Advice Lawyer

Billing A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Lawyer in his limousine car

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also.

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high"

how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal
car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St.
Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder:
Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let
me go find out." and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are
still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to
get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it
doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat
bedraggled.

"Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
'
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't
work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest
up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"

Those Darn Lawyers

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jonoffers Amanpreet a $50 bet. Amanpreet agrees and they're off. They shoot a greatgame. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ballinto the rough on the 9th.
''Help me find my ball. Look over there,'' he says to Jon. After a few minutes,neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreetsecretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ''I've foundmy ball!'' he announces.
''After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Jon says,"you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?''
''What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!''
''And you're a liar, too!'' Jon says. ''I'll have you know I've been STANDING onyour ball for the last five minutes!''

Guess Who?

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding manstanding at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pinkenvelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle andstarts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and askshim what he's doing.
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."

A Rabbi, A Hindu and A Lawyer

A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the countrywhen their car suddenly expired. They set out to find help, and came to afarmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he hadonly two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with theanimals. The three quickly agreed.
The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have thebeds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroomdoor. The Rabbi entered exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is apig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with apig!"
The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problemwith pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through thebedroom door saying, "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the sameroom as a cow! It's against my religion!"The lawyer, anxious to get tosleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals.

In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cowentered...