WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next
to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say
Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' Then
returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How
long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does.'
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX
Gentlemen , here is your guide to weightloss
CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX!
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent12 Calories Without her consent2,187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands8 Calories With one hand12 Calories With your teeth485 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection6 Calories Without an erection3,315 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary12 Calories 69 lying down78 Calories 69 standing up812 Calories
Wheelbarrow216 Calories Doggy Style326 Calories Italian chandelier2,912 Calories
ORGASMS:
Real112 Calories Fake1,315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging18 Calories Getting up immediately36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are: 20-29 years36 Calories
30-39 years80 Calories 40-49 years124 Calories 50-59 years1,972 Calories
60-69 years7,916 Calories 70 and overResults are still pending
DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly..32 Calories In a hurry98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door13,521 Calories
Results may vary!
THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD
Right now, as you read this, 69 Million males are having SEX! And you're on the computer!!!
CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX!
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent12 Calories Without her consent2,187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands8 Calories With one hand12 Calories With your teeth485 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection6 Calories Without an erection3,315 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary12 Calories 69 lying down78 Calories 69 standing up812 Calories
Wheelbarrow216 Calories Doggy Style326 Calories Italian chandelier2,912 Calories
ORGASMS:
Real112 Calories Fake1,315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging18 Calories Getting up immediately36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are: 20-29 years36 Calories
30-39 years80 Calories 40-49 years124 Calories 50-59 years1,972 Calories
60-69 years7,916 Calories 70 and overResults are still pending
DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly..32 Calories In a hurry98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door13,521 Calories
Results may vary!
THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD
Right now, as you read this, 69 Million males are having SEX! And you're on the computer!!!
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Faisalabad walay Granting a Wish
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you eac h a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.
I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old. :)
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are female.....
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you eac h a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.
I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old. :)
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are female.....
Death and taxes
Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get
worse every year.
---------------------------------------------
Can you guess which of the following are True or False?
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up
in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every
10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being
indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your
heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every
minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until
they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting
in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time
of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is
to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without
turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer
and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State
anthem.
21. Most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of
white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William never travel on the same
airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a
tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords
cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein
transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were
7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
All of the above are supposedly true.
-----------------------------------------------------
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host,
preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My
Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all
these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet
names."
Morris hung his head and whispered - "To tell the truth, I forgot her name
three years ago!"
---------------------------------------------------------
What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the
moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person
which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote the song "The Hokey Pokey," died
peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the
coffin. They put his left leg in ...
... and then the trouble started.
worse every year.
---------------------------------------------
Can you guess which of the following are True or False?
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up
in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every
10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being
indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your
heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every
minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until
they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting
in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time
of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is
to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without
turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer
and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State
anthem.
21. Most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of
white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William never travel on the same
airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a
tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords
cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein
transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were
7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
All of the above are supposedly true.
-----------------------------------------------------
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host,
preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My
Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all
these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet
names."
Morris hung his head and whispered - "To tell the truth, I forgot her name
three years ago!"
---------------------------------------------------------
What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the
moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person
which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote the song "The Hokey Pokey," died
peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the
coffin. They put his left leg in ...
... and then the trouble started.
Indain Way
Indian Way
The Indians and Pakistanis at the height of the arms race realized
that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up
the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole
dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the
best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be
entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down
its arms.
The Pakistanis found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches
in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.
They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter,
removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. They used steroids
and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog
the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five
inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Indians showed up with a
strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry
for the Indians because they knew there was no way that this dog
could possibly last ten seconds with the Pakistani dog. When the cages
were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled
over towards the Pakistani dog. The Pakistani dog snarled and leaped out
of it's cage and charged the Indian dachshund. But, when it got
close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's
mouth and consumed the Pakistani dog in one bite. There was nothing left
at all of the Pakistani dog.
The Pakistanis came up to the Indians shaking their heads in
disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had
our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and
Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian
wolves."
"That's nothing", an Indian replied. "We had our best plastic
surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund."
Monday, November 10, 2008
20 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
Top Ten School Excuses
These are the top ten funniest excuse notes from parents collected by schools from all over this country.
1. Please excuse Lola for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
2. Jimmy has been absent yesterday because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
3. My daughter is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute her.
4. Please excuse Jenny. She has been sick and under the doctor.
5. Sandra won't be in school a week from today. We have to attend her funeral.
1. Please excuse Lola for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
2. Jimmy has been absent yesterday because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
3. My daughter is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute her.
4. Please excuse Jenny. She has been sick and under the doctor.
5. Sandra won't be in school a week from today. We have to attend her funeral.
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