Ouch....

A man had been in a terrible car accident, and woke up in the hospital. Looking around, he noticed a doctor leaning over his bed. "Jesus doc," the man exclaimed, "what happened. Where am I." 

The doctor replied "You have been in a bad car accident, and you're in the hospital, but don't worry, you're going to be all right. The bad news is that we had to amputate your right arm, above the elbow." 

"Oh no," the man screamed. "I'd rather be dead. I can't go through life without my arm. Please doc, kill me. I can't go on like this........" 

"Now son," said the doctor, "with the miracles of modern medicine today, we can give you a Bionic Arm. Only costs one million dollars, and it looks and works just like the real thing. Nobody will ever know it's not  your own arm." 

"Yeah, great," the man groaned. "And where the hell am I gonna get a million bucks. I'm better off dead." 

"Hang on now," said the doctor. "We've been looking for a case like yours for a while now. We just came up with a new arm. For only ten thousand dollars, you can have it. It looks just like the more expensive one, but the only difference is that this one has a small microphone built into it, and you have to TELL the arm what to do. Other than that, it works just like the other one." 

"Well," the guy says, "I can probably afford ten grand. Go ahead, sew it on." 

The next day, the guy woke up in the same bed, and saw the doctor leaning over him again. "Well, doc, how did it go? Is everything all right?" 

"We think that the operation was a success," replied the surgeon, "but you will have to try it out, and let us know if there are any problems with it." 

Later on in the day, the guy was lying in bed, practicing with his new arm. "Lift up," he commanded. The arm lifted up. "Move right." The arm moved to the right. "Move left." The arm moved to the left. Everything seemed to be working without a hitch, and he was really pleased. All of a sudden, he had the urge to go to the bathroom. 

He hopped out of bed, and proceeded into the john. "Arm, reach down and undo my zipper." The arm obeyed. "Take out my Wang." The arm obeyed flawlessly. The guy had his leak, and when he was done, he commanded, "Shake it." The arm gave it a little shake. "No, shake it harder!" The arm gave it a good shake. "Hey," the guy said, "that feels pretty good......jerk it off." 

(Ouch....)

Redlight

Boy: Let’s play the firetruck game.
Girl: How do we play?
Boy: I run my fingers up your leg, and you say “Redlight” when you want me to stop.
Girl: Okay 
*Few seconds later*
Girl: Redlight!!!
Boy: Firetrucks don’t stop for redlights 

What Woman wants ? fact of the year 2013

Every man believes every woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While a recent sociological study verified this, what men don't realize is that, in women's fantasies, one man cooks while the other cleans!

Toilet Paper Therapy(16+)

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror.

This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.  "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.  The wife stops.  "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

The husband shrugs.  "Why not, it worked for your bums, didn't it?

BANK & BRA

 

BANK  &  BRA

============

 

 

 

SIMILARITY

 

Dono ke andar jitna maal jyada, utna interest jyada.

 

 

DIFFERENCE

 

bra se maal nikaal ne ke baad interest aata hai aur

bank se maal nikaal ne ke baad interest khatam.

Parayi Ladkiyo Ke Liye Aisa Nahi Karna Chahiye

Ek Baar Ek Kisaan Ne Apne Dono Ladko Ki Shaadi Ek Hi Din Kar Di.

Ab Tha To Vo Gareeb Hi, Uske Pass Teen Manjli Makan Tha, Usne Chote Ladke Ko Sabse Upri Wali Manjil De Di,

Aur Bade Ko Pahli Manjil, Khud Aapni Biwi Ke Sath Nichli Majil Par Rahta Tha.

Suhag Raat Wale Din Sabse Pahle Chote Ladke Ne Thoka Thukayi Shuru Ki.

To Unki Awaaz Sun Ke Bade Bhai Ka Bhi Dil Hua To Wo Bhi Shuru Ho Gaya.

Isi Tarha Unki Awaaz Niche Aayi To Budhe Ka Bhi Dil Kar Pada Wo Bhi Shuru Ho Gaya.

Ladke Jawan The Un Dono Ne Aadhe Ghante Baad Phir Se Shift Laga Di.

Budhe Ne Bhi Dekha Dekhi Ek Baar Aur Trip Maar Li.

Ladko Ka Khoon To Abhi Bhi Garam Tha, Unhone Ek Ghante Baad Ek Shift Aur Laga Di.

Budhe Bechare Mein Itni Jaan Kaha Thi, Vo Gusse Mein Aakar Ladko Ko Niche Se Zor Se Awaj Dekar Bola.

