Old man's a bookie

The teacher says to her new class, "For our first lesson, each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Billy. You go first."

Billy stands up and says, "My name's Billy. My father's a lawyer, l-a-w-y-e-r, and he defends people in court."

The teacher says, "Very good. All right, Benjamin."

Tyrone stands up and says, "My name's Benjamin. My father's a pharmacist, f-a-m... f-a-r-n... f-n..."

The teacher says, "Benjamin, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Angelo."

Angelo stands up and says, "My name's Angelo. My old man's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he'd give you nine-to-five odds Benjamin ain't spellin' pharmacist by tomorrow."

toothpaste dripping

A little girl accidentally walks in on her father while he's getting
dressed.
She points to his dick and says, "Daddy, what's that?"

Not wanting to explain to her yet, he says, "Uh, I can't tell you, it's a
secret."

The little girl finds her mother and asks, "What is that long thing between
Daddy's legs?"

Her mother also doesn't want to explain sex yet, so she says, "I don't know,
he won't tell me."

A couple days later the little girl says to her mother. "Mommy, I finally
figured out what that thing between Daddy's legs is. It's a toothbrush! "

"Why do you think that?" the amused mother asks.

"Because," the little girl says, "this morning I saw the maid sliding it in
and out of her mouth and she had toothpaste dripping down her chin."

Kids View of Marriage and Relationships

Kids View of Marriage and Relationships HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10
*******

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Twentythree is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10

"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6 *******

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.." Eddie, 6

"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8
*******

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8
*******

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8.

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10
*******

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9
*******

WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich." Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8
*******

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, 9

"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaperchanging." Kirsten, age 10
*******

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8

"You can be sure of one thing the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now." Roberta, age 7
*******

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10

******* SPAN> ************ *

enjoy best funny jokes

When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


A little boy went up to his father and asked :" Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from ? "His father replied :" Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother,because I still have mine.


"What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination? " Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours,but I never told them anything !! "

John's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying :"John seems to be a very bright boy,
but spends too much of his time thinking about girls.
"The mother wrote back the next day :" If you find a solution, please advise.I have the same problem with his father ! "

When I was young I used to pray for a bike,then I realized that God doesn't work that way,
so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

Chritmas gifts

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began
praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."

"I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."

"I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and
said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied,

"No, but Grandma is!

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Santa's Jigsaw sex toy shop 'Twas the night before Christmas--
Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH

A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.
Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't
want to pay for it."

But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining,
he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house.
Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas
tree. "How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks.

"I didn't cut it down," the father replies.
"I got it at a tree lot."

"Then why did you bring an axe?"

"Because I didn't want to pay."

where's my boogie

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she
said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her
fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy's gonna eat your fingers!"
pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at
her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

She replied "Mommy, where's my boogie?"

Giving up

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on
her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing
the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

Intelligent Conversation

Conversation with a Little Girl

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane.

When the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowlyand said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

The little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'

Divy It Up!

A 6th grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand and with complete sincerity in his voice, answered, "A lawyer!"

Kids Say ...... ...!!!!!

1 NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

2 OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

3 SAUCE
A woman was trying hard to get the tomato sauce out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mummy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

4 MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

5 POLICE #
1While taking a routine vandalism report at an Infants school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?""Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" Yes, that's right," I told her."Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

6 POLICE #
2It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the Station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked."It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

7 ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly citizens, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

8 DRESS-UPA
little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her Dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, Darling?""You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "

9 DEATH
While walking along the footpath in front of his church, our Minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmateshad found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton wool, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The Minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes."

10 SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time, Mum," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"11 BIBLEA little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages."Mama, look what I found," the boy called out."What have you got there, dear?"With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "Ithink it's Adam's underwear!"

they are building a brothel

Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development. "

At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.

Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very likely that for tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems, when he says anything that appears rude, to get up and leave the class room"

Everybody agreed to this plan. Next day, teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment?

