Missing wife

 

A man went to police station for filing report for his missing wife:


Man:                      I lost my wife (misty)
Inspector:           What is her height
Man:                     I never noticed
Inspector:           Slim or healthy
Man:                     Not slim can be healthy
Inspector:           Colour of eyes
Man:                     Never noticed
Inspector:           Colour of hair
Man:                     Changes according to season
Inspector:           What was she wearing
Man:                     Saree/suit/ I don't remember exactly
Inspector:           Was somebody with her ?????????
Man:                     Yes my Labrador dog, Romeo,  tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together…. And the man started crying…..
Inspector:  Lets search for the dog first !!!!!!!

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . .. .
 Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me ...."

Doctor:"I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just
 gargle and gargle".

2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me.

Doctor:" you see how keeping your mouth shut helps! !!"

The vet test

A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too." The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."

Donn't Copy

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.

Said he: "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!" 

The audience was in silence and shock. 

The speaker added:  "And that woman was my mother!" 

Laughter and applause. 

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink. 

He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!" 

The wife went mad with shock and rage. 

Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was !" 

Moral of the story:  Don't copy if you can't paste.! 

Woman is cleverer to man

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."


Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you...to leave."

Man: "Hey Cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

I know you were not involved

A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job.

He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.

He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing,  
"You are the reason I don't have my wife", second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job".

He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says, 

"Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved".

RED Indian Time device

his cowboy was walking in the woods one day and he comes to a clearing.

There on a blanket was a naked Indian with an erection.
"What are you doing?" the cowboy asks.

The Indian answers, "Me tell time."
The cowboy says, "Ok. If you are so good, what time is it?"

The Indian looks down at his penis and the shadow it made and said, "It 2 o'clock."
The cowboy looks at his watch and says, "By Golly, you are right!"

The cowboy starts walking again and comes upon another naked Indian laying on a blanket.
"Don't tell me..you're telling time also?"

Indian looks up at him and says, "Yes, me telling time."
The cowboy says, "Okay smartass, what time is it?"

The Indian looks up at the sun and down at his penis and says, "It 4 o'clock."
The cowboy is amazed at the Indians, so he keeps walking. A few hours later he comes upon an Indian on a blanket, masturbating.

"Don't tell me you are telling time!!??"
The Indian looks up at him and says, "No, me winding watch!!"