!"
3. The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me,but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
4. The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time?"

Be a Smart Programmer!!!!!!

Please read all versions

Forgiving or punishing the terroristsis left to God.
But,fixing their appointmentwith God is our responsibility- Indian Army.

Updated statement for this in S/w industry..
Forgiving or punishing the Developeris left to Manager.
But,fixing their appointment with Manageris our responsibility -Tester

Forgiving or punishing the Manageris left to Client.
But,fixing their appointmentwith Clientis our responsibility - Developer

Sick Leave................

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the
Boss would not
allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I
acted "CRAZY" then
he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung
upside down on the
ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker asked me
what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so
that the Boss would
think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and
asked,
"What are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and
recuperate
for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her,
"And where do you think you are going?"

( You are gonna love this.....)

She said, "I am going home too, I can't work in the dark."!!

IT consultant

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.

The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd: If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"

The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies: "Okay."

The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the Ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer.

He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."

The shepherd cheers,"that' s correct, you can have your sheep."

The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.

The shepherd looks at him and asks:

"If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"

The young man answers, "Yes, why not".

The shepherd says, "You are an IT consultant ".

How did you know?" asks the young man.

"Very simple," answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don't understand anything about my business...

Now can I have my DOG back?"

Welcome to the Corporate world

LAW OF THE JUNGLE
Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger that looked both hungry and fast. One of the guys reached into his pack and pulled out a pair of Nike.
His friend looked at him "Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that tiger?"
I don't have to run faster than that tiger, his friend replied. "I just have to run faster than you".
Welcome to the corporate world!! So true, right?