Budha: “Kyun Parayi Ladkiyon Ke Pichhe Compition Kar Ke Aapni Maa Chudva Rahe Ho“

Dulhe Se Jyada Kanjoos To Dulhan Nikli

Shadi Wali Raat Dulha Apni Dulhan Ko Sex Karne Ke Baad Apne Ghar Ke Niyam Aur Kayde-Kanoon Samajhate Hue Bola.

Dulha: “Is Ghar Mein Rahna Hai To Kanjoosi Karni Padegi”

Dulhan: “To Phir Itna Sara Tel Lund Par Lagane Ki Kya Jarurat Thi, Hamare Waha To Ye Kam Thook Laga Ke Hi Ho Jata Tha“

joke of the year Little Johnny

Johnny walked into class with a black eye

Teacher: what’s wrong?

Johnny : our house is very small. Me, my mom, my dad we sleep on the same bed.
Last night my dad asked, 'Johnny are u sleeping?
When I said No, he slapped my face and gave me a Black eye"

Teacher: the next time when your dad asks if you're sleeping , keep dead quiet and don’t answer.


The following morning Johnny comes back with a severe+ SEVERE+ black eye again..


Teacher: My goodness why the black eye again?

Johnny: Dad asked me again, Johnny are you sleeping? And I shut up n kept dead still.

Then my dad and my mom started moving, You know at the same time Mom was breathing erratically, Kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a hyena on the bed.

Then my dad asked my mom, are you coming?

Mom said: Yes I’m coming, are u coming too?

Dad answered: Yes !!!

They don’t usually go anywhere without me So I said, wait for me, I'm also coming!!!!!

A Camel Condom

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

“Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel. (a cigarette brand)”

The pharmacist fainted.

TOP TEN jokes for 2010

Baba Saxidas Se Unke Ek Bhakt Ne Pucha

Bhakt: “Baba Ladkiya Hamesha Phoolon Wali Panty Hi Kyu Pahnti Hai?”

Baba Saxidas: “Bacha Simple, Taki chooot Se Badbu Na Aaye“




Santa Ki Shadi Hui Par Suhagrat Mein Kya Krna Hote Hai Ye Usko Pata Nahi Thha.

Vo Apne Daddy Ke Pass Jaata Aur Puchta Hai Ki Kya Karu

Daddy: “Rat Ko Mujhe Phone Kriyo Aur Jaise Main Kahoon Vaise Hi Kriyo.”

Raat Ke 1.30 Baje Daddy Ko Phone Ata Hai.

Santa: “Daddy Batao Kya Karna Hai?”

Daddy: “Dulhan Ke Aur Apne Kapde Utar.”

Santa: “Fir?”

Daddy: “Dulhan Ki Taango K Beech Me Ched (Hole) Dikh Raha Hoga Tujhe?”

Santa: “Hanji Daddy Dikh Raha Hai”

Daddy: “Ab Jo Mere Paas Bhi Hai Aur Tere Paas Bhi Hai Vo Us Ched Mein Daal De”

Santa Ne Apna Mobile Hi Patni Ki chooot Mein Daal Diya



Santa Ko Thane Mein Laya Gaya, Aur Police Inpector Ke Aage Pesh Kiya Gaya

Inspector: “Tumne Is Bechare Bikhari Ko Itna Kyu Maara?”

Santa: “Mene Isko Kitni Baar Bola Ki Main Aisa Waisa Aadmi Nahi Hoon, Fir Bhi Sala Bolta Hai, Ek Baar De De Baba“




Baba Saxidas Bhakto Ko Gayan De Rahe Thhe Bole

“Bachho Bra Aur Baniyan Mein Kya Antar Hota Hai Ye Aaj Main Batane Jaa Raha Hun”


“Baniyan Mein Kapda Jayada Hota Hai Aur Weight Kam, Aur Bra Mein Kapda Kam Aur Weight Jayada Hota Hai“



TV Pe Ek Cooking Show Chal Raha Tha. Usmein Ek Lady Cook Host Thhi

Lady Cook: “Bahno Aaj Main Aapko Salad Banana Sikhaungi”

Sabse Pahle Ek Moti Mooli Le

Agar Maja Aa Raha Hai To Leti Rahe

Salad Banana Hum Fir Kabhi Sikh Lenge






Baba Saxidas Se Kisi Ne Pucha Ki “Why Women Are More Hot Than Men?”