Go ahead Anita" Anita:"Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk."

Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes Koosie!"

Koosie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home"

Teacher: "Excellent, thank you Koosie!" At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the teacher asks : "Oh heavens, tell me Johnny what new development is being built near your home."

Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel" As all the young ladies get up and proceed to leave,
Little Johnny says, "Hey relax you little whores, it has’nt opened yet!"

Johnny Strikes Again

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating. '

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because Johnny had burned her before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

Wonderful Poem

Wonderful Poem A grade 5 teacher one day asked the children in her class to make rhymes with their names.

First up was Dan. A very adventurous child.My name is Dan,When I grow up to be a man,I want to go to India and Japan,If I can, If I can, If I can."Very good", the teacher said to Dan. She then asked Sally that it was now her turn.

My name is Sally,When I grow up to be a lady,I want to have a baby If I can, if I can, if I can."That is good Sally," the teacher said. "But maybe one day you will change your mind."Next up was Glenn.

He was the naughty one in the class. Here is his rhyme:My name is Glenn,When I grow up to be a man,Never mind India and Japan,I'm gonna help Sally with her plan,I know I can, I can, I can.

Teacher & Student

Teacher : Hame in machron ko paida hone se rokna chahiye.
Student : Wo to ho hi nahin sakta.
Teacher : Kyon?
Student : Kyon ki itna chota condom ban hi nahi sakta.

Where is God?

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

"Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time.

GOD is missing, and they think we did it!

Does Heart Have Legs?

One fine day at school, the teacher was teaching about the heart. After she had finished she said, "If any one has any doubts about what I have taught please ask."

Little Bobby stands up and asks,"Teacher, does the heart have legs?"

She replies, "no it doesn't. What makes you ask such a question?"

He says "Last night when I went into my parents bedroom.

I over heard my dad saying SWEET HEART spread your LEGS"

But I have . . . . . .

Two teenaged brothers were arguing with each other very strongly. The issue was who knows better and more about the sex. The elder brother of seventeen gives a challenge to his fourteen year old younger brother. He says that I will ask you a basic question about sex and if you reply it correctly, then only I will admit that you know better and more about sex than me.

“O.K. Done.” Please ask." said the younger of fourteen.

Elder brother asks his younger brother, “Tell me, how many testicles we have, taken both of us together?”

Younger replies instantly, “It’s so easy, Four”.

The elder one says, “Wrong. I have only one.”

Younger one replies, “But I have three, what about that.”

Who help them.........

A father with his curious son of seven years was walking on a calm road. Boy observed the sex of two dogs which had finally culminated in to locking and dragging them forward.

Boy being curious asks father, “Dad. What both the dogs are doing?

Dad is in trouble. He tells the boy, “My dear son, the dog who is on the top has fractured both his front legs. Hence the dog that is below him is helping him to take him to his home. Come-on do not look at them. Hurry up”

Boy replies, “Dad is it not surprising. That simply means like men, dogs also are ungrateful and fuck to the same, who try to help them out.”

teacher:::-- -- make this sentence in this word '''hand'''
student ::--- my penis in your hand..
teacher ""-- slap him""
student ::-- sorry teacher pen ke bad space dena bhul gaya tha....

Come let us ............

A ten year old girl rushes to her grandmother and asks her, “Can I be pregnant?"

Grandmother, "Are you fooling. You can not be pregnant. Go and play out side."

The girl then goes to grandfather and asks him the same question and the reply also is the same.The girl goes to her father with the same question and gets a slap on her face with a same reply.

Finally she goes to her mother and asks her, “Mama, Can I be pregnant?"Mama shouts at her “You madcap. You fool. You can not. Don't even think like that."

Girl comes out of her building to meet her twelve year old boy-friend and shouts at him, “See every body has confirmed that I can not be pregnant. There is nothing to worry. You always worry unnecessarily. Come let us ......."