Singh is King joke of 2013

 

Each Friday night after work, Santa Singh would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs. But, all of his neighbours were strict Catholics ... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest. The Priest came to visit Santa, and suggested that he become a Catholic. 

After several classes and much study, Santa attended Mass ... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Sikh, and raised a Sikh, but now, you are a Catholic."

Santa's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived. The wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighbourhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Santa's backyard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Santa, holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted: "Oye, you waz born a chicken, and you waz born a lamb, you waz raised a chicken, and you waz raised a lamb but now yara(dear), you are a potato and tomato"!

-- Singh is King...

The FBI assassin

 
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

Two men and a woman..

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of The men to a large metal door and handed Him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting In a chair . . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could Never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man For this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was Quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one After another. They heard screaming, crashing, Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to Beat him to death with the chair.'

Does Management know their Staff ?

 
Does Management know their Staff?



On walking into the factory, the Managing Director of the company
noticed a young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing.


He approached the young man and calmly said to him,
"How much do you earn?"


The young man was quite amazed
that he was asked such a personal question,
he replied, none the less, "I earn $ 2000.00 a month,
Sir. Why?"


Without answering, the MD took out his wallet
and removed $6000.00 cash and gave it to the young man and said,
"Around here I pay people for working,
not for standing around looking pretty!


Here is your 3 months salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".

The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.



Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner,
"And that applies to everybody in this company".



He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man
I just fired?"


To which an amazing reply came - "He was the pizza delivery guy , Sir!"

How to Catch A Lion old one but good one

 

Newton 's Method:

Let, the lion catch you.

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Implies you caught lion.

********************

Einstein Method:

Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.

Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon.

Now you can trap it easily.

********************

Software Engineer Method:

Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion.

If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.

********************

Indian Police Method:

Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion .

********************

Rajnikanth Method :

Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime.

The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.

********************

Jayalalitha Method:

Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping !

********************

Manirathnam Method (director):

Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark room with a single candle lighted.

Keep murmuring something in its ears.

The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

********************

Karan Johar Method (director):

Send a lioness into the forest.

Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other.

Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion.

First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness.

But 2nd lioness loves both lions.

Now send another lioness (third) into the forest.

You don't understand right... Ok....read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont!

********************

Yash Chopra method (director):

Take the lion to Australia or US.. And kill it in a good scenic location.

********************

Govinda method:

Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days. The Lion will drop dead just watching!

********************

Menaka Gandhi method:

Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.

********************

George bush method:

Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him!!!

********************

Ravi Shastri method:

Ask the lion to bowl at u.

U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run

Lion tired and surrenders

Banta jokes for year 2013

 
Banta to Doctor : Doctor Sahab! Mein apna dimag daan karna chahta hu.
Doctor : Hoga to hum le lenge .

Son to Dad : Papa, Mein itna bada kab hounga ki mein mummy se bina puche bahar ja saku?
Papa : Beta abhi itna bada to mein bhi nahi hua!!!

Autowala to Santa : Sahab, 100 rupaye ho gaye.
Santa ne 50 rupaye autowale ko de diye.
Autowala : Sahab ye to gundagardi hai, meter ki hisab se 100 rupaye hue hai.
Santa : Tu bhi to baithkar aaya hai, tera kiraya bhi kya mujhe dena parega!!!

Ek din Santa ne apni premika ko himmat jutakar keh dala - I love you.
Premika(Gusse se) : Jara pyar se nahi keh sakte?
Santa : I love you Didi!!!!

Girl : Tum ladke kisi bhi ladki me sabse pehle kya dekhte ho?
Boy : Ye to depend karta hai ki ladki aa rahi hai ya ja rahi hai!!


Dur gaon me jab maa baap sote nahi the,
to bacha kehta hai, so ja bapu,
so ja, warna ek aur ho jayega!!!

Girl-to-Boy - Aaye bewafe tune sab kuch saaf kar diya,
mera dil jala kar rakh kar diya
Boy-to-Girl - Aye ladki, teri kurbani bekar nahi jayegi,
bhej de rakh mujhe, bartan manjne ke kaam aayegi.


Pati aur patni ghumne gaye. Raaste me ek gadhe ko ghaas kata
dekh patni ne pati se kaha - Oo G tumhara rishtedaar ghaas
kha raha hai, namaste karo.
Pati - Namaste Sasur Ji

Santa ne Banta se kaha,"Sabse bada challenge kya hai?"
Banta replied - Answer sheet ko khaali chod do aur last me likh dena,
paas karke dikha.

Frog: Tumhare paas dimaag nahin hai.
Bhola: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai.
Bhola: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai and jumps into the well.
Bhola: Isme suicide karne waali kya baat thi.?


Teacher : Santa batao `M' for kya hota hai?
Santa : Sir, Mother!
Teacher : Right! Aab batao W for kya hota hai?
Santa kuch sochne lagta hai
Teacher : Santa kya soch rahe ho?
Santa : Sir, mein yeh soch raha tha ki Maa ulti kaise ho gayi?


Teacher : Santa ye batao tense kitne tarah ke hote hai?
Santa : Teen maidam.
Teacher : Teeno ke ek-ek example batao.
Santa : Madam, meine kal aapki beti ko dekha tha. Aaj mein ussey pyar karta hu aur kal mein ussey bhaga kar le jaunga.

If a STUDENT makes a mistake ?

 

If a BARBER makes a mistake, it's a new style.....................



If a DRIVER makes a mistake, it's an accident.....................



If a DOCTOR makes a mistake, it's an operation....................



If an ENGINEER makes a mistake, it is a new venture...............



If a POLITICIAN makes a mistake, it is a new law..................



If a SCIENTIST makes a mistake, it is a new invention.............



If a TAILOR makes a mistake, it is a new fashion..................



If a TEACHER makes a mistake, it is a new theory..................



If a STUDENT makes a mistake, it is a "MISTAKE" !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ohh The Chinese Names !!!

 
Ohhhhhh, The Chinese Names


Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sum Wan ..And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious, but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Lee.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!