A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions.' He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. And then asks, 'What is your occupation?' The woman replies, 'I'm a wh0re.
'The accountant balks and says, 'No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that.' The woman, 'OK, I'm a prostitute.''No, that is still too crude. Try again.' They both think for a minute, then the woman states, 'I'm a chicken farmer.' The accountant asks, 'What does chicken farming have to do with being a wh0re or a prostitute?'
'Well, I raised over 5,000 c0cks last year.'
Sunday, October 3, 2010
A Friend Is Like...
A Friend Is Like A Panty - Always Comfortable
A Good Friend Is Like A Bra - Always Supportive
Best Friend Is Like A Condom - Always Protective
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Pakistani adult jokes
Theater Mein Naari Pradhan Film Chal Rahi Thhi
Ek Ladki Josh Mein Khadi Ho Kar Boli
“Aaj Naari Khadi Ho Jaaye To Kya Nahi Kar Sakti?”
Piche Se Awaj Aayi: “Susu“
********************************************
Pakistan Mein Ek Maa Apne Bache Ko Le Kar Doctor Ke Pass Jaati Hai
Maa: “Dr. Saab Iska Khatna (Circumcision) Kar Do”
Dr: “200, Rs Lagenge”
Maa: “Itne Se Kaam Ki Itni Jyada Fees”
Dr: “Ye 500 Rs Lo Aur Mera Sirf Haath Mein Hi Pakad Lo”
************************************************
Shahzada Saleem: “Humare Ammi Or Abba Huzoor Hume Se Itni Mohabbat Karte Thhe Ki Saari Saari Raat Wo Dono Hume Sulane Ke Liye Khud Jaaga Karte Thhe”
Vazeer: “Janab, Aapki Isi Kameenepan Ki Vajah Se Aap Iklotey Rah Gaye“
********************************************************
Ek Accedient Mein Santa Ki ***** Fatt Jaati Hai
Wo Hospital Tanke Lagvane Jata Hai
Nurse Ne Us Se Pucha: “Kitni Khulli Rakhni Hai?”
Santa: “Jitni Aapki Hai”
Nurse: “Fir To Aur Fadni Padegi”
*******************************************
Salery Ladki Ke Periods Ki Tarha Hoti Hai
Month Mein Ek Baar Aati Hai
Sirf 4-5 Din Ke Liye Hi Rukti Hai
Or Agar Kisi Month Nahi Aayi To Samjho
Chud Gayi
*******************************************
Ek Insaan Ka Bura Din
Darwaza Khola To Kundi Hath Mein Aa Gayi
Suitcase Uthane Laga To Handle Haath Mein Aa Gaya
Nal (Tap) Khola To Toonti Hath Mein Aa Gayi
Ab Bechara Vo Peshab Karne Se Bhi Dar Raha Hai
************************************************
12th Ki Ladki Apni Aunti Se Puchhti Hai: “Aunty, Aapke Time Mein 10-10 Bachhe Kyu Paida Hote Thhe?”
Aunty: “Beti Hamare Zamane Mein Moonh (Mouth) Mein Lene Ka Riwaz (Tradition) Nahi Thha“
**********************************************
Ladki Apni Maa Se: “Maa , Saath Wale Sharma Ji Ke Ladke Ko Dekh Kar Meri Bra Tight Ho Jaati Hai”
Maa: “Beti Ek Bar Bina Bra Ke Kameez Pehan Ke Dekh, Uski Pant Tight Ho Jayegi“
*****************************************************
Pati Office Jate Hue Patni Se Bola
“Aaj Pappu Ko Jaldi Sula Dena, Raat Ko Khoob Daba Ke *** Karenge”
Office Se Aane Ke Baad Baap Pappu Ke Kamre Mein Gaya Aur Pucha
“Pappu So Gaye Kya”
Pappu: “Daddy Kesi Baat Karte Ho, Mujhe Kaisi Neend Aayegi”
Daddy Hairani Se: “Kyun? Kya Hua”
Pappu: “Jise Pata Ho Uski Maa Chudne Wali Hai, Vo Kese So Sakta Hai“
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Friend Says: “Yaar Please Drive Safely & Slowly, Mujhe Darr Lag Raha Hai.”
Best Friend Says: “Tez Chala Bhonsdi Ke Sale, Aage Swift Car Mein Mast Maal Ja Raha Hai.“
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*** Peroid Mein Teacher Ne Bacho Se Pucha
“Tum Us Aadmi Ko Kya Kahoge Jo Condom Use Nahi Karta”
Classroom Ke Sare Students Zor Se Bole: “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy“
********************************************************************
Ek Ladki Josh Mein Khadi Ho Kar Boli
“Aaj Naari Khadi Ho Jaaye To Kya Nahi Kar Sakti?”
