Husband

HUSBAND : Shadi k baad Zindagi kutte jaisi ho gayi Hai

WIFE-Kutte se kya Barabari karoge,Wo to 1 Ghanta fasa ke Rakhta hai...Tumhari 3 min me Gaand fatt jati hai 

Smart Ass Jokes 2013

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead..'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. 
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas...'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2013!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

Does Management know their Staff ?

 
Does Management know their Staff?



On walking into the factory, the Managing Director of the company
noticed a young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing.


He approached the young man and calmly said to him,
"How much do you earn?"


The young man was quite amazed
that he was asked such a personal question,
he replied, none the less, "I earn $ 2000.00 a month,
Sir. Why?"


Without answering, the MD took out his wallet
and removed $6000.00 cash and gave it to the young man and said,
"Around here I pay people for working,
not for standing around looking pretty!


Here is your 3 months salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".

The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.



Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner,
"And that applies to everybody in this company".



He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man
I just fired?"


To which an amazing reply came - "He was the pizza delivery guy , Sir!"

rejected loan

In 1980, IDBI bank rejected loan for Ambani.




now 2008, Mukesh Ambani was planning to buy IDBI bank.




this shows nothing is impossible...





now in 2009, HDFC bank rejected loan for me...



but in 2020, I'm planning to....





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Apply for loan

again!

Giving up

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on
her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing
the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

Made it

Every day, Mr. Koch has to cross the rier by ferry in order to get to work.

Waking up late one morning, he dressed quickly, ran out the door and raced to the dock. The boat was several yards away, and stepping back and taking a mighty leap, Mr. Koch landed with a crash on the deck.

"Made it!" he cried triumphantly.

"So?" said one of the passengers, "What was the rush? The boat is coming in."

Management theory "thats intelligence"

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his Customer,
"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a five rupee coin in one hand and two one rupee coins(1+1=2) in the other, then calls the boy over and asks,

"Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the two one rupee coins and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of
the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take two one rupee coins instead of five rupee coin?"

The boy licked his cone and replied,
"Because THE DAY I TAKE THE FIVE RUPEE COIN, THE GAME IS OVER
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Moral: When you think the other person is dumb, you are making a fool of yourself.

Your dog's barking

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one
morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone...

"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number
before hanging up.
The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his
neighbor back ...

"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't *have* a dog."

famous writer

1) A famous writer said "Love is like a long sweet dream"and

"marriage is an alarm clock."so have a sweet dreams till ur alarm wakes you up!


2) This is a romantic story about 2 lovers...

so read it slowly..

The night was dark,......................The moon was high,
I stopped my car,............................she asked me why,
i came close to her,.........................she felt shy,
i went near her,.............................i wanted to say something but
i thought she wont believe it and finally i told her those 3 words..........."

PETROL HOGAYA UTAR"

Pakistan Army

An Indian was travelling in a train in Pakistan, along with his pregnant wife. A few Pak army officers were also travelling in the same compartment.As every body knows ,the pakis think they are a little too smart and also try to show their superiority in all aspects,they tried to act little smart and embarass the Indian.They thought at the same time, it would be a good time-pass too. So, one of them went and sat beside the man.

The Smart officer asked the man, "Are u an Indian?????".

"Yes", the man replied proudly.

The officer then said, "Is ur wife pregnant????"

"Yes", replied the man.

He was a bit annoyed by the question as it was obviously visible that his wife was pregnant and the officer still asked that question. But he kept quiet. Now, the officer thought it was time to have some fun.

He asked the Indian, "If it is a boy, what would u like him to be?????"

"I'd make him a Software Engineer", the man said proudly.

"What if it is a girl ????" asked the officer.

"I'd make her a doctor", the man replied.

Now, the officer gave the man a naughty grin and said, "What if it is neither aboy nor a girl?"

Now the smart Indian realised the whole point of this officer speaking to him.He realized that these officers were trying to embarass him so he decided to give it back to them.He thought for a second, returned the same naughty smile back to the officer and
said, "In that case, he will join the Pakistan army......."

Stupid Stuff

• Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
• Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and says, "You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn't agree with me!"
• I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
• The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?"
  
  "No maam," he replied...
  
  "We don't have to. My mom is a good cook!"
  

