A wife asked her husband to describe her.

A wife asked her husband to describe her.
He said, 'You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K'.
She said, 'What does that mean?'
He said Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot'.
She said, 'Oh that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?'

He said-- I'm Just Kidding---!!!

Much harder

An older couple are playing in the annual golf club championship. They 

are playing in a playoff hole and the championship comes down to a 6

inch putt which the wife has to make.

The woman is trembling as she takes her stance. Then, she putts and...

misses. They lose the match.

On the way home in the car, the woman's husband is fuming,

"I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my dick!"

The woman looks over at her husband, smiles and replies,

"Yes dear, but it was much harder!"

husband needs rest and peace

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.

Wife: When must I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you

************ ********* ********* ********* *

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?

It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!

Wife: No darling, it means,

With Idiot For Ever

************ ********* ********* ********* *

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,

So I'd be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,

So I could have a new one everyday.

************ ********* ********* ********* *

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.

Husband: You should have known it the minute

I asked you to marry me.

************ ********* ********* ********* *

Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it.

So I bought 3 movie tickets.

Wife: Why Three?

Husband: For you and your parents

************ ********* ********* *********

Q: What is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?

A: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again

************ ********* ********* *********

Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest?

Husband: A lovely Push...!!!

How the fight starts

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

*********************************************************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive...

So, I took her to a gas station..

And then the fight started...

*************************************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and my wife kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked my wife, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' She sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' I said to my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

*************************************************************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Naaah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

*************************************************************************************
A woman is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started..... .

*************************************************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

*************************************************************************************

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

*************************************************************************************
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first:
the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

And then the fight started...

communicatation

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.

She writes, "Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times."

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn 't want to have sex, pull on his penis
two hundred and fifty times.

wife was cheating

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave
that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out
she was working in a whorehouse.

The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?"

The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".

The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse
and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So
the cabbie goes in.

A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie
is dragging this women out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all
the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl
inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"

The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".

The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".

best women jokes

Police arrestd a drunkard & askd: Where r u goin?

Man: I'm goin 2 listen lecture on ill effcts of drinking.Cop: Who'll lecture at midnite?Man: My wife...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Law Professor: Which is the most important LAW of Finance for Starting a New Business?Student: Father-in-Law!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Man: Is there any way for long life?

Dr: Get married.Man: Will it help?

Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the biggest pressure for Pak captain when Pak needs 1 run to win in 8 over’s, with 5 wickets in hand?Ya Allah! How to speak English in presentation ceremony?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Beggar: Saab 12Rs do na coffee peeni hai.Man: Lekin coffee to 6Rs ki hai?Beggar: Par saab girlfrend bhi to hai.Man: Bhikari hokar bhi GF banali.Beggar: Na saab,GF ne Bhikari bana diya!--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: Why do women live longer than men?

A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!

---------------------------------------

Wats the diff between Complete & Finished?

If you find good wife u r complete otherwise u r finished.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------So many options: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow but sure!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Have u heard about the man who threw his wife into a pond of crocodiles? He's now being harassed by the animal rights for being cruel to the crocodiles.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Two men r talking. 1st: I got married coz I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry & wearing shabby clothes.

2nd: Amazing, I just got divorced for the very same reasons

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Wife: If I dismiss the cook and make the food myself for a month, what will you pay me?Husband: I won't have to pay you, you'll get my entire insurance amount.

Funny quotes about man

Men are like parking spots: The good ones are already taken, and the rest are handicapped.

Men are like plungers: They spend most of their time in the hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

May our children be blessed with rich parents Boys attitude!

A boy wen proposes a girl If she says YES,then
"Pata ni kenia nu haan kiti honi" If she says NO,"then
Bandri apne ap nu Ashwarya Rai samjdi ae...

."To our wives and lovers...may they never meet!
If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry.A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man!

Sweet Jokes

Generation Next Motto: Na hum shaadi karenge, na apne
bachchon ko karne denge.
******

"U love someone
U marry someone else.
The one u marry becomes ur wife or husband.
And the one u loved becomes the password of Ur mail id"
******

There's only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it.
There's only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbour has it.
******

If someone says u r ugly, its ok, if someone says u r stupid, its
ok,
If someone says u r genius slap him as tight as you can n say there
Is a limit of kidding n u r now crossing the limit.
******

Three dreams of a man:
To be as handsome as his mother thinks.
To be as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects...
******

Husband & wife are like liver and kidney. Husband is liver & wife
kidney.
If liver fails, kidney fails. If kidney fails, liver manages with
other kidney.
******

What's the diff between Dava &d Daru?
Dava is like girlfriend, that comes with expiry date and
Daru is like wife, Jitni purani hogi utna sir Chad ke bolegi.
******

Wife ko Begum kyon kehte hain?
Kyonki shaadi ke baad saare gum to husband ke hisse mein aate hain
or
Wife Be-Gum ho jaat hai

A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY

A drunken man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologised and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

affair

The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joy ful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

The 3th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 4th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought. He glanced at the menu and asked,
"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 5th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to," his wife replied. "No,"

he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

Some Women funny facts

They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love;
after marriage it is self-defense

It is difficult to understand GOD.
He makes such beautiful things aswomen..and then he turns them into Wives !!!!

Q: What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
A: Magnets have a positive side!

It's funny when people discuss LOVE MARRIAGE Vs ARRANGED.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered

A person who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
A person who SURRENDERS when not SURE, is WISE..
A person who surrenders even if he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND.!

Men always have better friends....

Men always have better friends....

They will stand by you, no matter what....!!!

Here's an example:-

Friends of Women:

A wife was not at home for a whole night.
So she tells her husband the very next morning,
that she stayed at her (girl) friend's apartment overnight.
So the husband calls 10 of her best (girl) friends and
none of them confirmed that she was with them.

Friends of Men:

A husband was not at home for a whole night.
So he tells his wife the very next morning,
that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night
So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirmed that
he stayed at their apartments that night and
another 5 claimed that he is still with them!!

A Results-Oriented Man

Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe... ""Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset?

I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc. She's awfully cold." "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay." He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee.

Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..." His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as

he replies, "Me too

Backwards Compliment

A wife was getting pretty upset about her husband's lack of attention and decided to come on a little stronger to him. After dinner, she put on her sexy, backless night-gown backwards so her tits were showing and sauntered into the living room.

"Notice anything?" she asked slyly.

"Yes, you've got your night-gown on backwards." her husband answered simply.

"How could you tell?" she cooed. "Because the shit stains are in the front." he said.

No doubt about it!!!

Who enjoys sex more, the man or the woman?
The woman, of course.

Look at it this way.
When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it
and wiggle it around, what feels better -

your finger or your ear?

You can't

Boy is making fun of his girl friend and says to her in a poem, " Six plus three is nine, I can enter in you but you cant enter in mine".

Girl instantly replies, " Five plus four is also nine, I can measure your length but you can't depth of mine"

The Diff

Description of prostitute, wife & girlfriend in mobile language?
First one is prepaid, second is postpaid and the last one is democard.

COMPLETE and FINISHED ?

Q: What is the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED ?
A: When You Marry a right Girl you You are Complete and when you Marry a wrong Girl You are Finished.

Marriage quotes and facts - worth reading

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henry Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran


"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."