Go Fuck

A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some
weeping willow trees. 

The man takes out a cigarette and lights it. His grandson says , "Grandpa, Can I try some of your cigarette?" "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he says. "No," says the little boy. "Then you're not big enough." 

A few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer our of his cooler and opens it. The little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have
some of your beer?" "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?", he says. "No," says the little boy. "Then you're not old enough." 

Time passes and they continue to fish. The little boy gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one. The grandfather looks at him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I have one of your cookies?" "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" says the little boy. "I most certainly can!" says the grandfather. "Then go fuck yourself," says the boy, "These are my cookies!"

Smart Ass Jokes 2013

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead..'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. 
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas...'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2013!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

The Triple Filter Test

In ancient Greece, Socrates was a great philosopher and  widely acclaimed for his wisdom. 

One day, a friend ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students called Plato?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me anything,
I' would like you to answer a few test questions.

It's called the Triple Filter Test".

―Triple filter?" asked the friend.

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, I am going to ask you three questions‖
The first Filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure
that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you are not sure if it's true or not.

Now let's try the second filter, the Filter of Goodness.
Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?

"No, on the contrary...‖ said the man.

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass the Triple Filter test though, because there is a third filter - the Filter of usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really...‖

"Well," concluded Socrates,
"if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good, nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed.

Simple Idea

Bill and Sarah were Londoners and were blessed with seven healthy children. After many months of discussion, they finally decided to move to New York. It should have been a simple enough move, but when they arrived, they had great difficulty finding a suitable apartment to live in.

Although many were big enough, the landlords always seemed to object to such a large family living there. If only Bill wasn't so honest about the size of his family!

After several days of unsuccessful searching, Bill had an idea. He told Sarah to take the four younger children to visit the local cemetery while he went with the older three children to find an apartment. After looking for most of the morning, Bill found a place that was ideal.
The landlord asked him, "How many children do you have?"

Bill answered with a deep sigh, "Seven . . . but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."

He got the apartment!

What Woman wants ? fact of the year 2013

Every man believes every woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While a recent sociological study verified this, what men don't realize is that, in women's fantasies, one man cooks while the other cleans!

Funny Matrimonial Ads

These are ads taken from actual matrimonial sites - guys searching for brides. Grammar and spell errors have no place in a profile description as everything is straight from the heart! Disclaimer : I am not responsible if you forget your basic grammar after reading this.....
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hello.... My name Arthi..... I am a good characterized woman. I want to run my life happily. I expect the good minded and clean habits boy to marry me soon.... who may be in the same caste . If anyone want to Marie to me u can visit to my home (Ghar Chale aana........???)
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Hello, To Viewers My Name is Shekhar , I am single i don't have female, I am not a good education but i working all field in Bangalore.. if u like me u welcome to my heart...when ever u want to meet pls visit my resident or send u letter.. Thanks yours Regards Shekhar
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I want very simple girl. from Brahmin educated family from orissa state she is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework (Homework?)
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Wants a woman who knows me better and can adjust with me forever. she may never create any difficulties in my life or her life by which the entire life can run smoothly. thank you (The principle of running life smoothly was never so easy!)
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She should be good looking and should have a service. she Should have one brother and one sister. she should be educated. (ain't it unique !! 1 brother 1 sister criteria !)
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I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I love to make friendship. Because friendship is a first step of love. I am looking for my dream girl who will love me more than i. Because i love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on ........hold my hand forever !!! (The dilwale dulhaniya effect)
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I am simple boy. I have lot of problem in my life because of my luck now i am looking one gal she care me and love me lot lot (I don't know why but this is one of my favorites)
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My wife should be as 'Shivani' as in Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki and as Tanwerr as in KSBKBT...... (Ok I haven't seen these soaps but I am sure he must be demanding too much,ain't he?)
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I want a girl with no drinks if she wants she can wear jeans in house but while stepping out of house she should give respect to our cast (by not wearing her jeans? Wat the hell...)
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HYE I AM A GOOD LOOKING BOY ,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO LAUGH'S BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL MESSENGER OF GOD.
THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A GIRL ,THEY ARE 1.THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFESSION AND THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LAUGH. (all of us are loughing{laughing})
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Whatever she may be but she should feel that she is going to be someone bride and she must think of the future life if she is too like this she would be called the woman of the lamp (I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this boy wants)
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I love my partner i marriage the partner ok i search my partner and i love the partner ok thik hai the partner has a graduate ok (I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is suffering from "Ok-syndrome")
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HI I AM VERY COOL NUATHER OK MY HOBBY IS SEE TV AND NEWS OK I HAVE 1 CAR AND 1 BOWL OK MY MOTHER ALSO GOOD OK MY FARUET WORLD IS OK (the "ok syndrome" again)
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I am pran my family history my two brother two sister and Father&mother sister complity marred (somebody please explain in comments section how to get married 'completely'?)
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I am very simple and honest. i have three sister one brother and parent. iam doing postal service and tailor master my original residence at kalahandi diste naw iam staing at rayagada dist. (actually what is this guy doing? Postal service or tailor.??)
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My name is muhamad and i am unmarried. please you marriage me please please please please please please please (height of desperation! J )
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I want one girl who love me or my mother. she love me heartily or she have frank she's skin color 'normal' not a black or not a whitey. I Think the main think is heart if your heart is beautiful then you are beautiful. but iam not a handsome guy or not a good looking. but my Mom say that Iam a good guy. My father already expired . THE CHOICE IS YOUR. bye bye. (uttama purushan)
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Iam kanan. i do owo businas.one sistar.he was marred. (No comments)
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I AM LITTLE FAIR INDIAN COLOR. I DON'T HAVE ANY HABIT. (maybe the poor guy meant BAD habits)
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My color is black, but my heart is white. I like social service (Zebra..???)
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I'm looking out for who lives in Bombay, girl simple who trust me lot should be roman catholic, LOVE ME ONLY. (Now that criterion is a must, isn't it?)
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To be married on jun-2006. working woman preferable (this guy has fixed the marriage date too! But he is yet to find a bride. I wish him best of luck on behalf of all of us. I am sure he will get one soon.)
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I would like a beautiful girl. and I do not want her any treasure. because girl is the maharani. (Now she is going to be a lucky girl! Any takers?)
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ssc failed three times and worked with private ltd company which not paying salary at present. (Any takers again?)
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Terrrific quotes ( One liner ) of 2013

1. A good discussion is like a miniskirt, Short enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject!
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2. Love is photogenic it needs darkness to develop.
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3.Children in backseats cause accidents, Accidents in backseats cause children!
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4."Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep!
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5.There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning!
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6."ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY", So what? Who's in a hurry?
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7."Hard work never killed anybody", But why take the risk! (I don't want to be an exception!)
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8."Work fascinates me", I can sit and watch it for hours!
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9.God made relatives, Thank God we can choose our friends.
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10.My girlfriend ran away with my best friend and I really am sorry for him!
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11.God is Alive! Speak to Him!, (It's cheaper after 9.30 p.m.!)
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12.When two's company, three's the result!
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13.A designer dress is like a barbed fence, It protects the premises without restricting the view!
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