Piche Se Awaj Aayi: “Susu“
********************************************
Pakistan Mein Ek Maa Apne Bache Ko Le Kar Doctor Ke Pass Jaati Hai
Maa: “Dr. Saab Iska Khatna (Circumcision) Kar Do”
Dr: “200, Rs Lagenge”
Maa: “Itne Se Kaam Ki Itni Jyada Fees”
Dr: “Ye 500 Rs Lo Aur Mera Sirf Haath Mein Hi Pakad Lo”
************************************************
Shahzada Saleem: “Humare Ammi Or Abba Huzoor Hume Se Itni Mohabbat Karte Thhe Ki Saari Saari Raat Wo Dono Hume Sulane Ke Liye Khud Jaaga Karte Thhe”
Vazeer: “Janab, Aapki Isi Kameenepan Ki Vajah Se Aap Iklotey Rah Gaye“
********************************************************
Ek Accedient Mein Santa Ki ***** Fatt Jaati Hai
Wo Hospital Tanke Lagvane Jata Hai
Nurse Ne Us Se Pucha: “Kitni Khulli Rakhni Hai?”
Santa: “Jitni Aapki Hai”
Nurse: “Fir To Aur Fadni Padegi”
*******************************************
Salery Ladki Ke Periods Ki Tarha Hoti Hai
Month Mein Ek Baar Aati Hai
Sirf 4-5 Din Ke Liye Hi Rukti Hai
Or Agar Kisi Month Nahi Aayi To Samjho
Chud Gayi
*******************************************
Ek Insaan Ka Bura Din
Darwaza Khola To Kundi Hath Mein Aa Gayi
Suitcase Uthane Laga To Handle Haath Mein Aa Gaya
Nal (Tap) Khola To Toonti Hath Mein Aa Gayi
Ab Bechara Vo Peshab Karne Se Bhi Dar Raha Hai
************************************************
12th Ki Ladki Apni Aunti Se Puchhti Hai: “Aunty, Aapke Time Mein 10-10 Bachhe Kyu Paida Hote Thhe?”
Aunty: “Beti Hamare Zamane Mein Moonh (Mouth) Mein Lene Ka Riwaz (Tradition) Nahi Thha“
**********************************************
Ladki Apni Maa Se: “Maa , Saath Wale Sharma Ji Ke Ladke Ko Dekh Kar Meri Bra Tight Ho Jaati Hai”
Maa: “Beti Ek Bar Bina Bra Ke Kameez Pehan Ke Dekh, Uski Pant Tight Ho Jayegi“
*****************************************************
Pati Office Jate Hue Patni Se Bola
“Aaj Pappu Ko Jaldi Sula Dena, Raat Ko Khoob Daba Ke *** Karenge”
Office Se Aane Ke Baad Baap Pappu Ke Kamre Mein Gaya Aur Pucha
“Pappu So Gaye Kya”
Pappu: “Daddy Kesi Baat Karte Ho, Mujhe Kaisi Neend Aayegi”
Daddy Hairani Se: “Kyun? Kya Hua”
Pappu: “Jise Pata Ho Uski Maa Chudne Wali Hai, Vo Kese So Sakta Hai“
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Friend Says: “Yaar Please Drive Safely & Slowly, Mujhe Darr Lag Raha Hai.”
Best Friend Says: “Tez Chala Bhonsdi Ke Sale, Aage Swift Car Mein Mast Maal Ja Raha Hai.“
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*** Peroid Mein Teacher Ne Bacho Se Pucha
“Tum Us Aadmi Ko Kya Kahoge Jo Condom Use Nahi Karta”
Classroom Ke Sare Students Zor Se Bole: “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy“
********************************************************************
Monday, August 9, 2010
wife may
An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots the guy without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
"Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber.
There are a few moments of silence...then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says: 'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse ....'
On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots the guy without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
"Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber.
There are a few moments of silence...then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says: 'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse ....'
Cannibal Restaurant
Cannibal Restaurant...
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant
operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling
somewhat hungry, he walked in, sat down and looked over the menu...
Raw Tourist: $5
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The guy called his Friend over and asked, 'Why such a huge price
difference for the politicians?'
The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full
of crap, it takes all morning'.
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant
operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling
somewhat hungry, he walked in, sat down and looked over the menu...
Raw Tourist: $5
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The guy called his Friend over and asked, 'Why such a huge price
difference for the politicians?'
The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full
of crap, it takes all morning'.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Much harder
An older couple are playing in the annual golf club championship. They
are playing in a playoff hole and the championship comes down to a 6
inch putt which the wife has to make.
The woman is trembling as she takes her stance. Then, she putts and...
misses. They lose the match.
On the way home in the car, the woman's husband is fuming,
"I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my dick!"
The woman looks over at her husband, smiles and replies,
"Yes dear, but it was much harder!"
Women are extremely determined
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will
find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said,
"You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun was loaded with false bullets" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair!!"
MORAL: Women are extremely determined.. Don't mess with them?
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will
find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said,
"You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun was loaded with false bullets" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair!!"
MORAL: Women are extremely determined.. Don't mess with them?
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