ROBOT....THIS IS TOOOOOOOO FUNNY!!!!

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot. It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie Detector. He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked.

At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late. Both parents were understandably angry.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.

''We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.

''What did you watch?', asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.

'The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.

'The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that not only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half way across the patio.

When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and literally slapped the shit out of her, not once, but three times.

****** True love story******

There was a mosquito and a dog who loved each other a lot………..
One day the mosquito got excited and gave a love bite to the dog……..
The dog became emotional and returned the love bite to the mosquito……..
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The next day………………….
Mosquito died of rabies and dog died of malaria………………..
What a touching story………………………..!!!!!!

best oneliners

A prostitute goes to a school for a jobPrincipal: Can u teach zoology/biology/geology or physiology?Prostitute: No. Only DALOGY & NIKALOGY
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Ladki aur chai mein hamesha 6 qualities honi chahiye:
Garam ho, Tez ho, Meethi ho, Doodh jyada ho, 5 minute mein taiyyar ho, and Raatbhar sone na de
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Baniya gave matrimonial ad for his daughter, working at a call centre:
Wanted a suitable match for Chandigarh's highest paid call girl
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Bania to petrol pumpwala: Your scheme 'Free Sex with Petrol' is a fraud.
Pumpwala: It's not fraud sir. Ask ur wife, she has already won 9 times

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A young blonde goes to the doc 4 a physical. The doctor puts his stethoscope upto the gal's chest & says: Big breaths.
The girl replies: Yeth & I'm not even 16

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Man was smoking in a bus. Conductor: No Smoking ka board nahin dikhta?
Man: Uske side mein 'Always Wear Condom' ka board hai, ab vo bhi laga kebaithoon?

four conditions

The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors,all of them could not figure out how to cure him. Finally hewas brought to an old physician, who stated that he couldfigure it out.

After about an hour's examination he came out and told thecardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the badnews was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles.

He said that the good news was that, all the pope had to doto be cured was to have sex.

Well, this was not a good news to the cardinals, who arguedabout it at length. Finally they went to the pope with thedoctor and explained the situation.

After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but underfour conditions.

"The cardinals were amazed and there arose uproar. Over allof the noise there arose a single voice that asked, "Andwhat are the four conditions?

"The room stilled. There was a long pause... The popereplied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannotsee with whom she is having sex."

"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear withwhom she is having sex."

"And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figuresout with whom she is having sex, she can tell no one.

"After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And thefourth condition?

"The pope smiled and replied, " Big breasts! "

old Jewish man

Abe, an old Jewish man, was dying.On his deathbed, he looked up and said,
"Is my wife here?"
His wife replies: "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you.."
So Abe asks, "Are my children here?"
"Yes, daddy, we're all here," say the children.Abe inquires,
"Are my other relatives also here?"And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."
So Abe sits up and yells,"THEN WHY IS THE LIGHT ON IN THE KITCHEN?!?"

americans

Some Americans were touring an Arab marketplace and one of themsaw a man sitting on the ground brushing his camel."Excuse me, sir," the American said. "Do you know the time?"Ammar looked at the American.
The he reached over and held thecamel's balls, moving them slightly. "Ten after two," he said, atlast."My word!" said the American.
He caught up to his tour group andinsisted some of the others return with him, "You've never seenanything like this!" he promised.The group went back with him. Again he asked for the time. AgainAmmar reached for the camel's balls. He seemed to be weighingthem as he moved them to and fro. Finally, he announced: "Twenty-one minutes past two."The others were amazed. They went on their way, but the firstAmerican remained.
He leaned over."Listen," he confided to Ammar, "I'd give you anything to knowhow you do that. I'll give you twenty American dollars if youshow me how you can tell the time by holding your camel's balls.
"Ammar thought for a moment, and then nodded. Pocketing thetwenty-dollar bill, he beckoned for the American to kneel downbeside him on the ground.
Then he took the camel's balls andgently moved them to the side, out of the way."Do you see that clock over there?" he asked.

menu

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurantoperated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down andlooked over the menu....

Tourist: $5.00

Broiled Missionary: $10.00

Fried Explorer: $15.00

Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a pricedifference for the Politician?' The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

Police Emergency

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"