Baba Saxidas Ne Technically Samjhaya: “Because Men Have 2 Zero Watt Bulbs & One 40 Watt Tube, Where As Women Have Two 500 Watt Bulbs & One 3000 Watts Oven.“




Maa Baap Apne 6 Saal Ke Bete Se: “Beta So Ja Nahi To Bhoot Aa Jayega”

Beta: “Aap Logo Ko To Bas Chudayi Ka Bahana Chahiye, Bhoot Ne Yaha Aake Kya Maa Chudvani Hai“





Ek Tharki Aadmi Baba Saxidas Ke Pass Gaya Aur Bola: “Baba Ji, Main Bahut Tharki Hun, Mujhe Nangi Ladkiya Dekhne Ka Bada Shonk Hai, Koi Esa Upay Batao Ki Main Ye Kam Marne Ke Bad Bhi Kar Saku”

Baba Saxidas Bole: “Bacha Ye Kaam To Bada Hi Asan Hai, Jake Apni Aankhein Donate Kar Do.“




Santa Ko Ek Din Hichki Aayi Aur Sath Mein Uska Lund Bhi Khada Ho Gaya

Santa: “Arrey Wah Lagta Hai Balbir Bhai Ke Saath Babhi Bhi Yaad Kar Rahi Hai”



Chodumal Khan Saab Ka Ek Sher Arz Hai

Meri gaaand Par Main Fida,

Teri gaaand Par Tu Fida,

Meri gaaand Par Main Fida,

Teri gaaand Par Tu Fida.

Aur Jis Din Teri Gand Par Main Fida,

Us Din Beta Samajh Le Tu Chuda

Bar & Bra

What are the similarities of BAR & BRA 

1. Both words have the same letters
2.. Both are drinking zones
3. Both have restricted timing for opening & closing 
4. More importantly, both makes men crazy when open.

Another Visit to Dentist

A lady walks into the dentist's office, takes off her underwear, sits 
down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open. 
"You must have made a mistake " says the shocked dentist,"The gynecologist's office is one level higher. "
 
To that the lady replies, "No mistake, you installed my husband's dentures last week, now you'll be the one getting them out. "

Nuns in Convent - Morning Prayer Session

One day in the convent the nuns had their morning prayer session. At 
the end of the prayer session the head nun stood up and addressed the 
rest of the nuns. 

She said, "There was a man in the convent last night." 
99 of the nuns go ohhh, and 1 of them goes hee hee hee. 

The head nun goes on, "We found a condom in the garden." 
Again 99 of the nuns go ohhhh, 1 nun goes hee hee hee. 

The head nun continues "There was a hole in that condom." 
99 nuns go hee hee hee, 1 nun goes ohhh.

First Thing to do after Jail

Jack was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.

The only thing he said was, “F.F.”

His wife turned to him and answered, “E.F.”

Out on the highway, he said, “F.F.”

She responded simply, “E.F.”

He repeated, “F.F.”

She again replied, “E.F.”

“Mom! Dad!” their son yelled. “What’s going on?”

Jack answered, “Your mother wants to eat first!”

Costume Party

A guy goes into a costume shop. 
He says, "I'm going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam. " 
The girl brings out a fig leaf. 
He says, "Not big enough. "
She brings out a bigger one. 
He says, "Still not big enough. "
She brings out a huge fig leaf. 
He says, "Still not big enough. "
She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump? "

Hookers Tax Return

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. 

The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions.' He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. And then asks, 'What is your occupation?' The woman replies, 'I'm a wh0re.

'The accountant balks and says, 'No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that.' The woman, 'OK, I'm a prostitute.''No, that is still too crude. Try again.' They both think for a minute, then the woman states, 'I'm a chicken farmer.' The accountant asks, 'What does chicken farming have to do with being a wh0re or a prostitute?'


'Well, I raised over 5,000 c0cks last year.'

A Friend Is Like...

A Friend Is Like A Panty - Always Comfortable

A Good Friend Is Like A Bra - Always Supportive

Best Friend Is Like A Condom - Always Protective

RED Indian Time device

his cowboy was walking in the woods one day and he comes to a clearing.

There on a blanket was a naked Indian with an erection.
"What are you doing?" the cowboy asks.

The Indian answers, "Me tell time."
The cowboy says, "Ok. If you are so good, what time is it?"

The Indian looks down at his penis and the shadow it made and said, "It 2 o'clock."
The cowboy looks at his watch and says, "By Golly, you are right!"

The cowboy starts walking again and comes upon another naked Indian laying on a blanket.
"Don't tell me..you're telling time also?"

Indian looks up at him and says, "Yes, me telling time."
The cowboy says, "Okay smartass, what time is it?"

The Indian looks up at the sun and down at his penis and says, "It 4 o'clock."
The cowboy is amazed at the Indians, so he keeps walking. A few hours later he comes upon an Indian on a blanket, masturbating.

"Don't tell me you are telling time!!??"
The Indian looks up at him and says, "No, me winding watch!!"

I get $43 back from Medicare

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged
them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108.

We do it here for $50, .....and I get $43 back from Medicare."

The archbishop is your father

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,

"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.

"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.

After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".

"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".

"You gave birth to a child!".

"But that's impossible!" says the priest.

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,

"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,

"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,

"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".